Keeping the Faith

When people ask me how I am doing I usually respond with "ok".  Now don't get me wrong, I am not one of those people who thinks that when someone asks this question that they are not expecting a genuine response.  At least for me, when I ask someone else how is it going or how are you, I mean it.  So as a courtesy I give a real answer.  However, lately "ok" has been my response of choice.  Why?

Well I use "ok" because it is an easy and semi-truthful response.  Yes I am ok, I have food to eat, a roof over my head, clothes to wear and I am maintaining all my bills (just barely).  I am relatively in good health.  I am not being persecuted for my beliefs.  So yes I am ok.  I mean do I have the right to complain?

But in the back of my head I am never really just "ok".  Back there is a lonely and dark place.  It is filled with all of my constant worries and fears.  What many people may not realize about me that despite my usually cheery disposition I am a ball of pessimism which I usual describe as realism.  I am a worst case scenario type of girl topped with a touch of hypochondria.  

The truth is with all this going on in my head it is hard to stay faithful.  After looking for a permanent job for YEARS, I haven't given up, but I am definitely deflated.  Thoughts of doubt in my abilities tend to make me almost stray from my path.  What you don't realize is that when you lose a job and have trouble finding a new one, it feels so personal, as if there is something wrong with me and that's why I am facing these issues.  Same goes with the search for a companion.  I know I am not alone in comparing myself to others.  But I am left sitting here with thoughts of why not me?

But in the end yes, some thoughts not of God cross my head, but I have learned to push them out.  You see I always am able to maintain my faith because so far God has always been by my side.  Even when circumstances seem so bleak and there is no answer I am always provided with a solution.  I have learned a lot in these past few years on my journey, for that I am thankful, but I know I have a long path ahead of me.  Yesterday, I told one of my friends that I am going to have an awesome testimony soon.  I just wish soon was like tomorrow and not later?  But that is out of my control.  Until then, I have to keep my faith.  Because if I don't believe in it myself, how can I in good conscience tell others to keep theirs?

Dear Congress

Dear Congress:

I meant to write this letter to you 14 days ago, but I decided to furlough the letter until now.  Congress, let me tell you, you are not doing a good job.  The government shutdown was a terrible idea.  You have directly put the lives of hundreds of thousands of people's lives in jeopardy.  These are hard working people who depend on their bi-weekly checks to feed themselves and their families.  Not to mention the indirect results of the shutdown.  People cannot go to national parks around the country which in turn hurts the economy when we are already in a precarious situation.  The longer this goes on programs aimed at helping women and children will have to shutdown because of lack of funds.  Businesses are hindered because they cannot call the government to do even routine aspects of their jobs.  I am scared to eat foreign seafood because it is not being regulated.  Not to mention the DC government is about to shutdown itself, which really sucks for them because they don't even have the power to vote you out of office!

So I ask you Congress what is the purpose of the shutdown?  You are opposing the implementation of a legislation that was already passed and vetted by the Supreme Court?  In fact, not only are you in opposition to legislation, but legislation that has already become a law!  Some of you may want to watch "The School House Rocks" Episode of How a Bill becomes a law (I have hyperlinked it for you just in case you don't know how to use YouTube).  And honestly Congressmen you do know that when you are win an election there will be another one later?  Did you think that costing the country millions of dollars is the key to winning your seat for another term?  Which one of these questions is the most accurate:  Do you hate seeing people taking care of their health?  Do you hate the Affordable Care Act because you didn't think of it?  Or do you just hate President Obama so much that you would ruin the whole country as a result?  If you answered yes to any of these the country headed for a much deeper whole than we can imagine.

To me and many other people in this country you seem to appear very nonchalant about this whole situation.  Perhaps it is because you don't live check to check like the 99% of us do?  I bet none of you will have to pick up a part time retail job to cover the bills, right?  I hope that when the shutdown ceases you donate your own two weeks of salary as a penance for your misdeeds.  I am sure you will not  however, because your behavior has shown that you clearly care about no one but yourself.

In closing, Congress, I ask that you settle this shutdown and also the debt ceiling because I am not sure if I can stomach the thought of doing this again every few weeks.  One of my Facebook friends so astutely pointed out a few weeks ago that if the Government were a business the boss would clean house.  And when it happens, don't say that I didn't warn you.

With Much Frustration,

Di Mo

The Death of Rom Coms

Over the weekend I took my mother to see the movie Baggage Claim.  Baggage Claim is a romantic comedy (rom com) which just happens to feature and almost all black cast.  In this movie, the protagonist was a 30 something year woman who was tired of being a bridesmaid and was determined to bring her potential soul-mate to her little sister's upcoming nuptials.  The movie was pretty predictable and followed that usual rom com formula (don't worry no spoilers here).  But at the end I ended up wish rom coms would be dead just like the N word, auto tune, and twerking.

I sat in that theater not happy but annoyed.  I am all for feel good stories, but rom coms I think I am done with them.  I am tired of seeing these hopelessly romantic women look for Mr. Right, have some type of low point, followed by a fairy tail ending.  I guess the problem is not the movie itself, but the unrealistic expectations that women have as a result of these movies.  

I am not saying that I am immune.  I want a husband, I don't necessarily want 2.5 kids and a dog, but I am looking for a companion.  In my head I still feel like there is someone out there for everyone who wants someone. But as I get older I realize I might not have that great story to tell people about how I met my husband.  In fact, I might not even have a husband.  And if I do finally have one, I don't think he is going to be the guy "right under my nose".

And then there is a little bit of irony about the whole rom com generation we have become.  We want some guy to sweep us off our feet, to take us on a carriage ride through the city, and to open all of our doors.  The reality is that much of us settle for much less.  Maybe sometimes we are so happy to have company that we don't even realize that the person who we spend our time with us not even a real companion.  We theoretically set our aspirations high planning our weddings and our children and future, yet we let men treat us any which way in the present.  How does this fit in with a fairy tale ending?

So until further notice I am calling a boycott of rom coms.  Death to the rom com, at least until The Best Man Holiday comes out. lol

The Lonely Way Out

Last night was scary.  One of my friends from high school posted on Facebook about committing suicide.  This girl, who I remember always laughing and sharing jokes with while in school was contemplating her own death.  It felt like I was watching someone die right in front of my face and there was nothing that I could do about it.  Fortunately, her sisters sent police to look for her.  There was an outpouring of love and support from her friends and family.  Today, my friend responded to her post saying that she was ok.  Apparently her struggle has been going on for awhile but she is motivated to heal and to love herself.

Seeing her post, made me think that more than we would like to admit many of us have shared a variation of her thoughts.  Thinking about suicide is lonely.  It is like being in an isolated prison cell.  You keep thoughts thoughts so tight inside because you feel like you are going through things by yourself.  Suicide is the lonely way out.  It's sad, dark, uncomfortable and twisted.  My friend thought that her own suicide would be a "painless" option.  The truth is that suicide is not a painless.  Suicide leaves everyone around you in pain.

There are times when I have had my own dark thoughts.  I haven't necessarily thought about suicide but I have thought that maybe if I wasn't around that everyone might benefit.  In the end though, I never gave up and I never give up.  Mainly because I know I have a responsibility to my mom and I have a responsibility to God to continue to serve him until my purpose is complete.  God never gives us more than we can handle.  At times I thought that my situation is bleak, but I am always humbled by the instances when people have much less than I and who are still smiling.

Suicidal thoughts should be taken seriously.  If someone tells you that they are thinking about committing suicide they need help, professional help.  It is not a time for public shaming and judgment.  It is a time for love and support.  If you see someone struggling don't turn a blind eye.