Well I use "ok" because it is an easy and semi-truthful response. Yes I am ok, I have food to eat, a roof over my head, clothes to wear and I am maintaining all my bills (just barely). I am relatively in good health. I am not being persecuted for my beliefs. So yes I am ok. I mean do I have the right to complain?
But in the back of my head I am never really just "ok". Back there is a lonely and dark place. It is filled with all of my constant worries and fears. What many people may not realize about me that despite my usually cheery disposition I am a ball of pessimism which I usual describe as realism. I am a worst case scenario type of girl topped with a touch of hypochondria.
The truth is with all this going on in my head it is hard to stay faithful. After looking for a permanent job for YEARS, I haven't given up, but I am definitely deflated. Thoughts of doubt in my abilities tend to make me almost stray from my path. What you don't realize is that when you lose a job and have trouble finding a new one, it feels so personal, as if there is something wrong with me and that's why I am facing these issues. Same goes with the search for a companion. I know I am not alone in comparing myself to others. But I am left sitting here with thoughts of why not me?
But in the end yes, some thoughts not of God cross my head, but I have learned to push them out. You see I always am able to maintain my faith because so far God has always been by my side. Even when circumstances seem so bleak and there is no answer I am always provided with a solution. I have learned a lot in these past few years on my journey, for that I am thankful, but I know I have a long path ahead of me. Yesterday, I told one of my friends that I am going to have an awesome testimony soon. I just wish soon was like tomorrow and not later? But that is out of my control. Until then, I have to keep my faith. Because if I don't believe in it myself, how can I in good conscience tell others to keep theirs?