Ex-Factor

I started this post a few days ago but when I came back to it just now, I decided to change it.  This is based off of a very touching conversation that I had with one of my friends.  This is a friend who I consider part of my God circle, if that makes sense.  It is a type of friendship that is on a whole different plane because we are connecting on a spiritual level, it's deep stuff man.

My friend asked me how to deal with a break up and moving on.  You see, it was interesting because of the nature of our friendship we often shared our war stories about the guys we are dating without judging the other person and with giving blunt, yet caring advice.  This friend was always the person that I admired for her self-love and unwillingness to put up with anything less than the best.  However, she also has a big heart which made her vulnerable to heartbreak.  So when she came to me to say that I was dealing with moving on well I was floored.

You see, it was not until a few months ago where I actually felt like I had really moved on from my ex.  Most people could not even understand why I was talking to him, why I felt bad for him, why I wanted to try to be friends with him.  But she listened to me and let me vent.  It was a pact that we with each other to get us through.  A little over a month ago I stopped communicating with my ex.  It was for a relatively small reason, but I had just had enough.  I know longer wanted to try to be friends with him.  I was tired of trying to figure out ways to not hurt his feelings and to be the good guy.  I realized that I didn't want to walk on eggshells for someone who never really cared about my feelings and my sacrifices.  So I did something I never did before.  I stopped returning his text messages and emails.  I was just done with him.

But I wouldn't be transparent unless I told you that I still think about him.  I wouldn't be totally honest unless I tell you that part of me wishes that he would really try to get me back and really try to act differently.  I have fleeting moments happy memories that quickly become replaced by my unresolved issues of anger, hurt, and regret toward him.  He was right when he said over a year ago that things would never be the same, at the time I just didn't want to believe it, or maybe I was just not ready to accept it.

My advice to this friend was simple and it is what she already knew.  There is no pill you can take or formula that you can follow.  It takes time.  For me, I have been trying to change my thoughts and prayers to be more God-focused. Meaning, that I am more concerned with how I can fulfill God's purpose for my life.  I think about this rather than asking God for what I want in my life.  I have shifted my energy to focusing on God and helping others instead of being sad and angry and through pity parties for one.  God has said that we will supply all of our needs.  My faith allows me to stand on this principle.  It might be hard to follow but I  let go do the work in my life.

Since I have started putting this plan into action I feel like doors having been opening for me.  I feel like my relationship with God is growing and I have a great hunger to become more advanced in my spiritual growth.  In turn my life is being enriched in other ways as well.  I figure that God took my ex and the other knuckleheads out of my life for a reason and I will just accept that for what it is.

As I was writing this post I started pondering the origin of the word ex.  I was going to end with something cute saying that we call him an ex as an EXample of what not to do again.  But my sister in writing helped me Google the answer, Ex" is a prefix originating from Latin words for "out of, from," "upward," "to remove from, deprive of," "without," etc" Perhaps the true origin is more fitting. Exes are people that we move upward from and we go on without. As hard as it is, we have to make sure that once we are really ready that our ex is not a factor in the new chapters of our lives that are yet to be written.


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Changes are on the Horizon

One of my readers, who shall remain nameless, wanted to know what is making me smile.  To be honest, it is the power of God.

For the past few weeks/months I have felt a stirring in my spirit.  Throughout this ongoing 2+ year storm I have remained faithful and believed that God will supply all of my needs.  At times I have been down but my hope has not wavered and I certainly have never given up.

The past few weeks have felt like puzzle pieces.  It as if God has given me a puzzle piece along the way.  By itself one puzzle piece doesn't make sense, but now I am starting to put those pieces together.  I don't have it all figured it out yet but I am getting there.

I know this all seems very vague, which I understand.  It is a kind of feeling that is hard to describe.  But there have been some tangible changes that maybe will help in my explanation.  As I have been going through this transformation of sorts, I attended my friend's church's women's conference called Beautiful You.  It was a two day conference where women from around the DC area unite in their love of God.  There were various workshops and activities throughout those two days.  It warmed my heart to see so many women together of different generations and ethnicities together in an auditorium sharing the word of God.  It was so refreshing for me to cry and praise and do all those things that are in my heart among my fellow women.  I was so touched to be with my friends and their family.  But what really made this experience great was having my mom with me.

If you know anything through this blog it is that I love my mom, but sometimes she drives me nuts! I had debated for the past few months whether I was going to go and whether I was going to take my mom.  I wanted her to come, I just didn't know if it would be too much for her to handle.  So the week before I decided that I was going to go and take my mom.  My mom had such a great time!  She thanked me repeatedly that day for bringing her and said how much she enjoyed herself.  She decided that she wanted to come next year and she was thinking of other people who we could bring.  My mom may not be the woman she used to be, but seeing her excited to go to church or church activities makes me happy.

Anyway, from this conference I realized that it was time for me to really put some things into action.  I realized that there was a reason why I went to this conference at this time in my life.  It was time to come into my purpose and carry out God's commands.  I realized that both personally, professionally,  and spiritually I need to work on self improvement. I feel that I have had a lot of thoughts and a kind of half plan but I have not totally follow through with it.  Now is the time to step my game up!

So all of this goes to say that I am smiling because changes are on the horizon. I am starting to get interviews again after long lull.  I feel like God is taking some people out of my life who needed to be removed in order for me to focus more on God and my purpose.  But overall, I am smiling because I feel better than I have in awhile.  I might not be where I want to be but I am better off than where I was.  I am smiling because I feel that God is using me for greatness.  I am smiling because I can be a light for others because I am on the cusp of a breakthrough.  I am smiling because very soon I am going to have the most awesome testimony to share.  And I can't wait to share it with everyone.

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Smile

Hello devoted readers!  I am sorry for my absence but it has been a busy April indeed.  I would also like to give a shout out to all my readers not from the U.S.  I don't know how you found my little site but please get comfy and stay for awhile...and tell your friends :)

Over the past few weeks I have found myself smiling more than ever.  And I am not talking about a half  smile, you know the obligatory smile instead of saying hello.  No, I mean a huge smile with teeth, almost as if I am laughing while I am smiling.  I am not sure why.  I guess I have just been happy.  There have been a lot of positive things happening for me recently and I guess my face just shows it.

The funny thing I have learned about smiling is conversely how many people don't smile. Even funnier is how many people feel awkward when you are smiling at first.  Yes may look at you like you are crazy or just an idiot, but in my experience most people eventually warm up and smile back. I think smiles are contagious.  Honestly, how can you not smile back at someone?  That's just plain rude!  Perhaps someone was having a terrible day and with my warm smile for maybe just a second they felt a little bit better.  How much of a better place would we have if we gave out smiles freely instead of drugs and guns?

So I suggest you try out my social experiment today.  Smile and see what happens.  You might just make someone else's day :)

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Shred Update #6

So I finished the Shred Diet last week.  I gained a little bit in week 6 but I think I lost about 12 lbs total!  I was trying to do another cycle of it this week, but I failed miserable.  I am getting back on track on Monday.  I have learned that it is extremely hard to work and do this diet, especially if you are sitting at a desk.  I felt like I was starving all day!  I also didn't do as well with my exercise this week, it was a very busy week.  But next week I should be back on track.

I am going to try to alter my diet plan for next week and try to do more calorie counting on the Myfitness pal app.  It has worked in the past so I am going to try to keep it up.  Now I just need to make sure I head to the gym and avoid happy hours :)

Let's see how next week is :)

Shred Update #5

Wow I only have one week to go before I have gotten through the Shred diet!  Week 5 has been completed and I am excited!  It feels like it has been a long journey is some regards and short in others.  I am happy to report that this week I lost 3.3 lbs!  This means that in five weeks I have lost a grand total of 12.6 pounds.

I am very excited about losing weight.  I feel great.  I am not busting out of the seams of my clothes anymore.  And even when I might stray a little off of the shred diet I still make very smart and healthy decisions.  Not to mention I am in beast mode at the gym.  The gym has really been incorporated into my schedule.  I have definitely been utilizing it as a source to relieve stress and clear my mind.

Until next week :)

Is Your Breakdown Really Your Breakthrough?

This wasn't exactly the sermon from church today, but it was a message that really resonated with me the most.  You see, I have been having an exceptionally good week.  Yes, I might have few of my dating prospects this week.  However, as far as my financials and finding a job I think that I am having a breakthrough.  And this is exceptional because for awhile it felt as if I was having one long breakdown.

I cried a lot in church today.  I mean I usually cry in church every week.  I haven't quite figured out why, but I think it has to do with that is when I feel the most humbled by the work that God has done in my life. But today my tears weren't for me, they were for others that are in the storm.  I am not sure that I have ever felt so closely connected to people that I don't know than I did in church this morning.  I felt their pain because their pain is real, just like my own pain.

I have written about it a few times before, but I have teetered on the edge of giving up more than I would like to admit.  There have definitely been moments in my life, as I am sure there have been in yours, where you are having a breakdown.  Where you feel like you might not have to the strength to take on one more thing.  But today in the pastor said that there is a nexus between a breakthrough and a breakdown.  That when you are descending into your breakdown it is really leading you closer to your breakthrough.  And to this I cannot agree more.

I know a lot of my friends and family are struggling out there.  If you think about it really everyone has their own burdens and worries.  You might become frustrated because change is not happening quick enough or not at all, but it is a process and we need to remember to have patience, even if it is with ourselves.  But I think that we, myself included, need to remember when we are shaky ground that is when we need to lean into God more.  Are faith has to grow when we are in our darkest hour.  So I guess my point of writing this is to say don't give up.  To quote the movie the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel," Everything will be fine in the end....  if it's not alright then it's not yet the end."

Shred Update #4

Wow I have been doing the Shred Diet for four weeks!  I only have two weeks to go, at least for this round :)  I hate to disappoint.  I didn't lose this week, I actually gained .2 (I know it is like nothing).  But do no fret I am not upset.  I often go up and down and .2 is really hardly anything.  I do have a confession as hard as I tried to stay good while eating Easter dinner I did stray just a little bit off of the path.

Other than that the diet has been ok.  I am starting to fantasizing about all the foods that I can't have but I overall I think I have been handling everything pretty well.  I have noticed that my clothes are starting to feel normal again so that is an excellent feeling!  I am looking forward to buying new clothes since spring is around the corner.

Stay tuned for how I did for week 5 :)