Why Don't You See What I See?

As part of my job I drive a lot.  This excess driving time gave me ample time to think about life, more specifically my dating life (or lack thereof).  And I realized something I already knew:  I am frustrated!

I know I haven't written a post in a few months (my apologies).  The thing is, life has been pretty uneventful. I work, workout, cook and clean, and maybe go out for the most part.  I have been spending a lot of time with my mom, and I MEAN A LOT.  I have become a homebody homebody of sorts. I rarely fully commit to plans so that I have the option of staying home and sleeping without offending others.  Oh and yeah, dating has been a non muthaf$*%@! factor.

The last time I "seriously" was dating a guy was in July.  And I use the quotation marks because I was serious but I don't think he was hence why we broke up <insert laughing/crying emoji face here>.  Since then I haven't really felt like being bothered.  I have had exes come and quickly leave (thank God).  Oh and in December I went on the hands down worst date I have ever been on in my entire 30 something years on this planet.

This year I haven't made any official new year resolutions.  However, I have unofficially decided to give up completely on online dating (at least for a year).  Quite honestly, at the rate I have been going, I am starting to question whether dating is going to be part of my 2017 at all, but I digress...

As I was driving today I realized the most frustrating thing about dating is that men don't see what a catch I am!  Oh and I am a catch!  I am not being arrogant here.  I am a rare combination of beauty, brains, compassion, passion, humor, silliness and seriousness.  I have so much love to give to the right person, whenever he  presents himself.  Guys, I don't get it, why don't you see what I see?  There are so many men that I have met who I think are amazing.  So what's up with ya'll not seeing my awesomeness?  I don't get it. 

And I don't want to see any of those old cliche sayings from you people, yes you people.  You know what I am talking about the whole "when you stop looking you will find someone".  Or "Do you approach guys"?  And "let the guys approach you".  "Have you tried online dating?"  *rolls eyes* Blah blah blah I ain't trying to hear that man.  

What I am trying to hear is for a man to understand all this greatness in front of him and snatch it up before someone else does!  But until that happens I am going to plan like 2017 has some other great things for me that don't include a man and keep it moving.

Don't Read The Comments

Over the past year or so I have learned a new mantra:  Don't read the comments!.  You see I for quite some time I have had this love/hate relationship with social media.  While it is a great tool for connecting and creating discourse it is also a lousy tool for everyone inserting their opinion when no one cares.  I tell you, if you want to see humans at their worst read the comments from a post or from an article.  It is as if people think that the stupid, hateful, mean, and ugly things that they say are ok because of the First Amendment or because we "live in America" and blah blah blah.  Have we always been a society filled with hate and rage or is this a new phenomenon created by the rise of a certain presidential candidate?

It shouldn't bother me right?  They are just words.  They are people I don't even know right?  Eh not always.  Sometimes they are former friends, classmates, and coworkers.  Reading some of the vile things that people post and comment on makes me sick to my stomach.  It makes me question the people who I thought that I knew and it makes me question my own judge in character.  It also makes me realize just because someone might know me does not mean that it will influence their thoughts or opinions on issues that directly effect me as a black woman.

But maybe is the worst when I read the comments of strangers.  It is in these incidents that I instantly feel the need to prove my point with logical statements and facts thinking that maybe, just maybe I can change one mind today.  Who am I kidding?  They don't want to change.  They are perfectly happen living in denial, ignorance, and/or filled with hate.  I always have told me that you can't change others you can only change you react to others, but why can't I follow my own advice?

So everyone save yourself the trouble and the energy by following my advice:  Don't read the comments!

Finding Happiness

This year has been quite the year.  My mom and I moved to an apartment and I got my first permanent job after many years of looking.  A few days ago I turned 35 (or thirty-fine has my waitress proclaimed it last night).  Yet, my spirit is still not settled.

The weight of being a caretaker is tough.  It was hard before we moved but now sometimes it feels impossible.  It is not just about scheduling appointments.  Now it is about making sure we always has meals ready, making sure she takes her medicine, teaching her how to use appliance and gadgets, and still today constant trying to get her to remember her new address.  I do all of this while craving quiet an alone time while my mother lives on constant attention.  It is tough.  I am tired and I never imagined I would be as drained as I am.  Sometimes I have flashes of thinking what will happen to my mom if I die prematurely.  I then have the small panic of feeling unprepared if that does happen.

I am doing a job that I love.  I am using my degree trying to make a difference in children who need help.  I like my colleagues.  I love the flexibility of my job.  Yet, over and over again I have trouble sleeping.  I find myself drifting somewhere between reality and the dream world and I can't discern whether that client who i am thinking about really exists or if I am stressing over a case that I have created in my dreams.  Having a permanent job is outstanding, but I find myself waiting for this job to disappear.  I keep anticipating when the shoe will drop again and I will figure out how to survive losing a job while maintaining a household.

At the end of the week I feel so exhausted.  I am exhausted with being a caretaker and I am exhausted with anxiety and worry.  On my days off I cram so much in that I don't even have the chance to decompress.

But today I decided I am going to find happiness again.  From now until the end of the year I am going to make a conscious effort to take care of myself, mind, body and spirit.  I am going to get back to doing things that bring me job.  I will not allow myself to feel guilty during those times when I practice self-care.  I also tell others that you have to make sure that you take care of yourself otherwise you will not be able to effectively help others.  But I never follow this.  I burn myself being everyone's everything all while I am being my nothing.  But today is the day that I stop that.  I am going to find happiness again and I will keep you posted on my progress.

Measure Up

Dating sucks ya'll.  The older I get the more I wonder if I should get comfortable with the idea that I will never get married.  I try to sometimes, but deep down I have hope, no matter how small.

So for right now I have decided to give dating a break.  The truth is I just am not meeting men who match what I am looking for.  And before you start to judge, I know my own flaws.  I am not saying that I am perfect, but I know that I have a lot to bring to any potential relationship.  I just haven't met someone who enough qualities to bring to the table.

This weekend I took a little road trip.  Since I was driving it gave me a lot of time to think, a lot.  And one of the thoughts that I had is that I have now lived longer than I have known my dad.  Between my own memories and the memories others I know he was a great father and a great man.  Not only was he the kind of person that I strive to be, but he is the kind of man who I am looking for in a partner.  He was not easily angered and remained pretty even keeled.  He was intelligent and had a dry sense of humor.  My dad worked hard and was dedicated to helping the community.  He was supportive and an encourager.  I keep wondering will there be a man who will measure up to him?

The problem is that we want all of these qualities in a man but we settle if a guy has two or three or one, or has a nice body?  Sometimes we get so wrapped up in someone being interested in us that we ignore the fact that we are not really interested in them.  And we do this because we are scared.  Scared there might not be another opportunity out there if we turn down this guy.  Unfortunately, if this was not the right match this wasn't really an opportunity either was it?

So it hit me.  I am taking this break.  I am going to just let things be.  2016 has been my year.  Maybe instead of finding a boyfriend to make this year complete I can find myself instead.

Waiting

I woke up during the middle of the night with the theme to a poem called Waiting.  Of course I went back to sleep and never wrote that poem lol.  But I thought that I would write about it instead.

So I had been dating this guy for the past few months.  I decided to not write about it because there were so many more interesting things going on in my life.  No I'm lying.  The truth is I didn't want him to read what I had to say and that alone should have been a sign to me.

Things started off cool.  I was coming off of a self-imposed dating hiatus.  He seemed really into me which was nice.  And he seemed different, but I guess that they all do at first.  The first couple of months seemed cool.  It was the third month that seemed shaky.  We talked on the phone less.  We texted less.  We only had dates weeks apart.  It was in that third month where I started to question whether he was enough.  I pretty much thought that he wasn't, but I did like his company so I waited to see if things would change.

While I was waiting other little things started to irritate me.  He was always tardy.  He didn't seem to listen to me.  He couldn't remember my middle name much less my birthday.  The conversations were often one-sided.  He had a quick temper and was impatient.  I waited to have a discussion with him but it got harder and harder to reach him.  

Last week I was tired of waiting for things to get better.  I wanted out.  I wanted to start dating other people without the guilt.  I told him he we should be friends but I would be open to a discussion about it.  He told me he wanted to have the discussion but not while he was driving.  The discussion never happened.  He went MIA and when he was no longer a missing person I didn't hear a peep.  

Today I realized I was tired of waiting for him to be the friend/man/boyfriend/husband that I wanted because I didn't want to be associated with someone who has such little regard for others.  Turns out when I was waiting for him to get his act together I was really waiting on myself to let go.

He might call me.  They all come back.  But I'm not waiting for him anymore.

Another Father's Day (Without My Father)

Here it is, another Father's Day without my father.  My life looks so different than it did on the first Father's Day without him back in 1998.  Back then I was a rising senior in high school balancing my quirkiness with my intelligence.  Somewhere around Father's Day '98, I was figuring out how to adjust to a move from Illinois to Maryland.  I was going into my senior year into a vastly unfamiliar area.  I was essentially starting over at the end.  I had to navigate the world minus one parent and with a parent who was slowly declining.  I had to begin to adjust to having my grandparents, who I only saw a couple of times a year, now being my full-time roommates.  I had no time to dwell.  No time time imagine the what ifs and would could have beens.  I just had to live.

Now all these years later I have kept living.  Taking care of my mother, living together and managing all of our idiosyncrasies and doctors appointments together.  Now starting a new job that combines my degrees and supports my desire to help others, just like my dad.  Recently, my mom has told me many times how proud that my father would have been of me.  I hope to that it is true.  I hope that my life is a testament the sacrifices that were made on behalf of my mom and my dad.  I hope that I am a reflection of the kind of person that he would have wanted me to be.

My dad passed away 18 years ago, but while some memories fade other memories are always as if they happened just yesterday.  I tell my friends who have lost a loved one that it doesn't get easier but you just learn how to adjust.  And I will admit that sometimes it hurts more now than it did then.  But I keep going, i keep living because I am sure that is what my dad would have wanted.

Never Never Never Give Up

If you have been a long time reader of my blog you know that I have been on a journey.  I have been trying to figure out the point of it all and whatever that may entail.  I have been trying to navigate through a sea of hardships and difficulties while still being faithful and perserverant.   This year, 2016, I have finally seen it all come together and I have nothing but praise for God.

I started off 2016 knowing that this year was going to be different.  My aunt whom I lived with died last October.  I knew that my mom and I would have move out of our family house.  I knew that I now would be my mom's sole caregiver.  It was a scenario that scared me for many years.  But this year I was no longer scared.  This year was my year, and I knew that I was going to be able to do it.  This says a lot because I am a planner and a worrier.  Most of you probably have no idea how much I stress about the unknown and trying to achieve near perfection.  I try to plan for every possible roadblock with multiple back up plans.  This year I was able to let some of that go.  No, I didn't figure out everything that would happen with my mom and her care.  No, I did not worry about not having the stability of a permanent job.  Yet I forged ahead anyway.

Today I am currently writing you from MY bed.  In MY apartment.  Yes MY apartment.  My mom and I moved into our own space a few weeks ago.  Am I happy? Absolutely. There is nothing like the feeling of coming home to a place that is my own.  It has not been without a few hiccups, but they are only hiccups not setbacks.  I have noticed how much my mom likes to talk and how much I like to be quiet.  I have also done more cooking the past two weeks than I have done probably in the past two years.

Having my own place has also helped me to get back on the healthy lifestyle path.  I have been going to the fitness center in my complex multiple times a week.  I was able to cancel my gym membership and save a few dollars.  I am careful about which foods that I am bringing in not only for myself but for my mom.  I have been making green smoothies for breakfast.  Eating out less.  Eating in more.  And I have been packing my lunch almost over day.  I have even started to drop some pounds as a result.

But the ending of this story might be the biggest.  Today was the first day at my new job!  Yes, my new permanent job.  This comes after  years of applying for jobs, sending resumes, going on interviews, going on second interviews, and rejection letter after rejection letter.  And it is position is going back to my roots.  Once again I will able to fulfill my spirit by representing children in child abuse and neglect cases.

Even though it is only June it feels like my year is complete, but it isn't.  I know this is just the beginning of more amazing opportunities.  I fully intend to both testify about my blessings but to be a blessing to others. My friends and family have been amazing over the years.  They have encouraged me when I felt down.  They have supported me when I needed help.  They have been my happiness when I have been down.  And I just can't imagine having done it all without them.  So thank you!!!!

And let this be a testament to others.  I thank the Lord for my mustard seed of faith.  I praise God for whom all blessings flow.  Sometimes when I volunteer with the organization #HashtagLunchBag (which I highly recommend) I decorate bags with the quote by Winston Churchill that says, "Never never never give up."  After a received a text message from a friend I realized that I didn't.  If you feel that you are at the end of your rope hold on keep going because God has more in store for you.