Am I Invisible?

This weekend one of my girls and I went out.  I was excited because I hadn't been out out in awhile.  I was single and ready to mingle!  However, at some point in the evening  my excitement dwindled.

You see I have noticed this occurrence happen more and more.  Why do men who are interested in my friends try to use me as a conduit?  I mean seriously!  It happened to me at least three times in one night.  The first guy even tried to befriend me and buy me drinks only to ask me if he thought that he had a chance with my friend.  Sir, please don't talk to me all night to try to get my friend!  But then after this one guy, more guys decided to tell me that my friend was hot.  What a slap in the face!  It made me wonder if I am invisible?

Is this the new normal?  I mean is that what's hot on in the streets, for me to do your work for you?  NO THANKS!  To me it seems kind of cowardly to come up to me to talk about my friend. If you are interested in someone shouldn't you just go up to them directly? Also it's just kind of rude.  I felt like the ugly stepchild all night and I know that I am far from ugly.  I am fabulous!

My cousin asked me if I was jealous of the attention.  Maybe a little.  But overall I was just irritated.  I went out to enjoy myself and meet people, not to serve as my friend's wing man for the entire night, but that point I will save for another post.

So the moral of the story is:  Men if you are interested in my friend please just go ahead and tell my friend not me.  Thanks!

Getting Myself Together

Since my most recent contract job ended last week, I realized that I need to get my life together.  I need to clean up my room, apply to jobs, and workout.  For this post I am going to focus on the later.

I have really let myself go.  I have been eating anything and everything.  Normally this is not as bad if I am working out, but that has fallen off too.  I step on the scale every morning.  I have noticed the steady increase.  It is now at the point where I said that I would never be.  Don't worry, I am not back at my original heaviest weight, but if I proceed in the same manner as I am now I will be soon enough.

Not to mention I feel terrible.  My clothes feel almost uncomfortably tight.  I am starting to feel bloated and gross.  And quite frankly not being where I should be, just makes me feel unattractive.  As much as I like going out and meeting people at the same time I feel a little unnerved because I am not at my best.  I know from experience that whatever mood that you are in, you will be projecting that mood out into the universe.

BUT have no fear I went to the gym this morning.  It was very very painful.  Do you know what it feels like to the gym that first day after not having gone for awhile?  IT SUCKS!  Plus, I always get so self-conscience in the gym.  I feel like everyone is looking at me funny.  I have some breathing issues, especially when I am working out.  And you know when you put on headphones you have no idea about how hard you are breathing, I am convinced that the people on the machines next to me think that I am going to die.  My friends always tell me to get over it, but it is always in the back of my mind.

I have decided that today is the time to get it back together.  No waiting until the holidays, heck, no waiting until December 1st.  Now I just need to figure out when my next vacation is so I have something to show off my svelte figure in a few months :)

What I Am Thankful For

Today is Pre-Thanksgiving.  With all the hustle and the bustle of tomorrow, I thought I would take a few minutes to share what I am thankful for.

Next month will mark the two year anniversary of not having full time employment.  I never imagined that I would ever be in this type of situation.  Two years ago when I saw the stories of the unemployed I never thought I would be one of them.  At the very least, I felt that my unemployment stretch would be a short one,  however, it has been far from that.  Despite all of this, I am thankful for this period of my life.  I have grown stronger than I knew that I was possible.  I have become more humble and I have learned what it feels like to really be limited.  I have also learned that while money is important there is no comparison for happiness.  Each day marks a new step toward finding my own happiness and becoming a better person.  Between temporary jobs and my part time job, I have been able to explore this.

I am writing this post because I am waiting for my mom to get home from the senior center.  And as I was waiting I realized, although this is not the first realization, that despite all of the stress and heartache that comes with having a mother with MS, I love her with all my heart.  I cannot imagine her not being in my life.  Even though sometimes I could do without her waking me up before my alarm goes off, or her begging me to buy her Mega Millions and Powerball tickets, or even having her dig her nails into my skin as she holds on to my arm as she is walking, she is truly a blessing in my life.  I think that I persevere because I know that I am the person who she relies on and looks up to.  I know that with my Dad gone, that he would expect no less from me.

I am also thankful for the rest of my family.  We are not like Martin, and we do not all just get along all the time, but that's ok.  We all have different personalities and different backgrounds.  However, the one real thing about my family is that in the end we all come together and put aside our differences when it is needed.  I probably do not always show my love and thankfulness as much as I should sometimes, but that is a work in progress.

My friends are the world to me.  I really am blessed to have some of the greatest friends ever.  We have been through thick and thin.  My friends are like my own sisters and brothers.   I love them so much.  I appreciate you listening to me and dealing with my ever changing moods.  Thank you for correcting me when I am wrong and allowing me to voice my opinion whether you want to hear it or not.  You guys are awesome and I don't tell you that enough.

Finally I want to thank you...all two of you that read this lol j/k.  I know it is more like 20.  Thank you for letting me get some stuff off of my chest.  I enjoy sharing my thoughts with others and learning that other people agree with some of the things that I am thinking too.  I hope that will continue to grow in learn in your presence.

Are my expectations too high?

Are my expectations too high?  After my last relationship ended I decided that I needed to make some changes in my expectations of my potential suitors.  I think I have written about this before, but I believe that women have allowed men to get lazy.  I think that men do not have to "court" women anymore because woman don't demand to be courted.  It is understandable though.  Part of it is that maybe we have never truly been courted in the first place.   The other part is, that maybe we are just so desperate to find love and companionship that we are willing to cut corners and relax our standards in order to not feel lonely.  We have become to comfortable with just "hanging out" or having a first date chilling on the couch watching tv.  Those are not dates, those are examples of lazy dating.  Or even worse, examples of not really valuing you enough or wanting to commit to even going on a real date.

I will admit, this was me.  It took me a long time to come into my own and realize my own self-worth.  Shoot, I still have issues with it now too.  I want to find a man who appreciates me.  I want to enjoy his company as he enjoys my own.  But, I need to be treated like a queen.  I mean even treating me like more than the help would be a step up at this point.  I want to know that a man is really interested in me.  I want to see that he is making an effort to woo me.  Is that too much to ask?

I have tried various methods of dating.  I meet people both in person and online.  But the results appear to be the same, terrible!  I was talking to one of my male friends about this the other day.  I told him that one of the new guys I am talking to acts like he is really interested and looking forward to going out and getting to know each other.  However, he barely returns my texts and phone calls, and made a half-ass effort to ask me out and then never followed through.  I can only think that this type of behavior is something that would continue if we were dating.  At 36, I believe that you should know how to court a woman, correct?  That makes me think that he is either not truly interested or he is just lazy.  I over thinking?  My friend told me that "women are impossible."  But I don't think that wanting a man to show the effort to get to know me is asking too much.

Or another example is man I met a few weeks ago while I was out.  He asked me for my number.  He told me to call him.  I already thought this was a red flag.  If a guy is truly interested shouldn't he feel free to call me?  I mean HE asked ME for my number, not the other way around.  Anyway, after a few texts and phone calls that went nowhere I didn't hear from him.  I deleted his number last week, and I am not looking back.  Why even bother asking me for my number if you plan no follow through?  I don't need anymore phone or text buddies.  I felt like I should have followed my gut in the first place and never called him.

My girlfriends tell me that I am sometimes too judgmental and that I do not give guys a chance.  But I think that actions speak louder than words.  How many chances should I give to a potential suitor who is really not trying to be suited to my expectations or needs?

I am lonely.  And it is the holidays.  The thoughts of ringing in the New Year with my mom sound very unappealing lol.  However, I realize that right now maybe I am supposed to be alone for a reason.  I still would love someone to sweep me off my feet though and I don't mind waiting for it.  If that makes my expectations too high then so be it.  Hmpf!

Single and ok with it

While I was driving home from the gym earlier today, yes I went to the gym (but I will save that for a different post), I was reflecting on the holidays.  Basically from November until about February I have always been kind of down.  A few years ago I self-diagnosed myself as having seasonal affective disorder (now I understand why teachers wrote that I always complained of being sick and why I knew the definition of a hypochondriac at such a young age). I don't care if I grew up in Illinois, after living in Louisiana for three years, I no longer have a tolerance for the cold.

Another contributing factor to my sadness is thinking about the major changes that happened at this time.  When I was in 8th grade around Thanksgiving my mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  In that same 8th grade year in January, my dad was then diagnosed with cancer.  My dad ended up passing away from cancer three years later in February.

But now there is the added wrench of being single.  For the past two years the holidays were partially spent with my boyfriend at the time.  He would always work on Thanksgiving so I would pack a plate to go for the both of us an travel down to his place at night so he could have dinner.  And always to top it off we would cook the turkey at one of us bought from Popeyes.  I must tell you I would start talking about this turkey in summer.  It was serious business.  But this year, we are not together.  There will be no Popeye's turkey for me, and no trip to Virginia to spend part of the holidays with him. In fact, I even have to work on Friday, so that pretty much eliminates so of the free time I would have had anyway.  Then I started thinking about New Year's, and how I have no one to kiss this year...

But despite all of this, for the first time maybe ever in life, I am single and ok with it.  I told my co-worker today that I am single single.  Meaning, I am single with no prospects.  I mean single and not going on ANY dates.  Don't get me wrong, I would like to be taken out to dinner, the movies, shoot even McDonald's is a step up from nothing lol.  However, this is the first time I have felt comfortable with being alone, because I truly know what I want and don't want.  I remember when I was younger and less confident, I blindly longed for companionship.  Now with a few relationships under my belt and becoming a little older and a lot wiser I am ok with being single.  I have decided that I would much rather be single than be unhappy and with someone.  I am ok with waiting and being patient until the right person comes along.  I value myself and my desires so much more than I ever have before.

I have been able to do so much while not having to worry about men.  I have been able to take vacations.  I can go out and flirt with the security guard at a bar that has neck tattoos and not feel ashamed.  I can spend as much time with my girls as I want.  I do not have to worry about allotting time in my schedule for someone who wouldn't have the courtesy to do the same.   I have been able to spend more time with my mom.  I have learned more about her.  I have been more comfortable with her.  And I am learning how to appreciate her despite of her flaws.  And most importantly, I am learning to love myself despite my own flaws.

I am in a new place in my life.  It is feels kind of scary, but kind of good at the same time.  But overall I am single and I am ok with it.

Four More Years...

Tuesday was a monumental day.  President Barack Obama was re-elected as President of the United States.  A black president makes it for another term...whhhaaaat!?!?  Four years ago, when he was first elected, I was celebrating on U St. with friends and strangers into the wee hours of the morning.  This year, I am a little older, and a little more sophisticated.  I was with most of the same friend but instead of shutting down an intersection we were informed of President Obama's victory while listening to NPR on the way home.  I couldn't even stay up for the concession speech much less the victory speech.  I was worn out from a long day of work, too strong of drinks. and well, me just being older.

As a result of the election this year I have been able to observe a few things.  First, I LOVE POLITICS.  I have always loved politics for as long as I can remember.  In fact, I remember year after year trying to run for class president or the SGA only to come up short.  For many years I even wanted to become the first black female President.  However, while I no longer have the same passion to run for office, I still love politics.  I realized that I need to be involved in some way even if if it means volunteering for a local campaign.  So in two years I am in, this is my promise to myself.

My other observation is how much we are divided as a country.  I mean this on two levels.  In Maryland, Question 6 which allowed for the legalization of gay marriage was passed.  I have had so many gay and lesbian friends growing up.  My support for gay marriage was never an issue.  But as a result of this referendum I have really gotten to know the opinions of others, including those who I call friends.  I am still amazed that the lengths that people will go to prevent other people's happiness.  Regardless of how you feel about homosexuality do you believe that is it is your right dictate who can marry who?

Post election I have seen racist, sexist and homophobic rants on Facebook.  I have read articles online and have heard reports on tv.  I don't know whether to be scared or happy.  Scared because of all this bubbling deep seated hatred, or happy because people's hate is out in the open instead of behind closed doors.  I have seen people assume because one is a democrat that they are on welfare, have multiple kids, and are unemployed.  Or on the other side that Republicans are racist, sexist, red neck idiots.   States have threatened to secede.  People have threatened to move.  Are people unhappy about the person who is president or the color of his skin?  In a society were Caucasians are becoming the minority I feel like it is time that we start having some serious conversations about race in America.  Our country no longer looks the way it did when it was founded.  we are truly become a melting pot of colors and ideas.  No one is really moving to Canada so we need to start getting to know each other and learning to work with each other and no against each other regardless of sex, sexual orientation, race, class or whatever.

As for four more years....  I hope that President Obama pushes up his sleeves, stops being the nice guy, and get to work!  We have a lot of issues going on this country and we have no time for rest.  And we, the people who elected him (or didn't), need to make sure to hold him accountable and to back him up if he needs it.  Let's make this a fantastic four more years!

Hurricane Sandy

You never know when your life will be turned upside down.  I am sure no one ever thought that Hurricane Sandy would have created the devastation that it did to the East Coast.   It is even crazier for me to imagine because I was in New York and Atlantic City this weekend.  To see such a drastic change in a few days I cannot even believe.

How do you prepare for an event that will change you life?  Can you prepare for it?  And what do you do once your life is is changed?   Seeing pictures of the "City that Never Sleeps" at a standstill is a jarring image.  But for every disturbing image it makes me smile and shed a tear for the sense of community that a tragedy can bring together.  People are opening their homes, their wallets, and their hearts to assist others.

Right now all of the little things that I was complaining about are trivial.  Right now I am blessed for the things that I do have, for the people that I have taken for granted.  And I thank God for reminding me that no day is promised to us.  I thank God for reminding us all that what we think that we "own" is not ours, but his.  Blessings and prayers to all the families that were affected by Hurricane Sandy.