In church a few weeks ago the pastor said that each person has their own theme. It was a small part of the sermon that day, but it is still something that has run through my mind here and there. What is my theme? I think today that I figured it out. I am a helper. If you know me, or even if you are a strict follower of my blog this seems so obvious.
You see, ever since I can remember I have been drawn to helping people. I always loved volunteering as a child. I loved going to nursing homes and singing, even though I was no Jennifer Hudson lol. I even was the president of Key Club in high school, until I moved to Maryland. And the same applied throughout college, law school, and today. There is no wonder that my career choice has always been encompassed by the need to help/fix others.
Well the same is true with my friends. I am a zealous advocate of my friends I have realized, maybe to a fault. I want so bad for my friends to be happy that many time avenge their hurts more than they would themselves. It is kind of like I am sponge for other people's pain. And while I am glad that I can deeply empathize with others, I end up internalizing some of the emotions as well.
It all kind of hit me when I was talking with one of my very close friends. I was telling her, yet again, how I wanted to have a discussion with one of the guys she dated because I felt like he was behaving inappropriately. She told me I needed to let it go because she wasn't expecting anything from him and didn't care. For a split second a though flashed in my head that I actually care more about her situation than she did. And this is not the first time.
While I am excelling at being a good friend, a good daughter, a good community helper, I am hurting in the process too. The bad things about sponges is there is only only so much that a sponge can absorb before it is rendered useless. I fear that I come dangerous close to my breaking point.
Sometimes I even feel resentful to the world. I feel alone. I feel tired. I wonder to myself at times who is there for me when I need help? Will someone be there to beat up my ex and kick him in the baby maker even when I didn't ask for it? I help not for the recognition, but because I truly enjoy doing it. However, I need replenishment for my soul too.
And I don't want to say for that my friends aren't down. That's not what I mean at all. I just feel like for those people that care more for others than they do themselves that it is a lonely place filled with self-doubt and even fear. I guess I need to figure out how to balance it all.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Ex Withdrawal
A few weeks ago I wrote about how I was torn with trying to be friends with my ex. I am slowly trying to, I suppose, ween myself away from him. I don't call him, I stopped texting, and I don't email him. And even though it was hard, it is been a week since and I still haven't responded to his last email. But it still makes me feel sad.
As angry as I was, and maybe still am, I am starting to feel better. No longer to I have a bombardment of thoughts as to kicking him in the baby maker. But I still wonder sometimes what he is doing, and even who is doing whatever with. It all kind of hit me a little bit for the start of the football season too. Normally it would have been us cooking and watching football together or going to the bar together, but this year I am watching alone, or working so I don't even see a game at all.
As good as I have been I still miss him, especially the this week. Last week I started a new temp gig. We used to have the joke that when one of us gets paid we both get paid, but I didn't share the joke with him this time because I didn't talk to him. Then this week I had an interview. Normally he would have been the first person I told when I got the interview and the first person I called after it finished. Instead I didn't contact him at all. And after the interview I just listened to NPR all the way home :/
So I must admit I am going through ex withdrawal. But I think that it is exacerbated by the fact that I feel kind of lonely and have kind of given up on the whole dating idea, at least for now. I just feel so ambivalent about the my romantic situation and I am starting to feel more and more that there is no man out there for me. I know I am young and I still have time, but when I look around at what is available I feel like just hibernating until I am 60 lol. I hope someone proves me wrong!
But I guess I am growing, healing, and learning. This whole process is making me think different about life and the kind of person who I want to be and the kind of person that I want in my life. And in time I will be better for it.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Eating Disorder Awareness
On every TV that you turn on or each in each magazine you read is filled with images of the prototype of the perfect male or female. These airbrushed and computer enhanced images are supposed to show us the definition of beauty and perfection. Not to mention these same magazines that have the newest fad diet plan of the month right next to the pictures. It is no surprise that eating disorders are becoming more prevalent and especially in younger aged children.
I am a board member of the Eating Disorder Network of Maryland. Before I became a board member I was very much in the dark about eating disorders. What I did know was from after school specials on TV and the occasional information in a health class, but eating disorders are so much more than that.
Society fails to treat eating disorders as the mental health disease that they are. Instead, people with eating disorders are thought of as stubborn or as having a lack of self control. But this is not true at all. In addition, many people think that they have never encountered a person with an eating disorder, however, many with the diseases are masters of covering up their illness. And please remember that eating disorders are not a white girl thing, despite popular belief. They effect white, black, women, and men, the poor and the rich, they do not discriminate! This post is my little part to teach you raise awareness about eating disorders.
Let's start at the beginning. What is an eating disorder? According to the National Eating Disorder Network (NEDA) eating disorders such as bulimia, anorexia, and binge eating disorders, " include
extreme emotions, attitudes, and behaviors surrounding weight and food issues. Eating disorders are
serious emotional and physical problems that can have life-threatening consequences for females and
males."
There are several types of definable eating disorders. Anorexia is categorized as self-starvation and excessive weight loss. Bulimia is, "a secretive cycle of binge eating followed by purging.
Bulimia includes eating large amounts of food--more than most people would eat in one meal--in short
periods of time, then getting rid of the food and calories through vomiting, laxative abuse, or overexercising." Binge eating includes eating in a large uncontrolled manner to the level of compulsion without purging. While bulimia and anorexia are the most popular there are more that do not fall into this category. I recently found out that both over exercising, excessive use of laxatives, and even extreme forms of organic or vegetarian eating can also fall under the eating disorder umbrella
Each individual may manifest symptoms in different ways, however there are many similar underlying issues. These issues include depression, anxiety, loneliness,and a poor body image. Other possible factors are troubles with relationships, a history of physical or sexual abuse, and emotional issues.
The repercussions of an eating disorder are far reaching. Eating disorders may cause other physical issues such as an imbalance of chemicals in the body such as lower potassium levels. Also common is dental problems such as the erosion of enamel of the teeth. And worst of all, many insurance companies either do not cover the costs for treatment or do not provide for the full course of treatment that the patient may need!
This year I am the walk coordinator for the EDN/NEDA Walk in Baltimore to raise funds for awareness and education of eating disorders. If you can please participate and/or please donate to the cause click here.
Also to find out more information about the Eating Disorder Network of Maryland please click here.
To learn more about the National Eating Disorder Association click here.
I am a board member of the Eating Disorder Network of Maryland. Before I became a board member I was very much in the dark about eating disorders. What I did know was from after school specials on TV and the occasional information in a health class, but eating disorders are so much more than that.
Society fails to treat eating disorders as the mental health disease that they are. Instead, people with eating disorders are thought of as stubborn or as having a lack of self control. But this is not true at all. In addition, many people think that they have never encountered a person with an eating disorder, however, many with the diseases are masters of covering up their illness. And please remember that eating disorders are not a white girl thing, despite popular belief. They effect white, black, women, and men, the poor and the rich, they do not discriminate! This post is my little part to teach you raise awareness about eating disorders.
Let's start at the beginning. What is an eating disorder? According to the National Eating Disorder Network (NEDA) eating disorders such as bulimia, anorexia, and binge eating disorders, " include
extreme emotions, attitudes, and behaviors surrounding weight and food issues. Eating disorders are
serious emotional and physical problems that can have life-threatening consequences for females and
males."
There are several types of definable eating disorders. Anorexia is categorized as self-starvation and excessive weight loss. Bulimia is, "a secretive cycle of binge eating followed by purging.
Bulimia includes eating large amounts of food--more than most people would eat in one meal--in short
periods of time, then getting rid of the food and calories through vomiting, laxative abuse, or overexercising." Binge eating includes eating in a large uncontrolled manner to the level of compulsion without purging. While bulimia and anorexia are the most popular there are more that do not fall into this category. I recently found out that both over exercising, excessive use of laxatives, and even extreme forms of organic or vegetarian eating can also fall under the eating disorder umbrella
Each individual may manifest symptoms in different ways, however there are many similar underlying issues. These issues include depression, anxiety, loneliness,and a poor body image. Other possible factors are troubles with relationships, a history of physical or sexual abuse, and emotional issues.
The repercussions of an eating disorder are far reaching. Eating disorders may cause other physical issues such as an imbalance of chemicals in the body such as lower potassium levels. Also common is dental problems such as the erosion of enamel of the teeth. And worst of all, many insurance companies either do not cover the costs for treatment or do not provide for the full course of treatment that the patient may need!
This year I am the walk coordinator for the EDN/NEDA Walk in Baltimore to raise funds for awareness and education of eating disorders. If you can please participate and/or please donate to the cause click here.
Also to find out more information about the Eating Disorder Network of Maryland please click here.
To learn more about the National Eating Disorder Association click here.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
Years ago the book Don't Sweat the Small Stuff.. and it's all small stuff by Richard Carlson was pretty popular. It is so popular that it is now a series! Anyway, the book gives different meditations and ideas to help you de-stress. It is funny that after selling millions of copies of the book that people are still sweating all the stuff, big and small.. You would think that a phrase so simple wold be so easy to complete.
I was reminded of this concept while chatting with one of my friends earlier today. My friend is on a family trip and is having conflicts with her sister. From as long as I have known my friend she has always had a tumultuous relationship with her sister because of their vastly different personalities and her sister's lack of maturity. So it is rather unsurprising that my friend would have another tiff with her sister while on this most recent outing.
In my unsolicited advice I told my friend to ignore her sister. I told her, and I am paraphrasing here, that she needs to ignore her sister. I also added that she can't change her sister's behaviors or even personality. She cannot will her sister into being more mature or being less self-centered. I told my friend that the only person that she can change is herself and how she chooses to react to her sister. I know that is easier said than done, especially in the moment. But I guess the worst feeling in the world is when you want to change someone that won't change.
I can relate to my friend. I too can sometimes hold on to words from others and internalize them for years. I have never been the "don't sweat the small stuff" type of gal. I sweat the small stuff right beside the big stuff. When I was younger I often felt that I would have a fate similar to the professor in A Beautiful Mind and think myself to death. I sometimes think that worrying in my family was a trait that was passed down from generation after generation.
Even with all the prayer, yoga, and meditation it is hard to shake the concern and the worry over situations that many times I have no control. It is exhausting to have conversations and feelings of hurt replay in my mind and in my heart repeatedly. I have often wished that my mind was a blank slate and that I would never have to care about other's feelings, or worry about doing the right thing, or being the better person, or any other crap that we are taught as children. But I can't turn it off. I have trouble letting go.
I look at others and I admire how cool and collected they always seem to be. You know those level headed individuals who let everything roll of their backs? My dad was kind of like that. Guess I didn't get that from him. But while I believe that I will never quite master the art of letting things go and picking and choosing my battles, I will never stop trying and learning. I guess it is just a process, just like everything else.
Maybe the most important concept is to remember that in the grand scheme of it all that a vast majority really is small stuff and not worth sweating.
I was reminded of this concept while chatting with one of my friends earlier today. My friend is on a family trip and is having conflicts with her sister. From as long as I have known my friend she has always had a tumultuous relationship with her sister because of their vastly different personalities and her sister's lack of maturity. So it is rather unsurprising that my friend would have another tiff with her sister while on this most recent outing.
In my unsolicited advice I told my friend to ignore her sister. I told her, and I am paraphrasing here, that she needs to ignore her sister. I also added that she can't change her sister's behaviors or even personality. She cannot will her sister into being more mature or being less self-centered. I told my friend that the only person that she can change is herself and how she chooses to react to her sister. I know that is easier said than done, especially in the moment. But I guess the worst feeling in the world is when you want to change someone that won't change.
I can relate to my friend. I too can sometimes hold on to words from others and internalize them for years. I have never been the "don't sweat the small stuff" type of gal. I sweat the small stuff right beside the big stuff. When I was younger I often felt that I would have a fate similar to the professor in A Beautiful Mind and think myself to death. I sometimes think that worrying in my family was a trait that was passed down from generation after generation.
Even with all the prayer, yoga, and meditation it is hard to shake the concern and the worry over situations that many times I have no control. It is exhausting to have conversations and feelings of hurt replay in my mind and in my heart repeatedly. I have often wished that my mind was a blank slate and that I would never have to care about other's feelings, or worry about doing the right thing, or being the better person, or any other crap that we are taught as children. But I can't turn it off. I have trouble letting go.
I look at others and I admire how cool and collected they always seem to be. You know those level headed individuals who let everything roll of their backs? My dad was kind of like that. Guess I didn't get that from him. But while I believe that I will never quite master the art of letting things go and picking and choosing my battles, I will never stop trying and learning. I guess it is just a process, just like everything else.
Maybe the most important concept is to remember that in the grand scheme of it all that a vast majority really is small stuff and not worth sweating.
Monday, September 10, 2012
When Teacher's Strike
Today marks Day One of the Teacher's Strike in Chicago. According to the Today Show, it is the third largest school district in the country. As a result of the strike, many families are left scrambling to find care for their children. Is it selfish or irresponsible for teacher's to strike? In my humble opinion no.
Teachers have one of the the most underpaid jobs in the country. Teachers have such an important role. A role that is often belittled and and undervalued in this country. No longer is a child saying that they want to become a teacher a career path that is met with awe of parents and friends. Teachers really have a thankless job and their salaries are a reflection of that. I have often looked at the salary of professional and even college sports teams in paltry comparison. Teachers definitely are not paid in proportional to their work. Even with multiple degrees teachers cannot expect big salaries unless they serve in an administrative role.
Many people will argue that teachers picked their profession and they know what they what salary comes with their career choice. This is true, teachers are not blindsided by their monthly paychecks. However, as politicians are increasing their annual salaries many teachers across the country are either seeing the year after year with no raise or are facing cuts each year.
I am surrounded by teachers in my life. Many of my friends growing up became teachers. A few of my friends have been or are teachers currently. My aunt was even a teacher for many years who recently just retired. I would say none of the teachers that I know are selfish. In fact, they probably care for the children to a fault. The people that I know come in early, stay late, bring home work. And most of all, when the school districts can't afford supplies for the children in their classes they pay out of pocket expenses without being reimbursed.
And it isn't just the pay that is the problem. Increasing teachers are not given the creative license to teach. Many times politicians are creating laws and rules to govern classrooms without actually seeing the problems that teachers and students face in the classroom. If they did they would realize that teaching kids to pass tests is not an answer. Changing programs year after year cannot accurately determine success. Each year I hear of the increasing problems with children. As parents rely on teachers more and more to be their secondary parents and babysitters the children are suffering as a result.
All in all, teachers have to endure many struggles in order to raise your children without so much of a thank you. So no, I do not think that teacher's are being selfish when they strike. In fact, maybe if they were to strike more often that people would really start to pay attention. If teachers were more well respected maybe everyone would see that they have a right to happiness and fairness just like every other profession. So Chicago Teacher's I salute you!
Teachers have one of the the most underpaid jobs in the country. Teachers have such an important role. A role that is often belittled and and undervalued in this country. No longer is a child saying that they want to become a teacher a career path that is met with awe of parents and friends. Teachers really have a thankless job and their salaries are a reflection of that. I have often looked at the salary of professional and even college sports teams in paltry comparison. Teachers definitely are not paid in proportional to their work. Even with multiple degrees teachers cannot expect big salaries unless they serve in an administrative role.
Many people will argue that teachers picked their profession and they know what they what salary comes with their career choice. This is true, teachers are not blindsided by their monthly paychecks. However, as politicians are increasing their annual salaries many teachers across the country are either seeing the year after year with no raise or are facing cuts each year.
I am surrounded by teachers in my life. Many of my friends growing up became teachers. A few of my friends have been or are teachers currently. My aunt was even a teacher for many years who recently just retired. I would say none of the teachers that I know are selfish. In fact, they probably care for the children to a fault. The people that I know come in early, stay late, bring home work. And most of all, when the school districts can't afford supplies for the children in their classes they pay out of pocket expenses without being reimbursed.
And it isn't just the pay that is the problem. Increasing teachers are not given the creative license to teach. Many times politicians are creating laws and rules to govern classrooms without actually seeing the problems that teachers and students face in the classroom. If they did they would realize that teaching kids to pass tests is not an answer. Changing programs year after year cannot accurately determine success. Each year I hear of the increasing problems with children. As parents rely on teachers more and more to be their secondary parents and babysitters the children are suffering as a result.
All in all, teachers have to endure many struggles in order to raise your children without so much of a thank you. So no, I do not think that teacher's are being selfish when they strike. In fact, maybe if they were to strike more often that people would really start to pay attention. If teachers were more well respected maybe everyone would see that they have a right to happiness and fairness just like every other profession. So Chicago Teacher's I salute you!
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Let's serve together!
Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.
It is amazing how God can align certain events in your life. Perhaps when you look at each occurrence individually you may not be able to see the impact, but when you combine all of these hints that God gave you maybe even for a flash you understand what God is trying to say to you.
I am on Day 30 of reading The Purpose Driven Life. Throughout this journey I have realized more and more that my purpose involves service. This is not a surprise to me, but it confirms something in me that I think I tried to ignore. Well I shouldn't say ignore. For as long as I remembered I thought that my purpose in life was to help people. I guess I became discouraged when I felt as if I was the person that now needed help. I kind of questioned everything that I had believed.
In law school I always was public interest focused, even to a fault. I thought that I would never become a corporate attorney. I had the mentality that it didn't matter how much money I made as long as I was doing what I was supposed to do. But when times got tight and I no longer had that salary coming in my mentality changed. I subconsciously thought that my worth and value were based on having a job. And if I didn't have a job then I wasn't helping people. If I wasn't helping people then I wasn't serving my purpose. The truth is you can help people and serve your purpose without it being related to you job.
In actuality it is not a job that I want anyone. NO NO NO I don't want to be a Housewife of Maryland. I was watching a stand up show from Chris Rock (NSFW) that he did back in 2008 and I think he phrased it perfectly. He said he had a career not a job. He said, " There ain't enough time when you got a career. When you got a job, there's too much time". I want to have a career that doesn't feel like I am working because I enjoy what I am doing.
I have digressed a little. My whole purpose of this post is to talk about serving. I have known for awhile that I need to get back into serving. I volunteer at soup kitchens here and there, maybe at the church once or twice, and maybe sometimes I help my friend at her daughter's school. But I need to do more.
I think part of the problem is that have the mentality that it has to be big to make a difference. Yesterday, I saw a homeless man in front of a restaurant as I was getting my mom's dinner. I could tell from his appearance that he was homeless. He asked me how the food was and I told him that I would bring him a menu, but he said he didn't have any money. Now me, I know for the next few weeks I will be scraping by on the money front. But I thought it was more important to give what little money I had. So I bought him a sandwich. He said he didn't ask for which is true, but he took it all the same. And I felt good about it.
Now today the pastor rolled out the new theme for the year. It is "Love Out Loud." But really he told us repeatedly that he was kicking out of the church. No, not literally. He wants to us to get out and serve the community. I left church ready to sign up and volunteer for something, anything.
But all of this was confirmed when I read The Purpose Driven Life passage for today. Guess what the theme was? Service! I feel like God is telling me that I need to be serving others right now, no matter what the capacity. It is time that I stop making excuses and get out there. Who's with me?
Friday, September 7, 2012
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Maybe because of my lack of sleep from the week or my usual stress I decided that today I needed to see a movie that would make me cry. I picked Beasts of the Southern Wild. I picked a winner because I cried the ENTIRE time.
Without giving too much away, we view the movie in the eyes of a little black girl probably around 6 years old named Hushpuppy. Hushpuppy lives in a town in Louisiana that is very near the levees. She is also being raised by her father who from all appearances is an alcoholic. A big storm comes flooding their town, and those that are left band together to survive.
So many of the themes of the movie struck a nerve with me. I was in Louisiana during Hurricane Katrina. I remember being glued to the tv for hours feeling so helpless that I could not be of more help to others that were just an hour away from me. Having Hurricane Isaac hit this same community on the anniversary of Katrina, the feelings and thoughts are still so fresh in our memories. I felt sympathy with the the issues of the absence of a parent and death. I was struck by the sense of community within an area that was mostly ignored. And most of all it reminds me that strength can come at any age and that we are strong enough to endure many things.
I think I needed to see this movie today to remind me that I am still here and that I need to keep carrying on. I might feel like my situation is bleak and there is no end in sight, but there is hope. The importance of this movie was to remind me of my past but propel me into my future for helping others and continuing in service to others.
I know it is a little film that you probably never have heard of before, but please take the time to check this one out. I guarantee that it will have an impact on you.
Without giving too much away, we view the movie in the eyes of a little black girl probably around 6 years old named Hushpuppy. Hushpuppy lives in a town in Louisiana that is very near the levees. She is also being raised by her father who from all appearances is an alcoholic. A big storm comes flooding their town, and those that are left band together to survive.
So many of the themes of the movie struck a nerve with me. I was in Louisiana during Hurricane Katrina. I remember being glued to the tv for hours feeling so helpless that I could not be of more help to others that were just an hour away from me. Having Hurricane Isaac hit this same community on the anniversary of Katrina, the feelings and thoughts are still so fresh in our memories. I felt sympathy with the the issues of the absence of a parent and death. I was struck by the sense of community within an area that was mostly ignored. And most of all it reminds me that strength can come at any age and that we are strong enough to endure many things.
I think I needed to see this movie today to remind me that I am still here and that I need to keep carrying on. I might feel like my situation is bleak and there is no end in sight, but there is hope. The importance of this movie was to remind me of my past but propel me into my future for helping others and continuing in service to others.
I know it is a little film that you probably never have heard of before, but please take the time to check this one out. I guarantee that it will have an impact on you.
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