Thinking About my Dad

This post was actually going to be in my journal.  I go back and forth between my journal and posting on here.  I don't want to tire you all out with my thoughts :)  Before I began writing in my journal I had thoughts about how exciting it is to work on finding my purpose.  Everyday, I look forward to reading my books and everyday I feel closer to figuring it all out.  It provides with a bit of peace of mind in a day full of jumbled thoughts and emotions.  My journal has been addressed to God for the past few years.  I kind of call it my prayer journal.  So today I went to write the date and I realized that my Dad would have turned 56 today.

I briefly wrote about my Dad in one of the first few posts.  I don't really talk about him that much either, not because it brings me a lot of pain, but I just don't.  My Dad died of cancer when I was in high school.  Although it happened quickly in the end he had had cancer on and off for the past few years of his life.   Thinking back I was probably closer to my Dad than I was to my Mom.  My Dad was kind of quiet and funny and had a dry sense of humor that I picked up.  He was smart and caring and forced me to become this independent person I am today.

I find that sometimes I crave my Dad more than when I was younger.  I wish I had the insight of a parent.  I wish I could ask him questions about his childhood, about my childhood.  I wish that he could take away some of the burdens that I have.  Shoot, sometimes I wish I could just sit down and watch a movie with him or that he would let me drive the cart as he was golfing.

My Dad also did a lot for the community.  I didn't realize how much of an impact he had until he had died.  It wasn't until I had an epiphany a few years later that my Dad planted a seed in me to continue his work in the community.  That is the source of my foundation, and maybe the source of my frustration.  Because if I am supposed to hold the torch for my father's legacy I feel that at this moment I am letting him down.  Everyone says that my Dad is looking down on me and his proud of my accomplishments.  And sometimes I have dreams about him that make me feel that his presence is never too far away.  And maybe this will provide me comfort in thinking that maybe he did witness my graduations from high school, college, and law school.  And maybe he was there for my first heartbreak.  And perhaps he sees me struggling now to take care of my mom and he thinks that I am doing a good job.  And maybe just maybe he already knows what my mission is and that whatever it is that I am going to excel.  Because of any of these things are true maybe my journey with all of its pleasure and pain is worth it.

I love you Dad!