Midpoint Check In

Today is June 30, the last day of June.  June/July kind of strike a midway point to the year.  I think going into July it would be a good time for me to reflect on the year so far and maybe adjust some goals in the past.

GOOD:

To begin with I think my relationship with my mother has improved.  Although she drives me nuts A LOT, I think that our relationship has grown.  I have tried to incorporate her more in activities that I do with my friends.  I guess it is killing two birds with one stone that way.  My friends don't seem to mind having girl time with "Miss Bonnie" so I appreciate that.  I can only hope that our relationship continues to grow from here.

I have been working pretty consistently.  That also means that I am getting more control over my finances.  No more do I have to duck calls from unknown numbers, or known numbers for that matter.  Even in the few instances when I am not working it seems like I have been staying pretty busy.

My social life has remained active.  I have been hanging out with my friends regularly.  I have even gone on a few dates, of course nothing has panned out.  However, I have been putting myself out there.  In that regard, I also officially officially stopped communicating with my ex.  I even decided not to contact him on his birthday.  To you it might seem like a small feat, but for me it is a big deal.

I have been getting along with my family better.  I think it is partially because I am working more.  That means that I am home less.  I just try to stay out of the confrontation zone and it seems to be working out pretty well.  I even took a big step towards the healing process by making my family dinner to eat for when they arrived home from their family vacation.  They seemed to appreciate it so that made me happy.

BAD

While my health routines started off the year pretty well, I have hit a downward spiral.  I have not going to been going to the gym for the past few weeks.  As far as eating goes, it has been no holding back.  Anything and everything has touched my lips the past few weeks.  The scale is slowly reaping the rewards :(

Spiritually this started off on a good note.  I still go to church regularly.  But at some point I started my quest to start reading the bible.  I have not joined the church yet, even though I have been taking about that for months.  Also, I have not looked into doing further ministry work.

While I have been working consistently my job search has dwindled.  Blame it on the long hours, blame it on the busy schedule, either way I have not been doing a great job.  I have gotten no more interviews recently, just rejection letters, boo!

I think I haven't done enough to pamper myself.  I did get my hair done a few weeks before, but that is not enough.  I am need for a mani/pedi, a massage, and some new clothes.  At least one of those will be happening soon (I hope).

GOAL FOR THE SECOND HALF OF THE YEAR:

I want to start off July by focusing back on myself and the things that really matter to me.  I have decided that I am going to get back to my normal health and fitness routines.  Therefore today is like the last supper for me, and that means it is involving crabs!

I am going to re-focus on my job search.  If there was one thing thing that I learned I am definitely ready for my own place.  If I get my own place I need steady income.  Therefore, it is really time to get this job search into high gear.

I also want to get back into doing things that make me happy, even if that means doing it alone, even it means that other people have to wait.  The other day I went to a wine bar by myself to blow off some steam, and I had a great time.  I love to read and sit by the pool, and I have not done this year.  I think that I really need to schedule in the time to do things that make me happy and stop feeling bad for doing it.

So what is on your list?

Note from Mom

The picture above is the note that my Mom left for me a few days ago.  It reads: "Please don't feel that you need to find someone.  A person will come around in the future.  You are the person someone is looking for..."

Normally I hate my mom's notes.  Usually they are written on random sheets of scrap paper and placed in even more random places such as the bathroom or on top of a pile of unfolded clothes.  Her notes, when I can even understand them, usually ask me to buy her lottery numbers.  I discard these notes promptly.

But this note was different.  It almost made me cry actually.  The description reminds me of a patient who one day has a lucid moment.  With one powerful note my mother became the mom I always so desperately wanted and so desperately needed.  It's a moment that I haven't had in a long time and probably won't have  for awhile.  And it couldn't come at a more perfect time.

For the past few days, weeks, months, hell this past year, I have felt like I'm in the lower part of the life curve.  I wrote about it not too long ago.  Everyone is married (even married a second time) and on their first, second, or third child.  Me, I live at my aunt and uncle's house with my mom.  No house, no marriage, no prospects in sight.  If life were the public school system I would either have been in special ed or I would have been held back a couple of times.  My relationship growth is majorly stunted.

Needless to say, I have been a little down about my singledom.  But mom sent me the reminded me what I tell my friends all the time.  We should not compare ourselves to others.  And that things happen on God's time, not my own.  I guess many sometimes I just need to hear it from someone else.

Online Convos

I opened my re-experiment on online dating a few weeks ago.  I am ready to give up again.

My first date the guy was nice, however, it looked like he had never flossed, ever.  The second guy was nice, kinda cute, but was so into watching the NBA finals game that he could have went out by himself.  I had a date scheduled last week, never heard back from the guy.  Then I had another date last week.  It started off promising. The guy seemed nice.  We went to the movies , not the best first date but seeing the Man of Steel on opening day was fun.  All was good until he found out he had to drive to Virginia to help his cousin move.  The dude was so mad that he barely said good bye.  I have one more prospect.  Not sure that it is going well.

Before I shut down my online dating again, I want to leave you with some of the best of the worst messages I have received.  Enjoy.

Him:  Hi how are you? I just wanted to know if I may borrow some of your time to talk with you with the hopes of getting to know you better? So if you're interested I hope to hear from you soon. Til then take care.

Me:  I'm good how are you. You know you can't borrow time. How are you going to give it back to me lol. It like borrowing a tissue

Him: Well see with time is like everything else. What you borrow you return in an equal quantity from a different source in this case just as you would with a tissue. It's more like a loan LOL.

Me:  You know a loan is the same as borrowing...

Person Number 2:  Howw yew feell aboutt thee samee signn I'm ann august 31 virgo

Person Number 3: I have had a few family issues with my cousin. I have trying to save him from going to jail.

Oh yeah. He has the nastiest attitude next to mine when he's angry about something. He went to bike week, and someone tried to break in his house. It's one of his neighbors.
So since they are watching him. The plan is to make it seem as if he's going back out of town to set there ass up. Together not to make it seem like a ba
d ass, but it is what it is. We aren't the type of guys to mess with real simple!
It's ok. We been a team for a long time, and I need him

Not Yet an Adult

I was having some deep thinking while I was in the car the other day.   Actually since my radio stopped working I do a lot of that these days.  Anyway, I started thinking that at 31 almost 32 I still don't really feel like adult.

Allow me to elaborate.  I feel like I am in this middle phase dilemma.  Both my parents were sick while I was in middle school.  That combined with being a very mature only child I have always felt as if my childhood was stunted.  I had to deal with a lot of things at a young age that many other people don't deal with way into their adulthood.  I was propelled into a young maturity.  Yet I still don't feel like I am fully an adult.

Yes I am a grown adult.  I have grown up bills.  I have to make grown up decisions everyday.  And by my age I am very grown.  But I look at my friends who are getting married, buying houses, and having children and compared to them I feel like I am behind.  Now it is not like I have never lived on my own.  I have for several years (and I actually miss it).  But sometimes living with family makes me feel like a child.  And yes I am grateful to have a family who helps me and my mother and I am blessed to have a roof over my head but I just feel kind of stuck in life.

I miss my alone time.  As an only child I had lots of it.  When I was living on my own I enjoyed being able to come home and dance around naked if I wanted.  I really miss cooking while listening to music with a glass of wine in tow.  Sometimes I even miss those rare opportunities when I feel like cleaning for the day.

Is it all just me not having my own place or is it something more than that?

The Clock is Ticking

No I am not referring to my biological clock.  If you know me you know that I don't want to have kids.  Although over the past few months I have been softening on the idea, but I would not feel like my life wasn't complete if I don't have kids.

Anyway, I have digressed.  The clock to which I am referring is the marriage clock.  I am starting to get scared.  In a few months I will be turning 32 and I feel like I am going to die an old maid.  I have been single for over a year with no true prospects in sight.  I know what you are thinking.  I am young.  I have plenty of time.  I don't want kids so what is the rush? All of this is easily said from my friends who are in a relationship, engaged, married and have kids. Facebook it like one big advertisement for the fact that my love life is not progressing.

I feel that the older I get the dating pool gets smaller.  I definitely believe in waiting for the right person.  My faith is definitely shaken from each terrible date and horrible ex experience.  It really makes me wonder if I should accept the fact that there might not be someone for everyone.

As much as I wanted to get married I am also terrified.  There are so many shows on tv about the struggles with marriage.  Marriage Bootcamp, Bridezillas, Couples' Therapy, The First Year, you name it there is a show for it.  Even despite its ending watching Hope Springs made me shaky about the concept of marriage.  Plus I have numerous friends that have been divorced or on their way.  It just makes me nervous about the future holds.

I know I am not supposed to compare myself to others, but that is easily said.  All I really want is to be happy and for someone else to realize how awesome I am besides me.  Is that too much to ask?

Online loving

Last week I decided to give online dating another temporary chance.  I figured it couldn't hurt to try for a week or so.  I re-opened my account on OkCupid and this time I also am trying Plenty of Fish.  The results have been interesting.

OkCupid has yielded very little responses.  However, on POF the responses have been overwhelming.  I have so many messages it is hard for me to keep up.  It is also hard for me to widdle down the pack because  for every time I respond to a message I am getting new people contacting me in return.  I am not saying this to brag, I am just amazed.

The quality of men is also interesting.  The age, level of education, and looks of the men have varied.  In fact in an effort to prevent some guys from contacting me I have the following profile:

For those of you who might not want to read all the way through here is a brief summary:

I think that I am awesome.  I am beautiful, smart, and compassionate.  I also try to be fairly straight forward.  I have high expectations for myself, and therefore high expectations of my circle of friends.  This being said, I know that college is not for everyone so that is not a big deal for me.  However, you must be able to keep up a conversation with me.  This means if you are going to send me a message please use complete sentences and correct grammar.  I am not saying that I am English major, but it is a major turn off for me (and many other women) when I see these errors.

Also, please do not BS me.  If you are just looking for a good time girl I am not your woman.  Yes, I like to have fun but I am not looking for some sort of intimate encounter.  Also on that note, I don't appreciate lying.  We are all adults right?  Let's treat each other respect.  Just be open and honest and I will do the same.

Finally,  NO I am not a man hater.  I love men.  I have many male friends who I think are great people.  I am looking for some other great men out there and I know you are out there.  Trust me there are good, genuine woman out there because I am one of them, you just have to get past my feisty exterior ;)

*** Update I actually scraped all of this earlier today.  I decided to just go for a simpler approach and see what happens.

Even with this profile, I still get those men who abbreviate each word and use no punctuation.  Also which I find more disturbing, I have seen more than one guy who spell their own professions incorrectly.  I mean if you are a paramedic I think that you should know who to spell it right?

And then you get those guys who hit you up looking for no commitment and casual dating.  I don't even know why they bother with me.  In fact I don't know why they bother in general.  I wonder how many women are actually ok with that.  My friend thinks that there is a communication issue between women and men.  She thinks that men sometimes say one thing and mean another and don't see it as a problem.  I don't know if I agree.

I went on my first date last week.  We talked on the phone a few times and texted.  We met at Starbucks.  He seemed like a nice guy with an interesting background.  All was good until I saw his teeth.  It looked like he had popcorn stuck in his teeth from 1999.  After I noticed that I knew that it would never be lol.

But I have some other prospects so I shall keep you posted.  In the very least I am sure I will have some funny stories.