Love Roller Coaster

I was in like with a man.  Ok I am still in like with a man.  As a result I have been a on a love roller coaster.  It is a love roller coaster a majority of which was self-imposed.  And while I have been on this roller coaster I lost myself, but today I am getting off of this ride.  Today I am regaining that woman I let go of for the past few weeks.

I have been dating this guy for almost two months.  You may remember I wrote about him a few posts ago. When we met there was this instant connection.  When we were together there was an unquestionable chemisty.  The first month I was riding high on a cloud of happiness and joy.  For the first time, in a long time, I thought that I might have found someone that I could spend my life with.  Yes I know it was a little too soon to predict that, but sometimes you have these feelings that you can't explain.  I had it.  And I had it bad.

Month two has been a downward spiral.  I went from being this vibrant, strong, dynamic woman to being this woman I am kind of embarrassed of.  My friends told me this.  I knew, yet I couldn't stop.  I was on a one-way ticket to Crazytown.  Suddenly my thoughts were revolving around the actions of a man.  My mood was determined on a man.  My daily happiness was dependent on a man.  A man.  A MAN.  As if any man should have that kind of power of me.  I was waiting by the phone to hear from him.  I was holding my breath every time I texted him.  I held back the things I wanted to say.  I did all of this in the hopes that he would realize that I am the one for him.  And in the end I think when I lost myself, I lost him too.

But I also must confess my roller coaster was not just him.  A few months ago I took a test that confirmed what I already subconsciously knew.  I am a girl who needs her downtime.  I need some good old fashioned by myself, doing what I want, not speaking with anyone for hours, alone time.  And for a long time I felt guilty about that until I realized that if I don't take the time to have some quality alone time I will be imbalanced.  Well yesterday it hit me.  I haven't had my alone time in a couple of months.  Trying to balance work, family, friends, the guy I am dating, and all my extra-curricular activities I was running on E, shoot I was skating by on fumes.  As a result, I have not been myself.  Couple that with my own insecurities and dating someone that pricks those feelings is a molotov of disaster.

Today is my fresh start.  Today I decided that I was no longer going to be a shell of my former self.  It's back to the basics.  I am am re-focusing my energy on myself.  Because in the end I am the most important person in my life.  It is past due time for me to start acting like it.  So I told the guy all of this.  Granted, it was in an extremely long text.  I didn't want to go another day with all this bubbling up in my chest.  And I am not giving up complete hope that that we can make it, but for now I am letting go. I am jumping off of this roller coaster mid-ride.   I am not going to wait around for someone to pick me.  I am picking myself.

Crazy Girl Syndrome

I have a disease.  It is called crazy girl syndrome.  Maybe you have heard of it?  It is that thing where you are dating someone, it's going well, and then all of a sudden you freak out and create problems that aren't really problems.  Does anyone else have this issue?

For the past few months I had been on a dating hiatus.  After the last guy I dated I figured that I needed a break from dating.  In fact the last few people didn't work out and I felt that I saw the signs and chose to ignore them.  As a result, I decided to step out of the dating game.  I focused on myself and other things and didn't deal with the drama that comes with dating.

That was until I met this new guy.  He is like a breath of fresh air.  He is sweet, funny, intelligent, and super handsome.  His spirit is as attractive as his physique.  He is a guy that makes me smile.  We can talk for hours about anything and everything.  He is a man that is a good father. I wouldn't say that he completes me, because I don't think that it takes a man to make you whole.  But he inspires me to do better and be better.  We are compliments of each other.

But then that crazy girl syndrome thing kicks in.  Suddenly his non-response from a text has gotten me acting all kinds of dumb.  I got paranoid.  I assumed the worst, I mean I am a realist/worst-case scenario kind of person.  So I immediately think that I have done something wrong because heaven forbid that he could actually be busy.  But after a few days of his silence I realized that I have all these insecurities that are bubbling up to the surface.  I realized that in some of my past relationships that I was so scared of doing/saying the wrong thing or not being the annoying/clingy girl that I actually become a self-fulling prophecy.  

I hope that we can get past this snafu.  That he will remember all of the good in me, as I remember in him.  I hope that this is a lesson learned rather than a goodbye.  I take partial responsibility but not all.  I think relationships are about communication, openness, and honesty. All things that we said we would practice. But alas nothing is promised, nothing is guaranteed.

I wish I was that cool girl.  That girl who let's things slide.  The girl that doesn't worry.  The girl who doesn't overthink.  That girl who doesn't assume the worst when her man doesn't call her back.  I wish my thoughts didn't play like a record on repeat in my head.  But I am just not that girl.  I hope that I won't always be.  I hope that in the future when this happens I won't let it get to me, that I won't create a problem that isn't there.  In the meantime, I am going to work on myself and strive to get this crazy-girl syndrome out of my system.  I just hope that I don't have to go at it alone.

Love and Be Loved

A few weeks ago I noticed there were new pictures on my phone.  Well they weren't new pictures exactly they are old pictures from a few years ago.   But they are new to the phone as I did not take them or download them myself.  I guess it is something with the IPhone and that whole cloud business that I still don't quite understand.  Regardless, they are on my phone until I figure out how to get rid of them.

The downside of old pictures are old memories.  Mixed in with my crazy selfies and group pictures of the girls are pictures of me and my ex.  Yes, THAT ex.  The ex I thought who I was going to marry.  I can remember each picture for where we were and how I was feeling when I took it.  Each time I was so happy and in love and I was with someone who I knew loved me too, well at least that is what I thought at the time.
Seeing the pictures of my ex and I in our happy times actually makes me sad.  It makes me sad because I was so in love and now, I'm not.  Don't worry, don't worry I am definitely not going to regress and contact him. Even though he has started to confront me in my dreams, I know that it is best that we remain apart with no contact.

But it still doesn't change this feeling.  I want to be in in love and to be loved.  I want someone who feels the same way about me as I do about them.  I want a man by myself who truly feels that I am awesome and accepts the good, the bad, and the ugly things about me.  I want a relationship that is easy, but can be challenging for the right reasons.  I want someone who can make me a better person while I encourage them to be their best.  I want a partner in crime and I partner in life.  I need someone who I can talk to about the Real Housewives of Atlanta but I can also talk to them about the awesome service I heard at church.  I want all of this and more.  And I think to a varying degree that's what most people want.

The other day my friend called the last guy who I dated a "placeholder."  A placeholder being a person who fills a space for a temporary time.  It may have been taken a back at first, but I knew she was right.  I might have even known very soon in our almost three month failed courtship that he was never going to be someone who I was with permanently.  And because of this, because he was my placeholder, there was really never a right fit for him in my life.  I was unhappy for three months because I let someone in who was never meant to fill that place in my heart.

But I am getting older.  I don't want anymore placeholders.  I want someone who is going to hold a permanent place in my heart.  And I in return want to be someone's eternal placeholder.  I suppose the time has come for me to be ok with passing up on the false sense of comfort that I feel with a placeholder.  I need to feel ok with being lonely sometimes.  Because if I am faithful I know that the right person will be here soon and when he does I will feel love and be loved.

The Exotic Chick

Grammy Awards 2014 (E! Online)

That is Kevin Hart and his girlfriend Enkio at the Grammys last night.  I saw them on the pre-awards red carpet and I thought that they both looked amazing.  This morning, I was reading an excerpt about Kevin Hart in the February 2014 edition of Upscale Magazine.  In this article Kevin talks about how black women hate on him and his new relationship for many reasons, one of them being that his girlfriend Eniko, looks "exotic".  In actuality, he points out that she is Jamaican.  For a few months I have wanted to talk about the "Exotic Chick" syndrome that many black men, well really men in general seem to have.  But today I write from a different perspective, a woman who sometimes is grouped into that very same category that I complain about.

Until today I would have complained about men wanting an "exotic chick".  To my readers who might not understand what an "exotic chick" is I went to Urban Dictionary for a definition:

exotic 

being from asia, south america, caribbean, mediterranean, persia, arabia, etc... basically, anyone with tan skin, black shiny hair, big lushious lips, can dance and gyrate, curvy and smart. Exotic people have mysterious, alluring and sensual eyes. ALL will surrender to those eyes when an exotic girl permits a guy she likes to catch a glance of them.

It is hard for me.  As a follower of Christ I believe in love and that everyone should have love regardless of what you look like.  But the black woman in me has issues, and I know it's not right.  I just have not gotten over that reaction of feeling passed over every time I see a powerful black man with a non-black woman on her side.  The fact that another black man doesn't want an equally powerful black woman by his side can be irking.  

However today I had a realization.  To some people I am that exotic chick.  Let me describe myself.  I am black.  Both of my parents are black.  My mom has very light skinned, to the point where I thought that if she was light skinned I had to be mocha, but alas I am not.  My father, was dark skinned maybe considered brown by cultural standards.  Me, I'm light skinned I suppose caramel in color.  I have long curly hair.  Most of the time people assumed that I am mixed.  I am asked where I am from and I am never sure if they mean state or the country where my ancestors are from so I usually just go with Maryland to be on the safe side.  I have been mistaken for Latina, Ethiopian, Dominican, and even Indian.  My cousin told me once that I could be mistaken for an exotic chick myself, and it wasn't until today that I actually believed it.

Here is the thing, why do I have to be anything?  Why can't I just be me?  I mean what if I am "exotic"?  Does that mean not that I should not be able to date who I want?  Does that mean I should only date someone who looks exactly like me?  Am I not entitled to my own happiness?  Sure some men might have their fantasies about being with someone that looks like me but that is not my fault.  I certainly do not go around boasting about my hair and my skin, despite the fact that at least weekly someone else will remind me of it.  And why is that ok by the way?  Why is it ok for everyone to tell me I am light skinned and I have long hair or "good hair" while the reverse comments would be social exile?  I know the history of the stigma with people of dark skinned complexion, but their is also a long history of stigma with light skinned black women as well, but I digress...

So I am not trying to change anyone's mind today.  All I really want is some understanding and compassion.  God wants us to love everyone because he loves each of us despite our flaws.  So no matter how you look you should love and receive love.  Let's just keep it at that.  Kevin love who you want and I will too!

Dating Part 1

I really almost called this part two because it is a continuation from the last post, but I will just call it part 1 for now.  I am sure that there will be many parts to come lol.

So a few days ago (Wednesday), I get a really nice text message from an unknown number.  It said something to the effect of, "I was just thinking about you.  I hope your day is as beautiful as you."  My reply, "Thanks, who is this?".

So a little back story...I am a number deleter.  I will delete numbers quickly and frequently.  In my mind it is an out of sight out of mind thing.  Meaning, that if I don't have that person's number in my phone then I don't think about them and I won't contact them.  I am the kind of person that will contact just about anyone to pass the time.  As I get older, I have realized that not everyone is entitled to my attention.

Back to the story... He told me his name.  I had kind of guessed it was him.  He then proceeds to ask me when we could hang out so said Saturday.  He ended the text conversation by saying that he would call me later that evening about our plans.  So the time is 4:38 pm on Saturday.  Of course this fool never called me nor have I heard from him since Wednesday.  And I had the feeling he was going to be sketchy anyway, hence why I had deleted his number in the first place.  But why am annoyed?  I had met this guy once and he was ok.  I can't say that I was particularly attracted to him, but he seemed like a nice enough guy.  My friend had a really good point when she said that I shouldn't bother with people I am not interested in just because I am bored.

And maybe, just maybe, God really does want me to be single. I mean every guy that is a potential prospect is being pushed out of my life one way or the other.  I guess it is time to listen...

Single is as single does

I'm single.  I mean completely, no potential suitors single.  Am I ok with this?  Kind of?  What do I mean?  To think about it I have been single most of my life.  In the past few years I only really started dating.  Yes, I am a late bloomer, but I don't think that that makes me any better or worse of a person.  I just got out of a two year on and off relationship a few months ago.  Each day gets a little bit better, but it is a a lot harder to deal with than I expected.  I miss that sense of companionship I miss the laughs that we used to share.  Fortunately, anytime I start getting sentimental I become angry.  I am angry at him for not appreciating me, for not fighting for me when times were difficult, for taking the easy out when times were hard.  I am mad at myself for overlooking so many red flags and trying to make him "the one" when he wasn't.

So now I am single and my perspective on love and dating has changed significantly from two years ago.  Now I realize some things that are deal breakers.  Now I pretty much know if someone is for me or not when I first meet them.  I know what I want and don't want and I am ok waiting for it.

But dating is so frustrating!  I keep having the same conversations with my friends about men.  Mainly, that women have put up for with less than they deserve for quite sometime.  We require very little from men just so that we have someone that we can call "ours".  We substitute "hanging out" for a proper date.  In the name of feminism we open our own doors and walk on the side of the street where we could be pushed into oncoming traffic.  What happened to us?  And how do we get back to old-fashioned courting?  That's what I want.  Do you know I have never gotten flowers on a date?  I would love a guy to plan a date that required some listening to my preferences as opposed to him saying "what do you want to do".

Back to me being ok with being single.  I am.  I have faith that the right person is out there for me.  The past few days I have been free from several distractions which has made me do a lot of reflecting.  My reflection time allowed me to really starting pursing my purpose driven life.  So right now that is my focus.  I feel that I need to deal with me and the the aspects of my life before I can even get a relationship.  This is where I stand... at least for now :)

Oh and check this out:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igCj3jsbcqs&feature=youtube_gdata_player