Love Roller Coaster

I was in like with a man.  Ok I am still in like with a man.  As a result I have been a on a love roller coaster.  It is a love roller coaster a majority of which was self-imposed.  And while I have been on this roller coaster I lost myself, but today I am getting off of this ride.  Today I am regaining that woman I let go of for the past few weeks.

I have been dating this guy for almost two months.  You may remember I wrote about him a few posts ago. When we met there was this instant connection.  When we were together there was an unquestionable chemisty.  The first month I was riding high on a cloud of happiness and joy.  For the first time, in a long time, I thought that I might have found someone that I could spend my life with.  Yes I know it was a little too soon to predict that, but sometimes you have these feelings that you can't explain.  I had it.  And I had it bad.

Month two has been a downward spiral.  I went from being this vibrant, strong, dynamic woman to being this woman I am kind of embarrassed of.  My friends told me this.  I knew, yet I couldn't stop.  I was on a one-way ticket to Crazytown.  Suddenly my thoughts were revolving around the actions of a man.  My mood was determined on a man.  My daily happiness was dependent on a man.  A man.  A MAN.  As if any man should have that kind of power of me.  I was waiting by the phone to hear from him.  I was holding my breath every time I texted him.  I held back the things I wanted to say.  I did all of this in the hopes that he would realize that I am the one for him.  And in the end I think when I lost myself, I lost him too.

But I also must confess my roller coaster was not just him.  A few months ago I took a test that confirmed what I already subconsciously knew.  I am a girl who needs her downtime.  I need some good old fashioned by myself, doing what I want, not speaking with anyone for hours, alone time.  And for a long time I felt guilty about that until I realized that if I don't take the time to have some quality alone time I will be imbalanced.  Well yesterday it hit me.  I haven't had my alone time in a couple of months.  Trying to balance work, family, friends, the guy I am dating, and all my extra-curricular activities I was running on E, shoot I was skating by on fumes.  As a result, I have not been myself.  Couple that with my own insecurities and dating someone that pricks those feelings is a molotov of disaster.

Today is my fresh start.  Today I decided that I was no longer going to be a shell of my former self.  It's back to the basics.  I am am re-focusing my energy on myself.  Because in the end I am the most important person in my life.  It is past due time for me to start acting like it.  So I told the guy all of this.  Granted, it was in an extremely long text.  I didn't want to go another day with all this bubbling up in my chest.  And I am not giving up complete hope that that we can make it, but for now I am letting go. I am jumping off of this roller coaster mid-ride.   I am not going to wait around for someone to pick me.  I am picking myself.

Love and Be Loved

A few weeks ago I noticed there were new pictures on my phone.  Well they weren't new pictures exactly they are old pictures from a few years ago.   But they are new to the phone as I did not take them or download them myself.  I guess it is something with the IPhone and that whole cloud business that I still don't quite understand.  Regardless, they are on my phone until I figure out how to get rid of them.

The downside of old pictures are old memories.  Mixed in with my crazy selfies and group pictures of the girls are pictures of me and my ex.  Yes, THAT ex.  The ex I thought who I was going to marry.  I can remember each picture for where we were and how I was feeling when I took it.  Each time I was so happy and in love and I was with someone who I knew loved me too, well at least that is what I thought at the time.
Seeing the pictures of my ex and I in our happy times actually makes me sad.  It makes me sad because I was so in love and now, I'm not.  Don't worry, don't worry I am definitely not going to regress and contact him. Even though he has started to confront me in my dreams, I know that it is best that we remain apart with no contact.

But it still doesn't change this feeling.  I want to be in in love and to be loved.  I want someone who feels the same way about me as I do about them.  I want a man by myself who truly feels that I am awesome and accepts the good, the bad, and the ugly things about me.  I want a relationship that is easy, but can be challenging for the right reasons.  I want someone who can make me a better person while I encourage them to be their best.  I want a partner in crime and I partner in life.  I need someone who I can talk to about the Real Housewives of Atlanta but I can also talk to them about the awesome service I heard at church.  I want all of this and more.  And I think to a varying degree that's what most people want.

The other day my friend called the last guy who I dated a "placeholder."  A placeholder being a person who fills a space for a temporary time.  It may have been taken a back at first, but I knew she was right.  I might have even known very soon in our almost three month failed courtship that he was never going to be someone who I was with permanently.  And because of this, because he was my placeholder, there was really never a right fit for him in my life.  I was unhappy for three months because I let someone in who was never meant to fill that place in my heart.

But I am getting older.  I don't want anymore placeholders.  I want someone who is going to hold a permanent place in my heart.  And I in return want to be someone's eternal placeholder.  I suppose the time has come for me to be ok with passing up on the false sense of comfort that I feel with a placeholder.  I need to feel ok with being lonely sometimes.  Because if I am faithful I know that the right person will be here soon and when he does I will feel love and be loved.