There is beauty in my brokenness. At least that is what they said at church. I sure hope that is true because lately I have felt very broken. I know I haven't been writing like I used to and for that I apologize. The truth is, I didn't want to have a blog that highlighted the fact that I feel stuck and unsatisfied post after post. I told a friend the other day that my shine is dim. I think that probably sums up my mentality at the moment.
I am not sure why I feel like this. Well correction, I know exactly why I feel like this. The question is why is different than any other time. I still am looking for jobs, I am still taking care of my mom, and I am still hoping to find love. Nothing has really changed in my life. In fact things might be a little more stable than usual, yet I have this empty feeling. I have these dark thoughts invading my brain telling me that I am not living up to my potential, that I am not trying hard enough, I am not doing my best, that I am tired of caring about others, and that I am just one big disappointment. And while some of you may think I am being hard on myself, maybe I am to some extent, but in reality I do think I could be doing more. But I think I am getting dangerously close to that point of wondering if maybe just maybe this is life. That perhaps the happiness and the struggle free life that is on tv and in the movies and apparently on Facebook and Instagram may never be my own reality. Maybe this isn't just a really long dry season but instead it is what my life is supposed to be and always will be?
The sermons at church the past few weeks have reminded me that being a follower of Christ does not guarantee that we will have an easy life. In fact, being a Christian means that we will go through pain and suffering, but it is through that time that we are becoming stronger and preparing for the future. I am not opposed to having storms in my life. I have been through many and I am glad that I did. I know my strength and my potential. But this season, this storm, just seems to be never ending. That motivation and positivity that I have always tried to keep close is fleeting. Right now I am feeling more lost than ever.
This weekend I decided to devote on working on me. Well I have done a lot of reflecting. I have shed some tears. I have had some me time. I have talked to some friends. And I have done a lot of thinking. And you know what I realized, only I can pull myself out of this funk. Only I can be the source of my motivation. Only I can choose happiness. Oh and happiness is definitely a choice my friends.
We are getting close to the end of the year. And I do not want to put off anything with the idea of starting fresh or with a clean slate. I want to go strong into 2015 with momentum for change in my life. No longer am I going to cover up my darkness. Today, I am going to use the beauty of my brokenness to find joy, to be happy, and to love just as I am supposed to.
Showing posts with label self-love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-love. Show all posts
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Friday, July 25, 2014
Love Roller Coaster
I was in like with a man. Ok I am still in like with a man. As a result I have been a on a love roller coaster. It is a love roller coaster a majority of which was self-imposed. And while I have been on this roller coaster I lost myself, but today I am getting off of this ride. Today I am regaining that woman I let go of for the past few weeks.
I have been dating this guy for almost two months. You may remember I wrote about him a few posts ago. When we met there was this instant connection. When we were together there was an unquestionable chemisty. The first month I was riding high on a cloud of happiness and joy. For the first time, in a long time, I thought that I might have found someone that I could spend my life with. Yes I know it was a little too soon to predict that, but sometimes you have these feelings that you can't explain. I had it. And I had it bad.
Month two has been a downward spiral. I went from being this vibrant, strong, dynamic woman to being this woman I am kind of embarrassed of. My friends told me this. I knew, yet I couldn't stop. I was on a one-way ticket to Crazytown. Suddenly my thoughts were revolving around the actions of a man. My mood was determined on a man. My daily happiness was dependent on a man. A man. A MAN. As if any man should have that kind of power of me. I was waiting by the phone to hear from him. I was holding my breath every time I texted him. I held back the things I wanted to say. I did all of this in the hopes that he would realize that I am the one for him. And in the end I think when I lost myself, I lost him too.
But I also must confess my roller coaster was not just him. A few months ago I took a test that confirmed what I already subconsciously knew. I am a girl who needs her downtime. I need some good old fashioned by myself, doing what I want, not speaking with anyone for hours, alone time. And for a long time I felt guilty about that until I realized that if I don't take the time to have some quality alone time I will be imbalanced. Well yesterday it hit me. I haven't had my alone time in a couple of months. Trying to balance work, family, friends, the guy I am dating, and all my extra-curricular activities I was running on E, shoot I was skating by on fumes. As a result, I have not been myself. Couple that with my own insecurities and dating someone that pricks those feelings is a molotov of disaster.
Today is my fresh start. Today I decided that I was no longer going to be a shell of my former self. It's back to the basics. I am am re-focusing my energy on myself. Because in the end I am the most important person in my life. It is past due time for me to start acting like it. So I told the guy all of this. Granted, it was in an extremely long text. I didn't want to go another day with all this bubbling up in my chest. And I am not giving up complete hope that that we can make it, but for now I am letting go. I am jumping off of this roller coaster mid-ride. I am not going to wait around for someone to pick me. I am picking myself.
I have been dating this guy for almost two months. You may remember I wrote about him a few posts ago. When we met there was this instant connection. When we were together there was an unquestionable chemisty. The first month I was riding high on a cloud of happiness and joy. For the first time, in a long time, I thought that I might have found someone that I could spend my life with. Yes I know it was a little too soon to predict that, but sometimes you have these feelings that you can't explain. I had it. And I had it bad.
Month two has been a downward spiral. I went from being this vibrant, strong, dynamic woman to being this woman I am kind of embarrassed of. My friends told me this. I knew, yet I couldn't stop. I was on a one-way ticket to Crazytown. Suddenly my thoughts were revolving around the actions of a man. My mood was determined on a man. My daily happiness was dependent on a man. A man. A MAN. As if any man should have that kind of power of me. I was waiting by the phone to hear from him. I was holding my breath every time I texted him. I held back the things I wanted to say. I did all of this in the hopes that he would realize that I am the one for him. And in the end I think when I lost myself, I lost him too.
But I also must confess my roller coaster was not just him. A few months ago I took a test that confirmed what I already subconsciously knew. I am a girl who needs her downtime. I need some good old fashioned by myself, doing what I want, not speaking with anyone for hours, alone time. And for a long time I felt guilty about that until I realized that if I don't take the time to have some quality alone time I will be imbalanced. Well yesterday it hit me. I haven't had my alone time in a couple of months. Trying to balance work, family, friends, the guy I am dating, and all my extra-curricular activities I was running on E, shoot I was skating by on fumes. As a result, I have not been myself. Couple that with my own insecurities and dating someone that pricks those feelings is a molotov of disaster.
Today is my fresh start. Today I decided that I was no longer going to be a shell of my former self. It's back to the basics. I am am re-focusing my energy on myself. Because in the end I am the most important person in my life. It is past due time for me to start acting like it. So I told the guy all of this. Granted, it was in an extremely long text. I didn't want to go another day with all this bubbling up in my chest. And I am not giving up complete hope that that we can make it, but for now I am letting go. I am jumping off of this roller coaster mid-ride. I am not going to wait around for someone to pick me. I am picking myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)