There is beauty in my brokenness. At least that is what they said at church. I sure hope that is true because lately I have felt very broken. I know I haven't been writing like I used to and for that I apologize. The truth is, I didn't want to have a blog that highlighted the fact that I feel stuck and unsatisfied post after post. I told a friend the other day that my shine is dim. I think that probably sums up my mentality at the moment.
I am not sure why I feel like this. Well correction, I know exactly why I feel like this. The question is why is different than any other time. I still am looking for jobs, I am still taking care of my mom, and I am still hoping to find love. Nothing has really changed in my life. In fact things might be a little more stable than usual, yet I have this empty feeling. I have these dark thoughts invading my brain telling me that I am not living up to my potential, that I am not trying hard enough, I am not doing my best, that I am tired of caring about others, and that I am just one big disappointment. And while some of you may think I am being hard on myself, maybe I am to some extent, but in reality I do think I could be doing more. But I think I am getting dangerously close to that point of wondering if maybe just maybe this is life. That perhaps the happiness and the struggle free life that is on tv and in the movies and apparently on Facebook and Instagram may never be my own reality. Maybe this isn't just a really long dry season but instead it is what my life is supposed to be and always will be?
The sermons at church the past few weeks have reminded me that being a follower of Christ does not guarantee that we will have an easy life. In fact, being a Christian means that we will go through pain and suffering, but it is through that time that we are becoming stronger and preparing for the future. I am not opposed to having storms in my life. I have been through many and I am glad that I did. I know my strength and my potential. But this season, this storm, just seems to be never ending. That motivation and positivity that I have always tried to keep close is fleeting. Right now I am feeling more lost than ever.
This weekend I decided to devote on working on me. Well I have done a lot of reflecting. I have shed some tears. I have had some me time. I have talked to some friends. And I have done a lot of thinking. And you know what I realized, only I can pull myself out of this funk. Only I can be the source of my motivation. Only I can choose happiness. Oh and happiness is definitely a choice my friends.
We are getting close to the end of the year. And I do not want to put off anything with the idea of starting fresh or with a clean slate. I want to go strong into 2015 with momentum for change in my life. No longer am I going to cover up my darkness. Today, I am going to use the beauty of my brokenness to find joy, to be happy, and to love just as I am supposed to.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Sunday, March 30, 2014
A Breakthrough
I did the ugly cry at church today. Sure I usually cry at least once during a service, but today I really outdid myself. Today, I was too tired to hold back my tears and I let it go. I suppose a part of me was relieved. You have no idea how hard it is to fight your body week after week. This week I let go. This week was different.
I started this blog about a year and a half ago to document my spiritual journey and whatever life has thrown at me along the way. This process has had ups and downs for sure, but up until the last few months my spiritual growth had not been where I thought it should be. For the past few months, God has been leading me on a path closer to him. Today there was a flash of the light bulb.
This year I decided I really wanted to commitment to growing closer to God. It all began with deciding to become a partner (member) of the church that I had been going to for the past few years. I believe that this decision became a catalyst forcing me to do a lot of self-reflecting and caused me become very introspective.
It has been HARD! I think I actually wrote that in my last post. Here I was walking around thinking that I was a good person, I followed the golden rule, and I always tried to do the right thing I thought surely God must think I am doing well. But then when you really dig deep down inside, when you really start paying attention to his word, I realized that I have not even scratched the surface. And that was probably the reason why I felt that my spiritual life was not growing.
Today, between the ugly cries and the back rubs from friends and the encouraging words from near strangers I realized that I am right where I need to be. I am finally on the right track toward becoming more Christ-like and in turn becoming closer to God.
But I am frustrated. To the outside world I look crazy. Shoot, I even feel crazy. My tears are neither happy nor sad, they are just there. I feel a rumbling in my soul that I cannot explain. I feel thoughts that are in the back of my mind and I am waiting for them to travel to the front. I have ups and lows that I am not sure that anyone understands. I feel like I am isolating myself from others and I can't explain why. To them I think they either think I am in one of my moods again, or I am just a plain jerk. But I do it because I need to process what is going on. I need to be still to receive all these feelings that are flooding my heart. I am changing, and it is hard, and I don't like it. Well I don't like the frustration, but I do like the change. But I reminded myself that this is what I asked for! This is what I have been wanting all of these years.
Someone told me today that God is trying to purify me and refine my soul so I can be prepared to handle what battles I face ahead. And it all kind of clicked. I have to go through this to get to the other side. And on the other side I am going to be better than I ever thought was possible. But until then, I know there will be more tears. I know there will be more feelings of discomfort. I know there will be times when I can't begin to describe what I am feeling. But it is ok because I know that I am getting closer to being who I want to be.
I started this blog about a year and a half ago to document my spiritual journey and whatever life has thrown at me along the way. This process has had ups and downs for sure, but up until the last few months my spiritual growth had not been where I thought it should be. For the past few months, God has been leading me on a path closer to him. Today there was a flash of the light bulb.
This year I decided I really wanted to commitment to growing closer to God. It all began with deciding to become a partner (member) of the church that I had been going to for the past few years. I believe that this decision became a catalyst forcing me to do a lot of self-reflecting and caused me become very introspective.
It has been HARD! I think I actually wrote that in my last post. Here I was walking around thinking that I was a good person, I followed the golden rule, and I always tried to do the right thing I thought surely God must think I am doing well. But then when you really dig deep down inside, when you really start paying attention to his word, I realized that I have not even scratched the surface. And that was probably the reason why I felt that my spiritual life was not growing.
Today, between the ugly cries and the back rubs from friends and the encouraging words from near strangers I realized that I am right where I need to be. I am finally on the right track toward becoming more Christ-like and in turn becoming closer to God.
But I am frustrated. To the outside world I look crazy. Shoot, I even feel crazy. My tears are neither happy nor sad, they are just there. I feel a rumbling in my soul that I cannot explain. I feel thoughts that are in the back of my mind and I am waiting for them to travel to the front. I have ups and lows that I am not sure that anyone understands. I feel like I am isolating myself from others and I can't explain why. To them I think they either think I am in one of my moods again, or I am just a plain jerk. But I do it because I need to process what is going on. I need to be still to receive all these feelings that are flooding my heart. I am changing, and it is hard, and I don't like it. Well I don't like the frustration, but I do like the change. But I reminded myself that this is what I asked for! This is what I have been wanting all of these years.
Someone told me today that God is trying to purify me and refine my soul so I can be prepared to handle what battles I face ahead. And it all kind of clicked. I have to go through this to get to the other side. And on the other side I am going to be better than I ever thought was possible. But until then, I know there will be more tears. I know there will be more feelings of discomfort. I know there will be times when I can't begin to describe what I am feeling. But it is ok because I know that I am getting closer to being who I want to be.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Working vs. Jobbing
Yesterday at Bridgeway Community Church we had a King deliver the message. Yeah that's right I said a KING. King Adamtey from Ghana, delivered a message asking "Are You Working or Jobbing?" He explained that work involves working for a purpose. A job is something that you do just to exist. He explained that God didn't create us just to do jobs, but to work. The message spoke directly to how I have been feeling. This message motivated me at a time when I very much needed the motivation.
The past few weeks I have been deep in reflection. I have been processing how I view myself and others view me and it has kind of been a rough process. One thing that always comes up is how not having a steady job affects other aspects of my life. Yes I am consistently balancing the funds in my bank account. And yes I keep passing on buying snow boots to make sure I pay another bill. I have to skip a few outings and a few fancy meals from time to time. But all of that is just surface level material things.
The loss of my job and the trouble of trying to find a new one definitely has taken a toll on my confidence. I now question my abilities and skills and wonder if I am really good at anything at all. I know I shouldn't think that way. I don't try to. But it is hard when you feel like the last kid left on the sidelines for a game of dodge ball. I sit back and listen to people tell stories from their jobs and about their co-workers. What stories do I have? I took a really interesting quiz from Buzzfeed? I found a great recipe on Pinterest that I will probably never make because I rarely get time alone in the kitchen?
At the end of the day it is not the actually lack of a job that bothers me the most. It is the fact that I am not fulfilling God's purpose for me. I started this whole blog trying to figure out my purpose and work on my relationship with God. I read the Purpose Driven Life and The Dream Giver to help me figure it out all. It helped and I felt motivated, for awhile. I figured out that I really wasn't too far from what I already knew, that I wanted to help people. However, with each day that I don't have a job I feel like I am helping no one and that I am letting God down. Sometimes I truly feel like God wasted his time and talent on me. Sometimes I question whether my vision of doing great things for others was a grandiose idea that I was never meant to have.
Yesterday at church I realized that I probably am disappointing God, but it is not because I don't have a job. No, I have let my relationship with God dwindle. Sure I still go to church every Sunday with my mom. I take care of my mom. I try to abide by the Golden Rule. I invite people to church. I give money to poor people. I volunteer. And now I have even begun the process to begin joining the church. However all of that is not really work. At least I don't believe it is the work to which King Adamtey was referring.
Yes, I have been doing some good acts, but it is not enough. My prayers have been inconsistent. My reading and learning of the bible has been almost non-existent. Instead of working for the Lord I realized that I was the one jobbing. In other words, I was going through the motions for the benefits but not really doing what God needs for me to do. I have been asking for blessings without putting in the work. I realized that maybe, just maybe, I have been stagnant for the past few years because my relationship with God has also been stagnant.
So today is the day I have decided that I am really going to start working for God and not just jobbing. I woke up and got on my knees and prayed. That is something big for me, I am too embarrassed to say how I usually pray. I found my guide to assist me in reading the bible. I am going to get involved with something at church where I am forced to make more than just a one time commitment. I need to figure out what God needs me to do and maybe I will figure out what I want to do. It's time to get to work!
Overall, I figured and it was also suggested by one of my cousins, that if I "stay in his face he'll elevate and stretch me." In other words by putting my work in with God, it will make other areas of my life work out too. Today I am taking my first steps to get back on track.
#HoCoFaith
The past few weeks I have been deep in reflection. I have been processing how I view myself and others view me and it has kind of been a rough process. One thing that always comes up is how not having a steady job affects other aspects of my life. Yes I am consistently balancing the funds in my bank account. And yes I keep passing on buying snow boots to make sure I pay another bill. I have to skip a few outings and a few fancy meals from time to time. But all of that is just surface level material things.
The loss of my job and the trouble of trying to find a new one definitely has taken a toll on my confidence. I now question my abilities and skills and wonder if I am really good at anything at all. I know I shouldn't think that way. I don't try to. But it is hard when you feel like the last kid left on the sidelines for a game of dodge ball. I sit back and listen to people tell stories from their jobs and about their co-workers. What stories do I have? I took a really interesting quiz from Buzzfeed? I found a great recipe on Pinterest that I will probably never make because I rarely get time alone in the kitchen?
At the end of the day it is not the actually lack of a job that bothers me the most. It is the fact that I am not fulfilling God's purpose for me. I started this whole blog trying to figure out my purpose and work on my relationship with God. I read the Purpose Driven Life and The Dream Giver to help me figure it out all. It helped and I felt motivated, for awhile. I figured out that I really wasn't too far from what I already knew, that I wanted to help people. However, with each day that I don't have a job I feel like I am helping no one and that I am letting God down. Sometimes I truly feel like God wasted his time and talent on me. Sometimes I question whether my vision of doing great things for others was a grandiose idea that I was never meant to have.
Yesterday at church I realized that I probably am disappointing God, but it is not because I don't have a job. No, I have let my relationship with God dwindle. Sure I still go to church every Sunday with my mom. I take care of my mom. I try to abide by the Golden Rule. I invite people to church. I give money to poor people. I volunteer. And now I have even begun the process to begin joining the church. However all of that is not really work. At least I don't believe it is the work to which King Adamtey was referring.
Yes, I have been doing some good acts, but it is not enough. My prayers have been inconsistent. My reading and learning of the bible has been almost non-existent. Instead of working for the Lord I realized that I was the one jobbing. In other words, I was going through the motions for the benefits but not really doing what God needs for me to do. I have been asking for blessings without putting in the work. I realized that maybe, just maybe, I have been stagnant for the past few years because my relationship with God has also been stagnant.
So today is the day I have decided that I am really going to start working for God and not just jobbing. I woke up and got on my knees and prayed. That is something big for me, I am too embarrassed to say how I usually pray. I found my guide to assist me in reading the bible. I am going to get involved with something at church where I am forced to make more than just a one time commitment. I need to figure out what God needs me to do and maybe I will figure out what I want to do. It's time to get to work!
Overall, I figured and it was also suggested by one of my cousins, that if I "stay in his face he'll elevate and stretch me." In other words by putting my work in with God, it will make other areas of my life work out too. Today I am taking my first steps to get back on track.
#HoCoFaith
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)