The past week in church the sermon really made an impact on me. The main message was talking about trying to figure out what your purpose is. Let me first go back before we move on.
I was/am in a precarious state. I lost my job about a year and half ago. I live with my family. I try to support and take care of my mom who has Multiple Sclerosis. I don't say all this for sympathy or for a gold medal in sympathy. I mention it because it really encompasses what I have been going through the past few years. I am not going to lie it has been rough. There are days when I just want to give up. There have been days when I don't want to get out of bed. Sometimes I wish that was invisible and that I could disappear. To put it simply, there are a lot of challenges that I am having and I am not always in the best of spirits despite my attempts.
So back to the sermon.... I realized that maybe part of my despair comes from not knowing my own purpose. When my dad died I was sure that my purpose was to help people. My dad did a lot of work in the community and I truly thought that it was my purpose to carry on his work. I majored in Government and Politics, went to law school, thought I was going to be the first female black president of the United States all for the sake of helping people on a grand scale. I thought that by being a child advocate for children in the child welfare system that I was making a small impact, but then I lost my job.
But being unemployed really makes you doubt everything you thought about yourself. I never was one of those people who tied my self-worth into a job title. However, when you don't have a title you realize how much of an importance we place on it. Suddenly I felt that I was useless, a waste of space, and unimportant. It even became linked to my love life. I felt like I was unlovable. I mean who wants to to be in love with someone who can barely even support themselves right? I felt that God didn't love me. I felt that I was disappointing him because I wasn't carrying out my purpose. I didn't feel like I was helping anyone when while I didn't have a job.
So this sermon made me realize I need to do a couple of things. First, I need to really work on my relationship with God. I have been saying this for days, months, years. I am going to go to church more, check. I am going to read the bible and pray more and go to bible study...*crickets*. So the day after church, I actually opened my bible and started reading and I wrote in my journal and reflected. The next day I started reading the Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. I find myself everyday excited to read the next chapter. Ready to get my life in order. Today I checked out The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson. I truly feel as if I am on the road to figuring out the point of it all.
**I go to Bridgeway Community Church. To see the message that I am referring to go here: http://www.bcctv.org/player Select 8/5/12***