Wednesday, March 25, 2015

The Seasons of Friendship

People come into your life for a reason, season, or lifetime.  When you figure it out you know what exactly to do.
-- Michelle Ventor

I. Can't. Let. Go.  There I've said it.  I have an extremely hard time letting go of friendships.  Maybe even at the expense of myself.

Friendships are an important part of my life.  You see, I grew up as an only child in a small Midwestern town.  My parents were both sick at the same time and the nearest family members were hundreds of miles away.  To me, my friends were my family.  They were the only people who made my life feel normal.  So, the end of the friendship can sometimes feel like the death of a family member which is why I have so much difficulty letting friendships go.

I don't give them up without a fight though.  I am that person that can see the good sides of most people.  And even those friends who may have some major flaws I still empathize with them because I know that they are inherently good people. I will try to work on the relationship often trying to tailor the way that I say things.  I will continue in my sympathy for that person even when others around me wonder why I even bother.  But the truth is, in everything I do I like to say that I tried and I did everything I could before giving up.

But sometimes there is nothing you can do.  Friends lose touch.  We grow older.  We change.  And the changes do not all have to be negative.  The longer you are friends with someone the more that the nature of your friendship will change.

But sometimes those changes can hurt.  Someone who you considered to be a good friend will stop talking to you.  Or sometimes a friend will say something that you don't agree with and decide that you are no longer worthy of being in his or her inner circle.  Still other times you may be a part of someone's past when they are trying to forget about that part of their lives.  Sometimes in all the good will and all the trying friendships cannot sustain these types of life changes.

There are times that I look back and I feel sad about some of the friendships that I have lost.  Sometimes they were my own fault.  Sometimes I decided that I finally had to let it go.  Sometimes I am not even sure why such and such and I stopped talking.  But I still feel like that piece of me is missing.

Not everyone wants to be friends with me and that's ok.  I am not everyone's cup of tea.  I have my own issues and flaws which I probably know just about as well as you do.   I try to be the type of friend who I would want in return.  Even if that means sometimes saying or hearing things that I don't like.  But the thing about friendships is that you have to trust that your friend has your best interests at heart.  That if someone tells you something that you don't like that it does not come from a malicious place.  Friends are supposed to pick you up when are down, hold you accountable, and help guide you on the right path when you are wandering towards the wrong.  And if you have a friend who doesn't fulfill all these qualities then maybe it is time for you to let it go.

I am blessed to have some friends who I consider my family, who I believe were put in my life for a lifetime.  And because I have those lifetime friends perhaps it makes it easier to let go of the reason and season friends who are on their way out of the door.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Pass Me a Drink

Pass me a drink.  This last month I felt like having a drink just about every night.  Don't worry I am not becoming an alcoholic.  And no I am trying to drown my sorrows with a nice glass of Malbec or two.  For me a drink after work or on the weekends is a chance to socialize, and that's what I miss.

How can you blame me?  The weather is starting to get nice.  I have finally ditched my pea coat that is at least two sizes too big.  I am buying new spring clothes and showing off my new figure in the process.  I am single and ready to mingle.  I am waiting for the opportunity to flirt with a gentleman caller of reasonable character if not just for a laugh.

I miss the chance of opportunity.  That opportunity that the next guy I meet might be the one who will give me butterflies again.  I like to be out so that I can forget about my friends who are getting engaged/married/having kids.  So I will not think about being single, again.  But at the same time my singledom gives me the freedom to be the real me:  sassy, flirty, silly, fun, loud, sexy, funny, intelligent and coy all at the same time without feeling one single ounce of guilt.  For when I go straight home after work no one can see this gift in their presence.  At home I go to sleep, wake up early, and live for the weekend.  But I want to live for life.  I want to live for everyday.

I remember those days when I could call up any random friend at the spur of the moment to grab a drink and catch up.  Now it seems that everyone has to schedule an outing days, weeks, and sometimes months in advance.  I miss the days of spontaneity and not needing to drink coffee at 4 pm to stay awake until 10 pm.  

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I go out by myself.  But lately when I do I walk around for an hour because I can't decide which crowd I like better.  And by that time I am just starving and tired and the crowd doesn't matter and I didn't get to flirty with anyone because I was just looking for a seat any seat.  Yeah sad life.

So today is Thursday.  But I am just going to go home and maybe buy that bottle of wine I keep talking about which I will sip while watching Scandal.  At least that is something I can count on.