This year has been quite the year. My mom and I moved to an apartment and I got my first permanent job after many years of looking. A few days ago I turned 35 (or thirty-fine has my waitress proclaimed it last night). Yet, my spirit is still not settled.
The weight of being a caretaker is tough. It was hard before we moved but now sometimes it feels impossible. It is not just about scheduling appointments. Now it is about making sure we always has meals ready, making sure she takes her medicine, teaching her how to use appliance and gadgets, and still today constant trying to get her to remember her new address. I do all of this while craving quiet an alone time while my mother lives on constant attention. It is tough. I am tired and I never imagined I would be as drained as I am. Sometimes I have flashes of thinking what will happen to my mom if I die prematurely. I then have the small panic of feeling unprepared if that does happen.
I am doing a job that I love. I am using my degree trying to make a difference in children who need help. I like my colleagues. I love the flexibility of my job. Yet, over and over again I have trouble sleeping. I find myself drifting somewhere between reality and the dream world and I can't discern whether that client who i am thinking about really exists or if I am stressing over a case that I have created in my dreams. Having a permanent job is outstanding, but I find myself waiting for this job to disappear. I keep anticipating when the shoe will drop again and I will figure out how to survive losing a job while maintaining a household.
At the end of the week I feel so exhausted. I am exhausted with being a caretaker and I am exhausted with anxiety and worry. On my days off I cram so much in that I don't even have the chance to decompress.
But today I decided I am going to find happiness again. From now until the end of the year I am going to make a conscious effort to take care of myself, mind, body and spirit. I am going to get back to doing things that bring me job. I will not allow myself to feel guilty during those times when I practice self-care. I also tell others that you have to make sure that you take care of yourself otherwise you will not be able to effectively help others. But I never follow this. I burn myself being everyone's everything all while I am being my nothing. But today is the day that I stop that. I am going to find happiness again and I will keep you posted on my progress.