Movement

For the past few months I have been deep in thought about my new year's goals/resolutions/bucket list.  It was a few weeks ago when I started piecing it together by beginning my vision board.  Don't judge it's sparseness now.  I took this picture at the beginning and I have since added to it, although I still have some work to do.

But as we get closer to New Year's Eve I am starting to get more and more ideas on how I want 2014 to look.  Last year I called my resolutions "goals".  My goals fell into 5 categories:  body, mind, spirit, love, and general (the catch all one).  And under each category I had several goals.  This year I thought that I might have one list with just 5 or 10 goals, perhaps a couple from each category.  But I then I felt as if I wanted to have one big long list.  My friend advised me a long list of new year's resolutions seems more like a bucket list then actually resolutions.  I think she has a point.   When I fleshed it out a bit I started thinking that resolutions are more like action statements not just a list of things on a list.

And there is this idea of a theme.  I read this article from the Huffington Post a few days ago.  It suggested that having a new year's theme was more effective than multiple resolutions.  Suddenly everything kind of clicked.  My New Year's Theme for 2014 is Movement.

For me, movement is not just about exercising and losing weight.  It goes so much further than that.  Movement is about this constant state of moving forward in life.  For me it is about moving into a new job.  It is about my moving into my own place.  It is about my moving forward in my spiritual journey.  And it is about moving on past my old hurts and my old loves.  The days of being stagnant are in the past, it is time for movement.

So I haven't totally given up the idea of having resolutions.  I will probably limit it to 10 or so.  But now I know that they will all support my theme of movement in 2014.  Because I can't really afford to stay in the same place for another year.  MOVEMENT 2014!

The Art of Saying No

Why is it so hard to say no?  Is it because we feel like another great opportunity won't come along unless we take this one?  Is it out of pity?  Is it out of shame?  Is it a sense of wanting to fit and not think about our own problems?  Or why is it that when we do say no that we feel bad about it?

I suppose this is an odd time to write this post.  I mean today is Christmas Eve.  Christmas is the time when people say yes all the time.  Christmas is about giving.  Christmas is about selflessness and love.   It seems that Christmas has became all about saying yes.  Yes to spending more money than we can afford.  Yes to presents for children that they don't really need and don't really deserve.  We say yes to all the food we have been avoiding for the entire year.  Yes to playing nice with people who we do not like.  Yes to a having a date on New Year's Eve with someone who we might not really care about just to say that yes we had a kiss when the clock struck 12:00 am.  The yesses seem endless but what about the no's?  I reckon that perhaps saying no is maybe more in the spirit that we realize.  Because when we say no for the right reasons it prevents us from saying yes for the wrong ones.

Right under my nose I realized that my friends and I have been struggling with the ability to say no.  My friends and I are a fun group of women.  When we go out we bring the fun.  When we walk in a room heads turn, those of men and women.  Why?  Because we are happy and because we really enjoy each other's company.  The problem is our fun nights on the town do not correspond to our un-fun bank accounts.  Sometimes when we should be balling on a budget we end up going balls to the wall.  I know I have trouble saying no.  I feel like I deserve to have fun.  Or I don't feel like limiting myself.  Or even worse I don't say no because I don't want my friends taking pity on the poor unemployed girl.  So instead I say yes and I have fun for one night but I feel guilty for longer afterward.

It even happens with dating.  I will take a number from someone who I will never call.  I will give a person a second date even though the first was a disaster.  And when it comes to intimacy some people might have a three month rule.  Others may just do the deed  when the time is right.  And there are those other times where guys and maybe girls want to skip the dating and courtship and jump directly into a romp in the sack (excuse my phrases I have been watching back to back episodes of Downton Abbey).  I have no problem turning down pre-mature sexual advances.  But why do I feel bad about saying no?  Maybe because I know that when I say no, they won't think that I am a women with thoughts and ideas who is not willing to rush into something .  Maybe because I know that when I say no that the date that we were supposed to have, the one that I was looking forward to, will no longer be an option because they weren't looking to date me in the first place.

Sometimes I have a hard time saying no to my mom.  I always feel such guilt because she is my mother who raised me.  She is my mother who has no choice for her current affliction.  Sometimes she has no control of her reactions.  But I still say no, even when I am tired, even when I am at my breaking point.

So how can I say no?  How can we say no without feeling bad about it?  I think personally think it is a gradual process.  Maybe it is ok to feel guilty.  Maybe it is meant to be hard to say no sometimes.  Perhaps it is just realizing the saying no is not always a bad thing.  I have heard some variation of the same idea but sometimes before we can love others we have to love ourselves.  So maybe saying no is a form of self-love and self-worth.  I guess saying no is one art that I will attempt to master in 2014.

The 5 Stages of Dating

So this week after having not gone on a real date in the past few months I decided it would be a good idea to book two dates with two different guys on back to back nights.  BIG MISTAKE.  I was exhausted after the first date!  The second date was a bit of a disaster.  It almost made me want to go back on my dating hiatus which I so conveniently forgot as the gentlemen callers started lining up.

As I was thinking about my latest experiences it made me think that dating is much like the five stages of grief by Kubler-Ross.  So now I present you with the Di Mo version of the 5 stages of dating and the corresponding thoughts....

1. Excitement- The date is scheduled.  Cool I have plans!  I am excited to go out with someone new.  I am excited to go out with that guy I have been crushing on for the past few months.  What I am going to wear?  What are we going to do?  Wait, is this a real date because he said "hang out"? Am I going to have to pay?  If so I hope we are not going to any place expensive.  I like getting to know someone this will be fun.
2. Nervousness-  Maybe this was a mistake.  My period is about to start and I am in a bad mood.  I can't find any good clothes to wear.  We are supposed to go out today and I still do know where we are going.  Parking is terrible at this place should I go with heels or flats?  What are we even going to talk about?  I don't even know his last name how I am supposed to Google him?  I hope he remembers what I look like.  Is he going to be disappointed when he sees me?  What if he never shows up that would be so embarrassing!  Ugh I don't want to get to know someone this is not going to be fun.
3. Relief  followed by panic- The date when well.  I had a good time.  He seems nice.  But did he have a good time?  Does he want to go out again?  OR that was a disaster!  Maybe it was because of my period?  I don't know if I can go out with him again.  He doesn't look like what I remembered.  Oh this was a mistake.
4. Status quo - Things seem to be going pretty well.  We have been out a few times and I enjoy his company.  I hope he doesn't think that he's getting any.  There might be a few red flags here and there.  He doesn't get along with his mother.  His favorite date wear is a hoodie.  It is has almost been three months, what do we call each other?  Do I have to get him a Christmas present?  If I don't break up with him now do I have to keep him around until Valentine's Day?  Well maybe I like him.  Maybe I can see myself with him for awhile?  
5. Disappointment- Nope, I'm out.  It didn't work out.  We have some major differences.  I am too old to be waiting around on someone who doesn't really know what he wants.  He seems like a nice guy.  He's just not for me.  He has some of the same problems as my ex.  I know how that worked out.  Now I am going to have to go through this whole process again.  I feel like giving up!

So I guess this seems pretty negative huh?  I shouldn't say all dating is bad.  I have had the opportunity to go out with some great guys and it just didn't work out to no fault of theirs.  Dating can be fun.  But dating can be exhausting.  Each new person I meet really feels like I am starting the dating cycle all over again.  The good thing, however, is that sometimes I might need a break, but I never give up on finding the right person for me.  Each person I meet is at the very least a potential new friend.  I never know where a date may lead, but until I put myself out there I will never know.

Embracing My Quirks

¹quirk

 

 noun \ˈkwərk\

             : an unusual habit or way of behaving

I am an atypical black girl.  I have long curly hair.  I was in band for seven years, and YES I went to band camp more than once.  My ipod on shuffle can go from Nine Inch Nails to Lil Scrappy to a lot of Erykah Badu.  I didn't go on my first official date until I was in my last semester of college.  And sometimes I would prefer to spend my Friday night finishing a great book then having a night out on the town.  Some people used to say that I sounded white, some may say that I still do.  I often get asked a combination of are you mixed or what country are you from.  I tend to want to be alone when I am in a bad mood so I don't bring others down with me too.  I often found solace in dancing and singing out loud in public.  I can strike up a conversation with a stranger and it can instantly feel like we have been friends for years.  My favorite piece of jewelry are my over-sized silver hoop earrings because before I lost weight I didn't have a neck and I couldn't wear dangly earrings.  It may have took me awhile but I am embracing my quirks.  I am loving what makes me, me.

I look around at people who are little bit younger than me. Shoot, people my age and older are also guilty of this as well.  So many people walk around trying to be someone else.  Countless folks are zombies waiting for others approval.  People get so lost in caring what other people think, that they stop caring about what they think about themselves. We judge others just to mask the insecurities that we have in ourselves.

I don't know when it happened, but one day I stopped caring.  Not that I go balls to the wall with my extrovertedness all the time, but for the most part I do and say what I want.  Maybe it is because I lost a parent at a young age and realized life is to short run around trying to look to others for approval.  Or maybe it's just because I realized I was never going to be "perfect" in anyone's eyes.  But I some point I became accepting and happy with my quirks.  I came to accept the reason why I am the way that I am and I have learned how my quirks can help me to help others.

Today I encourage you to embrace your own quirks and to be comfortable with who you are.  Because when you are fabulous no one can take that away from you, except yourself!

Practice What I Preach

So yesterday I wrote this motivational post about waiting on God and remaining faithful blah blah blah, but today I am down in the dumps.  I am not sure if it is because this is the third day that I have basically been in the house all day.  Or maybe it is the billionth day of cloudy, rainy, gray weather we have had lately.  But I just don't feel like this big ball of positive energy.  How am I supposed to help and inspire others to their greatness when I am not even believing in my own?  Why am I not practicing what I preach?

Yesterday I said with confidence that I need not to be faithful and trusting of all my worries and fears.  Today I am back to worrying and beating myself up.  I know that God said that you only have to have a mustard seed of faithful, but perhaps there is something smaller than a mustard seed that we can negotiate on?

Being unemployed really can mess with your psyche.  I know that many of my friends probably think that I watch Wendy Williams and Maury Povich all day.  I don't, trust me.  Some of my other friends think that my time should be spent at the library from sun up until sun down applying to jobs.  Yeah, I don't do that either.  My day is spent as a balance of making sure my mother isn't burning down the house, taking her to doctor's appointments, looking for and applying to jobs, cleaning and doing household chores, and not curling into a ball and becoming invisible.  Earlier, I actually did text one of my friends earlier saying, "I want to curl up into a ball and become invisible."

Today my friend and I are supposed to be creating our vision boards to use for the next year.  We did it a few years ago and it was an interesting process, but I am not sure how much it helped.  I tried to back out of it, but my friend didn't make it easy enough for me not to go so I made a vow that I should show up.  But I am wondering how can I make this stunning vision board when right now the only visions I see are of overeating and overdrinking myself into a peaceful slumber?  I mean how can I have a vision when I have felt so stagnant for the past few years?

But I am going to pull myself out of this funk and I am going to stop having a pity party for one.  I mean I am way too cute to have a party by myself.  And more important I am way too blessed to give up and lose focus on my purpose and what I am supposed to be doing.

So shout out to my homegirl who inspired this post today and inspired me to get up and start practicing what I preach!

Waiting On God

Have you immediately walked into church and started getting teary-eyed?  Yeah that was me this morning.  You can say what you want about God and about churches and about the institution of religion in general.  But when I step into church and the choir is singing and I am brought to tears on that first note alone, there is a spirit in the air that no one can explain to me, except being from God.  When the first tear fell, I knew that this was going to be a sermon that I should listen to.  I was right.  Today's sermon was Waiting on God, and it couldn't come at a better time.

We are constantly waiting for something.  We wait on our friends who are always late.  We wait for our food to be ready while we are at a restaurant.  I wait for my mom to get out of bathroom so I can pee before my bladder explodes.  We will even wait in line for a new pair of sneakers or to save a few bucks on a tv that is probably bigger than anyone really needs.  Yet, how often do we really find ourselves waiting on God?

I have always thought I had the answers.  I felt like my decisions were right.  My beliefs were in check so good things would always happen to me.  I work hard and I will be rewarded for this work.  Life is as simple as that, right?  Not exactly.  Well, not at all.  There are a lot of things that I am waiting for.  I feel like I am always on the cusp of something new and exciting about to happen in my life.  Right when I feel like finally done waiting and I am ready to receive reality sinks in.

Today's sermon reminded me of something very important.  God works on his own timetable.  As much as we want to speed up this process, it is a process.  While in the process we need to become comfortable with ourselves, comfortable with God, and remain faithful that God keeps is promises.  Sometimes in the process things might even get worse while we are waiting.  Sometimes a situation might get worse before it gets better.  In the end though, what we had to go through to get to the other side is well worth the wait.

I just have to remember all this.  I need to really believe what I am typing to you all because it is hard.  Because I get tired!  I get tired of waiting to be in love.  I get tired of waiting for the job of my dreams.  I get tired of watching my mom get worse everyday.  I get tired of waiting to figure out when I can stop worrying about paying my bills everyday.  But I will still wait and I will waiting faithfully.  Because God has really seen my through some doozies earlier so I have been blessed by the power of this work.

So today I am waiting on God, patiently and while I am waiting for it to stop snowing so mom and I get grab some dinner lol.

Who's Going to Fight for Me

This post is inspired by a conversation I had with one of my BFFs last night when I really should have been asleep but I was wired from a late night workout and watching the show Scandal (if you watch the show I am sure that you can relate to Scandal-induced insomnia).  Anyway, in our conversation I was talking about a person who I was recently seeing.  I will the divulge the details of why we parted ways to protect his privacy. I was reflecting on some of my unresolved thoughts and feelings and how I didn't feel enough closure. By the end of the conversation I noticed a pattern in my past relationships.  I always feel a longing for a sense of closure, aka being able to say everything that I didn't like about the relationship veiled as a way of preventing the person who I was dating from making the same mistakes with someone else.  But I know even if I said everything I wanted to, it wouldn't make myself feel any better.  But by the end of this conversation I thought maybe there is an equally important point that I am missing.  I began asking myself who's going to fight for me?

Let me further explain this question.  I have long championed myself as being a fighter.  I still remember writing my law school admissions essay comparing myself to Muhammad Ali and my passion of fighting for others.  My commitment to public service is a reflection of my fighter status.  I fight for my friends, I fight for my family, I fight for my opinions and for my beliefs.

But at the end of the day being a fighter is lonely.  Sometimes I get tired of fighting.  Sometimes I wish life were like the WWE where I could tag someone else in so that I can take a break.  Sometimes, I just want someone to fight for me like I fight for them.

Who's going to fight for me?  This is the question that I often ask myself at the end of a relationship.  So often I feel like every relationship fades with little effort from my other half.  Me, I will fight until I am exhausted when I feel like it is the right thing to fight for.  But for those who I have dated, few if any, have actually fought to make the relationship work.  While I should take it as a reflection of them, I instead internalize their lack of urgency.  It makes me feel that maybe I am not worthy of someone fighting for.  I began to question if there is something wrong with me.  Did they not realize that I am not a hard rock but really a gem?  Did they not understand this fabulousness that they were letting go?

I might be temporarily phased but I am never down for too long.  Those others didn't want to fight for me, and that is a blessing for me.  I know that there is someone out there who will fight for me, I just need to be patient, I just need to remain faithful.

Happy

Via Facebook I was introduced to Pharrell Williams' new 24 hour video Happy.  I had heard about this video before and I hadn't given it much thought.  A 24 hour video?  How?  Why?  Who has time for that?  But this video is worth watching.  In the very least it will change your mood for a few minutes.  I immediately downloaded this song and I have been playing it on repeat ever since.  You know why?  Because no matter how big your problems may seem.  Or whatever or whoever you might feel down about listen to this song and you can't help but smile and want to clap and dance along with it.  Try it, and then send it to your friends.  

Where My Passions Lie

Since this blog has turned into my open book on feelings and emotions I feel like it is important to share with you something that I have been struggling for in the past few years.  To summarize I suppose the issue is that I feel like I am not following my passions.  Let me explain...

When I was younger I always wanted to be a writer.  I started off writing poetry.  I placed second place in a local competition once.  I was even published in the magazine Seventeen.  Shoot, I ended up going to a journalism camp when I was in high school.  I was sure that I was going to be the next poet laureate one day, but I hadn't put much thought into anything besides the title itself.

Some where along the way my interests shifted.  I think that when I saw the movie Mr. Smith Goes To Washington that I set my sights on the White House.  And for many years I was serious about it.  My friends surely remember me introducing myself and saying that I was going to be the first black female president.  My AOL IM screen name was even adia4prez.  While I was in college I always made sure to never be photographed with a drink in my hand as I thought it would come back to bite me as I was being vetted for my presidential bid.  But life happened.  Reality sunk in.  Being president is not easy, just look at President Obama's hair in the past few years.  I am too cute to go gray like that honey!  Of course my dreams of politics were also set aside make my family a priority.  Plagued with unemployment and struggling to take care of myself and my mom's leftovers my once squeaky clean image probably will never make me eligible to run for anything anytime soon.

I went to law school to help people.  I always give this stump speech in interviews and when I meet people about wanting to be Angela Davis but not wanting to get arrested.  I thought that I naturally was going to become a public defender or a community activist that would work for the people with the people.  I have done some of that.  However, much of my dreams have been left unfulfilled.  These days I feel like I am my happiest when I am volunteering at a soup kitchen.  I still haven't really figured out how to satisfy my passion for helping others will not being in line at the soup kitchen myself.

I sometimes have this flashes of greatness.  I tried to describe it to my friend the other day.  I have this flash of where my life is heading and being able to testify about my testimony.  But the flash is just a flash, so quick that I can't really feel it or touch it.  It is like I know it is going to be there, but I have no idea how to reach it, no idea how I can see it again.  I had a flash this morning.

This morning one of my friends I met during my stint in law school wrote me a touching message.  I won't go into detail to maintain her privacy.  However, she starting by compliment my blog saying it was amazing and "ditto" to all the thoughts that I share on dating, unemployment and the such.  Later today I received another email from a friend who said that she loves reading my blog.  A few days ago I received a compliment from a friend who I haven't talked to since high school and she too reads my blog!

So what's my point in all of this?  Maybe all of my dreams have not yet been fulfilled.  But ego aside, maybe I am helping people through this blog.  Perhaps by pouring out my thoughts and feelings on the interwebs that others can relate and know that they are not alone.  Maybe by putting a few words together and sharing them with they world that I have inspired someone else to do something that they have always wanted to do but have been putting off.  Maybe?

I just wanted to end with saying thank you!  I never know who is reading or what they are reading but I appreciate it nonetheless.  I am truly humbled to know that maybe I am actually living my dream out loud in a capacity I had never imagined. Please continue to read, comment, and share with others :)

Letter to My Exs

Dear Exs/Men I Have Dated,

I know it has been awhile since I have talked to you, some longer than others.  I know that you are probably surprised to hear from me.  Actually I am surprised that I am writing you myself, but I suppose that I have some lose ends to tie up.

I just wanted to say thank you.  Thank you for the good times that we shared and thank you for the bad times.  It is because of you that I am a stronger person.  I have begun to understand that I really do want to get married one day and not just have an eternal boyfriend.  And I might even want to have kids.  Because of our time together I know the difference in how a woman should and should not be treated.  I have experienced love and I realize that I want to experience that again with someone who continues to love me back and not just when it is convenient to them.

Thank you for putting up with me.  I know that I can be strange and moody and sometimes down right evil but you dealt with me.  And because you were able to handle it I know someone else can handle me too.  Thank you for always asking about my mother and treating her with respect even if you never met her.  I often worry that I will never find a man who will be able to deal with the responsibilities I have with my mom, but because of you I know this will not be a problem.  Because in my eyes the way that someone takes care of their mother, sister, and kids is a reflection in how they will treat me.  You made me realize that if another man is not doing this than he is not the one for me.

I appreciate the fact that you respected my religious beliefs.  One of you actually encouraged me to start going to church regularly, and I haven't looked back since.  Some of you would ask me about church and what I learned, you even asked for prayer.  A couple of you even came to church with me, which meant a lot.  While others were not as inclined.  The pastor told us today that your salvation cannot be taken away, so I know you will find your own path one day.  But for me, I know I want a man that has a relationship with God and is working on how to become a better person.  Not so that he can get into heaven, but he realizes the love and grace shown by God and wants to return that to others.

Thank you for loving my body no matter what the scales says.  You made me feel as beautiful with clothes on as I did naked.  You encouraged me to eat healthy and exercise not because you wanted to change me, but because I wanted to change me.  I appreciated when we cooked together and we worked out together.  I even liked when you got a little jealous when other men stared at me.  Because let's face it, I am fabulous!

For the past few years I have not had a full time job.  Thank you for not making it a reflection on myself as a person, but merely a circumstance that many people at this time face.  You sometimes paid for me when I didn't have to pennies to rub together and that was not forgotten.

Finally, I just wanted to say thank you for not being "the one".  Because by us parting ways it opens the opportunity for you and for me to find who are true companion shall be.  I would love to say that we should be friends, but it would be a lie.  Because when people part ways one or both of them is still harboring some sort of feelings whether good or bad.  But I do hope that all is well for you.  I hope that I helped you as much as you helped me.  I hope that you will find your own love as I will find my own.

Yours very truly,

Di

Loving My Body

I was at one of my favorite boutiques dedicated to curvy girls (Non-paid shout out to K Staton Boutique!). It was small business Saturday and I was trying to do my part to stimulate the economy.  I am in need of a fly new dress for the holidays and since I am down 20 lbs (and counting) I thought it was a good way to treat myself.  I learned something very important this weekend.  I am hot!

I am embarrassed to say that loving my body shouldn't be a new revelation, but to me it kinda is.  You see I grew up always trying to hide my body.  When the style was everyone wearing baggy clothes I fit right in.  Of course when that style faded, I still held on like I was holding on to life itself.    It took me years to figure out that I was wearing clothes one maybe two sizes too big.  I even wore my shoes too big!  Even now as an adult who has lost weight I still find myself trying to cover up the flaws in my figure by just covering up everything everywhere.

But this particular shopping trip I decided to try on things that I would normally never wear just to see what it would look like.  Yes I tried on some body hugging dresses that I could barely put on much less take off.  And I was amazed!  I had a waist!  It had been hiding for some time.  I had these muscular legs.  I actually had a nice shape.  I am getting a little bit of a butt (no thanks to my mother, but I will save the topic for another day).  All of these great features I had been hiding because of this one tire thing around my stomach.  I had named it once after I saw that stand up special when Wanda Sykes named her stomach Esther Roll (if you haven't seen it you should look it up on YouTube!) but I have since forgotten the name.  Anyway, I was so afraid of this one spot that I hated that I was not able to highlight all of me.

So from now on I am going to stop bundling up my figure.  Of course I am not going to let it ALL hang out, ain't nobody got time for that!  I mean it is easy for everyone to love the good things about ourselves it is just learning to love our flaws that takes the most work and dedication.  But while working on loving this body that God gave me I am going to throw on some Spanx and keep it moving!  I suggest you do the same!

Progress Update

Good morning ladies and gents!  Shortly I will be off for a day of fun with mom, but before I left I wanted to leave you with a mini-post.  Hopefully I will have the time and ability to write another post later this weekend.

So the update is that I have been sticking to my goals health goals.  Despite working crazy hours and getting not enough sleep I have been working out at least 3-4 times a week and sticking to my calorie allotment.  I am definitely seeing the results and I feel great!  I know I have a long way to go, but with every pound that I drop and every old piece of clothing that I can wear again I know I am one step closer to achieving my goals.

I promised myself that this will be the LAST time that I attempt to drop this weight.  Not because if it doesn't work I am giving up.  No because this time I am going to see it through to the end.  Thank you all for your support and encouragement!  Maybe I will inspire you to do the same...

I am Fabulous and I Am Not Apologizing

I just came from seeing the movie The Best Man Holiday.  Don't worry no spoilers here!  I will say that I highly recommend it.  It is the kind of movie that leaves you feeling kind of warm and fuzzy at the end.  And the movie also address many issues that resonated with me and probably resonate with others as well.

On the drive home I started to drift into many thoughts.  I was thinking about how blessed I am for the friends I have.  I was thinking that I would love to look as fine as Nia Long is today at 40 while I am 32.  I was even engulfed in not so PG-13 rated thoughts of Morris Chestnut and his often shirtless chest.  

While all of this was going on, the song "If You Want Me To Stay" by Sly and The Family stay came over my iTunes playlist.  It was funny that I didn't even remember adding it, but it was one of those songs that my dad used to play while I was a kid and to this day it reminds me of him.  Suddenly, the thoughts of my father seemed overwhelming.  I thought about how I wished he was around.  I wondered if he is looking down on me.  I guessed whether he would be surprised that I am an attorney or if he would be glad.  I wondered if he would be disappointed that I haven't done more.  Or maybe he would feel guilty for leaving mom and I alone, without him.  But the biggest question is whether he would like this woman who I have become.  But who am I?

I am fabulous.  I am fabulous.  I had to say it twice, because that is how much I believe it.  It took me a long time to get to that conclusion, but now I have it, I will NEVER let it go.  I am beautiful, I am intelligent, I am hilarious, I am caring, I am faithful, I am affectionate, I am appreciative, I am real, I am honest, i am blunt, I am strong, I am loyal, I am thoughtful, I am a motivator, I am hopeful, I am broke, I am persistent, I am a lover, I am stubborn, I am loud, I am giving, I am passionate, I am moody, I am plus-sized and I will eat a damn cookie if I want to, I am a dreamer, I am a fighter, I am so much more in this beautifully wrapped God-created package called me.  I am fabulous, and I am not going to apologize for thinking so.

You know what else I am not going to apologize about?  I am not going to apologize for wanting a man who is equally as fabulous as me.  I am not going to apologize for wanting a man who will realize just how fabulous I am and who will remind me of it everyday.  I need a man who will understand everything that I have been through and everything that is yet to come.  I refuse to apologize for wanting a partner with dreams and goals and who strives to accomplish them, no matter what hurdles are put in his path.  I will not apologize for dreaming of a man who will open my door, watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta with me, rub my back, and then run my bath water without asking for anything in return.  I won't apologizing for wanting a man who takes care of his mother, sisters, and kids because that shows me that he can take care of me.  I am not apologizing for considering myself a black feminist but at the same time wanting to cater to my man's every needs.

So that's it basically.  Fabulous seeking fabulous.  Any takers?

Keeping the Faith

When people ask me how I am doing I usually respond with "ok".  Now don't get me wrong, I am not one of those people who thinks that when someone asks this question that they are not expecting a genuine response.  At least for me, when I ask someone else how is it going or how are you, I mean it.  So as a courtesy I give a real answer.  However, lately "ok" has been my response of choice.  Why?

Well I use "ok" because it is an easy and semi-truthful response.  Yes I am ok, I have food to eat, a roof over my head, clothes to wear and I am maintaining all my bills (just barely).  I am relatively in good health.  I am not being persecuted for my beliefs.  So yes I am ok.  I mean do I have the right to complain?

But in the back of my head I am never really just "ok".  Back there is a lonely and dark place.  It is filled with all of my constant worries and fears.  What many people may not realize about me that despite my usually cheery disposition I am a ball of pessimism which I usual describe as realism.  I am a worst case scenario type of girl topped with a touch of hypochondria.  

The truth is with all this going on in my head it is hard to stay faithful.  After looking for a permanent job for YEARS, I haven't given up, but I am definitely deflated.  Thoughts of doubt in my abilities tend to make me almost stray from my path.  What you don't realize is that when you lose a job and have trouble finding a new one, it feels so personal, as if there is something wrong with me and that's why I am facing these issues.  Same goes with the search for a companion.  I know I am not alone in comparing myself to others.  But I am left sitting here with thoughts of why not me?

But in the end yes, some thoughts not of God cross my head, but I have learned to push them out.  You see I always am able to maintain my faith because so far God has always been by my side.  Even when circumstances seem so bleak and there is no answer I am always provided with a solution.  I have learned a lot in these past few years on my journey, for that I am thankful, but I know I have a long path ahead of me.  Yesterday, I told one of my friends that I am going to have an awesome testimony soon.  I just wish soon was like tomorrow and not later?  But that is out of my control.  Until then, I have to keep my faith.  Because if I don't believe in it myself, how can I in good conscience tell others to keep theirs?

Dear Congress

Dear Congress:

I meant to write this letter to you 14 days ago, but I decided to furlough the letter until now.  Congress, let me tell you, you are not doing a good job.  The government shutdown was a terrible idea.  You have directly put the lives of hundreds of thousands of people's lives in jeopardy.  These are hard working people who depend on their bi-weekly checks to feed themselves and their families.  Not to mention the indirect results of the shutdown.  People cannot go to national parks around the country which in turn hurts the economy when we are already in a precarious situation.  The longer this goes on programs aimed at helping women and children will have to shutdown because of lack of funds.  Businesses are hindered because they cannot call the government to do even routine aspects of their jobs.  I am scared to eat foreign seafood because it is not being regulated.  Not to mention the DC government is about to shutdown itself, which really sucks for them because they don't even have the power to vote you out of office!

So I ask you Congress what is the purpose of the shutdown?  You are opposing the implementation of a legislation that was already passed and vetted by the Supreme Court?  In fact, not only are you in opposition to legislation, but legislation that has already become a law!  Some of you may want to watch "The School House Rocks" Episode of How a Bill becomes a law (I have hyperlinked it for you just in case you don't know how to use YouTube).  And honestly Congressmen you do know that when you are win an election there will be another one later?  Did you think that costing the country millions of dollars is the key to winning your seat for another term?  Which one of these questions is the most accurate:  Do you hate seeing people taking care of their health?  Do you hate the Affordable Care Act because you didn't think of it?  Or do you just hate President Obama so much that you would ruin the whole country as a result?  If you answered yes to any of these the country headed for a much deeper whole than we can imagine.

To me and many other people in this country you seem to appear very nonchalant about this whole situation.  Perhaps it is because you don't live check to check like the 99% of us do?  I bet none of you will have to pick up a part time retail job to cover the bills, right?  I hope that when the shutdown ceases you donate your own two weeks of salary as a penance for your misdeeds.  I am sure you will not  however, because your behavior has shown that you clearly care about no one but yourself.

In closing, Congress, I ask that you settle this shutdown and also the debt ceiling because I am not sure if I can stomach the thought of doing this again every few weeks.  One of my Facebook friends so astutely pointed out a few weeks ago that if the Government were a business the boss would clean house.  And when it happens, don't say that I didn't warn you.

With Much Frustration,

Di Mo

The Death of Rom Coms

Over the weekend I took my mother to see the movie Baggage Claim.  Baggage Claim is a romantic comedy (rom com) which just happens to feature and almost all black cast.  In this movie, the protagonist was a 30 something year woman who was tired of being a bridesmaid and was determined to bring her potential soul-mate to her little sister's upcoming nuptials.  The movie was pretty predictable and followed that usual rom com formula (don't worry no spoilers here).  But at the end I ended up wish rom coms would be dead just like the N word, auto tune, and twerking.

I sat in that theater not happy but annoyed.  I am all for feel good stories, but rom coms I think I am done with them.  I am tired of seeing these hopelessly romantic women look for Mr. Right, have some type of low point, followed by a fairy tail ending.  I guess the problem is not the movie itself, but the unrealistic expectations that women have as a result of these movies.  

I am not saying that I am immune.  I want a husband, I don't necessarily want 2.5 kids and a dog, but I am looking for a companion.  In my head I still feel like there is someone out there for everyone who wants someone. But as I get older I realize I might not have that great story to tell people about how I met my husband.  In fact, I might not even have a husband.  And if I do finally have one, I don't think he is going to be the guy "right under my nose".

And then there is a little bit of irony about the whole rom com generation we have become.  We want some guy to sweep us off our feet, to take us on a carriage ride through the city, and to open all of our doors.  The reality is that much of us settle for much less.  Maybe sometimes we are so happy to have company that we don't even realize that the person who we spend our time with us not even a real companion.  We theoretically set our aspirations high planning our weddings and our children and future, yet we let men treat us any which way in the present.  How does this fit in with a fairy tale ending?

So until further notice I am calling a boycott of rom coms.  Death to the rom com, at least until The Best Man Holiday comes out. lol

The Lonely Way Out

Last night was scary.  One of my friends from high school posted on Facebook about committing suicide.  This girl, who I remember always laughing and sharing jokes with while in school was contemplating her own death.  It felt like I was watching someone die right in front of my face and there was nothing that I could do about it.  Fortunately, her sisters sent police to look for her.  There was an outpouring of love and support from her friends and family.  Today, my friend responded to her post saying that she was ok.  Apparently her struggle has been going on for awhile but she is motivated to heal and to love herself.

Seeing her post, made me think that more than we would like to admit many of us have shared a variation of her thoughts.  Thinking about suicide is lonely.  It is like being in an isolated prison cell.  You keep thoughts thoughts so tight inside because you feel like you are going through things by yourself.  Suicide is the lonely way out.  It's sad, dark, uncomfortable and twisted.  My friend thought that her own suicide would be a "painless" option.  The truth is that suicide is not a painless.  Suicide leaves everyone around you in pain.

There are times when I have had my own dark thoughts.  I haven't necessarily thought about suicide but I have thought that maybe if I wasn't around that everyone might benefit.  In the end though, I never gave up and I never give up.  Mainly because I know I have a responsibility to my mom and I have a responsibility to God to continue to serve him until my purpose is complete.  God never gives us more than we can handle.  At times I thought that my situation is bleak, but I am always humbled by the instances when people have much less than I and who are still smiling.

Suicidal thoughts should be taken seriously.  If someone tells you that they are thinking about committing suicide they need help, professional help.  It is not a time for public shaming and judgment.  It is a time for love and support.  If you see someone struggling don't turn a blind eye.

Back On Track

I am getting fat.  Yes, I admit it.  My clothes don't fit the way they used to.  Leggings are my clothing piece of choice.  My face looks like that of a cherub.  I am past my threshold weight.  You know that weight that usually knocks me back into my senses to get back on track.  While some might like my squishy and softness, I for one DO NOT.  So what am I going to do about it?  Get back on track!

Maybe the most frustrating thing about losing weight is knowing exactly what you need to do but not knowing whether you have the will to do it.  I once lost 70 lbs.  I know that the perfect combination of diet and exercise will help me drop my extra poundage.  But there is a difference now.  Before I felt like I was on the verge of death.  Let me tell you death knocking on your door is the best motivator.  I was younger then, more determined.  Now it is HARD.  The weight doesn't seem to leave as easier.  Plus, I have realized my love of food has grown with the size of my waistline. lol

Luckily, I know I am not alone.  My friend and I made a pact to get back on it, starting TODAY!  What does get back on track entail?  First, tracking calories.  My favorite free app is My Fitness Pal.  It works very similar to Weight Watchers (I have used WW in the past) except there are no points.  It doesn't mean I have to give up foods, I just need to make smarter choices.  Second, I need to start exercising.  Actually I have been doing this the past few weeks.  I just realized how out of shape I am though.  It makes cardio so unappealing with you are huffing and puffing through an entire workout.  But each day is getting a little better, and eventually I know I will be back to the way that I used to be.

And I don't feel bad for being where I am.  Sure I have had ups and I have downs.  But the one thing I never do is completely give up.  So what if I have to get back on track once a month?  What's the alternative?

Learning About Myself

Dating has it's pros and cons.  The cons can be going on terrible dates, getting rejected, or even getting stood up.  But besides a good meal  and good company there are many pros (besides me writing about my dates).

A few years ago I would have told you that I loved dating.  I used to love meeting new people, going out, and sharing my stories good and bad.  I even thought I was becoming a little bit of a player at one point.  The past few years dating has definitely had its ups and downs.  I am not sure what is the cause for the difference.  I think the change is partially the change in dating pool.  As we get older the pool gets smaller in general.  On top of that finding someone that meets all of your criteria can become even more elusive.  But I think the other issue is knowing what you want and can't tolerate.  The more you date, the more life experience you have, you are more specific in your desire and expectations.  Even with the uncertainty of dating in my 30s, I don't even give up hope.

In my dating experiences I realized that I am starting to learn little things about myself that I had never realized before.  Some of it is good, some of it is bad.  And I realized some of my habits and/or reactions are partially due to my previous dating experiences.

I am scared to get hurt.  I am so scared to get hurt that I have thoughts of ending something before it really is something.  Part of me has always felt that I could have prevented getting hurt in my previously relationships if I had cut things off sooner when I had first had doubts.  So now when I have those same "doubts" I immediately want to run for the hills.  The truth is, I am not even sure if it is my doubts that make me want to run or if it is my fear of getting hurt again.  I don't want to have to go through the pain and the time it takes to get over someone again.  As much as I want companionship will my fears prevent me from love?

However, I feel that knowing about my insecurities, fears, and behaviors is the first step toward overcoming them.  The second step is to be able to communicate this with my partner.  The next step is finding the right man who is open, honest, patient, and understanding.  I am equally scared that I will not find someone who is willing to care and work with me on my issues.  Sometimes the thought of sharing about my fears and my experiences with a man make me scared.  My surface is so hard, confident, sarcastic and witty.  I mean that's what brings all the boys to the yard LOL.  But on the inside I am just a girl who wants to be loved.  , 

So no I am not going to give up, at least not today.  :)

Social Media Hiatus

A few of my loyal readers were astute to point out that I have not written a blog post in some time.  They are right.  I apologize guys!  I do have a reason, albeit maybe not a legitimate one haha.  I have have been on a social media hiatus.

Social media hiatus?  Yes!  I have been ditched my Facebook and Twitter accounts the past few weeks.  Honestly, part of me wants to delete them, but I keep them around for professional and networking purposes.  So what is the reason for the hiatus?  I needed a break!

I found myself wasting a lot of time and energy on Facebook and Twitter.  Granted a lot of it was because of boredom.  But overall social media can really be information overload.  Facebook sometimes just seems like digital vomit.  Everyone seems to think it is acceptable to share every aspect of their lives.  I often find myself Facebook stalking the random girl I went to high school with that I may not even have been friends with in real life, but I am Facebook friends with.  I felt bombarded with picture after picture of food and random things.  I see people writing about their thinly veiled thoughts of sadness or anger over relationships.  I am hounded to play Candy Crush or any other game.  After awhile Facebook and Twitter just seemed like too much.  And don't get me started on Instagram.  I do not have the time to look at everyone's billion selfies or "cool" filtered pictures of a glass. 

Sometimes I just miss the days before the internet and before camera phones.  I would love to catch up with a person and find out how they are doing with an actually conversation.  Hell, let's bring back letter writing or maybe compromise with an email?

I am still in my hiatus although I will check in here and there to see if I have to respond anything.  But as of right now Facebook and Twitter will stay deleted from my phone.

Get My Mind Right

I need to get my mind right!  I started a new temp assignment on Wednesday that was supposed to last two months.   On Saturday night I was told that they were "downsizing" the group and "my name was on the list".  In other words I was cut, 4 days after the project started (and I had even came in on a Saturday to work).  And to make the experience even more awesome I was cut while aboard a happy hour cruise.  SO AWESOME!  So here I was trying not to be the Debbie downer of my friends but what I really wanted to do cuddle under the blankets and become invisible or maybe jump off the boat, with my margarita in hand, and swim to my car so i could immediately head home and put my head under the covers.  I was able to temporarily get over my devastation thanks to my friends and some extremely hot green papaya salad.  Spicy foods are my comfort food.

However, the rest of the weekend I was not putting on a good face.  Actually today I am still a little blah.  The truth is, I can put on a brave face and keep going forward, but it is really exhausting.  It is exhausting to constantly be stressed and wonder how you are going to pay for your bills in a couple of days and at the end of the month.  It is depressing to a papaya salad when you really want the basil broccoli and beef just because you know you can only really afford the salad.  It is irritating to look at your friends' new dress/shoes/purse/earrings when you keep rocking the same dress that you have been rocking for the past few years.  Not to mention my mother wanting to go out to eat, or play lottery tickets, or get her hair done.  It makes me feel like a loser and a disappointment to my family, my friends, and most of all to myself.  Sometimes I just feel like enough is enough!  How long am I going to waiting and be faithful thinking that this next perfect job will come?

Then there is my non-existent love life.  All around me friends are dating guys they really like, getting engaged, getting married, and having kids.  I try to be happy for everyone else, but sometimes I just feel bitter and disappointed.  I want someone that I can share my time with.  I want to share this abundance of love that I have stored in my heart.  I remember what it feels like to completely open my heart to someone else.  I want to have that feeling when you know the person who you love loves you too.  I hear the pastor and guest preachers deliver sermons about how great a union is under God.  I see the happy couples with their families walking in the lobby after church and all I can think about is how about me?  Where is my boyfriend, boo, husband?

My friends tell me to focus on what I can control.  That I should take some classes, try new things, work out,  read a book, do things that I like.  They tell me to stay faithful, to pray. They tell me the right job, the right man, the right situation is around the corner.  All I can think is how long is this corner?  A few months? A few years? A decade?

I keep thinking that I keep doing all the things that God wants me to so where is my blessing?  I know blessings are relative.  Despite all of my disappointments, not a day goes by where I do not thank the Lord.  I have survived another day.  While I might struggle, I know others' struggles are tougher than my own.  I know all of this.  I have even accepted that sometimes that I don't know why God does or does not do things.  But it still doesn't help my anxiety, my worry, nor my stress.

So I need to get my mind right!  A good friend reminded me of something I used to say to others.  To paraphrase, she said you have to put out positivity to get it in return.  And she is right.  So I am telling myself that everything will be fine.  Everything will work out.  My blessings are around the corner (without the thought that this might be an extremely long block).

Blogiversary

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of The Point of it All Blog!  I want to thank everyone who has read, commented, and given me words of encouragement along the way! It has been an amazing experience putting my thoughts, feelings, and experiences out into the universe, I appreciate your patience :)

I started this blog to mark my spiritual journey and everything that happened along the way.  I can definitely say that I have grown a lot.  Although my journey is not anywhere near complete I feel that I have made some progress.  I have noticed that my faith has grown.  I still have my ups and downs but I am improving.  I have never envisioned that I would be sharing with others my love for God and even encourage my friends to read the bible!

As far as the rest of my life, well that is also a work in progress.

I still haven't figured out the point of it all.  Maybe I am not supposed to, I am not sure.  But as of right now here is to another year!

The Proverbs Challenge

For the past few weeks in church the messages have all been from the book of Proverbs.  Honestly, it is a book that I had never really paid attention to.  Looking back I am surprised by all the information that is in there or maybe I am also surprised that I didn't know what it was all about.  

Anyway, last week the Minister that gave the message.  He said that is father suggested to him as a boy to read the book of Proverbs.  He said he did it and it had a big effect on him.  He suggested that we do the same.  He advised that we should read a chapter a day for a month (Proverbs has 31 chapters).  Each day we should pick a verse that really speaks to us, write it down, and meditate on it for the day.

Today is day one of my Proverbs challenge.  I have convinced several of my friends to take the same challenge.  That way we can all read and hold each other accountable if only for a month.  Plus at least for me, it gets me reading the bible outside of church, which is something that I have been trying to do for awhile.

So my reason for writing this is to encourage you all to do the same.  So who's with me?

Planning for the Inevitable

I love my mom.  Our relationship has not been a straight arrow of bliss.  I know what you are thinking, everyone has ups and downs with their mothers.  That might be true, but ours was a little different.
You see growing up with my mom was difficult at times.  Many times she was not the nicest nor the most nuturing figure.  Hugs and kisses were kind of rare.  And sometimes she was just plain mean for no apparent reason.  I remember how I would write in my diary that my mom was being a "bitch" and then scratch it out because if I became the President I didn't want them to look back at my old things and see what I had said (yes I was politically-minded from an early age).

When my mom became diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis her personality completely changed.  Now my mother is for the most part one of the sweetest most caring people I know.  Many times she cares more about others more than she cares about herself.  She always has a card ready for all occasions and even will sometimes give a card just to give a card.  She tells me "I love you" after every phone call, something I definitely didn't experience growing up.  She also is very funny.  However sometimes I cannot tell if she means to be funny or not.  She might have the occasional angry streak but they are more funny than anything.

This was quite the adjustment for me.  I had to change my attitude.  It took my a few years to forgive my mother for being the mother I grew up compared to the mother she is now.  What makes it even harder is that she doesn't even remember what she used to be like, much less any of my childhood.  I was able to get over it.  Yes I still struggle, a lot.  I feel guilty about my feelings of resentment and I feel guilty for wanting a normal "life".  However, I know I really have no choice.  I might complain or vent for a few minutes, but in the end I just carry on because that is all I can do.

While my mom has been stable for the past few years, I am starting to see slow signs that her MS is progressing.  This evokes so many emotions.  I am sad, that the mother I used to know is slowly slipping away.  I am becoming the soul keep of our memories.  But more importantly I feel anxiety wondering if I can truly serve as an sufficient guardian of my mother.  Every day I feel like I am struggling to stay a float myself.  I have doubts of whether I can take care of her completely by myself, not just financially, but mentally as well.

I suppose I have the fear that most people have when it comes to take care of their parents.  However the difference between me and most other people is that my worries started when I was young.  My mom is still pretty young herself.  So in my mind I wonder how can I plan for the inevitable.  Right now I can get frustrated with her what I am I going to do in a year or two?  How about if I have my own family or will that effect things?

I guess all I can do is plan what I can, and pray that God will take care of it.  People always tell me that by honoring my mother I will see my blessings.  I hope this is true, because I am in definite need of them.  I just trust in my faith that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, so I can handle this.  Right?

Sexual Faithfulness

I remember back when I was walking around campus during my freshman year at the University of Maryland.  The orientation leader told us that if anyone graduated and was still a virgin that Testudo (our beloved terrapin mascot) would grow wings and fly away.  Let's just say that I made it through virginity still in tact and Testudo is still in the same place as the last time I rubbed his nose for good luck.  

I made a conscience effort not to go into too many details about the issue of me and sex.  Somethings need to stay personal.  I believe that I can still remain transparent, open, and honest without talking revealing that aspect of my life.  However, after church yesterday I thought that I should talk about it.

The sermon yesterday at church was on sex.  It wasn't your typical sermon though.  It didn't go into saying that sex is immoral or evil or a sin.  The sermon was more talking about the beauty and the unbelievable pleasure that you get from practicing sexual faithfulness.  Sexual faithfulness means being sexually faithful to God and your spouse.  After I left church yesterday, and still today, I have been contemplating this issue of sexual faithfulness.  To put in more recognizable terms," Should I remain celibate until marriage?"  

I am not sure if I am ready to make this commitment.  I am not sure if I even want to make this commitment. Right now it is easy for me to say yes.  I am not dating anyone seriously.  I see no good prospects in the future anytime soon.  But what if I do find someone?  Can I handle the pressure?  Will I want to?  I am scared that with the dating pool being so small as it is, that I might never find someone that it is a great person AND someone who would be willing to stand by my commitment to being sexually faithful to God.  And if I don't find that person is it going to be 10 years of celibacy only to feel like I have made a mistake?  What if I resent God after that?

I don't know.  I don't have the answers.  All I know is, that I want to grow closer to God.  I want to be a better person, I want to continued to be blessed.  And I want to get married to whoever God has in place for me.  For almost 32 years I have done it my way, maybe it is time for me to do it a different way.

Dating Training

I just had an awful experience.  I met one of my last online guys (before I had again swore off online dating). I won't go into detail at this point (he might be reading this), but this makes me really wonder if men have ever been taught how to date.

One of my friends used to express her frustrating with guys and dating. She would tell stories about the guys who did not seem to know how to court a woman and how she wouldn't accept anything less than the best. At the time I didn't agree with her.  I thought well, maybe she is just being too picky and that she should cut the guys a little slack.  However, now I think I tend to agree with her.  It's as if guys have no clue.  Is it our role as women to teach these guys how to treat women?  Let me explain...

What's with the texting relationships?  Personally I love to text.  It allows me to multi-task.  Sometimes the phone makes me feel like I am in prison because I can't do other things at the same time.  I especially appreciate texts now that my phone is a little on the fritz, and I don't see the money to buy a new one coming anytime soon.  With this being said, texting and even phone calls are no substitution for actual face to face conversations.  Another one of my friends expressed her frustration with a guy she talked to on the phone for weeks but cancelled every time they were supposed to meet.  What's the deal?

Once we finally meet it seems to go downhill from there.  I feel like guys do not take into consideration being accommodating to women.  Historically, courting/dating was to woo the woman and not the other way around.  Please select a place that is either equal distance from each other or you come closer to me.  Don't make me go far out of my way.  And hanging out at your house or my house for a first date is never going to be an option.  That is not a date and it is not safe.  You could be crazy, I could be crazy.  Maybe it is worked in the past, but it is not going to work for me, and it is just going to turn me off.  If I chose to pay that is cool but I still think that women shouldn't pay at least the first few time.  If you can't afford the place pick a place that you can afford.  Not all dates have to be expensive.  One of my favorite dates was spent at the park and at the bookstore, it cost nothing.

Be respectful.  If I go way out of my way to see you I am going to need you to make time see me.  Please do not try to double book our time.  If we are getting to know each other please schedule enough time so you are not constantly checking your watch.  Maybe if we are meeting each other for the first time you should not pick an event at which you are working?  And please please please do not constantly check and/or respond to your text messages and phone numbers.  That is just rude.  When I am out with you I want to feel like I am specially and that you really care about getting to know me and spend time with me.  Perhaps if you are working at an event that should not be our first opportunity to meet.

In general my friends and I have the feeling that guys feel like women are supposed to do all of the work.  I am not sure if this is indigenous to the DMV area or not but it seems pretty prevalent here.  My friend thinks that part of the problem is that many men do not grow up with male figures to teach them what is right and wrong when it comes to how to treat a woman.   I think that may be part of it.  But the other part of me wonders if guys just don't even care anymore.  When I see the very professional men I have dated who have terrible manners, it just makes me think all men give little thought into how they treat us.

Women it is time that we stop settling for less than the best.  I am not saying that we need to be wined and dined at Ruth Chris for our first date.  All I am asking for is some thought and effort.  Make me feel like you are really interested and not that spending time with me is your only other option rather than going to sleep.

Lonely Times

This week marks four months of no communication with my ex.  Before you roll yours eyes or you think in your head "get over it already" let me explain.  This blog is a way for me to put my thoughts to "paper".  Some of my readers have praised me for my transparency, so I don't feel that it would be fair if I didn't talk about it.

With that being said I still think about my ex.  Actually in all honesty I have been thinking about all of my exs/guys that I have dated.  I think it is a natural reaction to being lonely.  I go on a few dates here and there.  I meet new people sometimes.  But really it is not the same as having that intimacy that you have with someone that you have gotten to know over time and have found a real connection.

The good memories, the inside jokes, the places we have been together.  The other day I ran very hard into my bedroom door.  For the record I was completely sober and not even sleepy, just clumsy.  This is a story that I normally would have loved to share with my ex.  He knew all too well my level of klutziness and never failed to bring it up.  There are just times when I want to share things and I have no means.

Don't worry my dear readers, I am not about to contact my ex.  Even though it can be hard sometimes to not talk to the person who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, I feel better.  Day by day I realize I did what I had to do.  Although it is hard it does get easier for me to realize that he wasn't the one for me and I deserve to be happy.  No amount of happy memories can replace the hurt and disappointment I felt.  I might be lonely now but I won't be forever :)

Online Dating part UGH

Last week I decided to reactivate one of my online dating profiles.  One of my good friends tells me I should give up.  You see the thing is I get bored and I get broke.  Online dating provides me with a way to meet new people without spending money.  Even when it is at its worst I still have an amusing story to provide to my readers and friends right?

Speaking of amusing stories, I have one that just happened today actually.  I received a message from a guy on Saturday night, yet since I was out that night I didn't have a chance to respond until Sunday.  As I quickly skimmed his profile I thought it seemed ok until I got to the bottom where it said he was interested in only casual sex.  I then politely told him that I didn't want to waste his time because that wasn't going to happen.  He then wrote me back saying he made a fake profile that night to show that people are fake and that he was about to shut down his account and if I was interested to call him.  I should have seen this as a red flag.

I proceeded to send him a text message. And then I ended up chatting with him while I was on the way to meet my friend for lunch.  I shouldn't really say it was chatting, however.  This man basically talked about how all these dating sites are fake and that women say they want one thing and then act the opposite.  Then he told me that he told me (without me asking by the way) about his horrible experiences dating women with kids and that he would never do it again as a result.  Then he got into talking about his most recent ex.  I am surprised he even got in a breath as much as he was talking.  Luckily, my call dropped when I got to the restaurant and I told him I would call him later.  He texted me back saying that he would call me back when he was done painting, this was at 2pm.

I then get a call from him at around 9pm.  Since my two favorite shows were on (Drop Dead Diva and Devious Maids both on Lifetime) I did not answer the phone.  I decided I would call him back when I could focus.  It is worth noting that during our phone conversation previously he talked about girls not being honest because he would call on a Monday and the woman would not call back until Thursday.  I told him that people are sometimes busy.  I also said that with me sometimes I don't like to talk on the phone until I actually have time to have a real conversation.

I wake up this morning and see a message from him on the dating site saying that "it isn't going to work out and that he will delete my number."

I then proceeded to send him a scathing message saying that he shouldn't talk about ex's the first time he is talking to someone and that he should probably let them speak too.  And if he gets huffy because I don't return his call in two hours that he has the issues and that he needs to examine himself.  I also said that his behavior will turn off the good women out there because I am one and I was turned off.

Yeah, I never got a response after that.  It is ok though.  I guess I dodged a bullet with that nut bag!

***UPDATE****  So I woke up to go to the bathroom this morning and couldn't fall back asleep so I checked me email.  I had a message from this guy.  I will summarize because I was so pissed off I didn't want to curse him out.  In hindsight I should have save it so you could see it word for word.  Basically he said something like he is 8 years older than me and as a result he thinks differently than me.  He knew it wouldn't work out while we talked on the phone.  He also finished by saying that "my" generation is selfish, rude, and overweight.  And he said that he is a leader and knows these things.

My online dating is on hiatus once again. lol

My thoughts on the Zimmerman Trial

So the Zimmerman trial verdict came down on Saturday.  If you are not living under a rock you know that George Zimmerman was found not guilty of committing second degree murder and not guilty of manslaughter.  I knew that I wanted to write about this topic, but I wanted to give it some time to gather my thoughts.  Here they are...

1. Everyone suddenly thinks that they are legal scholars.  I will tell you one thing I have plenty of student loan debt which I can barely pay to prove that I went to law school.  Just because you watch/listen to a case for a few weeks does not mean that you have the knowledge to make a legal opinion.
2. There a lot of people out there who have internet balls.  Meaning, they can hide behind a screen name on the internet and say the most vile things that they want but would turn around and smile in your face if you saw them in public.  Please don't waste your time with them, it isn't worth it.
3. Think back a year and a half ago when this crime took place.  Do you remember how originally the State's Attorney's office did not want to prosecute the case, but after protests they decided to file charges.  The legal system is designed to convict people beyond a reasonable doubt.  The prosecution did not meet their burden of proof and thus a guilty verdict could not be rendered.  If you look at the basics of the case it was really a he said/he said scenario, but unfortunately Trayvon Martin did not get to tell his own side.  I think I can speak for most of my attorney friends when we say that we were not surprised by the verdict.
4. Between the Paul Deen scandal and Zimmerman I really never want to hear the word racist.  Racist is a very divisive term.  Everyone uses it interchangeably with the prejudice.  Instead of using the word racist or racism let's focus on the root of the problem.
5. You don't have to be black to care about what happened to Trayvon.
6. People think that we have a black President and that everything is ok in the world.  More and more we are reminded that while we have come a long way we still have a long way to go.  Issues of race have been constructed over hundreds of years and it will take hundreds of years to fix them. 
7. I am about to take a very unpopular stance...I am tired of protests and marches.  I understand the sentimental value.  I know that it is a partially a way of honoring Trayvon.  I also know that it is a way of bringing people together to express their frustrations not just with the legal system but the constructs of society.  But in the end we can have a million marches and the same injustice will happen over and over again.  Let's move beyond the anger and beyond the marches and really accomplish something.  Sure we can change the gun laws, we can even repeal the "stand your ground law", but is that going to make the real difference?  If we really want to honor Trayvon we need millions of little discussions around the country, around the world.  Instead of hiding from people that don't look like us, talk like us, or didn't grow up the same way we need to have a dialogue about our differences and are similarities.  The only way we can start to heal and change the climate of this country is by dealing with our own prejudices.  And yes black, white, Asian, and Latino we all have prejudices.  Once we really admit that and work towards elimination that is how we can truly have justice for Trayvon.
8. I will end with this point.  Before I started this post I received an email from my Pastor David Anderson.  I skimmed it quickly, but the part that stood out to me the most was to "practice Gracism not racism".  I may be unhappy with the results of the trial and with the state of our country right now.  But one way I know that I can rise above this and continue to effect change is by practicing gracism and continuing to love others because Jesus loved me.  You don't have to be Christian to show grace, love, and respect for others.  Let us be the examples for others to follow.

Midpoint Check In

Today is June 30, the last day of June.  June/July kind of strike a midway point to the year.  I think going into July it would be a good time for me to reflect on the year so far and maybe adjust some goals in the past.

GOOD:

To begin with I think my relationship with my mother has improved.  Although she drives me nuts A LOT, I think that our relationship has grown.  I have tried to incorporate her more in activities that I do with my friends.  I guess it is killing two birds with one stone that way.  My friends don't seem to mind having girl time with "Miss Bonnie" so I appreciate that.  I can only hope that our relationship continues to grow from here.

I have been working pretty consistently.  That also means that I am getting more control over my finances.  No more do I have to duck calls from unknown numbers, or known numbers for that matter.  Even in the few instances when I am not working it seems like I have been staying pretty busy.

My social life has remained active.  I have been hanging out with my friends regularly.  I have even gone on a few dates, of course nothing has panned out.  However, I have been putting myself out there.  In that regard, I also officially officially stopped communicating with my ex.  I even decided not to contact him on his birthday.  To you it might seem like a small feat, but for me it is a big deal.

I have been getting along with my family better.  I think it is partially because I am working more.  That means that I am home less.  I just try to stay out of the confrontation zone and it seems to be working out pretty well.  I even took a big step towards the healing process by making my family dinner to eat for when they arrived home from their family vacation.  They seemed to appreciate it so that made me happy.

BAD

While my health routines started off the year pretty well, I have hit a downward spiral.  I have not going to been going to the gym for the past few weeks.  As far as eating goes, it has been no holding back.  Anything and everything has touched my lips the past few weeks.  The scale is slowly reaping the rewards :(

Spiritually this started off on a good note.  I still go to church regularly.  But at some point I started my quest to start reading the bible.  I have not joined the church yet, even though I have been taking about that for months.  Also, I have not looked into doing further ministry work.

While I have been working consistently my job search has dwindled.  Blame it on the long hours, blame it on the busy schedule, either way I have not been doing a great job.  I have gotten no more interviews recently, just rejection letters, boo!

I think I haven't done enough to pamper myself.  I did get my hair done a few weeks before, but that is not enough.  I am need for a mani/pedi, a massage, and some new clothes.  At least one of those will be happening soon (I hope).

GOAL FOR THE SECOND HALF OF THE YEAR:

I want to start off July by focusing back on myself and the things that really matter to me.  I have decided that I am going to get back to my normal health and fitness routines.  Therefore today is like the last supper for me, and that means it is involving crabs!

I am going to re-focus on my job search.  If there was one thing thing that I learned I am definitely ready for my own place.  If I get my own place I need steady income.  Therefore, it is really time to get this job search into high gear.

I also want to get back into doing things that make me happy, even if that means doing it alone, even it means that other people have to wait.  The other day I went to a wine bar by myself to blow off some steam, and I had a great time.  I love to read and sit by the pool, and I have not done this year.  I think that I really need to schedule in the time to do things that make me happy and stop feeling bad for doing it.

So what is on your list?

Note from Mom

The picture above is the note that my Mom left for me a few days ago.  It reads: "Please don't feel that you need to find someone.  A person will come around in the future.  You are the person someone is looking for..."

Normally I hate my mom's notes.  Usually they are written on random sheets of scrap paper and placed in even more random places such as the bathroom or on top of a pile of unfolded clothes.  Her notes, when I can even understand them, usually ask me to buy her lottery numbers.  I discard these notes promptly.

But this note was different.  It almost made me cry actually.  The description reminds me of a patient who one day has a lucid moment.  With one powerful note my mother became the mom I always so desperately wanted and so desperately needed.  It's a moment that I haven't had in a long time and probably won't have  for awhile.  And it couldn't come at a more perfect time.

For the past few days, weeks, months, hell this past year, I have felt like I'm in the lower part of the life curve.  I wrote about it not too long ago.  Everyone is married (even married a second time) and on their first, second, or third child.  Me, I live at my aunt and uncle's house with my mom.  No house, no marriage, no prospects in sight.  If life were the public school system I would either have been in special ed or I would have been held back a couple of times.  My relationship growth is majorly stunted.

Needless to say, I have been a little down about my singledom.  But mom sent me the reminded me what I tell my friends all the time.  We should not compare ourselves to others.  And that things happen on God's time, not my own.  I guess many sometimes I just need to hear it from someone else.

Online Convos

I opened my re-experiment on online dating a few weeks ago.  I am ready to give up again.

My first date the guy was nice, however, it looked like he had never flossed, ever.  The second guy was nice, kinda cute, but was so into watching the NBA finals game that he could have went out by himself.  I had a date scheduled last week, never heard back from the guy.  Then I had another date last week.  It started off promising. The guy seemed nice.  We went to the movies , not the best first date but seeing the Man of Steel on opening day was fun.  All was good until he found out he had to drive to Virginia to help his cousin move.  The dude was so mad that he barely said good bye.  I have one more prospect.  Not sure that it is going well.

Before I shut down my online dating again, I want to leave you with some of the best of the worst messages I have received.  Enjoy.

Him:  Hi how are you? I just wanted to know if I may borrow some of your time to talk with you with the hopes of getting to know you better? So if you're interested I hope to hear from you soon. Til then take care.

Me:  I'm good how are you. You know you can't borrow time. How are you going to give it back to me lol. It like borrowing a tissue

Him: Well see with time is like everything else. What you borrow you return in an equal quantity from a different source in this case just as you would with a tissue. It's more like a loan LOL.

Me:  You know a loan is the same as borrowing...

Person Number 2:  Howw yew feell aboutt thee samee signn I'm ann august 31 virgo

Person Number 3: I have had a few family issues with my cousin. I have trying to save him from going to jail.

Oh yeah. He has the nastiest attitude next to mine when he's angry about something. He went to bike week, and someone tried to break in his house. It's one of his neighbors.
So since they are watching him. The plan is to make it seem as if he's going back out of town to set there ass up. Together not to make it seem like a ba
d ass, but it is what it is. We aren't the type of guys to mess with real simple!
It's ok. We been a team for a long time, and I need him

Not Yet an Adult

I was having some deep thinking while I was in the car the other day.   Actually since my radio stopped working I do a lot of that these days.  Anyway, I started thinking that at 31 almost 32 I still don't really feel like adult.

Allow me to elaborate.  I feel like I am in this middle phase dilemma.  Both my parents were sick while I was in middle school.  That combined with being a very mature only child I have always felt as if my childhood was stunted.  I had to deal with a lot of things at a young age that many other people don't deal with way into their adulthood.  I was propelled into a young maturity.  Yet I still don't feel like I am fully an adult.

Yes I am a grown adult.  I have grown up bills.  I have to make grown up decisions everyday.  And by my age I am very grown.  But I look at my friends who are getting married, buying houses, and having children and compared to them I feel like I am behind.  Now it is not like I have never lived on my own.  I have for several years (and I actually miss it).  But sometimes living with family makes me feel like a child.  And yes I am grateful to have a family who helps me and my mother and I am blessed to have a roof over my head but I just feel kind of stuck in life.

I miss my alone time.  As an only child I had lots of it.  When I was living on my own I enjoyed being able to come home and dance around naked if I wanted.  I really miss cooking while listening to music with a glass of wine in tow.  Sometimes I even miss those rare opportunities when I feel like cleaning for the day.

Is it all just me not having my own place or is it something more than that?

The Clock is Ticking

No I am not referring to my biological clock.  If you know me you know that I don't want to have kids.  Although over the past few months I have been softening on the idea, but I would not feel like my life wasn't complete if I don't have kids.

Anyway, I have digressed.  The clock to which I am referring is the marriage clock.  I am starting to get scared.  In a few months I will be turning 32 and I feel like I am going to die an old maid.  I have been single for over a year with no true prospects in sight.  I know what you are thinking.  I am young.  I have plenty of time.  I don't want kids so what is the rush? All of this is easily said from my friends who are in a relationship, engaged, married and have kids. Facebook it like one big advertisement for the fact that my love life is not progressing.

I feel that the older I get the dating pool gets smaller.  I definitely believe in waiting for the right person.  My faith is definitely shaken from each terrible date and horrible ex experience.  It really makes me wonder if I should accept the fact that there might not be someone for everyone.

As much as I wanted to get married I am also terrified.  There are so many shows on tv about the struggles with marriage.  Marriage Bootcamp, Bridezillas, Couples' Therapy, The First Year, you name it there is a show for it.  Even despite its ending watching Hope Springs made me shaky about the concept of marriage.  Plus I have numerous friends that have been divorced or on their way.  It just makes me nervous about the future holds.

I know I am not supposed to compare myself to others, but that is easily said.  All I really want is to be happy and for someone else to realize how awesome I am besides me.  Is that too much to ask?