Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Un-Christian-Like Behavior

I am mad.  I am angry.  And I am not sure why no one else is.  You see several states have decided to pass laws allowing businesses to openly discriminate against homosexual people.  They write and enforce these laws under the guise of Christianity.  And that's the problem.  Discrimination is un-Christian-like behavior.  Allow me to explain.

Jesus spread a message of love.  Jesus hung out with the lowest of the low.  The biggest sinners of them all.  Yet he accepted them.  He practiced love.

When we openly discriminate against others that is not practicing love.  We are all sinners.  For some reason people think that there is a hierarchy of sins.  The truth is there is no hierarchy.  Adultery, gossiping, jealousy, homosexuality, murder, they all are sins, without a rank.  Yet people act like homosexuality is the top priority in which we should focus.

I must admit, my views on homosexuality probably don't align with the teaching of the bible.  That is a topic that I need to do more research on.  Regardless of my views, as  Christians, we are taught to love thy neighbor like we love ourselves (Matthew 22:39).  To me it is obvious that the people who think it is ok to deny homosexuals business services on the basis of Christianity are falling short.  Are these same people openly discriminating against liars and cheaters as well?  I highly doubt it.

The irony is that Indiana is one of the states to pass a gay discrimination law.  Ironically, Indiana also just declared a state of emergency over the high rate of HIV in the state.  I think that perhaps the state should take more time figuring out how to eliminate poverty, hunger,  and create economic stability rather than drafting discrimination laws.  I mean really?  Really?!?  I think that prevent people from dying might be a little more important than letting businesses discriminate against gay people.  As Christians we are also charged with the task of taking care of the sick and elderly....

As a follower of Christ, people look to us and our behavior.  To worship God is to live a life and behave in a way that honors his teachings.  When people see discrimination laws crafted by so-called Christians they are turning people away from developing their own relationship with Jesus.  In fact Christianity has been declining.   This is no surprise.  Why would you ever want to be part of a religion that openly treats people like this, that practices hate.  For centuries people have used the bible against each other.  We should instead use the bible to love one another.

Can you imagine what type of world we would have if everyone practiced loving each other instead of hating each other?

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Escaping

I have a confession.  Well I wouldn't say it is a confession.  Confessions imply guilt and I don't really feel guilty.  Anyway, I have a a truth to tell.  My truth:  I still talk to my exes.

I am one of those people who would like to actually remain friends with their exes.  Now this is not always successful.  And usually it is the least successful right after breaking up.  But in time a friendship of sorts can be possible.

It has come to my attention that I tend to talk to my exes a lot more when I am lonely.  Up until earlier this week I thought it was simply because I was lonely.  I thought that I wasn't meeting anyone who made me excited so I was trying to re-kindle the flame with someone who I at one point had feelings for.  But this week I figured it out.  I didn't want to get back with my exes.  What I really was longing for was an escape (an possibly a free meal).  Let me explain.

Dating for me is like an escape.  For a few hours a few times a week, I can escape my life.  When I am with someone else I am not the daughter taking care of her mom, I am not an employee, I am not volunteering, I am just me.  I don't have to think about how I will divide my next check or what I am going to get my mom for her dinner or whether my mom needs a nurse during the day.  I don't have to figure out how I am going to pay for the next car repairs I need or when will I finish paying off my student loans.  Or maybe when I am I going to figure out how to utilize my talents to help people.  No, on a date I get to be that flirty, sexy yet intelligent person who I love being without all of the responsibilities.  I can talk about my hopes my fears my interests.  For a few hours when I am on a date is about me.  It is an escape.  And the escape is what I need once in awhile so that I don't totally implode from stress, worry, and fear.

It might seem so simple, but it is a really big deal to me to understand this.  So now I realize that I need to make an attempt to unapologetically schedule in "me" time.  I always tell everyone else that you have to make sure to take care of yourself or you won't be able to take care of others. But the truth is, I don't practice this enough myself.  So now I am going to work on it.  Because I don't need a man for my escape (unless he is paying for a trip to a tropical place then I will consider it at least lol).

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

The One Who Got Away

Every time that I have some sort of break up I long for the day that the other person will realize how big of a mistake that they made.  For so many years  I have been waiting to hear someone say that I was the who who got away.  Yesterday my wish came true.  Someone from my past told me this very same thing.  Was it magical?  Was it exciting?  Was it a grand romantic gesture?   Honestly, it was rather anti-climatic.  The fairytail that I had had in my head that true love would work out in the end was a farce.  For the message was stale and its delivery was a few years too late.  But still my wish came true.  At least one person realized that letting me go was their bad.

Not to toot my own horn here, but I am pretty awesome.  I know I know, every person thinks that they are awesome or unique and different.  And it is true everyone is unique and different in their own ways.  But me, I am really different.  For as long as remember I was always just a little bit different than everyone around me.  I am a black girl who loves all types of music and movies.  I love to read and write.  I love sports and I love to grill food.  I like museums.  I enjoy asking my co-workers random would you rather questions.  I am a proud former band member who attended many summer camps.  I think that deez nuts jokes never get old.  I make faces at kids when their parents aren't looking.  I compliment strangers with ease.  I got to happy hours by myself and make friends with men old enough to date my mom.  Blame it on being an only child or having a experienced the death of a parent at a young age, I have learned to embrace my quirks instead of apologizing for them.

That is why I would like to think that my "exes" view me as the one who got away.  Because who else are you going to meet that is my blend of confidence, silliness, intelligence, and sexy all in one?  I am the woman who can hang out with the girls or the guys.  For me everyday is the possibility of a new adventure and every person who I meet is a new potential friend.  I can be fun.  I can be a cheerleader.  I can be caring and loving.  I can be a bitch.  I can be a mother.  I can be confidant.  I can be a coach.  And sometimes in the rarest of moments I can actually be quiet.  I can be all of these things.  Apparently I am just never what they want when we are actually together?

Sure an ex verbalizing my importance and value is flattering.  But you know what would be more flattering?  If an ex was willing to fight for me in the moment and not look back 10 years later with regret.  I want to be the woman that men fight to keep instead of being the one who got away.  How do I make this transition?  Who is going to realize how special I am now, in the moment?  Why can't I be the girl who DID'T get away?

Unfortunately, I don't have those answers.  All I can hope is that by continuing to be the person who I love,  I will find the person who loves me because of it.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

The Seasons of Friendship

People come into your life for a reason, season, or lifetime.  When you figure it out you know what exactly to do.
-- Michelle Ventor

I. Can't. Let. Go.  There I've said it.  I have an extremely hard time letting go of friendships.  Maybe even at the expense of myself.

Friendships are an important part of my life.  You see, I grew up as an only child in a small Midwestern town.  My parents were both sick at the same time and the nearest family members were hundreds of miles away.  To me, my friends were my family.  They were the only people who made my life feel normal.  So, the end of the friendship can sometimes feel like the death of a family member which is why I have so much difficulty letting friendships go.

I don't give them up without a fight though.  I am that person that can see the good sides of most people.  And even those friends who may have some major flaws I still empathize with them because I know that they are inherently good people. I will try to work on the relationship often trying to tailor the way that I say things.  I will continue in my sympathy for that person even when others around me wonder why I even bother.  But the truth is, in everything I do I like to say that I tried and I did everything I could before giving up.

But sometimes there is nothing you can do.  Friends lose touch.  We grow older.  We change.  And the changes do not all have to be negative.  The longer you are friends with someone the more that the nature of your friendship will change.

But sometimes those changes can hurt.  Someone who you considered to be a good friend will stop talking to you.  Or sometimes a friend will say something that you don't agree with and decide that you are no longer worthy of being in his or her inner circle.  Still other times you may be a part of someone's past when they are trying to forget about that part of their lives.  Sometimes in all the good will and all the trying friendships cannot sustain these types of life changes.

There are times that I look back and I feel sad about some of the friendships that I have lost.  Sometimes they were my own fault.  Sometimes I decided that I finally had to let it go.  Sometimes I am not even sure why such and such and I stopped talking.  But I still feel like that piece of me is missing.

Not everyone wants to be friends with me and that's ok.  I am not everyone's cup of tea.  I have my own issues and flaws which I probably know just about as well as you do.   I try to be the type of friend who I would want in return.  Even if that means sometimes saying or hearing things that I don't like.  But the thing about friendships is that you have to trust that your friend has your best interests at heart.  That if someone tells you something that you don't like that it does not come from a malicious place.  Friends are supposed to pick you up when are down, hold you accountable, and help guide you on the right path when you are wandering towards the wrong.  And if you have a friend who doesn't fulfill all these qualities then maybe it is time for you to let it go.

I am blessed to have some friends who I consider my family, who I believe were put in my life for a lifetime.  And because I have those lifetime friends perhaps it makes it easier to let go of the reason and season friends who are on their way out of the door.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Pass Me a Drink

Pass me a drink.  This last month I felt like having a drink just about every night.  Don't worry I am not becoming an alcoholic.  And no I am trying to drown my sorrows with a nice glass of Malbec or two.  For me a drink after work or on the weekends is a chance to socialize, and that's what I miss.

How can you blame me?  The weather is starting to get nice.  I have finally ditched my pea coat that is at least two sizes too big.  I am buying new spring clothes and showing off my new figure in the process.  I am single and ready to mingle.  I am waiting for the opportunity to flirt with a gentleman caller of reasonable character if not just for a laugh.

I miss the chance of opportunity.  That opportunity that the next guy I meet might be the one who will give me butterflies again.  I like to be out so that I can forget about my friends who are getting engaged/married/having kids.  So I will not think about being single, again.  But at the same time my singledom gives me the freedom to be the real me:  sassy, flirty, silly, fun, loud, sexy, funny, intelligent and coy all at the same time without feeling one single ounce of guilt.  For when I go straight home after work no one can see this gift in their presence.  At home I go to sleep, wake up early, and live for the weekend.  But I want to live for life.  I want to live for everyday.

I remember those days when I could call up any random friend at the spur of the moment to grab a drink and catch up.  Now it seems that everyone has to schedule an outing days, weeks, and sometimes months in advance.  I miss the days of spontaneity and not needing to drink coffee at 4 pm to stay awake until 10 pm.  

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I go out by myself.  But lately when I do I walk around for an hour because I can't decide which crowd I like better.  And by that time I am just starving and tired and the crowd doesn't matter and I didn't get to flirty with anyone because I was just looking for a seat any seat.  Yeah sad life.

So today is Thursday.  But I am just going to go home and maybe buy that bottle of wine I keep talking about which I will sip while watching Scandal.  At least that is something I can count on.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

My Ex's Wedding

One of my exes got married this weekend.  Of course I was not invited.  I happened to see the pictures on Facebook.  Am I mad?  No not all.  I am happy for him.  I always thought he was a great guy.  I still do actually.  I think nice people deserve happiness.  And I wish him well.

Am I jealous?  Yeah, probably.  Sometimes I wonder if that could have been me.  I sit around and look at my friends who get engaged, get married, and have kids one, two, and three (although I could do without kids one, two, and three).  I can't help but think why aren't I married?  And I know I am not the only one out there.

Everyone always says that you can't judge people's relationships based on what you see on Facebook and on Instagram.  I know that's true.  They say the grass is greener on the other side.  I believe it.  Some of ya'll have some messed up relationships and I thank God that is not me.  But still..  Still I want want my own "the one."  And as I get older I wonder is that still a possibility?

Don't get me wrong single life can be fun.  I like meeting new people.  I love flirting.  I love flirting and getting free things from said flirting.  I love feeling like when I am in a room I dominate the eyes of all the men and the women.  I like having a schedule that is wide open.  Being able to go where I want when I want.  I love my girlfriends and all out our crazy shenanigans. But still.  I want to be married.

Do you ever wish that you could see into the future?  Sometimes I do.  Because if I could I would want to know if I was ever going to get married.  If  I knew that it wasn't going to happen, I could live a very different life.  But without that reassurance there is always this thing called, Hope.  And because of Hope I keep meeting people and going out on dates thinking that surely God will send me my prince charming or someone close to him.  But to be honest, with each failed relationship, each time I suffer heartbreak, every time I make a decision that I know will only lead to hurt only to be hurt one more time, I lose a little hope.  And I just wonder how can you keep shining when your hope is disappearing?

I don't want to hear the usual.  That you should be happy on your own.  I am happy enough.  Or that you will meet someone when you least expect it.  I don't expect much these days so there should be a man popping up every minute right?  

And I don't feel guilty or ashamed to say all this because I am not the only one.  And I know there is nothing wrong with feeling this way, because I am not the only one who does.

In the meantime, till I do meet Mr. Right., I know that I can't compare myself to others.  That's in the bible right?  And I can't beat myself up for desiring a real love, the good, the bad and the ugly.  So I will just keep hoping.  I will congratulate my ex.  I will congratulate all of my friends who get married even if it is through my own sadness.  Because I have hope that soon people will be congratulating me.

Weight Loss Update

Hello folks!  It has been awhile since I have talked about my weight less journey.  Since I am sitting at home because of the snow I thought that today would be a good day!

A lot has happened since my last update.  Becoming a Better Me was my last post on the subject.  Looking back on it is funny how life is a cycle.  I had another "break up" with the same guy (this time permanent).  But the difference is, I didn't have to re-focus on my health and fitness, because I have never lost focus!

I feel more determined than I have in years.  I feel as determined in the point of my life when I lost 70 lbs.  And I am well on my way to that goal again.  I have been going to Weight Watchers every week.  Even if I can't stay for the meeting I weigh in.  I even go on those days when I know I have gained.  Why?  Because it holds myself accountable and it acts like a fresh start for the week.  The truth is, when I go to weigh in my "bad" weeks are never as bad as I had imagined.  I also have still been going to the gym.  You know you are a gym rat when you recognize the same people everyday.  My goal is still to go everyday but I average 5-6 days a week.  I still go bright and early in the mornings, although it is a struggle waking up when it is this colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra (excuse my midwestern slang).

However I am not perfect.  I LOVE FOOD!  And because I love food I sometimes make the wrong choices.  I have some stomach issues so sometimes the food I love does not love me back.  That's why I have been doing a 10 day green smoothie cleanse.  Today I am on day 7.  Let me tell you something, it hasn't been easy.  The first few days I had plenty of headaches and I was tired.  The good thing is I haven't been hungry.  And now that I am near the finish line I am glad that I tried it and didn't give up.  The only hard part is not having food other than apples, nuts, and hard boiled eggs.  I miss spices.  I miss flavor.  Sometimes I just miss chewing.  But I am close to the end.  I have already dropped a few pounds and will have dropped a few more just in time for my bestie's birthday festivities.  We are actually doing the cleanse together.  It definitely helps to have a friend during this.  I mean I survived Valentine's Day and Mardi Gras without eating.  Maybe that was a good thing haha.

I didn't do this cleanse to loose weight.  I really wanted to try it to restart my body.  I want to make better choices when I eat and focus more on clean eating with occasional splurges.  It hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been impossible.  But I can't wait to eat real food soon haha.

So I am proud to report that I am down a total of 26 lbs as of Saturday!  My clothes are getting looser.  Way too loose actually.  I feel my stamina and strength increasing everyday.  But most importantly I feel good.  I feel happy to spend an hour or so a day focusing on my and my health and not feeling guilty about it.  I can't wait to wear a bikini for the summer (too ambitious?).