Tuesday, February 17, 2015

My Ex's Wedding

One of my exes got married this weekend.  Of course I was not invited.  I happened to see the pictures on Facebook.  Am I mad?  No not all.  I am happy for him.  I always thought he was a great guy.  I still do actually.  I think nice people deserve happiness.  And I wish him well.

Am I jealous?  Yeah, probably.  Sometimes I wonder if that could have been me.  I sit around and look at my friends who get engaged, get married, and have kids one, two, and three (although I could do without kids one, two, and three).  I can't help but think why aren't I married?  And I know I am not the only one out there.

Everyone always says that you can't judge people's relationships based on what you see on Facebook and on Instagram.  I know that's true.  They say the grass is greener on the other side.  I believe it.  Some of ya'll have some messed up relationships and I thank God that is not me.  But still..  Still I want want my own "the one."  And as I get older I wonder is that still a possibility?

Don't get me wrong single life can be fun.  I like meeting new people.  I love flirting.  I love flirting and getting free things from said flirting.  I love feeling like when I am in a room I dominate the eyes of all the men and the women.  I like having a schedule that is wide open.  Being able to go where I want when I want.  I love my girlfriends and all out our crazy shenanigans. But still.  I want to be married.

Do you ever wish that you could see into the future?  Sometimes I do.  Because if I could I would want to know if I was ever going to get married.  If  I knew that it wasn't going to happen, I could live a very different life.  But without that reassurance there is always this thing called, Hope.  And because of Hope I keep meeting people and going out on dates thinking that surely God will send me my prince charming or someone close to him.  But to be honest, with each failed relationship, each time I suffer heartbreak, every time I make a decision that I know will only lead to hurt only to be hurt one more time, I lose a little hope.  And I just wonder how can you keep shining when your hope is disappearing?

I don't want to hear the usual.  That you should be happy on your own.  I am happy enough.  Or that you will meet someone when you least expect it.  I don't expect much these days so there should be a man popping up every minute right?  

And I don't feel guilty or ashamed to say all this because I am not the only one.  And I know there is nothing wrong with feeling this way, because I am not the only one who does.

In the meantime, till I do meet Mr. Right., I know that I can't compare myself to others.  That's in the bible right?  And I can't beat myself up for desiring a real love, the good, the bad and the ugly.  So I will just keep hoping.  I will congratulate my ex.  I will congratulate all of my friends who get married even if it is through my own sadness.  Because I have hope that soon people will be congratulating me.

Weight Loss Update

Hello folks!  It has been awhile since I have talked about my weight less journey.  Since I am sitting at home because of the snow I thought that today would be a good day!

A lot has happened since my last update.  Becoming a Better Me was my last post on the subject.  Looking back on it is funny how life is a cycle.  I had another "break up" with the same guy (this time permanent).  But the difference is, I didn't have to re-focus on my health and fitness, because I have never lost focus!

I feel more determined than I have in years.  I feel as determined in the point of my life when I lost 70 lbs.  And I am well on my way to that goal again.  I have been going to Weight Watchers every week.  Even if I can't stay for the meeting I weigh in.  I even go on those days when I know I have gained.  Why?  Because it holds myself accountable and it acts like a fresh start for the week.  The truth is, when I go to weigh in my "bad" weeks are never as bad as I had imagined.  I also have still been going to the gym.  You know you are a gym rat when you recognize the same people everyday.  My goal is still to go everyday but I average 5-6 days a week.  I still go bright and early in the mornings, although it is a struggle waking up when it is this colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra (excuse my midwestern slang).

However I am not perfect.  I LOVE FOOD!  And because I love food I sometimes make the wrong choices.  I have some stomach issues so sometimes the food I love does not love me back.  That's why I have been doing a 10 day green smoothie cleanse.  Today I am on day 7.  Let me tell you something, it hasn't been easy.  The first few days I had plenty of headaches and I was tired.  The good thing is I haven't been hungry.  And now that I am near the finish line I am glad that I tried it and didn't give up.  The only hard part is not having food other than apples, nuts, and hard boiled eggs.  I miss spices.  I miss flavor.  Sometimes I just miss chewing.  But I am close to the end.  I have already dropped a few pounds and will have dropped a few more just in time for my bestie's birthday festivities.  We are actually doing the cleanse together.  It definitely helps to have a friend during this.  I mean I survived Valentine's Day and Mardi Gras without eating.  Maybe that was a good thing haha.

I didn't do this cleanse to loose weight.  I really wanted to try it to restart my body.  I want to make better choices when I eat and focus more on clean eating with occasional splurges.  It hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been impossible.  But I can't wait to eat real food soon haha.

So I am proud to report that I am down a total of 26 lbs as of Saturday!  My clothes are getting looser.  Way too loose actually.  I feel my stamina and strength increasing everyday.  But most importantly I feel good.  I feel happy to spend an hour or so a day focusing on my and my health and not feeling guilty about it.  I can't wait to wear a bikini for the summer (too ambitious?).

Tinder Lovin' Part II

So I am back on Tinder ya'll!  You know what that means more hilarious stories to tell.  Before I start with that I will tell you about my Tinder experience Round II.

So far Round II has been a lot more smoother.  I have have gone on three dates with three very nice guys.  I am not sure if any of them will be an actual love connection, but that is not that important.  To me what is important is to know that there are nice guys out there who want to meet nice women like me.  This is very important to women who have been dating for awhile with no success or to those who feel like there are no good guys left out there.  I am here to tell you that there are, and some of them are on Tinder, at least that's what they seem like initially.  If any of these progress I will let you know..

Now on to the fun stuff.  I have decided to start capturing screen shots of the funniest things I have seen.   I decided not to post pictures of people because I decided I wouldn't want that to happen to me.  Plus these people live in the area and it is too small of a world for that. Enjoy!





Monday, February 9, 2015

Diamond

I am a diamond can't you see my shine?

This weekend I have been thinking a lot about diamonds.  And before you get excited I am nowhere close to  looking for engagement rings.  I mean for that you have to be engaging with someone and right now my mom and my friends are the only people who have been holding my interest.

So yeah, I have been thinking a lot about diamonds this weekend.  I went to women's bible study and the focus was on the diamond.  Diamonds are these hard rough things that are found in the ground. They go through years and years of pressure before they become a diamond.  When you pull them out of the ground they are not enough even cute!  Diamonds have to be cleaned off and processed before they are the diamonds that we pick out at Tiffany's or Zales.  Yet even when they are dirty and unprocessed they are still just as valuable.

Women are just like diamonds.  Fellas don't get mad at me here.  Keep on reading this isn't a man-bashing post.  But society has placed certain expectations on us women that you guys don't have.  We undergo pressure to be a good daughter, a good wife, a good sister, and good mother, a good cleaner, a good cook, and sometimes a good caregiver.  We have to juggle our schedules with others.  We have to do ten million things at once and with a smile on our face.  We are supposed to act like ladies but not be too quiet or too loud.  We are supposed to be demure but freaks in the sheets.  Women are expected to be everything at once.  And despite all this pressure that us diamonds face, we come out strong, tough, able to cut through glass and we still shine.

Yeah this all sounds good right?  We are diamonds in the rough.  We, women are precious so you men have to treat us that way.  But the truth is, we don't always see ourselves as diamonds.  We just see ourselves as dirty, low, and unworthy of being displayed for our brilliance.  We, myself included, sometimes walk around more like a cubic zirconium and less like a diamond.

I struggle with this myself, but a little differently.  You see, I think I am a diamond.  I went through my own process and realized my value.  I am a completely package head to toe waiting for a man to realize it.  The only problem is, I allow myself to be treated as less than the diamond I am.  I have allowed men to say things to me and to treat me in ways that  I didn't like.  I even justified with their stupid excuses and some lies.  Why?  Because at the end of the day with everything else I have going on, I just wanted to be loved.  I want someone to care for me the same way that I care for my mom.  I want someone to tell me that I am beautiful when I am in sweatpants or to encourage me when I feel like giving up.  I need a man who when he sees I am hurting that he cares enough to in the very least listen.  And the truth is, I am not getting this and it is up to me to make sure I do.

Now don't get me wrong.  I am ready to return the favor to a worthy man out there.  I have so much love.  I have such a big heart.  I am ready to be vulnerable and take risks in love.  I want to give my man a massage after he had a hard day at work and to have a nice dinner waiting.  I want to be his coach when he is doing something new in his life.  I want to do all of these things.  But only for someone who appreciates me for my brilliance.  Only for someone who can see my shine.  Only for someone who treats me like the diamond that I am.

So this is the first step in what could be a long lonely journey, but I am ready.  When it's dark I can provide the light because I am a diamond can't you see my shine?

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Memories

It's January.  Always in the winter I feel a little more blue than usual.  I actually self-diagnosed myself with seasonal affective disorder, appropriately labeled SAD.  I mean what do you expect?  It's cold.  It snows.  It's gray.  IT'S COLD.  What's there to like?  But I also feel down around this time due to the memories.  It was in November nearly 20 years ago that my mom was diagnosed with MS.  And it was that January when my dad was first diagnosed with Cancer.  My dad ended up passing away a few years later in February.  So yeah, I have some memories.

My mom and I had the pleasure of catching up with a friend from high school and her mom a few weeks ago.  I was a little apprehensive at first.  Not because there was any bad blood, but because it had been so long.  I was no longer that girl I used to be. But it turned out to be an amazing experience.  One that I was sad hadn't happened sooner.  It was nice to be able to share memories with people that I grew up with.  It is so interesting thinking of the person who you went to girl scout camp with now being a beautiful young woman with husband and a baby.

It was during our lunch together I was reminded of a few memories of my dad.  The one that I rarely think about is the day he died.  Before he died he had been admitted to the hospital.  His condition worsened relatively quickly.  I was in high school at the time.  By that time my mom had stopped driving.  I would take my mom to the hospital before I went to school and pick her up after.  On that day we had a call very early telling her to come in.  I didn't really think that it was odd at the time.  I went to my first class.  And then when I approached my second class I could see my guidance counselor waiting for me.  I knew what was about to happen.  I knew the news she was about to share.  I tried to prepare.  I tried to tell myself not to cry.  But I did and loud.  I cried very loudly through the length of the school.  I was so loud in fact that some people thought I was laughing.

That was all nearly 17 years ago.  The memories of my life then are fading.  The images of my dad are becoming blurry.  But missing him never changes.  I long to have his level-headed advice.  I wish he could have walked me across the stage.  I can only imagine crying to him about a break up.  Or having him walk me down the aisle when (if ever) I get married.  I wish that he could be here so we both could take care of mom.  Even though I get sad about what I will not get to experience with my dad  I will always have the memories.  And even sad memories are better then no memories.  So as my dad's death anniversary approaches I will keep thinking about him.  And I will keep hoping that I have turned out to be the type of daughter to properly honor his memory.

A Lesson Learned

A few years ago Alicia Keys had a song called "A Lesson Learned."  In the song she describes going through a break up and being hurt.  Even standing out in the rain.  But in the end she sang that it was a lesson learned.  Well right now I am having my own lesson learned.

I have been dating this guy for the past six months on and off.  The off points have always surrounded him disappearing for days at a time with vague explanations.  Almost always it was work related.  I was always able to get over it and go right back.  I knew his excuses were never good.  I knew that no matter how busy someone gets that they can always spend a minute to text a response that they are not dead or that they are busy and will hit them back later.  But I accepted that his profession required a crazy work schedule and that he was taking the steps to professionally to have more of a normal life.  I held on thinking that it would work out when in the end I kind of always felt like I was going to be hurt again.

So last night I had a dark moment.  You see I have trained myself well not to let the dark side of Di come out.  Because I know I am capable of hurting feelings and ruining friendships.  But in my quest to become more Christ-like I try to put that all on the back burner.  In the end I attempt to behave in the way that I want to be treated.  Yeah last night that was all out of the window.  A week of basically no communication turned into anger.  My anger therefore turned into me using a plethora of obscenities.  By the time I had the opportunity to have that adult conversation I wanted to have about the status of our friendship/relationship anything adult had been long gone.  I ended the evening feeling sad, embarrassed, and even confused.  The next day I feel basically the same way.  If anything I feel mad at myself for losing my composure.  However, I stand by my point that he could have contacted me no matter how busy he was.

It almost felt like if I loved him enough for the both of us that it would work out.  I mean don't get me wrong. I still love this guy.  I don't think he is a bad guy.  I don't even feel like he was intentionally trying to hurt me.  I just think that in the end he was the most important person in his life and that I should have been the most important person in mine (well besides my mom).  He said he didn't have the time for a relationship which I realized way before the cursing, I just wasn't ready to let go.  Shoot if we are really being honest I am still not ready.

So every time that I have a break up (and I say breakup loosely as we were never officially together, but that is another post) I like to have a reflection on the relationship.  So here are my own lessons learned:

1.  Don't be afraid to ask the questions.  Especially if you are afraid to ask because it could end the relationship.

2.  Stick to your principles.  You know what is right and wrong.  You can rationalize all you want but deep down inside you know when something isn't right.

3.  Don't share everything with your friends.  After the first couple of breaks I decided to keep some things to myself.  I enjoyed this because it allowed me to figure things out on my own and make my own decisions, whether they were good ones is another story.

4.  Don't be afraid to be alone.  Because sometimes being in a relationship can be much more lonely that being alone.

5.  Don't compare yourself to others.  Just because another person has a house and is married with kids doesn't mean that is what is for you.  And it doesn't mean that you are a bad person because you don't have what someone else does.  Everyone has their own paths.

6.  Working out helps deal with anger.  I should have probably went back to the gym last night before sending a screaming voice mail.  Revenge is a dish best served a couple of sizes smaller.

7.  Don't beat yourself up for mistakes.  To be honest still working on this one.

8.  On to the next.  There is always someone else out there.

9.  Know your deal breakers.  I guess it has taken me a few relationships to realize that lack of communication is mine.

10.  Know your worth.  As the once great Lauryn Hill once said, "Don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem."  #truth


Sunday, January 11, 2015

Patience is a Virtue

They say patience is a virtue.  If so it's one that I certainly don't have.  My mind is always go go go and on to the next thing.  I fully admit that patience is something that I am lacking.  But admitting is only the first step right?

This year I thought about making some attainable new year's goals.  On new year's eve I shared a few of them with some friends and they were surprised by the specificity.  But the truth is I have specific things I want to work on because I actually want to make some real changes.  I think too often with new year's resolutions is that they are too broad and too lofty and therefore easy to not take seriously.  But for me this year, 2015 is really about making some significant changes.

For me, I have decided to add increased patience on my my goals for the year.  You see my patience issues are far reaching.  I have little patience for ignorance, even though I am working on becoming more empathetic.  I have increased in patience in dealing with my mom, but I have a lot of work to do. Sometimes, I just get impatient waiting for the someone to send a text message when I see those three dots in the chat. And finally, I lack patience in myself, and in my journey.  I want to be in the next chapter because this chapter as seemed a tad bit long.

Patience is something that I have thought about for years.  Maybe even on and off I have prayed about it. But today, I decided that I am going to really work on it.  The last few days I have had some serious issues with my patience.  And instead of ranting and raving like I might have done in the past I have been doing a lot of praying.

At the end of 2014 I heard several messages on fear and trusting God.  Essentially what I gathered is that we fear because we are not trusting God enough.  I would gather that my impatience is also stemming from a place of fear.  Because in many instances I am inpatient because I expect the worst.  Therefore, if I suspect that the worst is coming than I would rather approach it like ripping off a band aid instead of slowing taking the band aid off.  My catastrophic way of viewing the world is a big problem in my life.  It not only contributes to my lack of patience but it also causes me to jump to broad conclusions based on little information.  My worst case scenario anticipation causes me a lot of undue stress and heartache.  And it is a problem that for the most part I hide very well on the outside.  But on the inside, in my thoughts, I am a crazy woman whose deepest fears play on a loop in my head.

So this whole patience is definitely going to be a challenge.  But it is something that I think is not only necessary for my health but also allow me to be one step closer to becoming the person who I want to be.