Tuesday, July 21, 2015

My Alter Ego Ethel

Move over Chris Gaines and Roman Zolanski!  Mimi and Sasha Fierce have nothing on Ethel.  Yes, I have my own alter ego and her name is Ethel.  You see Ethel is a 75 year old grandma who doesn't give a phuck!  Ethel is one bad mama jama who speaks her mind, does what she wants, and apologize to no one.  Yeah right now I am Ethel, so if you don't like it suck it!

The truth is I am getting tired ya'll.  Sometimes I am just fatigued from being the people pleaser trying to save the world.  It's exhausting!  I am constantly trying be sympathetic. I am constantly anticipating everyone's next move or lack of move so I can step in and save the day.  I feel unappreciated and neglected.  No more checking up on you texts.  No more remembering that this is the anniversary of the death of the pet that you grew up with as a child.  No more follow ups to see how your day at the dentist was.  No more phone calls to see how you are dealing with your breakup after only dating that guy for three weeks.  This is the end of me setting a time to meet up that takes into account your tardiness.  I am not going to feel bad if I go places or do something by myself.  I will not feel guilty if I don't want to go out anymore because I don't feel like driving or I would rather watch Murder She Wrote on Netflix.  Ethel will not let me bite my tongue nor will she let me stay completely quiet to avoiding hurting the feelings of a sensitive person who has no regards for my own feelings.  She will not let me play nice.  Because the Ethel in me wants me to enjoy my own life and stop worrying so much about everyone else's.  I mean clearly who is worrying about me?  No one.

Part of me embracing my inner Ethel is realizing that there are just some people who are not going to value you me as I value them.   A friend wrote a post that lifesucking and timesucking contraption aka Facebook, saying that she was going to put in as much into a friendship/relationship as she receives.  I plan on adopting the same strategy.  No more dating guys who aren't really into me (especially when I am not really into them either).

I have been told that it is my gift that I stay in touch with people, that I can sense when someone needs a word of encouragement. And while I do these things without wanting something in return, sometimes I need it.  What ya'll don't understand is that caring so much about others and internalizing their emotions is very draining.  My tank is depleted and I need to fill it up with more of me and less of everyone else.  Just because I am strong and I handle a lot of shit on my own doesn't mean that I don't need someone to check in on me dammit.  So when I feel that I don't get that type of support I just stick to myself.  Shoot sometimes I/Ethel need to be away from humans especially when they act like morons.

So today I am my alter ego, Ethel. Ethel, that ass-kicking grandma that is the biggest shit talker this side of the Mississippi and can get away with it because she is 75 and no one wants to disrespect their elders nor give her a heart attack.  Peace out biotches!

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Attempting Open-Mindedness

I am single.  I am black.  I am female.  I have no kids.  I am educated.  I am attractive.  I am caring.  I am loving.  You would think all of those I am statements that I would be able to add that I am in a relationship, but alas I am not.  I am trying to stay open-minded in this cruel dating world but I am way past the moment of putting my hands up and more at the point where I am just accepting my future life of being the weird cat lady who never leaves the house.

When did dating get so hard?  I remember a time when I had two or three dates a week.  Now if I have one date a month that would be an accomplishment.  I truly am confused as to whether my pool is smaller or if my standards are greater.  Either way, I am in a state of disgust quite often.

I think I am just smarter.  I can put things together faster.  I am not as naive and innocent as I was 10 years ago, and quite frankly I shouldn't be.  I am now confident in myself.  I know my worth, my value and my overall awesomeness.  I am aware of my flaws.  And I know that anyone who has the opportunity to be my beau will be showered with the gifts that I possess because to be around me is truly a blessing.  The problem is not me.  It can't be.  So the problem is them?

Old, young it is all the same, just meh.  I am one of those women who doesn't mind dating a guy who is 10 years older than me.  I like a little gray hair.  I like bald men.  It's all good to me.  But what is not good to me is meeting these men who are quite older than me yet act quite younger then me.  I mean perhaps it is partially me.  I am no longer this doe-eyed girl.  Now I cut straight to the point no chasers. I want a guy of substance.  This means a man who is passionate about something and knows what he wants and goes for it. I want a man to court me.  You know take me out.  Try to get to know me better.  I am tired of a "wyd" text everyday.  I am at work the same time everyday what do YOU think I am doing?   I feel like men in this area have so many options that they don't want to commit to just one woman and they don't, because they don't have to. Or maybe they are just lazy.  Or maybe they just date to have sex.  Whatever their reasoning I am not about that life.  If you want to date me you better act like it!

Despite how it sounds, I really am attempting open-mindedness!  I have tried online dating on and off.  But everyone is just kind of blah.  I try to go to happy hours and such and most of the time I end up talking to old married men.  I mean they are nice and all but that is definitely defeating the purpose.

Sometimes I wonder why I am so pressed.  I have a billion things on my plate.  I don't want to have kids.  I see the relationships of some of my other friends and it makes me want to clutch my pearls in shock and dismay.  So what's the rush?  The rush is because I don't want to be alone.  Sometimes when you are a person who cares so much for others that you just want someone to care for you.  Is that to much to ask?

I am going to try to flip the script.  Turn my grimace into a smile.  I am going to kill them with my feisty whit and charm.  I am going to be positive.  And I am going to do all of this while remembering how amazing I truly am and not lowering who I am nor my standards.  And if no one else gets it?  Well then they are morons :)