Friday, September 26, 2014

Too Blessed to Be Stressed?

Too blessed to be stressed.  Who came up with that phrase? If you Google this phrase you will find a lot of motivational pictures and even more bible verses to read, a catering company, and even a tv show.  Regardless of the number of Google hits this search has I don't agree.  If anything I am stressed because I am blessed.  HMPF!

Everyday I feel like I am playing the shell game with some part of my life.  Rarely do I think everything is great.  Usually it is most things are good and something is really bad.  Or maybe most things are kind of terrible and there might be one great thing.  But I am not sure if I can ever say that everything is great.  I am not even sure if I can say that everything is good.  Despite feeling blessed and despite feeling grateful for what I do have, I'm stressed.

So why are my blessings stressing me out?  Well remember that line from one of the billion Spiderman movies.  I am talking about the first one with Toby McGuire.  Well Peter's uncle tells him that famous line "With great power comes great responsibility."  (Side note, while I was doing the research of this quote I found out Voltaire actually said this line first.  You should read about him if you ever have the chance.)  Anyway, I feel like when you are blessed you have more responsibility and responsibility obviously goes hand in hand with stress right? I am stressed because I am blessed.

Ever since I can remember I had this thought, this strong conviction in my heart that I was destined to change the world.  Even as a child I felt like I had to hold myself to a high standard in order to step into my roll as greatness.  It was a feeling of burden.  I often felt as if I carried the weight of the world on my own rounded shoulders.  And with this burden I often, and still do feel guilty and disappointed and never satisfied.  Why?  Because I feel like I am never truly living up to my potential.   In my mind if I let myself down, I am letting the world down and therefore I am letting God down.  Tough way to view the world huh?  I am blessed with talents and abilities but I am stressed because I am not utilizing enough to effect change in the world.

I go back and forth from meeting to meeting.  I have multiple conference calls a week.  I am trying to volunteer once a month.  I am beginning to get involved more in church.  But I often find myself wondering if I am really making a difference.  I am stressed because I feel like I am wasting my blessings.  I am not blessing others enough.

While this view has continued into my adulthood it has also morphed with my increased adult responsibilities.  In church they always tout honoring your mother and father.  And when people see my mom and I together at times people will stop to tell me that I will receiving my blessings in heaven for the way that I take care of her.  But at the end of the day I never feel that I do enough.  I never have enough money.  I never have enough time.  I never have enough patience.  I am blessed to have my this amazing mother in my life but I feel stressed that I am letting her down.

So I already know what some of you are thinking.  My faith is not strong if I am stressed.  Or maybe you are thinking God has it all under control so you don't need to stress.  Let me be honest.  I don't think I am in this upper realm of understanding with my relationship with God.  Now I am not saying that I lack faith, what I am saying is I am tired.  I feel like I am constantly bracing myself for the next impact.

All I really want to do is blessed others as I have been blessed myself, stress-free.  Is it even possible?

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Too Overwhelmed for Words

I am embarrassed.  This is my first post in a couple of months.  It is not for lack of trying.  I have sat down down started typing but I could never find it in myself to actually finish.  Shoot, finishing this post may be a small victory in itself.

A lot has been going on with me.  Summer was plagued with a series of ups and downs (much like the temperatures for summer 2014).  Have you ever felt like not all aspects in your life can be in sync at once?  Through God's blessings I have had steady temp work since May.  But at the same time I feel so bored to tears.  I feel like with more money comes more bills.  I am always struggling to stay ahead.  This can't be life! Sometimes I crave quiet and stillness in my surrounding.  My brain is on overdrive most of the time. And it is exhausting.

My love life has been a whirlwind in every direction.  Sometimes really good sometimes really bad.  It can be hard to walk away when you should.  It is pretty difficult in admitting to yourself that no matter how great you think someone is and how awesome they think you are that it still may never be.  After the storm has settled your life has been shaken and in the end you are alone.  Again.  What hurts is the most is when men think I am such an amazing person, yet I am not amazing enough that they see a future with me.  I would probably rather you just tell me I am terrible then at least then I could hate you.

My spiritual journey has been at a pause.  I still go to church.  But where is my fire?  Where is my follow through?  Where is my passion?  I am stagnant.  I have not really grown.  And perhaps my lack in devotion has contributed to my feelings of being overwhelmed.

I am a tired caretaker.  I am scared about my mom's future.  I see her gradually get worse.  I see her needs expanding.  And I question to myself over and over again if I can handle this?  Am I prepared financially?  Emotionally?  At times I just feel like a terrible daughter.  This roll reversal is a battle in patience and I think I am losing big time.

But you know what, I am going to do better.  I have no choice.  Life isn't easy, this I know first hand.  But I have faced worst and I have gotten through it.  I need to get back to being me, fabulous and all.