Sunday, October 25, 2015

Dating Hiatus

My goal for Saturday was simple, spend time with mom and then to promptly ditch mom to hang out with people my own age.  Nothing against my mom.  You know I love her!  But after a few weeks of making sure everyone else was ok, after hosting people, after comforting grievers (including myself), I was ready to have a good drink, and preferably a drink with the male persuasion.  Seems easy enough right?

The day began with a question.  Would "Bow Tie", a Tinder suitor who had survived yet another instance of delete, renege on his offer to take me to the Maryland v. Penn State Football game?  After not hearing another mention of this alleged date for nearly a week, I figured that the chances were slim.  I also decided that I needed to bite the bullet and contact him because after all spending time with my mom was still on my agenda.  He finally replied to my message only to say that it was going to be "hard to link up" and that he had "friends in from college" and a "four hour exam to take tomorrow" (he's in grad school).  All of this is well an dandy, but surely none of this became a revelation the night before or the morning of said game.  And you know what I let him know that too.  I am tired of guys cancelling plans on me.  I am more tired of guys cancelling plans but waiting for me to inquire myself.  What's wrong with you dudes?

So my planned date of the week was a bust.  That meant I needed to reach out to some other guys before time ran out.  One of those guys was Troy.  I didn't disguise his name as I usually do only because he is an asshole.  You see Troy is another Tinder leftover.

There were two times in which we were supposed to meet up and something fell through on his part.  Luckily for each time plans fell through Troy decided to text me a week later as if nothing happened.  When I called him out the last time he said he would make it up, but I had never seen any type of "making it up" occur.  No, instead what I witnessed is one weak ass text message a week that said good morning beautiful.

So when I texted Troy yesterday I was not expecting much.   He told me that he was working this weekend (which in my mind ruled him out as company already).  I went on to tell him that I was tired of dealing with the wackness on men, aka Bow Tie.  Troy then proceeded to tell me that he gave up because I was always busy.  So I asked him how he would know if I was busy if he only texted me one day a week.  The conversation escalated to me telling him if he though that he really made an effort than he really wasn't the one for me and I wished him good luck and fun at work.  He then proceeded to tell me I was mentally unstable and to not contact him again.  WHAT THE F?!?!? Ladies and gents, let me tell you something.  Yes, I do have a tendency to be dramatic, over the top, and borderline crazy, but this was NOT one of those times.  At least let me earn your insult!  I am crazy because I call you out on your weak ass approach?  Strike two for Di Mo.

In my third attempt I reached out to "D".  I can't think of a worthy nickname so this will have to do.  D, another potential Tinder suitor did not have a good initial impression.  His phone conversations included a long rant about his ex-wife and not trusting people and him telling me that his only goal left in life at the tender age of 40 was to travel.  He also said, "you don't seem link a lawyer, you seem like a genuine person."  Despite all this, I still gave D a chance.  We went on a date that was nice and I enjoyed his company.  And through everything going on with my aunt he checked up on me which I really appreciated.  I decided to show my appreciation by inviting him to my friend's work event.  While he accepted on Monday by the day of the event he was "too tired", to which I told him that he needed to make up to me.  He did get some shade from me when on the same night he cancelled he bragged about all of the food that he had cooked that night.  Guess you weren't that tired huh?

So I reached out to D and suggested to him that last night would be the perfect opportunity to cash in on that make up date.  He agreed.  My only criteria is that I wanted a good drink and I didn't want to think.  The time was set for 7:00pm.  By 5 pm I had heard of no details for said date.  I asked him if he had figured anything out.  He replied by asking how far did I want to drive to meet him.  Side bar, if you are making up for cancelling on someone, wouldn't be appropriate if you met in a convenient spot for that person.  Also, what happened to picking women up from their door?  Anyway, at 6:15 despite my headache, we had decided on a place that I thought seemed like a fair distance for both to drive.  I texted him that I was leaving the house.  He told me that I was going to get their before him which was confusing for me but I proceeded onward.  By the time I got to the restaurant he asked me if I wanted to postpone since he was still 30 minutes away and stuck in traffic.  I laughed, because I was already there and this seemed like the worst day in dating ever, and told him that he could postpone and I would find something else to do.  I then began to drive 30 minutes back near my house to get a drink at a local spot.  He then called me said he was at the place and looking for me.  I texted him to let me know I left.  He seemed kind of pissed.  Should I feel bad?  Maybe, but I don't.  I said we could postpone.  I guess that means we both wasted a trip huh?

So that was yesterday.  Yesterday is when I decided that a dating hiatus was in order.  If this is what the dating pool has become then I bow out gracefully.  I told some of my girlfriends my trials and tribulations from yesterday and they all had the similar response "men suck".  And don't get me wrong, I am not some male-bashing, men-hating, bitter black woman.  I love men.  I miss men.  I would love nothing better than to spend a nice evening the company of a good man.  I am just wondering where they are?  And if you are one and I have overlooked you just let me know, equal opportunity and all ;).  But until then I am ok in the chill zone.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

The Fragile Life

I know that you all have been eagerly awaiting my next blog entry.  I am sure that you have noticed that my entries have become further and further apart.  Believe me it is not because I did not have anything to say, it's probably more because I had too much to say.  I had too much going on, too many thoughts in my head, so much contemplation on my heart, that I was overwhelmed.  I was dealing with life.

We always think that we are invincible.  It starts off when we are children.  We jump, run, bike all to the utmost levels of danger because we believe that we are superhuman.  We convince ourselves that we will never die and that we will never experience pain.  But as our flesh gets older and our minds grow wiser we know that eventually we will all experience our final day.

My aunt passed away a couple of days ago.  This is my aunt that I have lived with for the past few years.  The aunt that acted like a superhero taking care of sick family members, including her sister who is my mother.  My aunt and I could butt heads and then laugh and joke the next minute.  She would call to check up on folks regularly.  She always made sure that the house was fully stocked with ginger even though she and I were the only people who enjoyed it.  The aunt that cared so much for others that she often times neglected herself.

My aunt was surrounded by love in her final hours.  You would think that we were on Jay-Z and Beyonce status with the way that we took over the floor!  So many family members and friends were touched by a woman who believed that angels were looking down and guarding over her.  To many, she herself was an angel.

We always think that we will have one more day, one more day to say I love you, one more day to say I am sorry, one more day, to promise to stay strong for everyone.  We live such a fragile life, never knowing when our last day will be.  After my father died I made a vow to never put off saying how I feel.  I always try to let the people who I care about know how special they were/are to me.  And although I could have told my aunt more how much I loved her and appreciated her I would like to think that she knew.  I would like to believe that she passed knowing that I will take care of her sister and that she does not have to worry.  My mustard seed of faith allows me to know that my aunt is living beyond her earthly flesh among the stars.

So listen.  Don't take this life for granted.  Don't hesitate to tell your loved ones that they are loved.  As clique as it may sound you just never know when you will have that opportunity again.

Saturday, September 12, 2015

I'm Not Your Baby

There are times when I truly feel that my peculiar dislikes will leave me single forever.  I don't know what to say.  I can't help it.  There are just some things that make me feel uncomfortable and I really can't change that.  Amongst those things that drive me crazy are when guys call me a pet name prematurely.

I remembered that I wrote about the pet name thing before.  If you want to see it click here.  But it wasn't until a few days ago that I really thought about the underlying reason why I hate pet names.  Sure I don't like feeling patronized.  The ultimate black feminist in me doesn't want to be considered as an object or a little girl.  But this week I realized that there as something much deeper that bothered me.

My friend reminded me of something that one of my ex-boyfriends said while we were dating.  He was telling me a story about how one of his friends as caught calling a woman who he was dating by the wrong name.  His advice to this friends as to call every woman baby so that he never got their names mixed up.  My girlfriend shared a similar story with me that the guy who she as dating, who she found out had a girlfriend, also referred to all his female companions as baby.

The reason why I don't want to be called baby or sweetie or sweetheart or anything similar, it just doesn't feel special.  Pet names are supposed to be for someone you care about.  Someone with whom you have a connection.  When I am online dating nothing makes me feel more turned off than when a guy that I have never met all of a sudden thinks it is ok to use terms of endearment.  It to me is the same as saying I love you.  Would you say I love you to a stranger?  Of course not, unless they just gave you a million dollars! lol

So there it is. Crazy or not.  I might be too picky.  But I just want to know that I am really special.  I don't want don't want to be just one of your babies.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

My Alter Ego Ethel

Move over Chris Gaines and Roman Zolanski!  Mimi and Sasha Fierce have nothing on Ethel.  Yes, I have my own alter ego and her name is Ethel.  You see Ethel is a 75 year old grandma who doesn't give a phuck!  Ethel is one bad mama jama who speaks her mind, does what she wants, and apologize to no one.  Yeah right now I am Ethel, so if you don't like it suck it!

The truth is I am getting tired ya'll.  Sometimes I am just fatigued from being the people pleaser trying to save the world.  It's exhausting!  I am constantly trying be sympathetic. I am constantly anticipating everyone's next move or lack of move so I can step in and save the day.  I feel unappreciated and neglected.  No more checking up on you texts.  No more remembering that this is the anniversary of the death of the pet that you grew up with as a child.  No more follow ups to see how your day at the dentist was.  No more phone calls to see how you are dealing with your breakup after only dating that guy for three weeks.  This is the end of me setting a time to meet up that takes into account your tardiness.  I am not going to feel bad if I go places or do something by myself.  I will not feel guilty if I don't want to go out anymore because I don't feel like driving or I would rather watch Murder She Wrote on Netflix.  Ethel will not let me bite my tongue nor will she let me stay completely quiet to avoiding hurting the feelings of a sensitive person who has no regards for my own feelings.  She will not let me play nice.  Because the Ethel in me wants me to enjoy my own life and stop worrying so much about everyone else's.  I mean clearly who is worrying about me?  No one.

Part of me embracing my inner Ethel is realizing that there are just some people who are not going to value you me as I value them.   A friend wrote a post that lifesucking and timesucking contraption aka Facebook, saying that she was going to put in as much into a friendship/relationship as she receives.  I plan on adopting the same strategy.  No more dating guys who aren't really into me (especially when I am not really into them either).

I have been told that it is my gift that I stay in touch with people, that I can sense when someone needs a word of encouragement. And while I do these things without wanting something in return, sometimes I need it.  What ya'll don't understand is that caring so much about others and internalizing their emotions is very draining.  My tank is depleted and I need to fill it up with more of me and less of everyone else.  Just because I am strong and I handle a lot of shit on my own doesn't mean that I don't need someone to check in on me dammit.  So when I feel that I don't get that type of support I just stick to myself.  Shoot sometimes I/Ethel need to be away from humans especially when they act like morons.

So today I am my alter ego, Ethel. Ethel, that ass-kicking grandma that is the biggest shit talker this side of the Mississippi and can get away with it because she is 75 and no one wants to disrespect their elders nor give her a heart attack.  Peace out biotches!

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Attempting Open-Mindedness

I am single.  I am black.  I am female.  I have no kids.  I am educated.  I am attractive.  I am caring.  I am loving.  You would think all of those I am statements that I would be able to add that I am in a relationship, but alas I am not.  I am trying to stay open-minded in this cruel dating world but I am way past the moment of putting my hands up and more at the point where I am just accepting my future life of being the weird cat lady who never leaves the house.

When did dating get so hard?  I remember a time when I had two or three dates a week.  Now if I have one date a month that would be an accomplishment.  I truly am confused as to whether my pool is smaller or if my standards are greater.  Either way, I am in a state of disgust quite often.

I think I am just smarter.  I can put things together faster.  I am not as naive and innocent as I was 10 years ago, and quite frankly I shouldn't be.  I am now confident in myself.  I know my worth, my value and my overall awesomeness.  I am aware of my flaws.  And I know that anyone who has the opportunity to be my beau will be showered with the gifts that I possess because to be around me is truly a blessing.  The problem is not me.  It can't be.  So the problem is them?

Old, young it is all the same, just meh.  I am one of those women who doesn't mind dating a guy who is 10 years older than me.  I like a little gray hair.  I like bald men.  It's all good to me.  But what is not good to me is meeting these men who are quite older than me yet act quite younger then me.  I mean perhaps it is partially me.  I am no longer this doe-eyed girl.  Now I cut straight to the point no chasers. I want a guy of substance.  This means a man who is passionate about something and knows what he wants and goes for it. I want a man to court me.  You know take me out.  Try to get to know me better.  I am tired of a "wyd" text everyday.  I am at work the same time everyday what do YOU think I am doing?   I feel like men in this area have so many options that they don't want to commit to just one woman and they don't, because they don't have to. Or maybe they are just lazy.  Or maybe they just date to have sex.  Whatever their reasoning I am not about that life.  If you want to date me you better act like it!

Despite how it sounds, I really am attempting open-mindedness!  I have tried online dating on and off.  But everyone is just kind of blah.  I try to go to happy hours and such and most of the time I end up talking to old married men.  I mean they are nice and all but that is definitely defeating the purpose.

Sometimes I wonder why I am so pressed.  I have a billion things on my plate.  I don't want to have kids.  I see the relationships of some of my other friends and it makes me want to clutch my pearls in shock and dismay.  So what's the rush?  The rush is because I don't want to be alone.  Sometimes when you are a person who cares so much for others that you just want someone to care for you.  Is that to much to ask?

I am going to try to flip the script.  Turn my grimace into a smile.  I am going to kill them with my feisty whit and charm.  I am going to be positive.  And I am going to do all of this while remembering how amazing I truly am and not lowering who I am nor my standards.  And if no one else gets it?  Well then they are morons :)

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Rage Against the Machine

On April 12, 2015 Freddie Gray, an African-American male was arrested by the Baltimore City Police Department.  On April 19th, Freddie Gray died as a result of the injuries that he suffered while under the care of that same police department.  This event sparked a series of events in Baltimore. Most were peaceful and unifying.  A small portion, heavily focused on by the media, were violent. But it is the death of Freddie Gray that has added another dimension to the discussion of police brutality, racial inequalities and the communities that are effected.  But this post is not about police brutality.  It is about Baltimore and other urban communities in the like.

You see the scenes from Baltimore really weighed heavily on my heart.  I used to work in Baltimore.  I interned there, I was a law clerk there, and I  was an attorney there.  As an attorney I represented children in child abuse and neglect cases.  My clients, children, lived in communities that have been ignored by the "leadership" of the city for some time.

These children represent the rage against the machine.  Cycles of poverty are generational.  Insufficient educational systems, lack of jobs, lack of access to proper health care, homelessness, and just a general lack of hope lay the foundation for a city of rage.  I have seen parents who go to the Department of Social Services for help and who then ended up being involved in the system for years.  The children I represented have lived in an environment where they have been forgotten for many years.

So it has taken rage and anger for people to finally listen. It has taken damaged vehicles, fires, and broken windows to remind the world of the people who they can no longer conveniently ignore.  No longer can you visit Baltimore and walk along the peaceful inner harbor, catch a game at Camden Yards, or stroll throw the cobble stoned streets of Fells Point without remembering the images that became emblazoned upon every tv set around the nation and around the world.

Let me make this clear.  I do not condone violence.  I especially do not condone children, yes children, not thugs, to commit crimes.  I understand the anger.  But I also understand that the police are taking all these pictures and videos and are using them to identify each person including, juveniles, who were involved.  As a result, these same kids will now be entering the system that they were trying to fight.  And let me tell you, once you are in the system it is very hard to get out.  It is a system with cracks.  A system that I have been trying to fix, so I know it well.

So why I am I writing this now?  So that we don't forget.  Change in Baltimore is not going to come from the prosecution of the officers involved.  Nor will it occur with body cameras for officers.  Change is going to take a multi-disciplinary approach with the community spearheading the change.  Not Al Sharpton.  I am talking about the men and women who have lived in the same house for 30 years.  The aunties and uncles who know the community.  We need young adults to step up and and claim their neighborhoods.  But we also need lawyers, doctors, teachers, police officers, scientists, architects, nutritionists, social workers, everyone working together to create several systematic changes.  It is going to take a lot of dialogue, a lot of time, and a lot of money.  It is going to involve moments of discomfort, but change usually does.  There are people who have already been doing the work, but they need help and resources.

Some people are tired of talking about race.  But the issues of race, poverty, and economic status are intertwined.  We need to keep talking.  We need to keep healing.  And we all need to have conversations that will stretch our understanding and tolerance of others' feelings and cultures.  Fear can serve as a catalyst for negative behavior.  It is time to erase this fear that we all have of each other.

Let's not let Freddie Gray's death be in vain.  No more teachable moments.  This time let's start a real substantive change in Baltimore that can be replicated across the country.  Let us no longer turn a blind eye to those issues that might not effect us on a personal level.  Because the truth is what happens in the inner city of Baltimore effects us all.  We are an inter-connected society and it is time that we start acting like it.  Their rage is my rage too.  I can't wait to see what comes out of the ashes...

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Un-Christian-Like Behavior

I am mad.  I am angry.  And I am not sure why no one else is.  You see several states have decided to pass laws allowing businesses to openly discriminate against homosexual people.  They write and enforce these laws under the guise of Christianity.  And that's the problem.  Discrimination is un-Christian-like behavior.  Allow me to explain.

Jesus spread a message of love.  Jesus hung out with the lowest of the low.  The biggest sinners of them all.  Yet he accepted them.  He practiced love.

When we openly discriminate against others that is not practicing love.  We are all sinners.  For some reason people think that there is a hierarchy of sins.  The truth is there is no hierarchy.  Adultery, gossiping, jealousy, homosexuality, murder, they all are sins, without a rank.  Yet people act like homosexuality is the top priority in which we should focus.

I must admit, my views on homosexuality probably don't align with the teaching of the bible.  That is a topic that I need to do more research on.  Regardless of my views, as  Christians, we are taught to love thy neighbor like we love ourselves (Matthew 22:39).  To me it is obvious that the people who think it is ok to deny homosexuals business services on the basis of Christianity are falling short.  Are these same people openly discriminating against liars and cheaters as well?  I highly doubt it.

The irony is that Indiana is one of the states to pass a gay discrimination law.  Ironically, Indiana also just declared a state of emergency over the high rate of HIV in the state.  I think that perhaps the state should take more time figuring out how to eliminate poverty, hunger,  and create economic stability rather than drafting discrimination laws.  I mean really?  Really?!?  I think that prevent people from dying might be a little more important than letting businesses discriminate against gay people.  As Christians we are also charged with the task of taking care of the sick and elderly....

As a follower of Christ, people look to us and our behavior.  To worship God is to live a life and behave in a way that honors his teachings.  When people see discrimination laws crafted by so-called Christians they are turning people away from developing their own relationship with Jesus.  In fact Christianity has been declining.   This is no surprise.  Why would you ever want to be part of a religion that openly treats people like this, that practices hate.  For centuries people have used the bible against each other.  We should instead use the bible to love one another.

Can you imagine what type of world we would have if everyone practiced loving each other instead of hating each other?

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Escaping

I have a confession.  Well I wouldn't say it is a confession.  Confessions imply guilt and I don't really feel guilty.  Anyway, I have a a truth to tell.  My truth:  I still talk to my exes.

I am one of those people who would like to actually remain friends with their exes.  Now this is not always successful.  And usually it is the least successful right after breaking up.  But in time a friendship of sorts can be possible.

It has come to my attention that I tend to talk to my exes a lot more when I am lonely.  Up until earlier this week I thought it was simply because I was lonely.  I thought that I wasn't meeting anyone who made me excited so I was trying to re-kindle the flame with someone who I at one point had feelings for.  But this week I figured it out.  I didn't want to get back with my exes.  What I really was longing for was an escape (an possibly a free meal).  Let me explain.

Dating for me is like an escape.  For a few hours a few times a week, I can escape my life.  When I am with someone else I am not the daughter taking care of her mom, I am not an employee, I am not volunteering, I am just me.  I don't have to think about how I will divide my next check or what I am going to get my mom for her dinner or whether my mom needs a nurse during the day.  I don't have to figure out how I am going to pay for the next car repairs I need or when will I finish paying off my student loans.  Or maybe when I am I going to figure out how to utilize my talents to help people.  No, on a date I get to be that flirty, sexy yet intelligent person who I love being without all of the responsibilities.  I can talk about my hopes my fears my interests.  For a few hours when I am on a date is about me.  It is an escape.  And the escape is what I need once in awhile so that I don't totally implode from stress, worry, and fear.

It might seem so simple, but it is a really big deal to me to understand this.  So now I realize that I need to make an attempt to unapologetically schedule in "me" time.  I always tell everyone else that you have to make sure to take care of yourself or you won't be able to take care of others. But the truth is, I don't practice this enough myself.  So now I am going to work on it.  Because I don't need a man for my escape (unless he is paying for a trip to a tropical place then I will consider it at least lol).

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

The One Who Got Away

Every time that I have some sort of break up I long for the day that the other person will realize how big of a mistake that they made.  For so many years  I have been waiting to hear someone say that I was the who who got away.  Yesterday my wish came true.  Someone from my past told me this very same thing.  Was it magical?  Was it exciting?  Was it a grand romantic gesture?   Honestly, it was rather anti-climatic.  The fairytail that I had had in my head that true love would work out in the end was a farce.  For the message was stale and its delivery was a few years too late.  But still my wish came true.  At least one person realized that letting me go was their bad.

Not to toot my own horn here, but I am pretty awesome.  I know I know, every person thinks that they are awesome or unique and different.  And it is true everyone is unique and different in their own ways.  But me, I am really different.  For as long as remember I was always just a little bit different than everyone around me.  I am a black girl who loves all types of music and movies.  I love to read and write.  I love sports and I love to grill food.  I like museums.  I enjoy asking my co-workers random would you rather questions.  I am a proud former band member who attended many summer camps.  I think that deez nuts jokes never get old.  I make faces at kids when their parents aren't looking.  I compliment strangers with ease.  I got to happy hours by myself and make friends with men old enough to date my mom.  Blame it on being an only child or having a experienced the death of a parent at a young age, I have learned to embrace my quirks instead of apologizing for them.

That is why I would like to think that my "exes" view me as the one who got away.  Because who else are you going to meet that is my blend of confidence, silliness, intelligence, and sexy all in one?  I am the woman who can hang out with the girls or the guys.  For me everyday is the possibility of a new adventure and every person who I meet is a new potential friend.  I can be fun.  I can be a cheerleader.  I can be caring and loving.  I can be a bitch.  I can be a mother.  I can be confidant.  I can be a coach.  And sometimes in the rarest of moments I can actually be quiet.  I can be all of these things.  Apparently I am just never what they want when we are actually together?

Sure an ex verbalizing my importance and value is flattering.  But you know what would be more flattering?  If an ex was willing to fight for me in the moment and not look back 10 years later with regret.  I want to be the woman that men fight to keep instead of being the one who got away.  How do I make this transition?  Who is going to realize how special I am now, in the moment?  Why can't I be the girl who DID'T get away?

Unfortunately, I don't have those answers.  All I can hope is that by continuing to be the person who I love,  I will find the person who loves me because of it.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

The Seasons of Friendship

People come into your life for a reason, season, or lifetime.  When you figure it out you know what exactly to do.
-- Michelle Ventor

I. Can't. Let. Go.  There I've said it.  I have an extremely hard time letting go of friendships.  Maybe even at the expense of myself.

Friendships are an important part of my life.  You see, I grew up as an only child in a small Midwestern town.  My parents were both sick at the same time and the nearest family members were hundreds of miles away.  To me, my friends were my family.  They were the only people who made my life feel normal.  So, the end of the friendship can sometimes feel like the death of a family member which is why I have so much difficulty letting friendships go.

I don't give them up without a fight though.  I am that person that can see the good sides of most people.  And even those friends who may have some major flaws I still empathize with them because I know that they are inherently good people. I will try to work on the relationship often trying to tailor the way that I say things.  I will continue in my sympathy for that person even when others around me wonder why I even bother.  But the truth is, in everything I do I like to say that I tried and I did everything I could before giving up.

But sometimes there is nothing you can do.  Friends lose touch.  We grow older.  We change.  And the changes do not all have to be negative.  The longer you are friends with someone the more that the nature of your friendship will change.

But sometimes those changes can hurt.  Someone who you considered to be a good friend will stop talking to you.  Or sometimes a friend will say something that you don't agree with and decide that you are no longer worthy of being in his or her inner circle.  Still other times you may be a part of someone's past when they are trying to forget about that part of their lives.  Sometimes in all the good will and all the trying friendships cannot sustain these types of life changes.

There are times that I look back and I feel sad about some of the friendships that I have lost.  Sometimes they were my own fault.  Sometimes I decided that I finally had to let it go.  Sometimes I am not even sure why such and such and I stopped talking.  But I still feel like that piece of me is missing.

Not everyone wants to be friends with me and that's ok.  I am not everyone's cup of tea.  I have my own issues and flaws which I probably know just about as well as you do.   I try to be the type of friend who I would want in return.  Even if that means sometimes saying or hearing things that I don't like.  But the thing about friendships is that you have to trust that your friend has your best interests at heart.  That if someone tells you something that you don't like that it does not come from a malicious place.  Friends are supposed to pick you up when are down, hold you accountable, and help guide you on the right path when you are wandering towards the wrong.  And if you have a friend who doesn't fulfill all these qualities then maybe it is time for you to let it go.

I am blessed to have some friends who I consider my family, who I believe were put in my life for a lifetime.  And because I have those lifetime friends perhaps it makes it easier to let go of the reason and season friends who are on their way out of the door.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Pass Me a Drink

Pass me a drink.  This last month I felt like having a drink just about every night.  Don't worry I am not becoming an alcoholic.  And no I am trying to drown my sorrows with a nice glass of Malbec or two.  For me a drink after work or on the weekends is a chance to socialize, and that's what I miss.

How can you blame me?  The weather is starting to get nice.  I have finally ditched my pea coat that is at least two sizes too big.  I am buying new spring clothes and showing off my new figure in the process.  I am single and ready to mingle.  I am waiting for the opportunity to flirt with a gentleman caller of reasonable character if not just for a laugh.

I miss the chance of opportunity.  That opportunity that the next guy I meet might be the one who will give me butterflies again.  I like to be out so that I can forget about my friends who are getting engaged/married/having kids.  So I will not think about being single, again.  But at the same time my singledom gives me the freedom to be the real me:  sassy, flirty, silly, fun, loud, sexy, funny, intelligent and coy all at the same time without feeling one single ounce of guilt.  For when I go straight home after work no one can see this gift in their presence.  At home I go to sleep, wake up early, and live for the weekend.  But I want to live for life.  I want to live for everyday.

I remember those days when I could call up any random friend at the spur of the moment to grab a drink and catch up.  Now it seems that everyone has to schedule an outing days, weeks, and sometimes months in advance.  I miss the days of spontaneity and not needing to drink coffee at 4 pm to stay awake until 10 pm.  

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I go out by myself.  But lately when I do I walk around for an hour because I can't decide which crowd I like better.  And by that time I am just starving and tired and the crowd doesn't matter and I didn't get to flirty with anyone because I was just looking for a seat any seat.  Yeah sad life.

So today is Thursday.  But I am just going to go home and maybe buy that bottle of wine I keep talking about which I will sip while watching Scandal.  At least that is something I can count on.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

My Ex's Wedding

One of my exes got married this weekend.  Of course I was not invited.  I happened to see the pictures on Facebook.  Am I mad?  No not all.  I am happy for him.  I always thought he was a great guy.  I still do actually.  I think nice people deserve happiness.  And I wish him well.

Am I jealous?  Yeah, probably.  Sometimes I wonder if that could have been me.  I sit around and look at my friends who get engaged, get married, and have kids one, two, and three (although I could do without kids one, two, and three).  I can't help but think why aren't I married?  And I know I am not the only one out there.

Everyone always says that you can't judge people's relationships based on what you see on Facebook and on Instagram.  I know that's true.  They say the grass is greener on the other side.  I believe it.  Some of ya'll have some messed up relationships and I thank God that is not me.  But still..  Still I want want my own "the one."  And as I get older I wonder is that still a possibility?

Don't get me wrong single life can be fun.  I like meeting new people.  I love flirting.  I love flirting and getting free things from said flirting.  I love feeling like when I am in a room I dominate the eyes of all the men and the women.  I like having a schedule that is wide open.  Being able to go where I want when I want.  I love my girlfriends and all out our crazy shenanigans. But still.  I want to be married.

Do you ever wish that you could see into the future?  Sometimes I do.  Because if I could I would want to know if I was ever going to get married.  If  I knew that it wasn't going to happen, I could live a very different life.  But without that reassurance there is always this thing called, Hope.  And because of Hope I keep meeting people and going out on dates thinking that surely God will send me my prince charming or someone close to him.  But to be honest, with each failed relationship, each time I suffer heartbreak, every time I make a decision that I know will only lead to hurt only to be hurt one more time, I lose a little hope.  And I just wonder how can you keep shining when your hope is disappearing?

I don't want to hear the usual.  That you should be happy on your own.  I am happy enough.  Or that you will meet someone when you least expect it.  I don't expect much these days so there should be a man popping up every minute right?  

And I don't feel guilty or ashamed to say all this because I am not the only one.  And I know there is nothing wrong with feeling this way, because I am not the only one who does.

In the meantime, till I do meet Mr. Right., I know that I can't compare myself to others.  That's in the bible right?  And I can't beat myself up for desiring a real love, the good, the bad and the ugly.  So I will just keep hoping.  I will congratulate my ex.  I will congratulate all of my friends who get married even if it is through my own sadness.  Because I have hope that soon people will be congratulating me.

Weight Loss Update

Hello folks!  It has been awhile since I have talked about my weight less journey.  Since I am sitting at home because of the snow I thought that today would be a good day!

A lot has happened since my last update.  Becoming a Better Me was my last post on the subject.  Looking back on it is funny how life is a cycle.  I had another "break up" with the same guy (this time permanent).  But the difference is, I didn't have to re-focus on my health and fitness, because I have never lost focus!

I feel more determined than I have in years.  I feel as determined in the point of my life when I lost 70 lbs.  And I am well on my way to that goal again.  I have been going to Weight Watchers every week.  Even if I can't stay for the meeting I weigh in.  I even go on those days when I know I have gained.  Why?  Because it holds myself accountable and it acts like a fresh start for the week.  The truth is, when I go to weigh in my "bad" weeks are never as bad as I had imagined.  I also have still been going to the gym.  You know you are a gym rat when you recognize the same people everyday.  My goal is still to go everyday but I average 5-6 days a week.  I still go bright and early in the mornings, although it is a struggle waking up when it is this colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra (excuse my midwestern slang).

However I am not perfect.  I LOVE FOOD!  And because I love food I sometimes make the wrong choices.  I have some stomach issues so sometimes the food I love does not love me back.  That's why I have been doing a 10 day green smoothie cleanse.  Today I am on day 7.  Let me tell you something, it hasn't been easy.  The first few days I had plenty of headaches and I was tired.  The good thing is I haven't been hungry.  And now that I am near the finish line I am glad that I tried it and didn't give up.  The only hard part is not having food other than apples, nuts, and hard boiled eggs.  I miss spices.  I miss flavor.  Sometimes I just miss chewing.  But I am close to the end.  I have already dropped a few pounds and will have dropped a few more just in time for my bestie's birthday festivities.  We are actually doing the cleanse together.  It definitely helps to have a friend during this.  I mean I survived Valentine's Day and Mardi Gras without eating.  Maybe that was a good thing haha.

I didn't do this cleanse to loose weight.  I really wanted to try it to restart my body.  I want to make better choices when I eat and focus more on clean eating with occasional splurges.  It hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been impossible.  But I can't wait to eat real food soon haha.

So I am proud to report that I am down a total of 26 lbs as of Saturday!  My clothes are getting looser.  Way too loose actually.  I feel my stamina and strength increasing everyday.  But most importantly I feel good.  I feel happy to spend an hour or so a day focusing on my and my health and not feeling guilty about it.  I can't wait to wear a bikini for the summer (too ambitious?).

Tinder Lovin' Part II

So I am back on Tinder ya'll!  You know what that means more hilarious stories to tell.  Before I start with that I will tell you about my Tinder experience Round II.

So far Round II has been a lot more smoother.  I have have gone on three dates with three very nice guys.  I am not sure if any of them will be an actual love connection, but that is not that important.  To me what is important is to know that there are nice guys out there who want to meet nice women like me.  This is very important to women who have been dating for awhile with no success or to those who feel like there are no good guys left out there.  I am here to tell you that there are, and some of them are on Tinder, at least that's what they seem like initially.  If any of these progress I will let you know..

Now on to the fun stuff.  I have decided to start capturing screen shots of the funniest things I have seen.   I decided not to post pictures of people because I decided I wouldn't want that to happen to me.  Plus these people live in the area and it is too small of a world for that. Enjoy!





Monday, February 9, 2015

Diamond

I am a diamond can't you see my shine?

This weekend I have been thinking a lot about diamonds.  And before you get excited I am nowhere close to  looking for engagement rings.  I mean for that you have to be engaging with someone and right now my mom and my friends are the only people who have been holding my interest.

So yeah, I have been thinking a lot about diamonds this weekend.  I went to women's bible study and the focus was on the diamond.  Diamonds are these hard rough things that are found in the ground. They go through years and years of pressure before they become a diamond.  When you pull them out of the ground they are not enough even cute!  Diamonds have to be cleaned off and processed before they are the diamonds that we pick out at Tiffany's or Zales.  Yet even when they are dirty and unprocessed they are still just as valuable.

Women are just like diamonds.  Fellas don't get mad at me here.  Keep on reading this isn't a man-bashing post.  But society has placed certain expectations on us women that you guys don't have.  We undergo pressure to be a good daughter, a good wife, a good sister, and good mother, a good cleaner, a good cook, and sometimes a good caregiver.  We have to juggle our schedules with others.  We have to do ten million things at once and with a smile on our face.  We are supposed to act like ladies but not be too quiet or too loud.  We are supposed to be demure but freaks in the sheets.  Women are expected to be everything at once.  And despite all this pressure that us diamonds face, we come out strong, tough, able to cut through glass and we still shine.

Yeah this all sounds good right?  We are diamonds in the rough.  We, women are precious so you men have to treat us that way.  But the truth is, we don't always see ourselves as diamonds.  We just see ourselves as dirty, low, and unworthy of being displayed for our brilliance.  We, myself included, sometimes walk around more like a cubic zirconium and less like a diamond.

I struggle with this myself, but a little differently.  You see, I think I am a diamond.  I went through my own process and realized my value.  I am a completely package head to toe waiting for a man to realize it.  The only problem is, I allow myself to be treated as less than the diamond I am.  I have allowed men to say things to me and to treat me in ways that  I didn't like.  I even justified with their stupid excuses and some lies.  Why?  Because at the end of the day with everything else I have going on, I just wanted to be loved.  I want someone to care for me the same way that I care for my mom.  I want someone to tell me that I am beautiful when I am in sweatpants or to encourage me when I feel like giving up.  I need a man who when he sees I am hurting that he cares enough to in the very least listen.  And the truth is, I am not getting this and it is up to me to make sure I do.

Now don't get me wrong.  I am ready to return the favor to a worthy man out there.  I have so much love.  I have such a big heart.  I am ready to be vulnerable and take risks in love.  I want to give my man a massage after he had a hard day at work and to have a nice dinner waiting.  I want to be his coach when he is doing something new in his life.  I want to do all of these things.  But only for someone who appreciates me for my brilliance.  Only for someone who can see my shine.  Only for someone who treats me like the diamond that I am.

So this is the first step in what could be a long lonely journey, but I am ready.  When it's dark I can provide the light because I am a diamond can't you see my shine?

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Memories

It's January.  Always in the winter I feel a little more blue than usual.  I actually self-diagnosed myself with seasonal affective disorder, appropriately labeled SAD.  I mean what do you expect?  It's cold.  It snows.  It's gray.  IT'S COLD.  What's there to like?  But I also feel down around this time due to the memories.  It was in November nearly 20 years ago that my mom was diagnosed with MS.  And it was that January when my dad was first diagnosed with Cancer.  My dad ended up passing away a few years later in February.  So yeah, I have some memories.

My mom and I had the pleasure of catching up with a friend from high school and her mom a few weeks ago.  I was a little apprehensive at first.  Not because there was any bad blood, but because it had been so long.  I was no longer that girl I used to be. But it turned out to be an amazing experience.  One that I was sad hadn't happened sooner.  It was nice to be able to share memories with people that I grew up with.  It is so interesting thinking of the person who you went to girl scout camp with now being a beautiful young woman with husband and a baby.

It was during our lunch together I was reminded of a few memories of my dad.  The one that I rarely think about is the day he died.  Before he died he had been admitted to the hospital.  His condition worsened relatively quickly.  I was in high school at the time.  By that time my mom had stopped driving.  I would take my mom to the hospital before I went to school and pick her up after.  On that day we had a call very early telling her to come in.  I didn't really think that it was odd at the time.  I went to my first class.  And then when I approached my second class I could see my guidance counselor waiting for me.  I knew what was about to happen.  I knew the news she was about to share.  I tried to prepare.  I tried to tell myself not to cry.  But I did and loud.  I cried very loudly through the length of the school.  I was so loud in fact that some people thought I was laughing.

That was all nearly 17 years ago.  The memories of my life then are fading.  The images of my dad are becoming blurry.  But missing him never changes.  I long to have his level-headed advice.  I wish he could have walked me across the stage.  I can only imagine crying to him about a break up.  Or having him walk me down the aisle when (if ever) I get married.  I wish that he could be here so we both could take care of mom.  Even though I get sad about what I will not get to experience with my dad  I will always have the memories.  And even sad memories are better then no memories.  So as my dad's death anniversary approaches I will keep thinking about him.  And I will keep hoping that I have turned out to be the type of daughter to properly honor his memory.

A Lesson Learned

A few years ago Alicia Keys had a song called "A Lesson Learned."  In the song she describes going through a break up and being hurt.  Even standing out in the rain.  But in the end she sang that it was a lesson learned.  Well right now I am having my own lesson learned.

I have been dating this guy for the past six months on and off.  The off points have always surrounded him disappearing for days at a time with vague explanations.  Almost always it was work related.  I was always able to get over it and go right back.  I knew his excuses were never good.  I knew that no matter how busy someone gets that they can always spend a minute to text a response that they are not dead or that they are busy and will hit them back later.  But I accepted that his profession required a crazy work schedule and that he was taking the steps to professionally to have more of a normal life.  I held on thinking that it would work out when in the end I kind of always felt like I was going to be hurt again.

So last night I had a dark moment.  You see I have trained myself well not to let the dark side of Di come out.  Because I know I am capable of hurting feelings and ruining friendships.  But in my quest to become more Christ-like I try to put that all on the back burner.  In the end I attempt to behave in the way that I want to be treated.  Yeah last night that was all out of the window.  A week of basically no communication turned into anger.  My anger therefore turned into me using a plethora of obscenities.  By the time I had the opportunity to have that adult conversation I wanted to have about the status of our friendship/relationship anything adult had been long gone.  I ended the evening feeling sad, embarrassed, and even confused.  The next day I feel basically the same way.  If anything I feel mad at myself for losing my composure.  However, I stand by my point that he could have contacted me no matter how busy he was.

It almost felt like if I loved him enough for the both of us that it would work out.  I mean don't get me wrong. I still love this guy.  I don't think he is a bad guy.  I don't even feel like he was intentionally trying to hurt me.  I just think that in the end he was the most important person in his life and that I should have been the most important person in mine (well besides my mom).  He said he didn't have the time for a relationship which I realized way before the cursing, I just wasn't ready to let go.  Shoot if we are really being honest I am still not ready.

So every time that I have a break up (and I say breakup loosely as we were never officially together, but that is another post) I like to have a reflection on the relationship.  So here are my own lessons learned:

1.  Don't be afraid to ask the questions.  Especially if you are afraid to ask because it could end the relationship.

2.  Stick to your principles.  You know what is right and wrong.  You can rationalize all you want but deep down inside you know when something isn't right.

3.  Don't share everything with your friends.  After the first couple of breaks I decided to keep some things to myself.  I enjoyed this because it allowed me to figure things out on my own and make my own decisions, whether they were good ones is another story.

4.  Don't be afraid to be alone.  Because sometimes being in a relationship can be much more lonely that being alone.

5.  Don't compare yourself to others.  Just because another person has a house and is married with kids doesn't mean that is what is for you.  And it doesn't mean that you are a bad person because you don't have what someone else does.  Everyone has their own paths.

6.  Working out helps deal with anger.  I should have probably went back to the gym last night before sending a screaming voice mail.  Revenge is a dish best served a couple of sizes smaller.

7.  Don't beat yourself up for mistakes.  To be honest still working on this one.

8.  On to the next.  There is always someone else out there.

9.  Know your deal breakers.  I guess it has taken me a few relationships to realize that lack of communication is mine.

10.  Know your worth.  As the once great Lauryn Hill once said, "Don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem."  #truth


Sunday, January 11, 2015

Patience is a Virtue

They say patience is a virtue.  If so it's one that I certainly don't have.  My mind is always go go go and on to the next thing.  I fully admit that patience is something that I am lacking.  But admitting is only the first step right?

This year I thought about making some attainable new year's goals.  On new year's eve I shared a few of them with some friends and they were surprised by the specificity.  But the truth is I have specific things I want to work on because I actually want to make some real changes.  I think too often with new year's resolutions is that they are too broad and too lofty and therefore easy to not take seriously.  But for me this year, 2015 is really about making some significant changes.

For me, I have decided to add increased patience on my my goals for the year.  You see my patience issues are far reaching.  I have little patience for ignorance, even though I am working on becoming more empathetic.  I have increased in patience in dealing with my mom, but I have a lot of work to do. Sometimes, I just get impatient waiting for the someone to send a text message when I see those three dots in the chat. And finally, I lack patience in myself, and in my journey.  I want to be in the next chapter because this chapter as seemed a tad bit long.

Patience is something that I have thought about for years.  Maybe even on and off I have prayed about it. But today, I decided that I am going to really work on it.  The last few days I have had some serious issues with my patience.  And instead of ranting and raving like I might have done in the past I have been doing a lot of praying.

At the end of 2014 I heard several messages on fear and trusting God.  Essentially what I gathered is that we fear because we are not trusting God enough.  I would gather that my impatience is also stemming from a place of fear.  Because in many instances I am inpatient because I expect the worst.  Therefore, if I suspect that the worst is coming than I would rather approach it like ripping off a band aid instead of slowing taking the band aid off.  My catastrophic way of viewing the world is a big problem in my life.  It not only contributes to my lack of patience but it also causes me to jump to broad conclusions based on little information.  My worst case scenario anticipation causes me a lot of undue stress and heartache.  And it is a problem that for the most part I hide very well on the outside.  But on the inside, in my thoughts, I am a crazy woman whose deepest fears play on a loop in my head.

So this whole patience is definitely going to be a challenge.  But it is something that I think is not only necessary for my health but also allow me to be one step closer to becoming the person who I want to be.