Tuesday, February 17, 2015

My Ex's Wedding

One of my exes got married this weekend.  Of course I was not invited.  I happened to see the pictures on Facebook.  Am I mad?  No not all.  I am happy for him.  I always thought he was a great guy.  I still do actually.  I think nice people deserve happiness.  And I wish him well.

Am I jealous?  Yeah, probably.  Sometimes I wonder if that could have been me.  I sit around and look at my friends who get engaged, get married, and have kids one, two, and three (although I could do without kids one, two, and three).  I can't help but think why aren't I married?  And I know I am not the only one out there.

Everyone always says that you can't judge people's relationships based on what you see on Facebook and on Instagram.  I know that's true.  They say the grass is greener on the other side.  I believe it.  Some of ya'll have some messed up relationships and I thank God that is not me.  But still..  Still I want want my own "the one."  And as I get older I wonder is that still a possibility?

Don't get me wrong single life can be fun.  I like meeting new people.  I love flirting.  I love flirting and getting free things from said flirting.  I love feeling like when I am in a room I dominate the eyes of all the men and the women.  I like having a schedule that is wide open.  Being able to go where I want when I want.  I love my girlfriends and all out our crazy shenanigans. But still.  I want to be married.

Do you ever wish that you could see into the future?  Sometimes I do.  Because if I could I would want to know if I was ever going to get married.  If  I knew that it wasn't going to happen, I could live a very different life.  But without that reassurance there is always this thing called, Hope.  And because of Hope I keep meeting people and going out on dates thinking that surely God will send me my prince charming or someone close to him.  But to be honest, with each failed relationship, each time I suffer heartbreak, every time I make a decision that I know will only lead to hurt only to be hurt one more time, I lose a little hope.  And I just wonder how can you keep shining when your hope is disappearing?

I don't want to hear the usual.  That you should be happy on your own.  I am happy enough.  Or that you will meet someone when you least expect it.  I don't expect much these days so there should be a man popping up every minute right?  

And I don't feel guilty or ashamed to say all this because I am not the only one.  And I know there is nothing wrong with feeling this way, because I am not the only one who does.

In the meantime, till I do meet Mr. Right., I know that I can't compare myself to others.  That's in the bible right?  And I can't beat myself up for desiring a real love, the good, the bad and the ugly.  So I will just keep hoping.  I will congratulate my ex.  I will congratulate all of my friends who get married even if it is through my own sadness.  Because I have hope that soon people will be congratulating me.

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