Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Waiting

I woke up during the middle of the night with the theme to a poem called Waiting.  Of course I went back to sleep and never wrote that poem lol.  But I thought that I would write about it instead.

So I had been dating this guy for the past few months.  I decided to not write about it because there were so many more interesting things going on in my life.  No I'm lying.  The truth is I didn't want him to read what I had to say and that alone should have been a sign to me.

Things started off cool.  I was coming off of a self-imposed dating hiatus.  He seemed really into me which was nice.  And he seemed different, but I guess that they all do at first.  The first couple of months seemed cool.  It was the third month that seemed shaky.  We talked on the phone less.  We texted less.  We only had dates weeks apart.  It was in that third month where I started to question whether he was enough.  I pretty much thought that he wasn't, but I did like his company so I waited to see if things would change.

While I was waiting other little things started to irritate me.  He was always tardy.  He didn't seem to listen to me.  He couldn't remember my middle name much less my birthday.  The conversations were often one-sided.  He had a quick temper and was impatient.  I waited to have a discussion with him but it got harder and harder to reach him.  

Last week I was tired of waiting for things to get better.  I wanted out.  I wanted to start dating other people without the guilt.  I told him he we should be friends but I would be open to a discussion about it.  He told me he wanted to have the discussion but not while he was driving.  The discussion never happened.  He went MIA and when he was no longer a missing person I didn't hear a peep.  

Today I realized I was tired of waiting for him to be the friend/man/boyfriend/husband that I wanted because I didn't want to be associated with someone who has such little regard for others.  Turns out when I was waiting for him to get his act together I was really waiting on myself to let go.

He might call me.  They all come back.  But I'm not waiting for him anymore.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Another Father's Day (Without My Father)

Here it is, another Father's Day without my father.  My life looks so different than it did on the first Father's Day without him back in 1998.  Back then I was a rising senior in high school balancing my quirkiness with my intelligence.  Somewhere around Father's Day '98, I was figuring out how to adjust to a move from Illinois to Maryland.  I was going into my senior year into a vastly unfamiliar area.  I was essentially starting over at the end.  I had to navigate the world minus one parent and with a parent who was slowly declining.  I had to begin to adjust to having my grandparents, who I only saw a couple of times a year, now being my full-time roommates.  I had no time to dwell.  No time time imagine the what ifs and would could have beens.  I just had to live.

Now all these years later I have kept living.  Taking care of my mother, living together and managing all of our idiosyncrasies and doctors appointments together.  Now starting a new job that combines my degrees and supports my desire to help others, just like my dad.  Recently, my mom has told me many times how proud that my father would have been of me.  I hope to that it is true.  I hope that my life is a testament the sacrifices that were made on behalf of my mom and my dad.  I hope that I am a reflection of the kind of person that he would have wanted me to be.

My dad passed away 18 years ago, but while some memories fade other memories are always as if they happened just yesterday.  I tell my friends who have lost a loved one that it doesn't get easier but you just learn how to adjust.  And I will admit that sometimes it hurts more now than it did then.  But I keep going, i keep living because I am sure that is what my dad would have wanted.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Never Never Never Give Up

If you have been a long time reader of my blog you know that I have been on a journey.  I have been trying to figure out the point of it all and whatever that may entail.  I have been trying to navigate through a sea of hardships and difficulties while still being faithful and perserverant.   This year, 2016, I have finally seen it all come together and I have nothing but praise for God.

I started off 2016 knowing that this year was going to be different.  My aunt whom I lived with died last October.  I knew that my mom and I would have move out of our family house.  I knew that I now would be my mom's sole caregiver.  It was a scenario that scared me for many years.  But this year I was no longer scared.  This year was my year, and I knew that I was going to be able to do it.  This says a lot because I am a planner and a worrier.  Most of you probably have no idea how much I stress about the unknown and trying to achieve near perfection.  I try to plan for every possible roadblock with multiple back up plans.  This year I was able to let some of that go.  No, I didn't figure out everything that would happen with my mom and her care.  No, I did not worry about not having the stability of a permanent job.  Yet I forged ahead anyway.

Today I am currently writing you from MY bed.  In MY apartment.  Yes MY apartment.  My mom and I moved into our own space a few weeks ago.  Am I happy? Absolutely. There is nothing like the feeling of coming home to a place that is my own.  It has not been without a few hiccups, but they are only hiccups not setbacks.  I have noticed how much my mom likes to talk and how much I like to be quiet.  I have also done more cooking the past two weeks than I have done probably in the past two years.

Having my own place has also helped me to get back on the healthy lifestyle path.  I have been going to the fitness center in my complex multiple times a week.  I was able to cancel my gym membership and save a few dollars.  I am careful about which foods that I am bringing in not only for myself but for my mom.  I have been making green smoothies for breakfast.  Eating out less.  Eating in more.  And I have been packing my lunch almost over day.  I have even started to drop some pounds as a result.

But the ending of this story might be the biggest.  Today was the first day at my new job!  Yes, my new permanent job.  This comes after  years of applying for jobs, sending resumes, going on interviews, going on second interviews, and rejection letter after rejection letter.  And it is position is going back to my roots.  Once again I will able to fulfill my spirit by representing children in child abuse and neglect cases.

Even though it is only June it feels like my year is complete, but it isn't.  I know this is just the beginning of more amazing opportunities.  I fully intend to both testify about my blessings but to be a blessing to others. My friends and family have been amazing over the years.  They have encouraged me when I felt down.  They have supported me when I needed help.  They have been my happiness when I have been down.  And I just can't imagine having done it all without them.  So thank you!!!!

And let this be a testament to others.  I thank the Lord for my mustard seed of faith.  I praise God for whom all blessings flow.  Sometimes when I volunteer with the organization #HashtagLunchBag (which I highly recommend) I decorate bags with the quote by Winston Churchill that says, "Never never never give up."  After a received a text message from a friend I realized that I didn't.  If you feel that you are at the end of your rope hold on keep going because God has more in store for you.