Sunday, November 23, 2014

Beauty In My Brokenness

There is beauty in my brokenness.  At least that is what they said at church.  I sure hope that is true because lately I have felt very broken.  I know I haven't been writing like I used to and for that I apologize.  The truth is, I didn't want to have a blog that highlighted the fact that I feel stuck and unsatisfied post after post.   I told a friend the other day that my shine is dim.  I think that probably sums up my mentality at the moment.

I am not sure why I feel like this.  Well correction, I know exactly why I feel like this.  The question is why is different than any other time.  I still am looking for jobs, I am still taking care of my mom, and I am still hoping to find love.  Nothing has really changed in my life.  In fact things might be a little more stable than usual, yet I have this empty feeling.  I have these dark thoughts invading my brain telling me that I am not living up to my potential, that I am not trying hard enough, I am not doing my best, that I am tired of caring about others, and that I am just one big disappointment.  And while some of you may think I am being hard on myself, maybe I am to some extent, but in reality I do think I could be doing more.  But I think I am getting dangerously close to that point of wondering if maybe just maybe this is life.  That perhaps the happiness and the struggle free life that is on tv and in the movies and apparently on Facebook and Instagram may never be my own reality.  Maybe this isn't just a really long dry season but instead it is what my life is supposed to be and always will be?

The sermons at church the past few weeks have reminded me that being a follower of Christ does not guarantee that we will have an easy life.  In fact, being a Christian means that we will go through pain and suffering, but it is through that time that we are becoming stronger and preparing for the future.  I am not opposed to having storms in my life.  I have been through many and I am glad that I did.  I know my strength and my potential.  But this season, this storm,  just seems to be never ending.  That motivation and positivity that I have always tried to keep close is fleeting.  Right now I am feeling more lost than ever.

This weekend I decided to devote on working on me.  Well I have done a lot of reflecting.  I have shed some tears.  I have had some me time.  I have talked to some friends.  And I have done a lot of thinking.  And you know what I realized, only I can pull myself out of this funk.  Only I can be the source of my motivation.  Only I can choose happiness.  Oh and happiness is definitely a choice my friends.

We are getting close to the end of the year.  And I do not want to put off anything with the idea of starting fresh or with a clean slate.  I want to go strong into 2015 with momentum for change in my life.  No longer am I going to cover up my darkness.  Today, I am going to use the beauty of my brokenness to find joy, to be happy, and to love just as I am supposed to.