Saturday, January 24, 2015

A Lesson Learned

A few years ago Alicia Keys had a song called "A Lesson Learned."  In the song she describes going through a break up and being hurt.  Even standing out in the rain.  But in the end she sang that it was a lesson learned.  Well right now I am having my own lesson learned.

I have been dating this guy for the past six months on and off.  The off points have always surrounded him disappearing for days at a time with vague explanations.  Almost always it was work related.  I was always able to get over it and go right back.  I knew his excuses were never good.  I knew that no matter how busy someone gets that they can always spend a minute to text a response that they are not dead or that they are busy and will hit them back later.  But I accepted that his profession required a crazy work schedule and that he was taking the steps to professionally to have more of a normal life.  I held on thinking that it would work out when in the end I kind of always felt like I was going to be hurt again.

So last night I had a dark moment.  You see I have trained myself well not to let the dark side of Di come out.  Because I know I am capable of hurting feelings and ruining friendships.  But in my quest to become more Christ-like I try to put that all on the back burner.  In the end I attempt to behave in the way that I want to be treated.  Yeah last night that was all out of the window.  A week of basically no communication turned into anger.  My anger therefore turned into me using a plethora of obscenities.  By the time I had the opportunity to have that adult conversation I wanted to have about the status of our friendship/relationship anything adult had been long gone.  I ended the evening feeling sad, embarrassed, and even confused.  The next day I feel basically the same way.  If anything I feel mad at myself for losing my composure.  However, I stand by my point that he could have contacted me no matter how busy he was.

It almost felt like if I loved him enough for the both of us that it would work out.  I mean don't get me wrong. I still love this guy.  I don't think he is a bad guy.  I don't even feel like he was intentionally trying to hurt me.  I just think that in the end he was the most important person in his life and that I should have been the most important person in mine (well besides my mom).  He said he didn't have the time for a relationship which I realized way before the cursing, I just wasn't ready to let go.  Shoot if we are really being honest I am still not ready.

So every time that I have a break up (and I say breakup loosely as we were never officially together, but that is another post) I like to have a reflection on the relationship.  So here are my own lessons learned:

1.  Don't be afraid to ask the questions.  Especially if you are afraid to ask because it could end the relationship.

2.  Stick to your principles.  You know what is right and wrong.  You can rationalize all you want but deep down inside you know when something isn't right.

3.  Don't share everything with your friends.  After the first couple of breaks I decided to keep some things to myself.  I enjoyed this because it allowed me to figure things out on my own and make my own decisions, whether they were good ones is another story.

4.  Don't be afraid to be alone.  Because sometimes being in a relationship can be much more lonely that being alone.

5.  Don't compare yourself to others.  Just because another person has a house and is married with kids doesn't mean that is what is for you.  And it doesn't mean that you are a bad person because you don't have what someone else does.  Everyone has their own paths.

6.  Working out helps deal with anger.  I should have probably went back to the gym last night before sending a screaming voice mail.  Revenge is a dish best served a couple of sizes smaller.

7.  Don't beat yourself up for mistakes.  To be honest still working on this one.

8.  On to the next.  There is always someone else out there.

9.  Know your deal breakers.  I guess it has taken me a few relationships to realize that lack of communication is mine.

10.  Know your worth.  As the once great Lauryn Hill once said, "Don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem."  #truth

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