This post is inspired by a conversation I had with one of my BFFs last night when I really should have been asleep but I was wired from a late night workout and watching the show Scandal (if you watch the show I am sure that you can relate to Scandal-induced insomnia). Anyway, in our conversation I was talking about a person who I was recently seeing. I will the divulge the details of why we parted ways to protect his privacy. I was reflecting on some of my unresolved thoughts and feelings and how I didn't feel enough closure. By the end of the conversation I noticed a pattern in my past relationships. I always feel a longing for a sense of closure, aka being able to say everything that I didn't like about the relationship veiled as a way of preventing the person who I was dating from making the same mistakes with someone else. But I know even if I said everything I wanted to, it wouldn't make myself feel any better. But by the end of this conversation I thought maybe there is an equally important point that I am missing. I began asking myself who's going to fight for me?
Let me further explain this question. I have long championed myself as being a fighter. I still remember writing my law school admissions essay comparing myself to Muhammad Ali and my passion of fighting for others. My commitment to public service is a reflection of my fighter status. I fight for my friends, I fight for my family, I fight for my opinions and for my beliefs.
But at the end of the day being a fighter is lonely. Sometimes I get tired of fighting. Sometimes I wish life were like the WWE where I could tag someone else in so that I can take a break. Sometimes, I just want someone to fight for me like I fight for them.
Who's going to fight for me? This is the question that I often ask myself at the end of a relationship. So often I feel like every relationship fades with little effort from my other half. Me, I will fight until I am exhausted when I feel like it is the right thing to fight for. But for those who I have dated, few if any, have actually fought to make the relationship work. While I should take it as a reflection of them, I instead internalize their lack of urgency. It makes me feel that maybe I am not worthy of someone fighting for. I began to question if there is something wrong with me. Did they not realize that I am not a hard rock but really a gem? Did they not understand this fabulousness that they were letting go?
I might be temporarily phased but I am never down for too long. Those others didn't want to fight for me, and that is a blessing for me. I know that there is someone out there who will fight for me, I just need to be patient, I just need to remain faithful.