Monday, October 21, 2013

Keeping the Faith

When people ask me how I am doing I usually respond with "ok".  Now don't get me wrong, I am not one of those people who thinks that when someone asks this question that they are not expecting a genuine response.  At least for me, when I ask someone else how is it going or how are you, I mean it.  So as a courtesy I give a real answer.  However, lately "ok" has been my response of choice.  Why?

Well I use "ok" because it is an easy and semi-truthful response.  Yes I am ok, I have food to eat, a roof over my head, clothes to wear and I am maintaining all my bills (just barely).  I am relatively in good health.  I am not being persecuted for my beliefs.  So yes I am ok.  I mean do I have the right to complain?

But in the back of my head I am never really just "ok".  Back there is a lonely and dark place.  It is filled with all of my constant worries and fears.  What many people may not realize about me that despite my usually cheery disposition I am a ball of pessimism which I usual describe as realism.  I am a worst case scenario type of girl topped with a touch of hypochondria.  

The truth is with all this going on in my head it is hard to stay faithful.  After looking for a permanent job for YEARS, I haven't given up, but I am definitely deflated.  Thoughts of doubt in my abilities tend to make me almost stray from my path.  What you don't realize is that when you lose a job and have trouble finding a new one, it feels so personal, as if there is something wrong with me and that's why I am facing these issues.  Same goes with the search for a companion.  I know I am not alone in comparing myself to others.  But I am left sitting here with thoughts of why not me?

But in the end yes, some thoughts not of God cross my head, but I have learned to push them out.  You see I always am able to maintain my faith because so far God has always been by my side.  Even when circumstances seem so bleak and there is no answer I am always provided with a solution.  I have learned a lot in these past few years on my journey, for that I am thankful, but I know I have a long path ahead of me.  Yesterday, I told one of my friends that I am going to have an awesome testimony soon.  I just wish soon was like tomorrow and not later?  But that is out of my control.  Until then, I have to keep my faith.  Because if I don't believe in it myself, how can I in good conscience tell others to keep theirs?

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