Monday, September 16, 2013

Learning About Myself

Dating has it's pros and cons.  The cons can be going on terrible dates, getting rejected, or even getting stood up.  But besides a good meal  and good company there are many pros (besides me writing about my dates).

A few years ago I would have told you that I loved dating.  I used to love meeting new people, going out, and sharing my stories good and bad.  I even thought I was becoming a little bit of a player at one point.  The past few years dating has definitely had its ups and downs.  I am not sure what is the cause for the difference.  I think the change is partially the change in dating pool.  As we get older the pool gets smaller in general.  On top of that finding someone that meets all of your criteria can become even more elusive.  But I think the other issue is knowing what you want and can't tolerate.  The more you date, the more life experience you have, you are more specific in your desire and expectations.  Even with the uncertainty of dating in my 30s, I don't even give up hope.

In my dating experiences I realized that I am starting to learn little things about myself that I had never realized before.  Some of it is good, some of it is bad.  And I realized some of my habits and/or reactions are partially due to my previous dating experiences.

I am scared to get hurt.  I am so scared to get hurt that I have thoughts of ending something before it really is something.  Part of me has always felt that I could have prevented getting hurt in my previously relationships if I had cut things off sooner when I had first had doubts.  So now when I have those same "doubts" I immediately want to run for the hills.  The truth is, I am not even sure if it is my doubts that make me want to run or if it is my fear of getting hurt again.  I don't want to have to go through the pain and the time it takes to get over someone again.  As much as I want companionship will my fears prevent me from love?

However, I feel that knowing about my insecurities, fears, and behaviors is the first step toward overcoming them.  The second step is to be able to communicate this with my partner.  The next step is finding the right man who is open, honest, patient, and understanding.  I am equally scared that I will not find someone who is willing to care and work with me on my issues.  Sometimes the thought of sharing about my fears and my experiences with a man make me scared.  My surface is so hard, confident, sarcastic and witty.  I mean that's what brings all the boys to the yard LOL.  But on the inside I am just a girl who wants to be loved.  , 

So no I am not going to give up, at least not today.  :)

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