I need to get my mind right! I started a new temp assignment on Wednesday that was supposed to last two months. On Saturday night I was told that they were "downsizing" the group and "my name was on the list". In other words I was cut, 4 days after the project started (and I had even came in on a Saturday to work). And to make the experience even more awesome I was cut while aboard a happy hour cruise. SO AWESOME! So here I was trying not to be the Debbie downer of my friends but what I really wanted to do cuddle under the blankets and become invisible or maybe jump off the boat, with my margarita in hand, and swim to my car so i could immediately head home and put my head under the covers. I was able to temporarily get over my devastation thanks to my friends and some extremely hot green papaya salad. Spicy foods are my comfort food.
However, the rest of the weekend I was not putting on a good face. Actually today I am still a little blah. The truth is, I can put on a brave face and keep going forward, but it is really exhausting. It is exhausting to constantly be stressed and wonder how you are going to pay for your bills in a couple of days and at the end of the month. It is depressing to a papaya salad when you really want the basil broccoli and beef just because you know you can only really afford the salad. It is irritating to look at your friends' new dress/shoes/purse/earrings when you keep rocking the same dress that you have been rocking for the past few years. Not to mention my mother wanting to go out to eat, or play lottery tickets, or get her hair done. It makes me feel like a loser and a disappointment to my family, my friends, and most of all to myself. Sometimes I just feel like enough is enough! How long am I going to waiting and be faithful thinking that this next perfect job will come?
Then there is my non-existent love life. All around me friends are dating guys they really like, getting engaged, getting married, and having kids. I try to be happy for everyone else, but sometimes I just feel bitter and disappointed. I want someone that I can share my time with. I want to share this abundance of love that I have stored in my heart. I remember what it feels like to completely open my heart to someone else. I want to have that feeling when you know the person who you love loves you too. I hear the pastor and guest preachers deliver sermons about how great a union is under God. I see the happy couples with their families walking in the lobby after church and all I can think about is how about me? Where is my boyfriend, boo, husband?
My friends tell me to focus on what I can control. That I should take some classes, try new things, work out, read a book, do things that I like. They tell me to stay faithful, to pray. They tell me the right job, the right man, the right situation is around the corner. All I can think is how long is this corner? A few months? A few years? A decade?
I keep thinking that I keep doing all the things that God wants me to so where is my blessing? I know blessings are relative. Despite all of my disappointments, not a day goes by where I do not thank the Lord. I have survived another day. While I might struggle, I know others' struggles are tougher than my own. I know all of this. I have even accepted that sometimes that I don't know why God does or does not do things. But it still doesn't help my anxiety, my worry, nor my stress.
So I need to get my mind right! A good friend reminded me of something I used to say to others. To paraphrase, she said you have to put out positivity to get it in return. And she is right. So I am telling myself that everything will be fine. Everything will work out. My blessings are around the corner (without the thought that this might be an extremely long block).