Words Beats & Life

If you went to the University of Maryland between 2000 and 2003 chances are you have heard of Words Beats & Life.  Words Beats & Life (WBL) founded by my friend, Mazi Mutafa, started as a conference at the University and 12 years later it has ascended to an organization that is affecting change around the world!

This morning I was honored to attend the WBL Breakfast of Champions.  I, along with many others, were honored for our contributions to the organization. To be honest, when I received the invitation I didn't think much of it.  In fact, my thoughts were hmm I am off and I like breakfast so I might as well go.  I would have never thought that I would be a part of a breakfast that raised over $73,000 in an hour!

So let me tell you more about WBL.  According the website the mission of WBL is

to transform individual lives and whole communities through Hip-Hop.  We do this through public art creation, teaching courses in the core elements of Hip-Hop, publishing a global academic journal on Hip-Hop, sending artists abroad and hosting Teach-Ins and retreats to build the capacity of scholars, artists and arts educators and arts managers from throughout the country and around the world.

Over the past few years I have seen WBL grow and prosper.  This organization does it all.  They have an academy in which students can learn to DJ, dance, and even paint.  There are parties.  There is an annual teach- in that brings hip hop's finest from around the world.  There is an academic journal.  They hosted the first of its kind hip hop chess tournament.  And if you walk around the streets of DC you will see many of the murals that WBL were instrumental in creating.  Not only is this organization shaping the lives of individuals but communities as well.  It is so exciting to watch hip hop being utilized as an instrument of change!

Today I pledged to increase my monthly donor amount.  I also pledged to volunteer at at least two upcoming events.  But most important of all, I pledged to recruit at least two more monthly donors (called MVPS).  You can contribute as little as $5 a month or as much as you would like.  The organization also accepts in kind donations as well.  So please consider joining me in being an MVP for Words Beats & Life.

To learn more about WBL please go to:  http://wblinc.org/

God's Conduit

Sunday morning was rough.  My mom was getting on my nerves, as usual, and making  my morning start off the wrong way.  That morning I was debating about which service to go to.  For the past few weeks we had been going to a new service at church where we sit at tables and have a group discussion after the sermon is played on the video screens.  However, I had spent the past few weeks ugly crying at church and I felt the need to be a little more inconspicuous.  But because of the rush of the morning we ended up going to the same discussion service as the week before.

As we walk into the room the usher informed me that our table captain had been waiting for us.  In fact, she had even saved a seat for me, my mom and my friend.  This is the same table captain that was there when I was a blubbering fool the week before.  I definitely felt a little guilty for my thoughts of not wanting to go to this particular service for my own selfish reasons, especially after everyone had been so nice and comforting.

This week at our table there were two unfamiliar faces.  They were a couple who looked like they were probably in their 40s or 50s.  They began to share that they had lost their son to a drunk driver in 2010. While not having had the same kind of loss with my father's passing, I was able to share with them some words of understanding and comfort.  The wife thanked me after and said my words had helped.  We ended up exchanging information a few minutes later.

I left church that day with this amazing feeling.  I thought how awesome is it that I almost missed this opportunity to help someone else who was in need.   I also was so shocked that God had used me as a conduit to help others.  I guess in my eyes I am still that girl who didn't grow up going to church and who has a limited understanding of the bible.  I feel like I would be the least likely person to help deliver God's messages.  But as I have told others this story  they don't share my amazement.  In fact, they have all had a sort of "duh" reaction. The duh, meaning that they have always seen me as someone who delivers words that help others.  I guess I am starting to realize that my desire to help others may not manifest in the way I had imagined.  I just feel privileged that God is using me in ways that I had never imagined nor may I ever understand.

I share this to say don't underestimate the power of words and their affect on others.  Words have the power to make someone's day but they also have the power to break someone's spirit.  You never know when you might be called on to say the right thing, to the right person, in the right situation.  Don't miss your opportunity.

Be Still

Recently I have been practicing being still.  Sometimes I just sit in my room with no music playing and no tv on.  I stop checking my email.  I stop checking my text messages.  I just sit still, in the rare quietness of my room.  And recently this silence has been golden.

Don't get me wrong I am no stranger to the love of silence.  Living in a house with multiple people I appreciate the time sometimes in the dead of night where you can hear only the sounds of a house that is breathing.  It is on those rare occasions that my mother has finally turned off her tv and her snores are so faint that I can appreciate only hearing the natural sounds made by nature during the night.  It doesn't happen very often but when it does I take it in like it is my last breath.

As much as I enjoy the silence it is rare that I am actually still.  I mean isn't rare that anyone is still?  In this age we are are constantly doing something.  We can't even wait at a red light without responding to a text message or checking email.  At least for me, each day is planned.  No matter how spontaneous I try to be to some extent I have a set aside time to be spontaneous.  Each hour of the day is planned for something that I will do or I could be doing.  We are so used to the feeling of being always being busy and shuffling from place to place that we are allow ourselves to be still with our thoughts.

This week I have been practicing this.  And this week practicing stillness has been kind of excellent.  I feel for a brief time that I have actually heard myself think.  I have had the chance to pray freely.  For once in a very long time I have enjoyed letting my thoughts roam free without the guilt of not devoting my attention to someone else or to something else.

In my stillness I am trying to take in more of God and less of me.  I am trying to process all of the feelings and thoughts that I have without the voice of others, just myself.  Try it out and see what you think.

Mom and Me

year marks the 20th anniversary of my mom's diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis.  Since her diagnosis and in particular the past few years I have really gotten to know my mother in a way that I had never imagined.  The mom I know and love today is the complete opposite of who she was 20 years ago.  In many instances I am grateful that she is different and does not remember who she used to be.

As I was preparing to write this post I realized that I have talked about my mom A LOT.  Here are a few examples:  Preparing for the Inevitable, Note From Mom, Normal Life, Honor Thy Mother.  I noticed a theme within these posts,  that most of the time I was complaining or frustrated.  Now, don't get my wrong, I am not going to apologize for it.  This blog is about openness and honesty.  Being a caregiver is a big responsibility.  Being a caregiver at an early age is also a unique circumstance.

Despite all of my complaints and frustrations, as I look back I am realizing that my mom is pretty awesome.  In many ways my mom teaches me how to be the type of person who I want to be.  I think sometimes I am moving so fast that despite her deficiencies that she is not a hindrance in my life, she is actually invaluable.

My mom is probably one of the most caring people I know.  She loves to give people cards.  I hate cards so I have not adopted this practice of hers.  But she is always right there with a card for someone for any occasion.  Whether it is a birthday two months in advance, Christmas, St. Patrick's Day, a friend's daughter, or even just once in awhile a card to encourage me through my struggles my mom is there with card in tow.  She teaches me a lesson that sometimes I think I am giving a lot of myself, but maybe I am not really giving very much at all.

Mom also is a fan of giving gifts.  Despite having a very limited income mom always manages to give gifts to friends and family.  A lot of the time I don't know where she gets the money for the gift, where it is coming from, or where she bought it from, but she never fails to celebrate a birthday.

She is very outgoing and friendly.  She always asks my friend how her son is doing.  Which says a lot that she remembers that she even has a son.  Much to my dismay she is constantly striking up conversations with strangers.  And whenever we are out around town she always runs into at least one person she knows who is so excited to see her (despite the fact that she might not remember who they are).  Now this, I know I have definitely inherited from her.  So I guess I understand how my friends feel when I strike up random questions lol.  She is also very funny, although sometimes I don't know if she means to be...

Most importantly, my mom loves me.  She loves me even when I am not at my best.  And she tells me she loves me.  This is huge.  I did not grow up in a family where we said I love you a lot.  We did not hug and kiss each other.  But now, with her MS she always expresses her love.  Sometimes she watches me when I am asleep, or she just wakes me up to ask if I am ok, both of which are creepy but I know that she is coming from a good place.  I know she is not doing this to annoy me, but because she loves me.

So yeah despite her flaws my mom is pretty awesome!  And if you know her you will agree to.

Mom and I will be walking in the MS Walk on April 26th!  Well correction, I will be walking, mom will be pushed in a wheelchair.  If you would like to donate to me or our team, Team Bonbon please go Donate to MS Walk 2014

A Breakthrough

I did the ugly cry at church today.  Sure I usually cry at least once during a service, but today I really outdid myself.  Today, I was too tired to hold back my tears and I let it go.  I suppose a part of me was relieved.  You have no idea how hard it is to fight your body week after week.  This week I let go.  This week was different.

I started this blog about a year and a half ago to document my spiritual journey and whatever life has thrown at me along the way.  This process has had ups and downs for sure, but up until the last few months my spiritual growth had not been where I thought it should be.  For the past few months, God has been leading me on a path closer to him.  Today there was a flash of the light bulb.

This year I decided I really wanted to commitment to growing closer to God.  It all began with deciding to become a partner (member) of the church that I had been going to for the past few years.  I believe that this decision became a catalyst forcing me to do a lot of self-reflecting and caused me become very introspective.

It has been HARD!  I think I actually wrote that in my last post.  Here I was walking around thinking that I was a good person, I followed the golden rule, and I always tried to do the right thing I thought surely God must think I am doing well.  But then when you really dig deep down inside, when you really start paying attention to his word, I realized that I have not even scratched the surface.  And that was probably the reason why I felt that my spiritual life was not growing.

Today, between the ugly cries and the back rubs from friends and the encouraging words from near strangers I realized that I am right where I need to be.  I am finally on the right track toward becoming more Christ-like and in turn becoming closer to God.

But I am frustrated.  To the outside world I look crazy.  Shoot, I even feel crazy.  My tears are neither happy nor sad, they are just there.  I feel a rumbling in my soul that I cannot explain.  I feel thoughts that are in the back of my mind and I am waiting for them to travel to the front.  I have ups and lows that I am not sure that anyone understands.  I feel like I am isolating myself from others and I can't explain why.  To them I think they either think I am in one of my moods again, or I am just a plain jerk.  But I do it because I need to process what is going on.  I need to be still to receive all these feelings that are flooding my heart.  I am changing, and it is hard, and I don't like it.  Well I don't like the frustration, but I do like the change.  But I reminded myself that this is what I asked for!  This is what I have been wanting all of these years.

Someone told me today that God is trying to purify me and refine my soul so I can be prepared to handle what battles I face ahead.  And it all kind of clicked.  I have to go through this to get to the other side.  And on the other side I am going to be better than I ever thought was possible.  But until then, I know there will be more tears.  I know there will be more feelings of discomfort.  I know there will be times when I can't begin to describe what I am feeling.  But it is ok because I know that I am getting closer to being who I want to be.

Green Eyed Monsters

Jealous.  Envy.  Frustration.  These are demons that I have been dealing with for the past few weeks.  It has been especially hard for me to articulate a problem that is internal.  Being jealous is especially hard to talk about with friends when they may be the subject of your envy.  So the past few weeks I have been trying to take some time to step back and really focus on the green eyed monsters that have been impeding my happiness.

So what makes me jealous?  A lot of things.  I am jealous of people who have a stable job.  I am jealous of people who have their own place.  I am jealous of people who can buy a $200 purse or who can take a random trip out of the country and don't think twice about it.  I am jealous of people who are married.  I am jealous of people who can go to their parents and ask for advice.  I am jealous of people who could be gone from their house for a week straight and not have to tell anyone where they have been.  I envy people who can eat whatever they want and not gain weight.  I envy those women who have big butts and juicy lips.  I am envious of people who can walk into a shoe store and not feel disappointed each and every time. I am envious of people who don't automatically figure out what bills they are going to pay each time they get their paycheck and how much that will leave them with to live for the rest of the week.  I am envious of people who can truly take care of their parents so that they have a comfortable lifestyle. I am jealous of people who don't feel like they have the burdens of the world falling on their shoulders.  I am jealous of people who are always happy.  I am jealous of people who can block out things that make them unhappy and who are not tainted from their dramatic experiences.  I am envious of people who are essentially "normal", or whatever that is.  I envy those who are walking in their purpose and feel fulfilled each day.  And because of all of this, and then some, I am frustrated.

So what do I do about it?  I took some time to think about all of this.  Jealously/envy while it is natural it is a terrible feeling.  We are taught both in and outside of church to not compare ourselves to others.  But right now that is all I am doing.  And even more so I am assuming that just because someone has some of the things I mentioned that they are even happy.  A lot of people are not.  What was that about the grass being greener on the other side?

I feel kind of guilty about feeling this way, especially now.  Right now I am working on a temp gig (only my second of the year so far).  I am starting to get some interviews.  I am working on my relationship with God and in the process of joining a new church.  I am really starting to articulate what I am looking for in the my potential suitors.  All these things should make me happy.  Yet here I am frustrated.  I am frustrated because I have been in the same position for so long.  I feel stagnant.

I feel like this frustration is a test in my faith.  Many people think that the closer you are to God, that the less problems you have.  This is not true at all.  I have found that as I have been really working on this relationship with God that I have been becoming more frustrated.  It is because I am starting to recognize more about myself and my surroundings.  I realize I am not where I want to be, where I should be and I get frustrated about it.  I work on trying to be a better person everyday and it is HARD!  I tell friends about the principles I am learning at church and what I am reading in the bible and a lot of times it is hard for me to practically apply these same things to myself.

So, that being said, I am definitely a work in process.  And I am definitely slowly slaying these green eyed monsters in the process.

Love and Be Loved

A few weeks ago I noticed there were new pictures on my phone.  Well they weren't new pictures exactly they are old pictures from a few years ago.   But they are new to the phone as I did not take them or download them myself.  I guess it is something with the IPhone and that whole cloud business that I still don't quite understand.  Regardless, they are on my phone until I figure out how to get rid of them.

The downside of old pictures are old memories.  Mixed in with my crazy selfies and group pictures of the girls are pictures of me and my ex.  Yes, THAT ex.  The ex I thought who I was going to marry.  I can remember each picture for where we were and how I was feeling when I took it.  Each time I was so happy and in love and I was with someone who I knew loved me too, well at least that is what I thought at the time.
Seeing the pictures of my ex and I in our happy times actually makes me sad.  It makes me sad because I was so in love and now, I'm not.  Don't worry, don't worry I am definitely not going to regress and contact him. Even though he has started to confront me in my dreams, I know that it is best that we remain apart with no contact.

But it still doesn't change this feeling.  I want to be in in love and to be loved.  I want someone who feels the same way about me as I do about them.  I want a man by myself who truly feels that I am awesome and accepts the good, the bad, and the ugly things about me.  I want a relationship that is easy, but can be challenging for the right reasons.  I want someone who can make me a better person while I encourage them to be their best.  I want a partner in crime and I partner in life.  I need someone who I can talk to about the Real Housewives of Atlanta but I can also talk to them about the awesome service I heard at church.  I want all of this and more.  And I think to a varying degree that's what most people want.

The other day my friend called the last guy who I dated a "placeholder."  A placeholder being a person who fills a space for a temporary time.  It may have been taken a back at first, but I knew she was right.  I might have even known very soon in our almost three month failed courtship that he was never going to be someone who I was with permanently.  And because of this, because he was my placeholder, there was really never a right fit for him in my life.  I was unhappy for three months because I let someone in who was never meant to fill that place in my heart.

But I am getting older.  I don't want anymore placeholders.  I want someone who is going to hold a permanent place in my heart.  And I in return want to be someone's eternal placeholder.  I suppose the time has come for me to be ok with passing up on the false sense of comfort that I feel with a placeholder.  I need to feel ok with being lonely sometimes.  Because if I am faithful I know that the right person will be here soon and when he does I will feel love and be loved.