Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Normal Life

I long for a normal life.  I know what you are already going to say.  What's normal?  Normal is boring.  Don't be like everyone else.  Blah Blah Blah.  I know that everyone has their own issues.  I know that everyone has issues with their families thus making no one's life particularly "normal", however, for me I would love to have a normal mundane existence, at least some of the time.

I feel like a bad daughter.  My mother is craving my attention.  Yet the more she tries to get it the more I am turned off.  You see, there are negative effects to being raised an only child, a super independent one at that. I enjoy being alone, a lot.  I also long to only be responsible for myself.  But being the only child of a couple where one spouse is dead and the other spouse has severe Multiple Sclerosis none of this is really an option.

I see my mother getting worse and worse.  If it were just physical maybe it would be easier.  But when you are the sole holder of your childhood memories, when you are the one person that has to remember everything for someone else it is frustrating yes, but sad.  Sometimes I just want my mom to be the person who gives me advice and who will maybe babysit my kids one day (umm don't get excited with this kids comment you know my stance on that lol).  She is dependent on me for her care and for her entertainment.  But I don't want to feel like I am a camp counselor who is constantly planning out activities to make her happy.  It makes me resentful.  When I spend time with my mom I want to do it because I want to, not because everyone else thinks that I am obligated to spend my time with her.  I want to be able to be spontaneous and not have to always be three steps ahead.  I want to go on last minute lunch dates and crash at a friend's place without feeling guilty.

I know I should be more understanding and more kind.  Like I said I feel like an awful daughter.  But I don't want my whole life to revolve around my mother's life.  And maybe it is selfish because my parents raised me.  I am grateful for that.  But they had a choice in the matter, I do not.  And I am not saying that I would ever stop taking care of her.   I just want to have my own life, a normal life.

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