Confessions of being broke

Over the past few weeks I feel like the bill collectors have been coming out of the wood works.  I decided that ignoring the calls that I know are bill collectors probably is no longer a good idea.  Actually, it was never really a good idea.  Avoidance is bad.

Left and right bills are due.  To think that a month ago I was living the good life. I had steady work.  I had a savings account.  Now I barely even know how to type savings much less have actual money in it.  Now, I am still waiting for the next thing assignment to come or even yet the next job.
 
I am definitely starting to freak out.  I feel kind of sad.  I feel like I will have a constant life of poverty.  However, I still manage to laugh at my situation despite it all.  I realized that becoming a stripper and selling my eggs at 31 probably won't prove to be lucrative.  I have said more than once that I can be on the Real Housewives of Atlanta because many of those girls are broke and don't have husbands.  My cousin just called me a dork when I suggested that, as if it is not plausible.

But I know I am not alone.  Most of my friends are struggling, which I think is weird.  I mean was life this hard for our parents? I thought that I went to law school to make a better life for myself.  I thought that I would be living comfortably and be able to take care of my mom.  I thought the American dream was working hard and making it.  This dream feels like a nightmare!

I feel as if I am one step away from where I was a few years ago.  That's when I first lost my job.  I was sad, scared, angry, and maybe at some point I felt no hope.  I definitely at one time was in a dark place, so dark that I was embarrassed to share some of my most rawest thoughts with my closest friends.

However, there is one important difference now than a couple of years ago, my faith has grown stronger.  I was telling my other cousin that every time I feel like I can't take anymore and one more thing can't go wrong and I am at my end, it ends up working out.  I have survived each crisis in my life, only by the mercy of God.  I continued to be amazed at God's powers and how God has brought me closer to him.  He has truly been the supplier of all my needs.  My needs have always been satisfied while my irrelevant wants have been discarded.  I hope that one day, when I am on the other side of this storm that I can serve as a testimony as to how great God really is.

So when I look at my bank account, when I try to calculate how much my bills are this week, when I drink water at the bar instead of a glass of wine or two I know that it is all going to be ok.  I know that God will take care of me and then all of my fears and burdens will fall on him.  I guess sometimes we just go through our struggles as a reminder that He is greater than us and that we are never truly separated from him.