Thursday, March 21, 2013

Fighting My Insecurities

I started dating a new guy a few weeks ago.  I have been keeping it from you because I can't believe we are still dating lol.  Recently, I haven't really had more than one date, two dates at the most with any potential suitors.  But it has been a few weeks and I have seen "The Engineer" a few times.

Don't worry I am not going to leave you hanging with the details. The Engineer is 31, tall and handsome, never married, no kids and he is an engineer (duh).   So the Engineer and I met a few weeks ago at a bar.  I was desperate to have a night out.  I called one of my girlfriends and we went to a spot that we had not been to before.  We ended up laughing and talking and having a great night.  The Engineer showed up at the bar minutes from closing.  I teased him so much I had no idea that he would eventually ask for my number.  He later told me that he liked my sassiness, among other things.  We went to lunch the next day and lunch turned into a five hour date.  In fact, it was one of my favorite dates ever.  So since then we have seen each other a handful of times.  There is definitely a mutual attraction.  I enjoy his company.  I feel very relaxed and comfortable with him as we are in this getting to know each other stage.  I like him but I it is not an infatuated crazy like, it is a mature, let's see where this goes like.

Despite all of this I am still fighting my insecurities.  Although not constantly, I feel that at times I have to check myself to assess whether I am over analyzing situations.  In just about every case after the consultation of friends I come to the conclusion that I have once again over thought something.   Today I realized the source of at least some of my insecurities, my ex.

I went into the relationship with my ex with insecurities.  Everyone has them, it is a normal part of life.  However, after our breakup I am beginning to accept the fact that maybe I have more insecurities than what I had realized.   I am so scared of being hurt again, or manipulated, lied to, or missing big red flags that I am ready to toss aside people as a preventative measure.  I am so scared that I am too broken and too screwed up to actually be in a relationship.

A friend of mine made me read an article today.  In it, Will Smith talked about some of the dynamics of his marriage to Jada Pinkett Smith.  It kind of made me re-think the way that I see a relationship and also confirmed some of my thoughts.  Your partner should push you to be a better person which I have always believed.  What I didn't think of is that part of having a relationship is staying and trying to work through each other's issues.  No one comes into a relationship without some kind of baggage whether it is physical or mental, but when you are committed you have an agreement to accept the baggage of your partner and to help them improve.

So for me, I just need to accept the fact that yes, I do have some issues.  But if I am honest with myself and know that they are there I can work through them.

2 comments:

  1. Embrace the grind. I know you can work through them. You feel a million times better when being honest with yourself. I believe in u!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you. I need all the belief I can get! lol

    ReplyDelete

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