A Breakthrough

I did the ugly cry at church today.  Sure I usually cry at least once during a service, but today I really outdid myself.  Today, I was too tired to hold back my tears and I let it go.  I suppose a part of me was relieved.  You have no idea how hard it is to fight your body week after week.  This week I let go.  This week was different.

I started this blog about a year and a half ago to document my spiritual journey and whatever life has thrown at me along the way.  This process has had ups and downs for sure, but up until the last few months my spiritual growth had not been where I thought it should be.  For the past few months, God has been leading me on a path closer to him.  Today there was a flash of the light bulb.

This year I decided I really wanted to commitment to growing closer to God.  It all began with deciding to become a partner (member) of the church that I had been going to for the past few years.  I believe that this decision became a catalyst forcing me to do a lot of self-reflecting and caused me become very introspective.

It has been HARD!  I think I actually wrote that in my last post.  Here I was walking around thinking that I was a good person, I followed the golden rule, and I always tried to do the right thing I thought surely God must think I am doing well.  But then when you really dig deep down inside, when you really start paying attention to his word, I realized that I have not even scratched the surface.  And that was probably the reason why I felt that my spiritual life was not growing.

Today, between the ugly cries and the back rubs from friends and the encouraging words from near strangers I realized that I am right where I need to be.  I am finally on the right track toward becoming more Christ-like and in turn becoming closer to God.

But I am frustrated.  To the outside world I look crazy.  Shoot, I even feel crazy.  My tears are neither happy nor sad, they are just there.  I feel a rumbling in my soul that I cannot explain.  I feel thoughts that are in the back of my mind and I am waiting for them to travel to the front.  I have ups and lows that I am not sure that anyone understands.  I feel like I am isolating myself from others and I can't explain why.  To them I think they either think I am in one of my moods again, or I am just a plain jerk.  But I do it because I need to process what is going on.  I need to be still to receive all these feelings that are flooding my heart.  I am changing, and it is hard, and I don't like it.  Well I don't like the frustration, but I do like the change.  But I reminded myself that this is what I asked for!  This is what I have been wanting all of these years.

Someone told me today that God is trying to purify me and refine my soul so I can be prepared to handle what battles I face ahead.  And it all kind of clicked.  I have to go through this to get to the other side.  And on the other side I am going to be better than I ever thought was possible.  But until then, I know there will be more tears.  I know there will be more feelings of discomfort.  I know there will be times when I can't begin to describe what I am feeling.  But it is ok because I know that I am getting closer to being who I want to be.

Green Eyed Monsters

Jealous.  Envy.  Frustration.  These are demons that I have been dealing with for the past few weeks.  It has been especially hard for me to articulate a problem that is internal.  Being jealous is especially hard to talk about with friends when they may be the subject of your envy.  So the past few weeks I have been trying to take some time to step back and really focus on the green eyed monsters that have been impeding my happiness.

So what makes me jealous?  A lot of things.  I am jealous of people who have a stable job.  I am jealous of people who have their own place.  I am jealous of people who can buy a $200 purse or who can take a random trip out of the country and don't think twice about it.  I am jealous of people who are married.  I am jealous of people who can go to their parents and ask for advice.  I am jealous of people who could be gone from their house for a week straight and not have to tell anyone where they have been.  I envy people who can eat whatever they want and not gain weight.  I envy those women who have big butts and juicy lips.  I am envious of people who can walk into a shoe store and not feel disappointed each and every time. I am envious of people who don't automatically figure out what bills they are going to pay each time they get their paycheck and how much that will leave them with to live for the rest of the week.  I am envious of people who can truly take care of their parents so that they have a comfortable lifestyle. I am jealous of people who don't feel like they have the burdens of the world falling on their shoulders.  I am jealous of people who are always happy.  I am jealous of people who can block out things that make them unhappy and who are not tainted from their dramatic experiences.  I am envious of people who are essentially "normal", or whatever that is.  I envy those who are walking in their purpose and feel fulfilled each day.  And because of all of this, and then some, I am frustrated.

So what do I do about it?  I took some time to think about all of this.  Jealously/envy while it is natural it is a terrible feeling.  We are taught both in and outside of church to not compare ourselves to others.  But right now that is all I am doing.  And even more so I am assuming that just because someone has some of the things I mentioned that they are even happy.  A lot of people are not.  What was that about the grass being greener on the other side?

I feel kind of guilty about feeling this way, especially now.  Right now I am working on a temp gig (only my second of the year so far).  I am starting to get some interviews.  I am working on my relationship with God and in the process of joining a new church.  I am really starting to articulate what I am looking for in the my potential suitors.  All these things should make me happy.  Yet here I am frustrated.  I am frustrated because I have been in the same position for so long.  I feel stagnant.

I feel like this frustration is a test in my faith.  Many people think that the closer you are to God, that the less problems you have.  This is not true at all.  I have found that as I have been really working on this relationship with God that I have been becoming more frustrated.  It is because I am starting to recognize more about myself and my surroundings.  I realize I am not where I want to be, where I should be and I get frustrated about it.  I work on trying to be a better person everyday and it is HARD!  I tell friends about the principles I am learning at church and what I am reading in the bible and a lot of times it is hard for me to practically apply these same things to myself.

So, that being said, I am definitely a work in process.  And I am definitely slowly slaying these green eyed monsters in the process.

Love and Be Loved

A few weeks ago I noticed there were new pictures on my phone.  Well they weren't new pictures exactly they are old pictures from a few years ago.   But they are new to the phone as I did not take them or download them myself.  I guess it is something with the IPhone and that whole cloud business that I still don't quite understand.  Regardless, they are on my phone until I figure out how to get rid of them.

The downside of old pictures are old memories.  Mixed in with my crazy selfies and group pictures of the girls are pictures of me and my ex.  Yes, THAT ex.  The ex I thought who I was going to marry.  I can remember each picture for where we were and how I was feeling when I took it.  Each time I was so happy and in love and I was with someone who I knew loved me too, well at least that is what I thought at the time.
Seeing the pictures of my ex and I in our happy times actually makes me sad.  It makes me sad because I was so in love and now, I'm not.  Don't worry, don't worry I am definitely not going to regress and contact him. Even though he has started to confront me in my dreams, I know that it is best that we remain apart with no contact.

But it still doesn't change this feeling.  I want to be in in love and to be loved.  I want someone who feels the same way about me as I do about them.  I want a man by myself who truly feels that I am awesome and accepts the good, the bad, and the ugly things about me.  I want a relationship that is easy, but can be challenging for the right reasons.  I want someone who can make me a better person while I encourage them to be their best.  I want a partner in crime and I partner in life.  I need someone who I can talk to about the Real Housewives of Atlanta but I can also talk to them about the awesome service I heard at church.  I want all of this and more.  And I think to a varying degree that's what most people want.

The other day my friend called the last guy who I dated a "placeholder."  A placeholder being a person who fills a space for a temporary time.  It may have been taken a back at first, but I knew she was right.  I might have even known very soon in our almost three month failed courtship that he was never going to be someone who I was with permanently.  And because of this, because he was my placeholder, there was really never a right fit for him in my life.  I was unhappy for three months because I let someone in who was never meant to fill that place in my heart.

But I am getting older.  I don't want anymore placeholders.  I want someone who is going to hold a permanent place in my heart.  And I in return want to be someone's eternal placeholder.  I suppose the time has come for me to be ok with passing up on the false sense of comfort that I feel with a placeholder.  I need to feel ok with being lonely sometimes.  Because if I am faithful I know that the right person will be here soon and when he does I will feel love and be loved.

Spring Forward

I know I know it has been awhile since I have written.  I get into these funky moods sometimes when I feel like there is a lot going on, but it is too hard for me to actually articulate anything that I am thinking in order to make cohesive statements.  Am I the only one?  Well considering it has almost been a month.  I figured I needed to start somewhere. ALSO, this is not a post about the history of daylight savings so keep reading!

This weekend marks the beginning of Daylight Savings Time.  That's right I am giving you the reminder right now that on Sunday you have to spring forward.  Daylight savings always seems like the true beginning of spring, despite the fact that the official start of spring is on March 20th.  And while it now takes me about three weeks before my body can truly adjust to daylight savings, the changing of the clocks brings a new start.

Well to me, I am going to use it as a new start.  First, I am going to de-clutter my surroundings.  It is time for me to do a thorough spring cleaning.  That means that I am going to really try to tackle cleaning both my room and my mom's room.  I hear that they say cleaning your space helps to clear your thoughts as well.  Lord only knows that my thoughts need some cleaning.  I need to be refreshed, so I am going to start with my room.

I need to really put some effort into my fitness and health.  I have been selectively going to the gym.  And by selectively deciding not to go.  Same goes with my eating, I have been selecting to eat everything within my reach.  My stomach has definitely been in knots for the past few weeks as a result.  This week I have made a conscience effort to start counting calories and incorporating more fruits and vegetables.  So far I feel slightly better.  I also decided to give up fried foods for lent.  I figured it was a win for my body and a win for God! lol

My spiritual journey needs improvement.  Last week in church I went to the alter to ask God to help renew my faith and to create some changes in my life.  I know good and well some of the things I need to do I haven't been doing well.  Going to church alone is not enough.  So I have been trying to make the effort to pray more and read the bible.  I even put it on my daily to do list.  Slowly but surely I am getting better.  I am practicing lent for the first time in awhile.  I feel like it would be a good start in walking in faith to practice sort of restraint even if it is for something silly like fried foods.

Now the thing that I am most looking forward to about spring ahead, is spring out of this "relationship" I have been in.  I put relationship in quotes because I have been dating someone for almost three months who I wouldn't consider my boyfriend.  We have "broken up" and "gotten back together", again I use in quotes because I only think that you can do these things when you are with someone, and I don't believe we are truly together.  Regardless, I think it is time for me to start fresh.  Gone are the days when I keep someone around because I feel sorry for them.  I have been preaching to others that I would rather be single and happy and then with someone and unhappy.  It is time for me to start practicing myself.

So cheers to spring, cheers to no more snow and cold days, and cheers to fresh beginnings and to springing forward and leaving the past in the past!

Working vs. Jobbing

Yesterday at Bridgeway Community Church we had a King deliver the message.  Yeah that's right I said a KING.  King Adamtey from Ghana, delivered a message asking "Are You Working or Jobbing?"  He explained that work involves working for a purpose.  A job is something that you do just to exist.  He explained that God didn't create us just to do jobs, but to work.  The message spoke directly to how I have been feeling.  This message motivated me at a time when I very much needed the motivation.

The past few weeks I have been deep in reflection.  I have been processing how I view myself and others view me and it has kind of been a rough process.  One thing that always comes up is how not having a steady job affects other aspects of my life.  Yes I am consistently balancing the funds in my bank account.  And yes I keep passing on buying snow boots to make sure I pay another bill.  I have to skip a few outings and a few fancy meals from time to time.  But all of that is just surface level material things.

The loss of my job and the trouble of trying to find a new one definitely has taken a toll on my confidence.  I now question my abilities and skills and wonder if I am really good at anything at all.  I know I shouldn't think that way.  I don't try to.  But it is hard when you feel like the last kid left on the sidelines for a game of dodge ball.  I sit back and listen to people tell stories from their jobs and about their co-workers.  What stories do I have?  I took a really interesting quiz from Buzzfeed?  I found a great recipe on Pinterest that I will probably never make because I rarely get time alone in the kitchen?

At the end of the day it is not the actually lack of a job that bothers me the most.  It is the fact that I am not fulfilling God's purpose for me.  I started this whole blog trying to figure out my purpose and work on my relationship with God.  I read the Purpose Driven Life and The Dream Giver to help me figure it out all.  It helped and I felt motivated, for awhile. I figured out that I really wasn't too far from what I already knew, that I wanted to help people.  However, with each day that I don't have a job I feel like I am helping no one and that I am letting God down.  Sometimes I truly feel like God wasted his time and talent on me.  Sometimes I question whether my vision of doing great things for others was a grandiose idea that I was never meant to have.

Yesterday at church I realized that I probably am disappointing God, but it is not because I don't have a job.  No, I have let my relationship with God dwindle.  Sure I still go to church every Sunday with my mom.  I take care of my mom.  I try to abide by the Golden Rule.  I invite people to church.  I give money to poor people.  I volunteer.  And now I have even begun the process to begin joining the church.  However all of that is not really work.  At least I don't believe it is the work to which King Adamtey was referring.

Yes, I have been doing some good acts, but it is not enough.  My prayers have been inconsistent.  My reading and learning of the bible has been almost non-existent.  Instead of working for the Lord I realized that I was the one jobbing.  In other words, I was going through the motions for the benefits but not really doing what God needs for me to do.  I have been asking for blessings without putting in the work.  I realized that maybe, just maybe, I have been stagnant for the past few years because my relationship with God has also been stagnant.

So today is the day I have decided that I am really going to start working for God and not just jobbing.  I woke up and got on my knees and prayed.  That is something big for me, I am too embarrassed to say how I usually pray.  I found my guide to assist me in reading the bible.  I am going to get involved with something at church where I am forced to make more than just a one time commitment.  I need to figure out what God needs me to do and maybe I will figure out what I want to do.  It's time to get to work!

Overall, I figured and it was also suggested by one of my cousins, that if I "stay in his face he'll elevate and stretch me."  In other words by putting my work in with God, it will make other areas of my life work out too.  Today I am taking my first steps to get back on track.

#HoCoFaith

Preparing for the Inevitable

Between my involuntary vacation and the snow and ice days I have spent a lot of time with my mom in the past few months.  And it is call becoming much more clear to me that I need to start preparing for the inevitable...

My mother has Multiple Sclerosis.  This shouldn't come as a shock to most of you.  She was diagnosed when I was in middle school so you know that was a LONG time ago (but not too long lol).  Anyway, since she was diagnosed I have witnessed the gradual progression of the disease.  For my mother, her first symptoms were weakness in one half of the body.  Today the manifestation of the disease has affected everything from the way she walks, to her daily bodily function, her personality, and her memory.  In fact of all those, who memory is probably the worst.  It is probably her lack of memory that hurts the most.

 Her neurologist, who I love dearly, once told me that in 10% of MS patients that their biggest problem is cognitive functioning.  In my mom this is true.  For years my mom has not been able to hold down a job.  Her writing skills have diminished.  She doesn't really have an attention span to sit and read for long periods of time.  In fact, doing anything besides watching tv is hard for her.  She has to be given very simple instructions over and over again.  Many times writing things down for her is the best way for her to remember.  Now I have noticed that she has trouble remembering certain words and her speech is regressing.

Long term, short term memories they are all pretty much a blur to her at this point.  She has asked me which high school she went to and what her wedding date was.  She doesn't remember much of my childhood much less her own.  She can barely even remember what she had for breakfast.

It is hard for me.  It is hard trying to be four steps of anticipating someone else's needs.  It is hard to hold the memories for two people.  I sometimes find myself getting nervous with my own memory issues.  I worry that the few times I miss and exit are a sign that I too might have MS.  I mean what would happen if I no longer can take care of my mom, who would take care of her?  Of me?

So I know I need to prepare.  I know I need to get used to the idea that my mom is going to keep getting worse.  Part of it is just mental.  As the days go by my mother is more dependent on me.  She seeks me as her financial adviser, her friend, her girlfriend, her companion and sometimes all of that is too much for me to handle.  Sometimes I just wish that I was a daughter and she was a mother.

Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling this way.  My mother is a wonderful woman.  MS has made her such a sweet lady (before that I can't say the same).  She is very caring of others.  She can be funny, even when she doesn't mean to be.  She can be a little feisty as well.  I love my mom and she did so much for her.  And I feel guilty that I am not providing the best of care for her.  I feel ashamed that I lose my patience.  I am sad when I don't have more understanding.

I know I need to physically prepare as well.  Right now I am living with family.  What am I going to do when I move out and it is just myself and her?  What am I going to do when I am at the point when I can't take care of her on my own?  All of these thoughts are running through my mind when I don't even have a steady job myself.  Sometimes I am worried about her needs when my own life at times feels as if it is in shambles.

I am scared.  I am nervous.  I am frustrated.  I am exhausted.  But having all those feelings, experiencing my anxieties is natural.  Venting is ok.  But in the end she is still my mom, the woman who raised me.  She is still my responsibility.  One way or another, I am going to have to find a way to make it work, for her, and for me.

***For more information on Multiple Sclerosis please click here.

Black History Month

February.  You know what that means?  The Superbowl?  Well yes, that was yesterday, but I am referring to Black History Month.  Yes, Black History Month is a month that I always look forward to but it increasingly seems to bring out the worst in people.  So I have decided to take it upon myself to answer some questions that come up every year.

1.  Why does there need to be a Black History Month?

Black History Month was created as a supplement to what you have learned in school.  It is a way of recognizing all of the contributions that African-Americans (besides Martin Luther King, Jr. and Harriet Tubman) have made to this country.

Also some might ask an alternative of the same question:  Why does there need to be a Black History Month, there is no White History Month?

          Let's be honest, most of the history lessons that we receive in school are Eurocentric.  We learn about the Roman Empire, Greek mythology, the World Wars, but how often were we taught anything about Africa or even countries of the African Diaspora?  I mean with the exception of slavery, very little.  So I guess if you wanted there could be a White History Month, but it would probably be superfluous since every other month seems to be that way already.

2.  Why is Black History Month the shortest month of the year?

  We can credit Dr. Carter G. Woodson as the father of Black History month.  Dr. Woodson was a famed author of many books including the still top selling book The Mis-Education of the Negro.  In 1926, he initiated Negro History Week.  It was later extended to continue through out the full month of February.

For more information on Dr. Carter G. Woodson :

http://www.naacp.org/pages/naacp-history-Carter-G.-Woodson
http://www.biography.com/people/carter-g-woodson-9536515
http://www.africanamericanhistorymonth.gov/woodson.html

3.  Well now that we have a black president (President Obama) why do we still need Black History Month?

Oh boy.  How do I begin?  First, the election and re-election of President Obama did not end racial inequality in the United States.  Many people say that we are living in a "post racial" society.  However, if anything, the election of President Obama has only heightened already tense racial situations.  The passage of the Civil Rights Act has not eliminated racism and inequality.  Each day there is a new reminder that we have not come as far as we would like to believe.  Black face, the use of racially insensitive comments, behavior, and images is still alive and well.

I am a product of the Midwest.  I grew up beside white people.  I went to school with white people.  I called white people my friends.  I still do.  I am blessed enough to have been able to have been raised in an environment where I have been afforded the same advantages as my white counter-parts.  I was also raised to remember our ancestors and the people who fought for me to live the life I live today.  I am a lucky one.  But not everyone has had what I have had.  Not everyone has people surrounding them to teach them about the past.  We need positive examples of African-Americans.  Our children need to know that our people are doctors, lawyers, and inventors and not just reality tv stars, athletes and rappers.  It is important that after Brown v. Board of Education that little black girls don't still look at the brown dolls and believe that they are ugly.

4.  Slavery has been over, why does everyone still bring it up?

It is important to reflect on slavery and its repercussions.  The fact is that slavery, systematic racism, and racial oppression still have far reaching affects today.  The reason why black people test lower and have lower graduation rates, have more health problems and have a lack of efficient health care, higher incarceration rates, and even why we live or don't like in certain neighborhoods is all a result of the effects of slavery.

Some people still want their "forty acres and a mule" that was promised to us.  Other people just want an apology.  But all of those solutions will not account for the hurt and pain that black people have faced throughout the course of history.  So yes, for no we still do need to have a Black History Month to learn about the past and improve the future.

But in case you don't agree with me just see what the cast of Saturday Night Live had to say about Black History Month: