I was in like with a man. Ok I am still in like with a man. As a result I have been a on a love roller coaster. It is a love roller coaster a majority of which was self-imposed. And while I have been on this roller coaster I lost myself, but today I am getting off of this ride. Today I am regaining that woman I let go of for the past few weeks.
I have been dating this guy for almost two months. You may remember I wrote about him a few posts ago. When we met there was this instant connection. When we were together there was an unquestionable chemisty. The first month I was riding high on a cloud of happiness and joy. For the first time, in a long time, I thought that I might have found someone that I could spend my life with. Yes I know it was a little too soon to predict that, but sometimes you have these feelings that you can't explain. I had it. And I had it bad.
Month two has been a downward spiral. I went from being this vibrant, strong, dynamic woman to being this woman I am kind of embarrassed of. My friends told me this. I knew, yet I couldn't stop. I was on a one-way ticket to Crazytown. Suddenly my thoughts were revolving around the actions of a man. My mood was determined on a man. My daily happiness was dependent on a man. A man. A MAN. As if any man should have that kind of power of me. I was waiting by the phone to hear from him. I was holding my breath every time I texted him. I held back the things I wanted to say. I did all of this in the hopes that he would realize that I am the one for him. And in the end I think when I lost myself, I lost him too.
But I also must confess my roller coaster was not just him. A few months ago I took a test that confirmed what I already subconsciously knew. I am a girl who needs her downtime. I need some good old fashioned by myself, doing what I want, not speaking with anyone for hours, alone time. And for a long time I felt guilty about that until I realized that if I don't take the time to have some quality alone time I will be imbalanced. Well yesterday it hit me. I haven't had my alone time in a couple of months. Trying to balance work, family, friends, the guy I am dating, and all my extra-curricular activities I was running on E, shoot I was skating by on fumes. As a result, I have not been myself. Couple that with my own insecurities and dating someone that pricks those feelings is a molotov of disaster.
Today is my fresh start. Today I decided that I was no longer going to be a shell of my former self. It's back to the basics. I am am re-focusing my energy on myself. Because in the end I am the most important person in my life. It is past due time for me to start acting like it. So I told the guy all of this. Granted, it was in an extremely long text. I didn't want to go another day with all this bubbling up in my chest. And I am not giving up complete hope that that we can make it, but for now I am letting go. I am jumping off of this roller coaster mid-ride. I am not going to wait around for someone to pick me. I am picking myself.