Saturday, March 29, 2014

Green Eyed Monsters

Jealous.  Envy.  Frustration.  These are demons that I have been dealing with for the past few weeks.  It has been especially hard for me to articulate a problem that is internal.  Being jealous is especially hard to talk about with friends when they may be the subject of your envy.  So the past few weeks I have been trying to take some time to step back and really focus on the green eyed monsters that have been impeding my happiness.

So what makes me jealous?  A lot of things.  I am jealous of people who have a stable job.  I am jealous of people who have their own place.  I am jealous of people who can buy a $200 purse or who can take a random trip out of the country and don't think twice about it.  I am jealous of people who are married.  I am jealous of people who can go to their parents and ask for advice.  I am jealous of people who could be gone from their house for a week straight and not have to tell anyone where they have been.  I envy people who can eat whatever they want and not gain weight.  I envy those women who have big butts and juicy lips.  I am envious of people who can walk into a shoe store and not feel disappointed each and every time. I am envious of people who don't automatically figure out what bills they are going to pay each time they get their paycheck and how much that will leave them with to live for the rest of the week.  I am envious of people who can truly take care of their parents so that they have a comfortable lifestyle. I am jealous of people who don't feel like they have the burdens of the world falling on their shoulders.  I am jealous of people who are always happy.  I am jealous of people who can block out things that make them unhappy and who are not tainted from their dramatic experiences.  I am envious of people who are essentially "normal", or whatever that is.  I envy those who are walking in their purpose and feel fulfilled each day.  And because of all of this, and then some, I am frustrated.

So what do I do about it?  I took some time to think about all of this.  Jealously/envy while it is natural it is a terrible feeling.  We are taught both in and outside of church to not compare ourselves to others.  But right now that is all I am doing.  And even more so I am assuming that just because someone has some of the things I mentioned that they are even happy.  A lot of people are not.  What was that about the grass being greener on the other side?

I feel kind of guilty about feeling this way, especially now.  Right now I am working on a temp gig (only my second of the year so far).  I am starting to get some interviews.  I am working on my relationship with God and in the process of joining a new church.  I am really starting to articulate what I am looking for in the my potential suitors.  All these things should make me happy.  Yet here I am frustrated.  I am frustrated because I have been in the same position for so long.  I feel stagnant.

I feel like this frustration is a test in my faith.  Many people think that the closer you are to God, that the less problems you have.  This is not true at all.  I have found that as I have been really working on this relationship with God that I have been becoming more frustrated.  It is because I am starting to recognize more about myself and my surroundings.  I realize I am not where I want to be, where I should be and I get frustrated about it.  I work on trying to be a better person everyday and it is HARD!  I tell friends about the principles I am learning at church and what I am reading in the bible and a lot of times it is hard for me to practically apply these same things to myself.

So, that being said, I am definitely a work in process.  And I am definitely slowly slaying these green eyed monsters in the process.

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