A few weeks ago I noticed there were new pictures on my phone. Well they weren't new pictures exactly they are old pictures from a few years ago. But they are new to the phone as I did not take them or download them myself. I guess it is something with the IPhone and that whole cloud business that I still don't quite understand. Regardless, they are on my phone until I figure out how to get rid of them.
The downside of old pictures are old memories. Mixed in with my crazy selfies and group pictures of the girls are pictures of me and my ex. Yes, THAT ex. The ex I thought who I was going to marry. I can remember each picture for where we were and how I was feeling when I took it. Each time I was so happy and in love and I was with someone who I knew loved me too, well at least that is what I thought at the time.
Seeing the pictures of my ex and I in our happy times actually makes me sad. It makes me sad because I was so in love and now, I'm not. Don't worry, don't worry I am definitely not going to regress and contact him. Even though he has started to confront me in my dreams, I know that it is best that we remain apart with no contact.
But it still doesn't change this feeling. I want to be in in love and to be loved. I want someone who feels the same way about me as I do about them. I want a man by myself who truly feels that I am awesome and accepts the good, the bad, and the ugly things about me. I want a relationship that is easy, but can be challenging for the right reasons. I want someone who can make me a better person while I encourage them to be their best. I want a partner in crime and I partner in life. I need someone who I can talk to about the Real Housewives of Atlanta but I can also talk to them about the awesome service I heard at church. I want all of this and more. And I think to a varying degree that's what most people want.
The other day my friend called the last guy who I dated a "placeholder." A placeholder being a person who fills a space for a temporary time. It may have been taken a back at first, but I knew she was right. I might have even known very soon in our almost three month failed courtship that he was never going to be someone who I was with permanently. And because of this, because he was my placeholder, there was really never a right fit for him in my life. I was unhappy for three months because I let someone in who was never meant to fill that place in my heart.
But I am getting older. I don't want anymore placeholders. I want someone who is going to hold a permanent place in my heart. And I in return want to be someone's eternal placeholder. I suppose the time has come for me to be ok with passing up on the false sense of comfort that I feel with a placeholder. I need to feel ok with being lonely sometimes. Because if I am faithful I know that the right person will be here soon and when he does I will feel love and be loved.