Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Ex Update

I debated whether to write on this subject for the past few days.  I am really tired of thinking about my ex and I think he has gotten more than enough attention on this blog.  However, in honor of being transparent and letting my readers get to know me better (and I am having trouble falling asleep) I thought that I would update you all on the situation with my ex.

As you may remember it was over a month ago since we last communicated.  To summarize, we had plans, he cancelled (as he as done throughout the duration of our friendship/relationship), he sent a tardy half-assed apology, and I told him to cease contacting me until he grew up, again this is just paraphrasing.

These past few weeks have been rough for me.  Although my communications with him had definitely decreased up until last month we still had been in regular contact.  For me, this was kind of a cold turkey/I'm fed up move on my part.  Of course the holidays were also difficult, as I suspected.  Part of me kept thinking maybe he will surprise me and send an I'm sorry present or even just a Christmas card, but not to my surprise I didn't even get a text message over the holidays much less anything else (although I wish he would send me back my stuff that has been at his house including my Ipod...but I digress).

Anyway, I had gotten through the holidays and I had hit my stride.  I had gone on a few dates with someone who didn't work out.  I was feeling ok being wrapped up in only work and the gym.  That is I was feeling ok until my ex texted me last week.  His text messaged said something like: I was thinking about you and your mom.  I hope all is well.  My heart stopped.   I couldn't figure out what to say.  My first instinct was to ignore it.  But I HATE being ignored myself!  It is against my principles to ignore someone, especially someone that I have a history with.  On a side note, I don't know why I hate being ignored, besides the fact that it is rude.  I wonder if I feel like this because I was a little black girl in Illinois and thought that because of this people weren't taking me seriously?  Moving on, I texted my cousin for help.  We have a man troubles pact going on right now.  Meaning we are both dealing with guy situations.  So instead of doing something crazy or something we regret we text/email/call each other instead.  She told me to use "Christian kindness".  So that is what I did.  I texted him back saying that mom and I were well.  And that I hope all was well with him.  He then texted me back and said he was ok and I replied that it was good to hear.

After not hearing a response I thought that my short, yet polite texts had conveyed the message that I wasn't interested in catching up for old times sake.  I mean I know him very well.  I am sure that he had been thinking about me and maybe even mom.  But I know that he was trying to wiggle himself back into my life.  He was merely just dipping his toe in the sea of uncertainty to see whether I would respond.  So I was not totally surprised when I received another text message later in the week.  It was sent at around midnight on Friday night/Saturday morning asking if was in DC.  Luckily, I was dead to the world from taking Tylenol PM that night so I didn't see his message until the next morning.  But I decided that the best course of action was just to delete and keep it moving.

Unfortunately since then it hasn't been that easy.  It is like he is now in the forefront of my mind instead of the back, where he had been successful pushed for the past few weeks.  I keep thinking that I miss him.  My cousin asked me if I actually missed him or being in a relationship and I said both.  There are some things I would have shared with him because he would think were funny.  I miss watching football with him and trash talking.  Sometimes I even just miss cuddling with him at night at his freezing cold house.  But in the end, I have to stay strong to myself.  So every time I want to contact him I email myself instead.  It started off pretty angry, and wrote really inappropriately mean emails.  But eventually the emails became less hostile and were kind of sad.  Now I have more dialogues with myself about the things I would tell him if he were to contact me again.  I guess everyone gets over things in different ways.

I keep wondering why it has been so hard for me to get over this guy, especially a man who did not treat me with all the respect that I deserved?  I think that looking back he was really my first true love.  I thought that he was going to be my last boyfriend.  I never pictured us not together.  I threw in everything I had in a way that I had never done before.  I opened up myself and was completely vulnerable, even though in the back of my mind I thought that I was also going to get hurt by him in the end.  I guess I miss being in love and being loved.  In many ways, he knew me better than most, but in other ways he didn't know me at all.

I don't think last week is the the end of him by any means.  If anything, this is probably the beginning.  But I am a different person than I was the almost year ago when we broke up.  And I am even different from the almost two months ago that we stopped talking.  I feel stronger and I am working on me, which is what I should have really been doing all along.  Is that why I am single? lol

So that was the ex update.  Hopefully though I will not have to give another...

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