Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Winter blues

Today I felt a little down.  There are a lot of mixed feelings swirling around in this brain of mine.  First, the weather.  This feels like it has been the most dreary winter ever.  For every one day of sun we have six days of clouds.  YUCK!  I am ready for the summer in the worst way. There is nothing more that I would like right now than to feel a warm breeze and the sun warm my skin all while wearing a sundress and some cute sandals.  Soon enough, right?

What else has me feeling the blues?  Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.  You know Valentine's Day, the commercialized holiday to remind you that you are single.  And this year I am very single.  Last year around this time my ex and I had just broken up.  I can't believe that it has been a year.  It has taken me around that much time to get over him.  So no I have no plans.  I am not even doing dinner with the girlfriends like I did last year.  This year I will probably just go to the gym haha.  I am truly the most excited that I ordered flowers to be delivered for my mom.  I think she will be so excited.  I wish I really had money then I would buy flowers for all of my single girlfriends just so it would put a smile on their faces.

So what's the last thing that has me down?  My dad.  My dad's death anniversary is on Sunday.  I did the math today and it was 15 years ago when he passed away from cancer.  Some people ask me how I deal with it and does it get easier?  I am not sure that you ever really get over it.  I can't say that it gets easier either.  Sometimes I am ok, and there are days like this where I really long for that comfortableness that only a father could show his daughter.  In fact as I get older my perspective on losing a parent at a young age changes, especially since my mom is not at the mental capacity to act as the older, wiser adult that I sometimes desperately need.  There are many times where I wish I had my dad to bounce off ideas.  I wish that I could ask him questions about his childhood.  I wonder if some of personality traits that I have are his gift to me.  I wish he could have met the guys I have dated and threaten to shoot them if they mistreated me.  I wish I could confide in him and that he would tell me that everything will be ok.  I wish we could go to the movies together and listen to music together like we used to.

But in the grand scheme of things tomorrow is another day.  Sunday is another day.  And this is just another winter.  Today I am a little down.  Tomorrow I will be fine.

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