Yesterday at Bridgeway Community Church we had a King deliver the message. Yeah that's right I said a KING. King Adamtey from Ghana, delivered a message asking "Are You Working or Jobbing?" He explained that work involves working for a purpose. A job is something that you do just to exist. He explained that God didn't create us just to do jobs, but to work. The message spoke directly to how I have been feeling. This message motivated me at a time when I very much needed the motivation.
The past few weeks I have been deep in reflection. I have been processing how I view myself and others view me and it has kind of been a rough process. One thing that always comes up is how not having a steady job affects other aspects of my life. Yes I am consistently balancing the funds in my bank account. And yes I keep passing on buying snow boots to make sure I pay another bill. I have to skip a few outings and a few fancy meals from time to time. But all of that is just surface level material things.
The loss of my job and the trouble of trying to find a new one definitely has taken a toll on my confidence. I now question my abilities and skills and wonder if I am really good at anything at all. I know I shouldn't think that way. I don't try to. But it is hard when you feel like the last kid left on the sidelines for a game of dodge ball. I sit back and listen to people tell stories from their jobs and about their co-workers. What stories do I have? I took a really interesting quiz from Buzzfeed? I found a great recipe on Pinterest that I will probably never make because I rarely get time alone in the kitchen?
At the end of the day it is not the actually lack of a job that bothers me the most. It is the fact that I am not fulfilling God's purpose for me. I started this whole blog trying to figure out my purpose and work on my relationship with God. I read the Purpose Driven Life and The Dream Giver to help me figure it out all. It helped and I felt motivated, for awhile. I figured out that I really wasn't too far from what I already knew, that I wanted to help people. However, with each day that I don't have a job I feel like I am helping no one and that I am letting God down. Sometimes I truly feel like God wasted his time and talent on me. Sometimes I question whether my vision of doing great things for others was a grandiose idea that I was never meant to have.
Yesterday at church I realized that I probably am disappointing God, but it is not because I don't have a job. No, I have let my relationship with God dwindle. Sure I still go to church every Sunday with my mom. I take care of my mom. I try to abide by the Golden Rule. I invite people to church. I give money to poor people. I volunteer. And now I have even begun the process to begin joining the church. However all of that is not really work. At least I don't believe it is the work to which King Adamtey was referring.
Yes, I have been doing some good acts, but it is not enough. My prayers have been inconsistent. My reading and learning of the bible has been almost non-existent. Instead of working for the Lord I realized that I was the one jobbing. In other words, I was going through the motions for the benefits but not really doing what God needs for me to do. I have been asking for blessings without putting in the work. I realized that maybe, just maybe, I have been stagnant for the past few years because my relationship with God has also been stagnant.
So today is the day I have decided that I am really going to start working for God and not just jobbing. I woke up and got on my knees and prayed. That is something big for me, I am too embarrassed to say how I usually pray. I found my guide to assist me in reading the bible. I am going to get involved with something at church where I am forced to make more than just a one time commitment. I need to figure out what God needs me to do and maybe I will figure out what I want to do. It's time to get to work!
Overall, I figured and it was also suggested by one of my cousins, that if I "stay in his face he'll elevate and stretch me." In other words by putting my work in with God, it will make other areas of my life work out too. Today I am taking my first steps to get back on track.