While I was driving home from the gym earlier today, yes I went to the gym (but I will save that for a different post), I was reflecting on the holidays. Basically from November until about February I have always been kind of down. A few years ago I self-diagnosed myself as having seasonal affective disorder (now I understand why teachers wrote that I always complained of being sick and why I knew the definition of a hypochondriac at such a young age). I don't care if I grew up in Illinois, after living in Louisiana for three years, I no longer have a tolerance for the cold.
Another contributing factor to my sadness is thinking about the major changes that happened at this time. When I was in 8th grade around Thanksgiving my mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. In that same 8th grade year in January, my dad was then diagnosed with cancer. My dad ended up passing away from cancer three years later in February.
But now there is the added wrench of being single. For the past two years the holidays were partially spent with my boyfriend at the time. He would always work on Thanksgiving so I would pack a plate to go for the both of us an travel down to his place at night so he could have dinner. And always to top it off we would cook the turkey at one of us bought from Popeyes. I must tell you I would start talking about this turkey in summer. It was serious business. But this year, we are not together. There will be no Popeye's turkey for me, and no trip to Virginia to spend part of the holidays with him. In fact, I even have to work on Friday, so that pretty much eliminates so of the free time I would have had anyway. Then I started thinking about New Year's, and how I have no one to kiss this year...
But despite all of this, for the first time maybe ever in life, I am single and ok with it. I told my co-worker today that I am single single. Meaning, I am single with no prospects. I mean single and not going on ANY dates. Don't get me wrong, I would like to be taken out to dinner, the movies, shoot even McDonald's is a step up from nothing lol. However, this is the first time I have felt comfortable with being alone, because I truly know what I want and don't want. I remember when I was younger and less confident, I blindly longed for companionship. Now with a few relationships under my belt and becoming a little older and a lot wiser I am ok with being single. I have decided that I would much rather be single than be unhappy and with someone. I am ok with waiting and being patient until the right person comes along. I value myself and my desires so much more than I ever have before.
I have been able to do so much while not having to worry about men. I have been able to take vacations. I can go out and flirt with the security guard at a bar that has neck tattoos and not feel ashamed. I can spend as much time with my girls as I want. I do not have to worry about allotting time in my schedule for someone who wouldn't have the courtesy to do the same. I have been able to spend more time with my mom. I have learned more about her. I have been more comfortable with her. And I am learning how to appreciate her despite of her flaws. And most importantly, I am learning to love myself despite my own flaws.
I am in a new place in my life. It is feels kind of scary, but kind of good at the same time. But overall I am single and I am ok with it.