Sunday, December 2, 2012

Am I Like Rihanna?

So I have been thinking about the post topic for the past few days.  A few days ago Rihanna posted a picture of her on Instagram kissing the head of someone who looks like Chris Brown.   Now if you follow pop culture like I do, you know that the troubled twosome have been re-kindling their friendship for the past few months.  It appears that the the picture was just a culmination of what we all knew what was going to happen:  Chris Brown and Rihanna getting back together.  So when I thought about this and what happened to me this weekend it made me wonder, am I like Rihanna?

No I am not talking about our party habits, nor our sense of style, or even our personalities (even though I know I am fab).  No I am talking about this pattern of returning to those who have hurt us in the past.

So here is my story.  I know a few weeks ago I pledged to no longer talk to my most recent ex.  It lasted a few weeks or days, I don't really remember, before we were talking again.  He never questioned why I stopped talking to him, things just went back to normal I guess.  On and off we both had suggested seeing each other, since we haven't seen each other since March.  I decided that what better reason to reunite but while watching football with our rival teams playing this past Thursday.  He took off that day as he normally works at night.  I was working in DC so it was not out of my way.  We agreed to meet somewhere in DC, which is a neutral location for both of us, thus guaranteeing that it would be a friendly meet up and nothing more.

So why did I want to see him?  Well it had just been so long I missed him.  I mean this had been someone that had been in my life for a few years and we still talked, although not as frequently.  I also wanted to talk to him in person about things.  I feel like text messages cannot give me the truth and potential closure that I may have needed.  And it is nearly impossible to reach him via phone.  I felt like if we were going to attempt to be real friends and not diving in the the gray area of more than friends but less than a committed relationship that at least for me there needed to be some clear boundaries.  Because clearly for someone that declared that they only wanted to be friends the banter was overly friendly.  If you want to be my friend, just be that, without sending confusing mixed messages and later backtracking and acting as if I am crazy for playing along.

Thursday came.  I was excited but fairly nervous.  Yet the whole time I was plagued with this feeling that he was going to cancel.  Why?  Because was always notorious for that, both while we were dating and when we were in a relationship.  So what happened?  He backed out.  I wish I hadn't deleted the message (because I am deleter not much stays in my phone these days).  He texted me, not called ( the coward way out).  The text said something about sorry I have to cancel.  I am having mixed feelings and I am hungover.  Now you have another reason to hate me.  I texted him back to ask him if he was serious.  No response.  So I called him.  He confirmed the information that he sent in the message.  I promptly told him something to the effect that he was no different than before.  That I am tired of his bullshit and to have a nice day and nice life and that I was done.  When I got back to my seat (because I am at work, and he has the uncanny ability to piss me off while I am at work), I texted him a message saying unless you can be a real friends don't contact me again.

That was Thursday.  I haven't contacted him since, nor have I heard from him.  I am not surprised though.  Why? Because He is a coward.  He always has been maybe always will be.  He was too afraid of what I was going to say to him, of what was going to happen.  Meeting at a bar in DC to watch football, sounds like something stressful right?  Umm no.  And the thing is, he has shown this repeated pattern over time.  So why would I think things were different?  What incentive has he had to change?  None.

I feel disgusted.  I am disgusted in him, obviously.  I don't know what kind of grown ass man behaves this way, especially someone who wants to be my friend.  I am disgusted that he didn't really apologize and he never has and probably never will.  Part of me waits for a sorry card to come in the mail, or a gift, but I can keep waiting forever because for someone who cares about nobody but himself, it is never going to come. I feel stupid for all the times that I apologized to him over and over gain for trivial things that made him upset but how he has never batted an eyelash at the egregious offenses he has done to me.

But maybe I am more disgusted in myself.  I am disgusted that I dated this man for two years, despite the red flags that I saw throughout our relationship.  I am disgusted that I could continue to care for and maybe even pine after a guy who obviously has no respect for me as a girlfriend or even a friend.  I am disgusted that I am willing to give a man chance after chance who does not deserve it.  And it is obvious when we made the plans how wrong I felt because I didn't even tell most of the people I knew what I was doing, nor did I tell them what happened after he cancelled for the billionth time.  Why?  Because I knew that I was going down a bad path.  Then when I was burned I didn't feel like hearing I told you so, and what were everyone was thinking, because from reading this post I think that you can tell that I have beaten myself up more than anyone else can.

And while I was angry on Thursday and ready to be done, and while I am still angry today and still ready to pretend that I never met him, part of me wonders if in a few days, a few weeks, a few months if I will let him back in my life.  I have endured more heartache from one thoughtless man than I can stand. How can I be so strong in so many other facets of my life, and so weak for this one person?  And although I know my situation with this ex does not compare to domestic violence I wonder if Rihanna and I have share the common trait of letting people back in our lives who have proven time and time again that they do not deserve us?  Is this beginning of a pattern for me?  Will the next person I date just be my ex 2.0?  I hope not.

Unlike Rihanna there is one thing that I a benefit from.  Age.  I am just too damn old to put up with someone else's bullshit.  I think my loneliness has a lot to do with why I even still communicate with my ex in the first place.  My friend's grandmother used to tell her that you have to get under someone to get over someone.  Now, I don't agree with that principle at all, but I do get it.  A new person will take your mind off of the old. The truth is I do want to date.  I do want to find a new person to love.  BUT, I do not want to take up with just anyone.  I just want to be with someone who truly cares about me, and someone who loves me as I love them.  But until then, alone I am.

As for the ex thing.  I am ready to let it go.  I hope he heads my warnings and doesn't contact me.  It is time for me to truly move on and to break this cycle.  I don't want to be the non-famous version of Chris Brown and Rihanna, because that is not cute nor is it healthy.

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