Why Don't You See What I See?

As part of my job I drive a lot.  This excess driving time gave me ample time to think about life, more specifically my dating life (or lack thereof).  And I realized something I already knew:  I am frustrated!

I know I haven't written a post in a few months (my apologies).  The thing is, life has been pretty uneventful. I work, workout, cook and clean, and maybe go out for the most part.  I have been spending a lot of time with my mom, and I MEAN A LOT.  I have become a homebody homebody of sorts. I rarely fully commit to plans so that I have the option of staying home and sleeping without offending others.  Oh and yeah, dating has been a non muthaf$*%@! factor.

The last time I "seriously" was dating a guy was in July.  And I use the quotation marks because I was serious but I don't think he was hence why we broke up <insert laughing/crying emoji face here>.  Since then I haven't really felt like being bothered.  I have had exes come and quickly leave (thank God).  Oh and in December I went on the hands down worst date I have ever been on in my entire 30 something years on this planet.

This year I haven't made any official new year resolutions.  However, I have unofficially decided to give up completely on online dating (at least for a year).  Quite honestly, at the rate I have been going, I am starting to question whether dating is going to be part of my 2017 at all, but I digress...

As I was driving today I realized the most frustrating thing about dating is that men don't see what a catch I am!  Oh and I am a catch!  I am not being arrogant here.  I am a rare combination of beauty, brains, compassion, passion, humor, silliness and seriousness.  I have so much love to give to the right person, whenever he  presents himself.  Guys, I don't get it, why don't you see what I see?  There are so many men that I have met who I think are amazing.  So what's up with ya'll not seeing my awesomeness?  I don't get it. 

And I don't want to see any of those old cliche sayings from you people, yes you people.  You know what I am talking about the whole "when you stop looking you will find someone".  Or "Do you approach guys"?  And "let the guys approach you".  "Have you tried online dating?"  *rolls eyes* Blah blah blah I ain't trying to hear that man.  

What I am trying to hear is for a man to understand all this greatness in front of him and snatch it up before someone else does!  But until that happens I am going to plan like 2017 has some other great things for me that don't include a man and keep it moving.

Don't Read The Comments

Over the past year or so I have learned a new mantra:  Don't read the comments!.  You see I for quite some time I have had this love/hate relationship with social media.  While it is a great tool for connecting and creating discourse it is also a lousy tool for everyone inserting their opinion when no one cares.  I tell you, if you want to see humans at their worst read the comments from a post or from an article.  It is as if people think that the stupid, hateful, mean, and ugly things that they say are ok because of the First Amendment or because we "live in America" and blah blah blah.  Have we always been a society filled with hate and rage or is this a new phenomenon created by the rise of a certain presidential candidate?

It shouldn't bother me right?  They are just words.  They are people I don't even know right?  Eh not always.  Sometimes they are former friends, classmates, and coworkers.  Reading some of the vile things that people post and comment on makes me sick to my stomach.  It makes me question the people who I thought that I knew and it makes me question my own judge in character.  It also makes me realize just because someone might know me does not mean that it will influence their thoughts or opinions on issues that directly effect me as a black woman.

But maybe is the worst when I read the comments of strangers.  It is in these incidents that I instantly feel the need to prove my point with logical statements and facts thinking that maybe, just maybe I can change one mind today.  Who am I kidding?  They don't want to change.  They are perfectly happen living in denial, ignorance, and/or filled with hate.  I always have told me that you can't change others you can only change you react to others, but why can't I follow my own advice?

So everyone save yourself the trouble and the energy by following my advice:  Don't read the comments!

Finding Happiness

This year has been quite the year.  My mom and I moved to an apartment and I got my first permanent job after many years of looking.  A few days ago I turned 35 (or thirty-fine has my waitress proclaimed it last night).  Yet, my spirit is still not settled.

The weight of being a caretaker is tough.  It was hard before we moved but now sometimes it feels impossible.  It is not just about scheduling appointments.  Now it is about making sure we always has meals ready, making sure she takes her medicine, teaching her how to use appliance and gadgets, and still today constant trying to get her to remember her new address.  I do all of this while craving quiet an alone time while my mother lives on constant attention.  It is tough.  I am tired and I never imagined I would be as drained as I am.  Sometimes I have flashes of thinking what will happen to my mom if I die prematurely.  I then have the small panic of feeling unprepared if that does happen.

I am doing a job that I love.  I am using my degree trying to make a difference in children who need help.  I like my colleagues.  I love the flexibility of my job.  Yet, over and over again I have trouble sleeping.  I find myself drifting somewhere between reality and the dream world and I can't discern whether that client who i am thinking about really exists or if I am stressing over a case that I have created in my dreams.  Having a permanent job is outstanding, but I find myself waiting for this job to disappear.  I keep anticipating when the shoe will drop again and I will figure out how to survive losing a job while maintaining a household.

At the end of the week I feel so exhausted.  I am exhausted with being a caretaker and I am exhausted with anxiety and worry.  On my days off I cram so much in that I don't even have the chance to decompress.

But today I decided I am going to find happiness again.  From now until the end of the year I am going to make a conscious effort to take care of myself, mind, body and spirit.  I am going to get back to doing things that bring me job.  I will not allow myself to feel guilty during those times when I practice self-care.  I also tell others that you have to make sure that you take care of yourself otherwise you will not be able to effectively help others.  But I never follow this.  I burn myself being everyone's everything all while I am being my nothing.  But today is the day that I stop that.  I am going to find happiness again and I will keep you posted on my progress.

Measure Up

Dating sucks ya'll.  The older I get the more I wonder if I should get comfortable with the idea that I will never get married.  I try to sometimes, but deep down I have hope, no matter how small.

So for right now I have decided to give dating a break.  The truth is I just am not meeting men who match what I am looking for.  And before you start to judge, I know my own flaws.  I am not saying that I am perfect, but I know that I have a lot to bring to any potential relationship.  I just haven't met someone who enough qualities to bring to the table.

This weekend I took a little road trip.  Since I was driving it gave me a lot of time to think, a lot.  And one of the thoughts that I had is that I have now lived longer than I have known my dad.  Between my own memories and the memories others I know he was a great father and a great man.  Not only was he the kind of person that I strive to be, but he is the kind of man who I am looking for in a partner.  He was not easily angered and remained pretty even keeled.  He was intelligent and had a dry sense of humor.  My dad worked hard and was dedicated to helping the community.  He was supportive and an encourager.  I keep wondering will there be a man who will measure up to him?

The problem is that we want all of these qualities in a man but we settle if a guy has two or three or one, or has a nice body?  Sometimes we get so wrapped up in someone being interested in us that we ignore the fact that we are not really interested in them.  And we do this because we are scared.  Scared there might not be another opportunity out there if we turn down this guy.  Unfortunately, if this was not the right match this wasn't really an opportunity either was it?

So it hit me.  I am taking this break.  I am going to just let things be.  2016 has been my year.  Maybe instead of finding a boyfriend to make this year complete I can find myself instead.

Waiting

I woke up during the middle of the night with the theme to a poem called Waiting.  Of course I went back to sleep and never wrote that poem lol.  But I thought that I would write about it instead.

So I had been dating this guy for the past few months.  I decided to not write about it because there were so many more interesting things going on in my life.  No I'm lying.  The truth is I didn't want him to read what I had to say and that alone should have been a sign to me.

Things started off cool.  I was coming off of a self-imposed dating hiatus.  He seemed really into me which was nice.  And he seemed different, but I guess that they all do at first.  The first couple of months seemed cool.  It was the third month that seemed shaky.  We talked on the phone less.  We texted less.  We only had dates weeks apart.  It was in that third month where I started to question whether he was enough.  I pretty much thought that he wasn't, but I did like his company so I waited to see if things would change.

While I was waiting other little things started to irritate me.  He was always tardy.  He didn't seem to listen to me.  He couldn't remember my middle name much less my birthday.  The conversations were often one-sided.  He had a quick temper and was impatient.  I waited to have a discussion with him but it got harder and harder to reach him.  

Last week I was tired of waiting for things to get better.  I wanted out.  I wanted to start dating other people without the guilt.  I told him he we should be friends but I would be open to a discussion about it.  He told me he wanted to have the discussion but not while he was driving.  The discussion never happened.  He went MIA and when he was no longer a missing person I didn't hear a peep.  

Today I realized I was tired of waiting for him to be the friend/man/boyfriend/husband that I wanted because I didn't want to be associated with someone who has such little regard for others.  Turns out when I was waiting for him to get his act together I was really waiting on myself to let go.

He might call me.  They all come back.  But I'm not waiting for him anymore.

Another Father's Day (Without My Father)

Here it is, another Father's Day without my father.  My life looks so different than it did on the first Father's Day without him back in 1998.  Back then I was a rising senior in high school balancing my quirkiness with my intelligence.  Somewhere around Father's Day '98, I was figuring out how to adjust to a move from Illinois to Maryland.  I was going into my senior year into a vastly unfamiliar area.  I was essentially starting over at the end.  I had to navigate the world minus one parent and with a parent who was slowly declining.  I had to begin to adjust to having my grandparents, who I only saw a couple of times a year, now being my full-time roommates.  I had no time to dwell.  No time time imagine the what ifs and would could have beens.  I just had to live.

Now all these years later I have kept living.  Taking care of my mother, living together and managing all of our idiosyncrasies and doctors appointments together.  Now starting a new job that combines my degrees and supports my desire to help others, just like my dad.  Recently, my mom has told me many times how proud that my father would have been of me.  I hope to that it is true.  I hope that my life is a testament the sacrifices that were made on behalf of my mom and my dad.  I hope that I am a reflection of the kind of person that he would have wanted me to be.

My dad passed away 18 years ago, but while some memories fade other memories are always as if they happened just yesterday.  I tell my friends who have lost a loved one that it doesn't get easier but you just learn how to adjust.  And I will admit that sometimes it hurts more now than it did then.  But I keep going, i keep living because I am sure that is what my dad would have wanted.

Never Never Never Give Up

If you have been a long time reader of my blog you know that I have been on a journey.  I have been trying to figure out the point of it all and whatever that may entail.  I have been trying to navigate through a sea of hardships and difficulties while still being faithful and perserverant.   This year, 2016, I have finally seen it all come together and I have nothing but praise for God.

I started off 2016 knowing that this year was going to be different.  My aunt whom I lived with died last October.  I knew that my mom and I would have move out of our family house.  I knew that I now would be my mom's sole caregiver.  It was a scenario that scared me for many years.  But this year I was no longer scared.  This year was my year, and I knew that I was going to be able to do it.  This says a lot because I am a planner and a worrier.  Most of you probably have no idea how much I stress about the unknown and trying to achieve near perfection.  I try to plan for every possible roadblock with multiple back up plans.  This year I was able to let some of that go.  No, I didn't figure out everything that would happen with my mom and her care.  No, I did not worry about not having the stability of a permanent job.  Yet I forged ahead anyway.

Today I am currently writing you from MY bed.  In MY apartment.  Yes MY apartment.  My mom and I moved into our own space a few weeks ago.  Am I happy? Absolutely. There is nothing like the feeling of coming home to a place that is my own.  It has not been without a few hiccups, but they are only hiccups not setbacks.  I have noticed how much my mom likes to talk and how much I like to be quiet.  I have also done more cooking the past two weeks than I have done probably in the past two years.

Having my own place has also helped me to get back on the healthy lifestyle path.  I have been going to the fitness center in my complex multiple times a week.  I was able to cancel my gym membership and save a few dollars.  I am careful about which foods that I am bringing in not only for myself but for my mom.  I have been making green smoothies for breakfast.  Eating out less.  Eating in more.  And I have been packing my lunch almost over day.  I have even started to drop some pounds as a result.

But the ending of this story might be the biggest.  Today was the first day at my new job!  Yes, my new permanent job.  This comes after  years of applying for jobs, sending resumes, going on interviews, going on second interviews, and rejection letter after rejection letter.  And it is position is going back to my roots.  Once again I will able to fulfill my spirit by representing children in child abuse and neglect cases.

Even though it is only June it feels like my year is complete, but it isn't.  I know this is just the beginning of more amazing opportunities.  I fully intend to both testify about my blessings but to be a blessing to others. My friends and family have been amazing over the years.  They have encouraged me when I felt down.  They have supported me when I needed help.  They have been my happiness when I have been down.  And I just can't imagine having done it all without them.  So thank you!!!!

And let this be a testament to others.  I thank the Lord for my mustard seed of faith.  I praise God for whom all blessings flow.  Sometimes when I volunteer with the organization #HashtagLunchBag (which I highly recommend) I decorate bags with the quote by Winston Churchill that says, "Never never never give up."  After a received a text message from a friend I realized that I didn't.  If you feel that you are at the end of your rope hold on keep going because God has more in store for you.

My Heroes

Ya know, there is a lot going on in the world right now.  Many people are looking for leaders like Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, or even President Obama to solve both our personal problems and our global ones.  But the truth is that there are unsung heroes right under our noses.  They are family, friends, neighbors teachers, etc.  It doesn't take fancy title or massive notoriety to make an far reach impact on the masses.

Today I realized that I have been blessed with the opportunity to know many such leaders in my life.

Early in the day I attended the funeral of one of my aunts.  While she technically wasn't my aunt by blood, I always considered her family.  She was that type of aunt who was sassy and spoke her mind.  She always looked like a superstar.  She was funny and considerate.  And she cared for others like it was second nature.  Every time that I saw her at a family function she brought a smile to my face.  

While I was sitting in my chair in the overflow room (I had to go to overflow room because so many people came out for her service) I thought about how she is the type of woman that I strive to be.  Between her, my other aunt, my dad, my grandparents, and countless others I have always had this example of the kind of person who I want to be. They are my heroes.  They are my leaders.  

So today, I give thanks to the heroes in my life.  I hope that someday I too can be someone else's hero.

Christian Politics

I have been watching this Presidential election cycle for months.  I have been watching with laughter, disgust, dismay, fear, anger, and ultimately tears in my eyes.  To hear candidates spew such hateful rhetoric, to see supporters taunt and assault those who may not carry ther same views, it is hard to watch, it is hard to stomach.  But through it all it is harder to watch this behavior from self-titled Christians.

I love politics.  For those who have known me for a few years you will know that I was inspired to become President after watching the film Mr. Smith Goes to Washington in my ninth grade civics class.  It is that film, that sparked my desire to help others on a grand scale.  To hold the office, I thought, would be the way to really make a difference while restoring America's faith in politics.  I wanted to be the candidate that made people think that some people really do care about making the world a better place. Over the years this desire has shifted.  I did not want to put my friends and family through the vetting process. But I have never quite given up the idea of running for an office.  In fact someday I plan to.

As I have grown more seasoned (not older but wiser lol) I have learned a lot about the politics process.  Being a government and politics major at the University of Maryland (GO TERPS!) helped me to understand the basis behind the decisions of politicians.  Growing in my faith has caused me to assess potential candidates through a spiritual lens, and what I see is far from the teachings of Christ.

The biggest principle that I stand on in my walk with Christ is love.  Everyday I attempt to become a better person and to do that is to practice love toward myself and to others.  I truly believe that if we all focused on this concept (no matter the religion or lack of religion) the world would be a radically different place.  (As an aside, I thought about not using the word radical in this post.  It is funny how radical has been used with a negative connotation.  I thought that it was important to use it in a positive connotation for this purpose.)  Yet, the rhetoric and the video that I see of the candidates looks far from love.  In fact it looks a lot more like fear, hate, anger, racism, homophobia, and misogyny. How can any candidate who calls themselves a Christian act this way?  How can any candidate who is a self-titled follower of Christ allow their supporters to treat others this way?  And how can we, as Christians, be complacent in these actions that are far from the teachings of Jesus?  Does that not make us just as culpable?

All I know is that Jesus didn't want us to build walls between us because he was a bridge builder.  Jesus did not want us to shun people who were different than us, he embraced them.  Jesus preached about caring for the children and the sick.  Jesus is love.  And love is not what I have seen for the past few months.

To me what is just as scary as people punching each other at candidate rallies is people turning away from the church because they see the awful things that those so-called Christians do.  The spiritual repercussions are already extending internationally and could have a lasting effect for years to come.  So this year when you go to the polls please ask yourself if the person for who you are voting is in line with your own moral and spiritual compass, because I know that I will.

My year of change

It's been awhile since I have last written and it is not for a lack of material.  For the first time in a few years I have felt more focused than I have ever felt.  When 2016 started I knew that it would difference and so far it has.

I'm focused man!  Yes that's right.  At the beginning of the year I made a list of goals.  I have yet to look back at said goals.  However, there have been two main objectives so far.  The first is to get my finances in order.  And the second has been to focus more on my relationship with God.  Since I made those two goals my priority, everything else has fallen into place.

I have been working like crazy.  Long days, long weeks, long months.  I have been working while still making sure my mom gets to all of her doctors appointments.  I have been working while having a few job interviews.  And with all of this I am happy to announce that my mom and I will be moving out into our own apartment in May!  It isn't fancy.  But it will be our own.  I am excited.  I think my mom is a little scared and a little sad.  She keeps telling me that she should be taking care of me and not the other way around.  And here I am wishing that we could live in the lap of luxury when we are living in a place that mostly completes both of our needs.  No, I haven't figured out every worst case scenario.  But I trust that God will help me as I go along because I am doing the right thing by him by honoring my mother.

So that brings to the man upstairs.  This year I decided that my focus has to be on God.  Mom and I have started to go to a women's bible study once a month.  I have been praying more than I ever have before. I have made it a priority to do more community service.  My friends and I created a volunteer club where we volunteer together once a month.  And yes I still have a long road ahead of me in my spiritual walk but I know that I am getting there. I truly believe that by making God my priority that my blessings have been flowing.

I know this isn't my most thought provoking post.  That's ok. There will be more time for that.  Today is just the goal is just to give you an update and to show you how blessed I feel right now.  I pray that it continues.

Welcome to 2016

Welcome to 2016.  Looking back on 2015 I realized why I had so few blog posts.  My life was boring, uneventful, and pretty uninspired, disappointing even.  Yes, I made it through another year, which is nothing to be taken lightly.  But the question I have been asking myself is did I really live?

The past few months have been a blur.  Jumping to the aide of sick family members and playing a support role during grieving is a selfless act.  At times like that you just go into automatic pilot.  You wouldn't believe how easily your instincts kick in.  But there is a downside with selflessness, you forget about your self.

When my aunt got sick and later passed away I tried to be as supportive for my grieving family as possible.  Having lost my own dad to cancer years ago I know the pain to lose a parent.  I tried to make things easier for my family.   I also had to make sure acknowledge my mother's feelings and loss with losing her only living sibling.  At the same time I still had to make sure that my mother's needs were met.  And in all of this, I managed to lose myself.

I lost sight of my visions.  I lost track of my goals.  I stopped going to the gym.  Suddenly things that used to be fun didn't even seem fun anymore.  I didn't feel like I knew myself anymore.  I kind of felt like I was going through the motions like a robot, a robot stuck in a corner.  But I have to WAKE UP.  I need to move on.  I have go to get myself together.  I tell other people all the time that you can't help others if you don't take the time to focus on yourself.  Such an easy concept to say and to never follow through with...

But it is 2016.  A fresh start.  A new year to try to correct what I got wrong last year.  I don't have resolutions per se.  I call mine "goals".  Usually my goals consist of the major aspects of my life.  For each theme I then write steps that I can do to achieve my goals.  To be honest though, I always have a few big overarching themes.  I really just want to be happy and be a better person.

The answer to the question did I really live is no.  But in 2016 it is time to start living!

Dating Hiatus

My goal for Saturday was simple, spend time with mom and then to promptly ditch mom to hang out with people my own age.  Nothing against my mom.  You know I love her!  But after a few weeks of making sure everyone else was ok, after hosting people, after comforting grievers (including myself), I was ready to have a good drink, and preferably a drink with the male persuasion.  Seems easy enough right?

The day began with a question.  Would "Bow Tie", a Tinder suitor who had survived yet another instance of delete, renege on his offer to take me to the Maryland v. Penn State Football game?  After not hearing another mention of this alleged date for nearly a week, I figured that the chances were slim.  I also decided that I needed to bite the bullet and contact him because after all spending time with my mom was still on my agenda.  He finally replied to my message only to say that it was going to be "hard to link up" and that he had "friends in from college" and a "four hour exam to take tomorrow" (he's in grad school).  All of this is well an dandy, but surely none of this became a revelation the night before or the morning of said game.  And you know what I let him know that too.  I am tired of guys cancelling plans on me.  I am more tired of guys cancelling plans but waiting for me to inquire myself.  What's wrong with you dudes?

So my planned date of the week was a bust.  That meant I needed to reach out to some other guys before time ran out.  One of those guys was Troy.  I didn't disguise his name as I usually do only because he is an asshole.  You see Troy is another Tinder leftover.

There were two times in which we were supposed to meet up and something fell through on his part.  Luckily for each time plans fell through Troy decided to text me a week later as if nothing happened.  When I called him out the last time he said he would make it up, but I had never seen any type of "making it up" occur.  No, instead what I witnessed is one weak ass text message a week that said good morning beautiful.

So when I texted Troy yesterday I was not expecting much.   He told me that he was working this weekend (which in my mind ruled him out as company already).  I went on to tell him that I was tired of dealing with the wackness on men, aka Bow Tie.  Troy then proceeded to tell me that he gave up because I was always busy.  So I asked him how he would know if I was busy if he only texted me one day a week.  The conversation escalated to me telling him if he though that he really made an effort than he really wasn't the one for me and I wished him good luck and fun at work.  He then proceeded to tell me I was mentally unstable and to not contact him again.  WHAT THE F?!?!? Ladies and gents, let me tell you something.  Yes, I do have a tendency to be dramatic, over the top, and borderline crazy, but this was NOT one of those times.  At least let me earn your insult!  I am crazy because I call you out on your weak ass approach?  Strike two for Di Mo.

In my third attempt I reached out to "D".  I can't think of a worthy nickname so this will have to do.  D, another potential Tinder suitor did not have a good initial impression.  His phone conversations included a long rant about his ex-wife and not trusting people and him telling me that his only goal left in life at the tender age of 40 was to travel.  He also said, "you don't seem link a lawyer, you seem like a genuine person."  Despite all this, I still gave D a chance.  We went on a date that was nice and I enjoyed his company.  And through everything going on with my aunt he checked up on me which I really appreciated.  I decided to show my appreciation by inviting him to my friend's work event.  While he accepted on Monday by the day of the event he was "too tired", to which I told him that he needed to make up to me.  He did get some shade from me when on the same night he cancelled he bragged about all of the food that he had cooked that night.  Guess you weren't that tired huh?

So I reached out to D and suggested to him that last night would be the perfect opportunity to cash in on that make up date.  He agreed.  My only criteria is that I wanted a good drink and I didn't want to think.  The time was set for 7:00pm.  By 5 pm I had heard of no details for said date.  I asked him if he had figured anything out.  He replied by asking how far did I want to drive to meet him.  Side bar, if you are making up for cancelling on someone, wouldn't be appropriate if you met in a convenient spot for that person.  Also, what happened to picking women up from their door?  Anyway, at 6:15 despite my headache, we had decided on a place that I thought seemed like a fair distance for both to drive.  I texted him that I was leaving the house.  He told me that I was going to get their before him which was confusing for me but I proceeded onward.  By the time I got to the restaurant he asked me if I wanted to postpone since he was still 30 minutes away and stuck in traffic.  I laughed, because I was already there and this seemed like the worst day in dating ever, and told him that he could postpone and I would find something else to do.  I then began to drive 30 minutes back near my house to get a drink at a local spot.  He then called me said he was at the place and looking for me.  I texted him to let me know I left.  He seemed kind of pissed.  Should I feel bad?  Maybe, but I don't.  I said we could postpone.  I guess that means we both wasted a trip huh?

So that was yesterday.  Yesterday is when I decided that a dating hiatus was in order.  If this is what the dating pool has become then I bow out gracefully.  I told some of my girlfriends my trials and tribulations from yesterday and they all had the similar response "men suck".  And don't get me wrong, I am not some male-bashing, men-hating, bitter black woman.  I love men.  I miss men.  I would love nothing better than to spend a nice evening the company of a good man.  I am just wondering where they are?  And if you are one and I have overlooked you just let me know, equal opportunity and all ;).  But until then I am ok in the chill zone.

The Fragile Life

I know that you all have been eagerly awaiting my next blog entry.  I am sure that you have noticed that my entries have become further and further apart.  Believe me it is not because I did not have anything to say, it's probably more because I had too much to say.  I had too much going on, too many thoughts in my head, so much contemplation on my heart, that I was overwhelmed.  I was dealing with life.

We always think that we are invincible.  It starts off when we are children.  We jump, run, bike all to the utmost levels of danger because we believe that we are superhuman.  We convince ourselves that we will never die and that we will never experience pain.  But as our flesh gets older and our minds grow wiser we know that eventually we will all experience our final day.

My aunt passed away a couple of days ago.  This is my aunt that I have lived with for the past few years.  The aunt that acted like a superhero taking care of sick family members, including her sister who is my mother.  My aunt and I could butt heads and then laugh and joke the next minute.  She would call to check up on folks regularly.  She always made sure that the house was fully stocked with ginger even though she and I were the only people who enjoyed it.  The aunt that cared so much for others that she often times neglected herself.

My aunt was surrounded by love in her final hours.  You would think that we were on Jay-Z and Beyonce status with the way that we took over the floor!  So many family members and friends were touched by a woman who believed that angels were looking down and guarding over her.  To many, she herself was an angel.

We always think that we will have one more day, one more day to say I love you, one more day to say I am sorry, one more day, to promise to stay strong for everyone.  We live such a fragile life, never knowing when our last day will be.  After my father died I made a vow to never put off saying how I feel.  I always try to let the people who I care about know how special they were/are to me.  And although I could have told my aunt more how much I loved her and appreciated her I would like to think that she knew.  I would like to believe that she passed knowing that I will take care of her sister and that she does not have to worry.  My mustard seed of faith allows me to know that my aunt is living beyond her earthly flesh among the stars.

So listen.  Don't take this life for granted.  Don't hesitate to tell your loved ones that they are loved.  As clique as it may sound you just never know when you will have that opportunity again.

I'm Not Your Baby

There are times when I truly feel that my peculiar dislikes will leave me single forever.  I don't know what to say.  I can't help it.  There are just some things that make me feel uncomfortable and I really can't change that.  Amongst those things that drive me crazy are when guys call me a pet name prematurely.

I remembered that I wrote about the pet name thing before.  If you want to see it click here.  But it wasn't until a few days ago that I really thought about the underlying reason why I hate pet names.  Sure I don't like feeling patronized.  The ultimate black feminist in me doesn't want to be considered as an object or a little girl.  But this week I realized that there as something much deeper that bothered me.

My friend reminded me of something that one of my ex-boyfriends said while we were dating.  He was telling me a story about how one of his friends as caught calling a woman who he was dating by the wrong name.  His advice to this friends as to call every woman baby so that he never got their names mixed up.  My girlfriend shared a similar story with me that the guy who she as dating, who she found out had a girlfriend, also referred to all his female companions as baby.

The reason why I don't want to be called baby or sweetie or sweetheart or anything similar, it just doesn't feel special.  Pet names are supposed to be for someone you care about.  Someone with whom you have a connection.  When I am online dating nothing makes me feel more turned off than when a guy that I have never met all of a sudden thinks it is ok to use terms of endearment.  It to me is the same as saying I love you.  Would you say I love you to a stranger?  Of course not, unless they just gave you a million dollars! lol

So there it is. Crazy or not.  I might be too picky.  But I just want to know that I am really special.  I don't want don't want to be just one of your babies.

My Alter Ego Ethel

Move over Chris Gaines and Roman Zolanski!  Mimi and Sasha Fierce have nothing on Ethel.  Yes, I have my own alter ego and her name is Ethel.  You see Ethel is a 75 year old grandma who doesn't give a phuck!  Ethel is one bad mama jama who speaks her mind, does what she wants, and apologize to no one.  Yeah right now I am Ethel, so if you don't like it suck it!

The truth is I am getting tired ya'll.  Sometimes I am just fatigued from being the people pleaser trying to save the world.  It's exhausting!  I am constantly trying be sympathetic. I am constantly anticipating everyone's next move or lack of move so I can step in and save the day.  I feel unappreciated and neglected.  No more checking up on you texts.  No more remembering that this is the anniversary of the death of the pet that you grew up with as a child.  No more follow ups to see how your day at the dentist was.  No more phone calls to see how you are dealing with your breakup after only dating that guy for three weeks.  This is the end of me setting a time to meet up that takes into account your tardiness.  I am not going to feel bad if I go places or do something by myself.  I will not feel guilty if I don't want to go out anymore because I don't feel like driving or I would rather watch Murder She Wrote on Netflix.  Ethel will not let me bite my tongue nor will she let me stay completely quiet to avoiding hurting the feelings of a sensitive person who has no regards for my own feelings.  She will not let me play nice.  Because the Ethel in me wants me to enjoy my own life and stop worrying so much about everyone else's.  I mean clearly who is worrying about me?  No one.

Part of me embracing my inner Ethel is realizing that there are just some people who are not going to value you me as I value them.   A friend wrote a post that lifesucking and timesucking contraption aka Facebook, saying that she was going to put in as much into a friendship/relationship as she receives.  I plan on adopting the same strategy.  No more dating guys who aren't really into me (especially when I am not really into them either).

I have been told that it is my gift that I stay in touch with people, that I can sense when someone needs a word of encouragement. And while I do these things without wanting something in return, sometimes I need it.  What ya'll don't understand is that caring so much about others and internalizing their emotions is very draining.  My tank is depleted and I need to fill it up with more of me and less of everyone else.  Just because I am strong and I handle a lot of shit on my own doesn't mean that I don't need someone to check in on me dammit.  So when I feel that I don't get that type of support I just stick to myself.  Shoot sometimes I/Ethel need to be away from humans especially when they act like morons.

So today I am my alter ego, Ethel. Ethel, that ass-kicking grandma that is the biggest shit talker this side of the Mississippi and can get away with it because she is 75 and no one wants to disrespect their elders nor give her a heart attack.  Peace out biotches!

Attempting Open-Mindedness

I am single.  I am black.  I am female.  I have no kids.  I am educated.  I am attractive.  I am caring.  I am loving.  You would think all of those I am statements that I would be able to add that I am in a relationship, but alas I am not.  I am trying to stay open-minded in this cruel dating world but I am way past the moment of putting my hands up and more at the point where I am just accepting my future life of being the weird cat lady who never leaves the house.

When did dating get so hard?  I remember a time when I had two or three dates a week.  Now if I have one date a month that would be an accomplishment.  I truly am confused as to whether my pool is smaller or if my standards are greater.  Either way, I am in a state of disgust quite often.

I think I am just smarter.  I can put things together faster.  I am not as naive and innocent as I was 10 years ago, and quite frankly I shouldn't be.  I am now confident in myself.  I know my worth, my value and my overall awesomeness.  I am aware of my flaws.  And I know that anyone who has the opportunity to be my beau will be showered with the gifts that I possess because to be around me is truly a blessing.  The problem is not me.  It can't be.  So the problem is them?

Old, young it is all the same, just meh.  I am one of those women who doesn't mind dating a guy who is 10 years older than me.  I like a little gray hair.  I like bald men.  It's all good to me.  But what is not good to me is meeting these men who are quite older than me yet act quite younger then me.  I mean perhaps it is partially me.  I am no longer this doe-eyed girl.  Now I cut straight to the point no chasers. I want a guy of substance.  This means a man who is passionate about something and knows what he wants and goes for it. I want a man to court me.  You know take me out.  Try to get to know me better.  I am tired of a "wyd" text everyday.  I am at work the same time everyday what do YOU think I am doing?   I feel like men in this area have so many options that they don't want to commit to just one woman and they don't, because they don't have to. Or maybe they are just lazy.  Or maybe they just date to have sex.  Whatever their reasoning I am not about that life.  If you want to date me you better act like it!

Despite how it sounds, I really am attempting open-mindedness!  I have tried online dating on and off.  But everyone is just kind of blah.  I try to go to happy hours and such and most of the time I end up talking to old married men.  I mean they are nice and all but that is definitely defeating the purpose.

Sometimes I wonder why I am so pressed.  I have a billion things on my plate.  I don't want to have kids.  I see the relationships of some of my other friends and it makes me want to clutch my pearls in shock and dismay.  So what's the rush?  The rush is because I don't want to be alone.  Sometimes when you are a person who cares so much for others that you just want someone to care for you.  Is that to much to ask?

I am going to try to flip the script.  Turn my grimace into a smile.  I am going to kill them with my feisty whit and charm.  I am going to be positive.  And I am going to do all of this while remembering how amazing I truly am and not lowering who I am nor my standards.  And if no one else gets it?  Well then they are morons :)

Rage Against the Machine

On April 12, 2015 Freddie Gray, an African-American male was arrested by the Baltimore City Police Department.  On April 19th, Freddie Gray died as a result of the injuries that he suffered while under the care of that same police department.  This event sparked a series of events in Baltimore. Most were peaceful and unifying.  A small portion, heavily focused on by the media, were violent. But it is the death of Freddie Gray that has added another dimension to the discussion of police brutality, racial inequalities and the communities that are effected.  But this post is not about police brutality.  It is about Baltimore and other urban communities in the like.

You see the scenes from Baltimore really weighed heavily on my heart.  I used to work in Baltimore.  I interned there, I was a law clerk there, and I  was an attorney there.  As an attorney I represented children in child abuse and neglect cases.  My clients, children, lived in communities that have been ignored by the "leadership" of the city for some time.

These children represent the rage against the machine.  Cycles of poverty are generational.  Insufficient educational systems, lack of jobs, lack of access to proper health care, homelessness, and just a general lack of hope lay the foundation for a city of rage.  I have seen parents who go to the Department of Social Services for help and who then ended up being involved in the system for years.  The children I represented have lived in an environment where they have been forgotten for many years.

So it has taken rage and anger for people to finally listen. It has taken damaged vehicles, fires, and broken windows to remind the world of the people who they can no longer conveniently ignore.  No longer can you visit Baltimore and walk along the peaceful inner harbor, catch a game at Camden Yards, or stroll throw the cobble stoned streets of Fells Point without remembering the images that became emblazoned upon every tv set around the nation and around the world.

Let me make this clear.  I do not condone violence.  I especially do not condone children, yes children, not thugs, to commit crimes.  I understand the anger.  But I also understand that the police are taking all these pictures and videos and are using them to identify each person including, juveniles, who were involved.  As a result, these same kids will now be entering the system that they were trying to fight.  And let me tell you, once you are in the system it is very hard to get out.  It is a system with cracks.  A system that I have been trying to fix, so I know it well.

So why I am I writing this now?  So that we don't forget.  Change in Baltimore is not going to come from the prosecution of the officers involved.  Nor will it occur with body cameras for officers.  Change is going to take a multi-disciplinary approach with the community spearheading the change.  Not Al Sharpton.  I am talking about the men and women who have lived in the same house for 30 years.  The aunties and uncles who know the community.  We need young adults to step up and and claim their neighborhoods.  But we also need lawyers, doctors, teachers, police officers, scientists, architects, nutritionists, social workers, everyone working together to create several systematic changes.  It is going to take a lot of dialogue, a lot of time, and a lot of money.  It is going to involve moments of discomfort, but change usually does.  There are people who have already been doing the work, but they need help and resources.

Some people are tired of talking about race.  But the issues of race, poverty, and economic status are intertwined.  We need to keep talking.  We need to keep healing.  And we all need to have conversations that will stretch our understanding and tolerance of others' feelings and cultures.  Fear can serve as a catalyst for negative behavior.  It is time to erase this fear that we all have of each other.

Let's not let Freddie Gray's death be in vain.  No more teachable moments.  This time let's start a real substantive change in Baltimore that can be replicated across the country.  Let us no longer turn a blind eye to those issues that might not effect us on a personal level.  Because the truth is what happens in the inner city of Baltimore effects us all.  We are an inter-connected society and it is time that we start acting like it.  Their rage is my rage too.  I can't wait to see what comes out of the ashes...

Un-Christian-Like Behavior

I am mad.  I am angry.  And I am not sure why no one else is.  You see several states have decided to pass laws allowing businesses to openly discriminate against homosexual people.  They write and enforce these laws under the guise of Christianity.  And that's the problem.  Discrimination is un-Christian-like behavior.  Allow me to explain.

Jesus spread a message of love.  Jesus hung out with the lowest of the low.  The biggest sinners of them all.  Yet he accepted them.  He practiced love.

When we openly discriminate against others that is not practicing love.  We are all sinners.  For some reason people think that there is a hierarchy of sins.  The truth is there is no hierarchy.  Adultery, gossiping, jealousy, homosexuality, murder, they all are sins, without a rank.  Yet people act like homosexuality is the top priority in which we should focus.

I must admit, my views on homosexuality probably don't align with the teaching of the bible.  That is a topic that I need to do more research on.  Regardless of my views, as  Christians, we are taught to love thy neighbor like we love ourselves (Matthew 22:39).  To me it is obvious that the people who think it is ok to deny homosexuals business services on the basis of Christianity are falling short.  Are these same people openly discriminating against liars and cheaters as well?  I highly doubt it.

The irony is that Indiana is one of the states to pass a gay discrimination law.  Ironically, Indiana also just declared a state of emergency over the high rate of HIV in the state.  I think that perhaps the state should take more time figuring out how to eliminate poverty, hunger,  and create economic stability rather than drafting discrimination laws.  I mean really?  Really?!?  I think that prevent people from dying might be a little more important than letting businesses discriminate against gay people.  As Christians we are also charged with the task of taking care of the sick and elderly....

As a follower of Christ, people look to us and our behavior.  To worship God is to live a life and behave in a way that honors his teachings.  When people see discrimination laws crafted by so-called Christians they are turning people away from developing their own relationship with Jesus.  In fact Christianity has been declining.   This is no surprise.  Why would you ever want to be part of a religion that openly treats people like this, that practices hate.  For centuries people have used the bible against each other.  We should instead use the bible to love one another.

Can you imagine what type of world we would have if everyone practiced loving each other instead of hating each other?

Escaping

I have a confession.  Well I wouldn't say it is a confession.  Confessions imply guilt and I don't really feel guilty.  Anyway, I have a a truth to tell.  My truth:  I still talk to my exes.

I am one of those people who would like to actually remain friends with their exes.  Now this is not always successful.  And usually it is the least successful right after breaking up.  But in time a friendship of sorts can be possible.

It has come to my attention that I tend to talk to my exes a lot more when I am lonely.  Up until earlier this week I thought it was simply because I was lonely.  I thought that I wasn't meeting anyone who made me excited so I was trying to re-kindle the flame with someone who I at one point had feelings for.  But this week I figured it out.  I didn't want to get back with my exes.  What I really was longing for was an escape (an possibly a free meal).  Let me explain.

Dating for me is like an escape.  For a few hours a few times a week, I can escape my life.  When I am with someone else I am not the daughter taking care of her mom, I am not an employee, I am not volunteering, I am just me.  I don't have to think about how I will divide my next check or what I am going to get my mom for her dinner or whether my mom needs a nurse during the day.  I don't have to figure out how I am going to pay for the next car repairs I need or when will I finish paying off my student loans.  Or maybe when I am I going to figure out how to utilize my talents to help people.  No, on a date I get to be that flirty, sexy yet intelligent person who I love being without all of the responsibilities.  I can talk about my hopes my fears my interests.  For a few hours when I am on a date is about me.  It is an escape.  And the escape is what I need once in awhile so that I don't totally implode from stress, worry, and fear.

It might seem so simple, but it is a really big deal to me to understand this.  So now I realize that I need to make an attempt to unapologetically schedule in "me" time.  I always tell everyone else that you have to make sure to take care of yourself or you won't be able to take care of others. But the truth is, I don't practice this enough myself.  So now I am going to work on it.  Because I don't need a man for my escape (unless he is paying for a trip to a tropical place then I will consider it at least lol).

The One Who Got Away

Every time that I have some sort of break up I long for the day that the other person will realize how big of a mistake that they made.  For so many years  I have been waiting to hear someone say that I was the who who got away.  Yesterday my wish came true.  Someone from my past told me this very same thing.  Was it magical?  Was it exciting?  Was it a grand romantic gesture?   Honestly, it was rather anti-climatic.  The fairytail that I had had in my head that true love would work out in the end was a farce.  For the message was stale and its delivery was a few years too late.  But still my wish came true.  At least one person realized that letting me go was their bad.

Not to toot my own horn here, but I am pretty awesome.  I know I know, every person thinks that they are awesome or unique and different.  And it is true everyone is unique and different in their own ways.  But me, I am really different.  For as long as remember I was always just a little bit different than everyone around me.  I am a black girl who loves all types of music and movies.  I love to read and write.  I love sports and I love to grill food.  I like museums.  I enjoy asking my co-workers random would you rather questions.  I am a proud former band member who attended many summer camps.  I think that deez nuts jokes never get old.  I make faces at kids when their parents aren't looking.  I compliment strangers with ease.  I got to happy hours by myself and make friends with men old enough to date my mom.  Blame it on being an only child or having a experienced the death of a parent at a young age, I have learned to embrace my quirks instead of apologizing for them.

That is why I would like to think that my "exes" view me as the one who got away.  Because who else are you going to meet that is my blend of confidence, silliness, intelligence, and sexy all in one?  I am the woman who can hang out with the girls or the guys.  For me everyday is the possibility of a new adventure and every person who I meet is a new potential friend.  I can be fun.  I can be a cheerleader.  I can be caring and loving.  I can be a bitch.  I can be a mother.  I can be confidant.  I can be a coach.  And sometimes in the rarest of moments I can actually be quiet.  I can be all of these things.  Apparently I am just never what they want when we are actually together?

Sure an ex verbalizing my importance and value is flattering.  But you know what would be more flattering?  If an ex was willing to fight for me in the moment and not look back 10 years later with regret.  I want to be the woman that men fight to keep instead of being the one who got away.  How do I make this transition?  Who is going to realize how special I am now, in the moment?  Why can't I be the girl who DID'T get away?

Unfortunately, I don't have those answers.  All I can hope is that by continuing to be the person who I love,  I will find the person who loves me because of it.