This wasn't exactly the sermon from church today, but it was a message that really resonated with me the most. You see, I have been having an exceptionally good week. Yes, I might have few of my dating prospects this week. However, as far as my financials and finding a job I think that I am having a breakthrough. And this is exceptional because for awhile it felt as if I was having one long breakdown.
I cried a lot in church today. I mean I usually cry in church every week. I haven't quite figured out why, but I think it has to do with that is when I feel the most humbled by the work that God has done in my life. But today my tears weren't for me, they were for others that are in the storm. I am not sure that I have ever felt so closely connected to people that I don't know than I did in church this morning. I felt their pain because their pain is real, just like my own pain.
I have written about it a few times before, but I have teetered on the edge of giving up more than I would like to admit. There have definitely been moments in my life, as I am sure there have been in yours, where you are having a breakdown. Where you feel like you might not have to the strength to take on one more thing. But today in the pastor said that there is a nexus between a breakthrough and a breakdown. That when you are descending into your breakdown it is really leading you closer to your breakthrough. And to this I cannot agree more.
I know a lot of my friends and family are struggling out there. If you think about it really everyone has their own burdens and worries. You might become frustrated because change is not happening quick enough or not at all, but it is a process and we need to remember to have patience, even if it is with ourselves. But I think that we, myself included, need to remember when we are shaky ground that is when we need to lean into God more. Are faith has to grow when we are in our darkest hour. So I guess my point of writing this is to say don't give up. To quote the movie the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel," Everything will be fine in the end.... if it's not alright then it's not yet the end."
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Shred Update #4
Wow I have been doing the Shred Diet for four weeks! I only have two weeks to go, at least for this round :) I hate to disappoint. I didn't lose this week, I actually gained .2 (I know it is like nothing). But do no fret I am not upset. I often go up and down and .2 is really hardly anything. I do have a confession as hard as I tried to stay good while eating Easter dinner I did stray just a little bit off of the path.
Other than that the diet has been ok. I am starting to fantasizing about all the foods that I can't have but I overall I think I have been handling everything pretty well. I have noticed that my clothes are starting to feel normal again so that is an excellent feeling! I am looking forward to buying new clothes since spring is around the corner.
Stay tuned for how I did for week 5 :)
Other than that the diet has been ok. I am starting to fantasizing about all the foods that I can't have but I overall I think I have been handling everything pretty well. I have noticed that my clothes are starting to feel normal again so that is an excellent feeling! I am looking forward to buying new clothes since spring is around the corner.
Stay tuned for how I did for week 5 :)
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Normal Life
I long for a normal life. I know what you are already going to say. What's normal? Normal is boring. Don't be like everyone else. Blah Blah Blah. I know that everyone has their own issues. I know that everyone has issues with their families thus making no one's life particularly "normal", however, for me I would love to have a normal mundane existence, at least some of the time.
I feel like a bad daughter. My mother is craving my attention. Yet the more she tries to get it the more I am turned off. You see, there are negative effects to being raised an only child, a super independent one at that. I enjoy being alone, a lot. I also long to only be responsible for myself. But being the only child of a couple where one spouse is dead and the other spouse has severe Multiple Sclerosis none of this is really an option.
I see my mother getting worse and worse. If it were just physical maybe it would be easier. But when you are the sole holder of your childhood memories, when you are the one person that has to remember everything for someone else it is frustrating yes, but sad. Sometimes I just want my mom to be the person who gives me advice and who will maybe babysit my kids one day (umm don't get excited with this kids comment you know my stance on that lol). She is dependent on me for her care and for her entertainment. But I don't want to feel like I am a camp counselor who is constantly planning out activities to make her happy. It makes me resentful. When I spend time with my mom I want to do it because I want to, not because everyone else thinks that I am obligated to spend my time with her. I want to be able to be spontaneous and not have to always be three steps ahead. I want to go on last minute lunch dates and crash at a friend's place without feeling guilty.
I know I should be more understanding and more kind. Like I said I feel like an awful daughter. But I don't want my whole life to revolve around my mother's life. And maybe it is selfish because my parents raised me. I am grateful for that. But they had a choice in the matter, I do not. And I am not saying that I would ever stop taking care of her. I just want to have my own life, a normal life.
I feel like a bad daughter. My mother is craving my attention. Yet the more she tries to get it the more I am turned off. You see, there are negative effects to being raised an only child, a super independent one at that. I enjoy being alone, a lot. I also long to only be responsible for myself. But being the only child of a couple where one spouse is dead and the other spouse has severe Multiple Sclerosis none of this is really an option.
I see my mother getting worse and worse. If it were just physical maybe it would be easier. But when you are the sole holder of your childhood memories, when you are the one person that has to remember everything for someone else it is frustrating yes, but sad. Sometimes I just want my mom to be the person who gives me advice and who will maybe babysit my kids one day (umm don't get excited with this kids comment you know my stance on that lol). She is dependent on me for her care and for her entertainment. But I don't want to feel like I am a camp counselor who is constantly planning out activities to make her happy. It makes me resentful. When I spend time with my mom I want to do it because I want to, not because everyone else thinks that I am obligated to spend my time with her. I want to be able to be spontaneous and not have to always be three steps ahead. I want to go on last minute lunch dates and crash at a friend's place without feeling guilty.
I know I should be more understanding and more kind. Like I said I feel like an awful daughter. But I don't want my whole life to revolve around my mother's life. And maybe it is selfish because my parents raised me. I am grateful for that. But they had a choice in the matter, I do not. And I am not saying that I would ever stop taking care of her. I just want to have my own life, a normal life.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Confessions of being broke
Over the past few weeks I feel like the bill collectors have been coming out of the wood works. I decided that ignoring the calls that I know are bill collectors probably is no longer a good idea. Actually, it was never really a good idea. Avoidance is bad.
Left and right bills are due. To think that a month ago I was living the good life. I had steady work. I had a savings account. Now I barely even know how to type savings much less have actual money in it. Now, I am still waiting for the next thing assignment to come or even yet the next job.
I am definitely starting to freak out. I feel kind of sad. I feel like I will have a constant life of poverty. However, I still manage to laugh at my situation despite it all. I realized that becoming a stripper and selling my eggs at 31 probably won't prove to be lucrative. I have said more than once that I can be on the Real Housewives of Atlanta because many of those girls are broke and don't have husbands. My cousin just called me a dork when I suggested that, as if it is not plausible.
But I know I am not alone. Most of my friends are struggling, which I think is weird. I mean was life this hard for our parents? I thought that I went to law school to make a better life for myself. I thought that I would be living comfortably and be able to take care of my mom. I thought the American dream was working hard and making it. This dream feels like a nightmare!
I feel as if I am one step away from where I was a few years ago. That's when I first lost my job. I was sad, scared, angry, and maybe at some point I felt no hope. I definitely at one time was in a dark place, so dark that I was embarrassed to share some of my most rawest thoughts with my closest friends.
However, there is one important difference now than a couple of years ago, my faith has grown stronger. I was telling my other cousin that every time I feel like I can't take anymore and one more thing can't go wrong and I am at my end, it ends up working out. I have survived each crisis in my life, only by the mercy of God. I continued to be amazed at God's powers and how God has brought me closer to him. He has truly been the supplier of all my needs. My needs have always been satisfied while my irrelevant wants have been discarded. I hope that one day, when I am on the other side of this storm that I can serve as a testimony as to how great God really is.
So when I look at my bank account, when I try to calculate how much my bills are this week, when I drink water at the bar instead of a glass of wine or two I know that it is all going to be ok. I know that God will take care of me and then all of my fears and burdens will fall on him. I guess sometimes we just go through our struggles as a reminder that He is greater than us and that we are never truly separated from him.
Left and right bills are due. To think that a month ago I was living the good life. I had steady work. I had a savings account. Now I barely even know how to type savings much less have actual money in it. Now, I am still waiting for the next thing assignment to come or even yet the next job.
I am definitely starting to freak out. I feel kind of sad. I feel like I will have a constant life of poverty. However, I still manage to laugh at my situation despite it all. I realized that becoming a stripper and selling my eggs at 31 probably won't prove to be lucrative. I have said more than once that I can be on the Real Housewives of Atlanta because many of those girls are broke and don't have husbands. My cousin just called me a dork when I suggested that, as if it is not plausible.
But I know I am not alone. Most of my friends are struggling, which I think is weird. I mean was life this hard for our parents? I thought that I went to law school to make a better life for myself. I thought that I would be living comfortably and be able to take care of my mom. I thought the American dream was working hard and making it. This dream feels like a nightmare!
I feel as if I am one step away from where I was a few years ago. That's when I first lost my job. I was sad, scared, angry, and maybe at some point I felt no hope. I definitely at one time was in a dark place, so dark that I was embarrassed to share some of my most rawest thoughts with my closest friends.
However, there is one important difference now than a couple of years ago, my faith has grown stronger. I was telling my other cousin that every time I feel like I can't take anymore and one more thing can't go wrong and I am at my end, it ends up working out. I have survived each crisis in my life, only by the mercy of God. I continued to be amazed at God's powers and how God has brought me closer to him. He has truly been the supplier of all my needs. My needs have always been satisfied while my irrelevant wants have been discarded. I hope that one day, when I am on the other side of this storm that I can serve as a testimony as to how great God really is.
So when I look at my bank account, when I try to calculate how much my bills are this week, when I drink water at the bar instead of a glass of wine or two I know that it is all going to be ok. I know that God will take care of me and then all of my fears and burdens will fall on him. I guess sometimes we just go through our struggles as a reminder that He is greater than us and that we are never truly separated from him.
Shred Update #3
Today marks the beginning of Shred week #4. If you remember last week I was a little bummed out because I had gained a pound. But this week I came back with vengeance and lost 5 pounds! This means that in three weeks my grand total loss is 9.5 pounds. I am very excited!
I have already decided that once I finish week 6 that I will go through the program again in preparation for summer. Being half way done with the program I am willing to admit that this is not a plan that is easy to do for a long stretch of time. I find that is a little rigid. Part of me appreciates having the structure because it requires less flexibility. The other part of me just wants to eat some cheese lol. However, the point is to move you off of a plateau and if you are trying to lose those last few pounds or if you want to start something new it is worth a shot.
I also have realized that I have lost 14.3 pounds since the beginning of the year, which also makes me feel great. I feel motivated to go to the gym again and I am slowly seeing the transformation of my body. Not to mention I am no longer busting of out of my jeans lol. Stay tuned to next week friends :)
I have already decided that once I finish week 6 that I will go through the program again in preparation for summer. Being half way done with the program I am willing to admit that this is not a plan that is easy to do for a long stretch of time. I find that is a little rigid. Part of me appreciates having the structure because it requires less flexibility. The other part of me just wants to eat some cheese lol. However, the point is to move you off of a plateau and if you are trying to lose those last few pounds or if you want to start something new it is worth a shot.
I also have realized that I have lost 14.3 pounds since the beginning of the year, which also makes me feel great. I feel motivated to go to the gym again and I am slowly seeing the transformation of my body. Not to mention I am no longer busting of out of my jeans lol. Stay tuned to next week friends :)
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Fighting My Insecurities
I started dating a new guy a few weeks ago. I have been keeping it from you because I can't believe we are still dating lol. Recently, I haven't really had more than one date, two dates at the most with any potential suitors. But it has been a few weeks and I have seen "The Engineer" a few times.
Don't worry I am not going to leave you hanging with the details. The Engineer is 31, tall and handsome, never married, no kids and he is an engineer (duh). So the Engineer and I met a few weeks ago at a bar. I was desperate to have a night out. I called one of my girlfriends and we went to a spot that we had not been to before. We ended up laughing and talking and having a great night. The Engineer showed up at the bar minutes from closing. I teased him so much I had no idea that he would eventually ask for my number. He later told me that he liked my sassiness, among other things. We went to lunch the next day and lunch turned into a five hour date. In fact, it was one of my favorite dates ever. So since then we have seen each other a handful of times. There is definitely a mutual attraction. I enjoy his company. I feel very relaxed and comfortable with him as we are in this getting to know each other stage. I like him but I it is not an infatuated crazy like, it is a mature, let's see where this goes like.
Despite all of this I am still fighting my insecurities. Although not constantly, I feel that at times I have to check myself to assess whether I am over analyzing situations. In just about every case after the consultation of friends I come to the conclusion that I have once again over thought something. Today I realized the source of at least some of my insecurities, my ex.
I went into the relationship with my ex with insecurities. Everyone has them, it is a normal part of life. However, after our breakup I am beginning to accept the fact that maybe I have more insecurities than what I had realized. I am so scared of being hurt again, or manipulated, lied to, or missing big red flags that I am ready to toss aside people as a preventative measure. I am so scared that I am too broken and too screwed up to actually be in a relationship.
A friend of mine made me read an article today. In it, Will Smith talked about some of the dynamics of his marriage to Jada Pinkett Smith. It kind of made me re-think the way that I see a relationship and also confirmed some of my thoughts. Your partner should push you to be a better person which I have always believed. What I didn't think of is that part of having a relationship is staying and trying to work through each other's issues. No one comes into a relationship without some kind of baggage whether it is physical or mental, but when you are committed you have an agreement to accept the baggage of your partner and to help them improve.
So for me, I just need to accept the fact that yes, I do have some issues. But if I am honest with myself and know that they are there I can work through them.
Don't worry I am not going to leave you hanging with the details. The Engineer is 31, tall and handsome, never married, no kids and he is an engineer (duh). So the Engineer and I met a few weeks ago at a bar. I was desperate to have a night out. I called one of my girlfriends and we went to a spot that we had not been to before. We ended up laughing and talking and having a great night. The Engineer showed up at the bar minutes from closing. I teased him so much I had no idea that he would eventually ask for my number. He later told me that he liked my sassiness, among other things. We went to lunch the next day and lunch turned into a five hour date. In fact, it was one of my favorite dates ever. So since then we have seen each other a handful of times. There is definitely a mutual attraction. I enjoy his company. I feel very relaxed and comfortable with him as we are in this getting to know each other stage. I like him but I it is not an infatuated crazy like, it is a mature, let's see where this goes like.
Despite all of this I am still fighting my insecurities. Although not constantly, I feel that at times I have to check myself to assess whether I am over analyzing situations. In just about every case after the consultation of friends I come to the conclusion that I have once again over thought something. Today I realized the source of at least some of my insecurities, my ex.
I went into the relationship with my ex with insecurities. Everyone has them, it is a normal part of life. However, after our breakup I am beginning to accept the fact that maybe I have more insecurities than what I had realized. I am so scared of being hurt again, or manipulated, lied to, or missing big red flags that I am ready to toss aside people as a preventative measure. I am so scared that I am too broken and too screwed up to actually be in a relationship.
A friend of mine made me read an article today. In it, Will Smith talked about some of the dynamics of his marriage to Jada Pinkett Smith. It kind of made me re-think the way that I see a relationship and also confirmed some of my thoughts. Your partner should push you to be a better person which I have always believed. What I didn't think of is that part of having a relationship is staying and trying to work through each other's issues. No one comes into a relationship without some kind of baggage whether it is physical or mental, but when you are committed you have an agreement to accept the baggage of your partner and to help them improve.
So for me, I just need to accept the fact that yes, I do have some issues. But if I am honest with myself and know that they are there I can work through them.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Shred Update #2
I started Week 3 of the Shred Diet on Monday. I must say that I was a little disappointed. I gained a pound! I know that is not much but I am not trying to go in the opposite direction. Having done the up and down thing on Weight Watchers for many years I know that this is only temporary. Plus it is that time of the month (sorry guys) and we all know what that does for weight gain. Don't worry I am not giving up folks! I am going to get through the six weeks. I think I am actually do it again right after because I need to get right for the summer :)
How do I feel after week 2? Pretty good! It is nice to know that I am eating healthier. I am actually digging the smoothies. I always liked them I just hate cleaning the blender, but I am used to it now. I also introduced protein shakes last week. They are not so bad either. I can see a change in my body. I see my collar bone come back! This might be a big deal to you, but for many years I could never see it. haha
This week is a little harder. I think that they actually say that this is the hardest week (although I think the cleanse week is probably the hardest). It will be a lot of smoothies, protein shakes, and soups. So far so good. And the other good thing, my friends started the diet this week. It is nice to have some friends doing it, although I wish they would have started when I started lol.
How do I feel after week 2? Pretty good! It is nice to know that I am eating healthier. I am actually digging the smoothies. I always liked them I just hate cleaning the blender, but I am used to it now. I also introduced protein shakes last week. They are not so bad either. I can see a change in my body. I see my collar bone come back! This might be a big deal to you, but for many years I could never see it. haha
This week is a little harder. I think that they actually say that this is the hardest week (although I think the cleanse week is probably the hardest). It will be a lot of smoothies, protein shakes, and soups. So far so good. And the other good thing, my friends started the diet this week. It is nice to have some friends doing it, although I wish they would have started when I started lol.
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