For the past few days, maybe the past few weeks I have been angry. Not angry in general, this anger is directed toward one person, my recent ex. He may read this or he may not, he probably will not as he insinuated that my blog is boring and that I need pictures... (yet another reason that I am mad).
So I have been angry because although we broke up a few months ago I can't get over the feeling that I am still not over it. I don't want him back. I realize that we are not meant to be together. Yes, there are some specific incidents that I am thinking about, but in general he does not have the qualities that I need in a partner and I suppose I don't have what he needs either. But knowing that we aren't made to be together, doesn't stop me from being angry. I felt like throughout our relationship I did a lot of compromising and I gave up more than he did. He even benefited from our break up because he got what he wanted and he is still getting what he wants by having a "friendship" with me. The truth is, I want him to hurt. I want him to feel pain for the way that he made me feel and I want his heart to be in as much turmoil as mine.
I know with all my heart that holding on to this anger toward him is blocking me from maybe meeting that person that God has in mind for me. I tell my friends about the importance of forgiveness all the time. Yet, I can't forgive him myself. I mean I said that I forgave him long ago, and I really thought that I meant it. But in my heart I have not. I mean I don't wish him any physical harm or any harm to his property, but sometimes, well A LOT of the times I do imagine unfortunate, but legal, things happening to him. And yes, I know this is wrong too. I even wrote one of those letters that you don't send, and it didn't work, because I want to send it.
I bet I know what you are thinking. Why don't you just stop talking to him? Why does he even contact you? I wonder the same thing. It seems like at most two weeks go by before one of us contacts the other. I actually will feel some kind of way if he doesn't contact me, as if he is ignoring me. It is like we have this unhealthy symbiotic relationship. He acts like he is over me and doesn't care what I do or who I date, yet when I ask him not to bring up, he still manages to try to inquire as to what I am doing. It would be one thing to say it because he wants me to be happy, but I doubt those are his reasons. Throughout the course of our on/off relationship he sent many mixed signals as to his feelings, and intentions, he then turned around and denied it. As if I made things up, or he would say he didn't mean things the way that I had interpreted.
Part of me wants to tell him to never contact me again. But part of me wishes we could be friends, although sometimes I don't even think he is really that great of a friend either at least not to me right now. And maybe even another part of me wishes that we could go back to happy times that we used to have in the beginning. Random things will sometimes trigger thoughts of special times we had or laughs that we once shared. I guess I hope that it will fade away and I will not have to worry about me contacting him or the other way around. However, I know things don't work like that. He will probably text me tomorrow or the next day and I will still have this same feeling of uneasiness and unrest in my heart. I feel like I will always love him, but I want to be ok moving on. But yes, yes I am going to keep praying that God will steer me in the right direction. I pray that I can let go so that I can move on.