Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Motherhood

To those of you who really know me you may have found my post from yesterday to be ironic.  Why would I write anything about kids?

Growing up I had it all planned out.  I think most girls are ingrained with this image of being married by 30 and having 3 kids, two biological and one adopted, and a dog.  But for me as time went on the dream of 2.5 kids became 0 kids.  In fact, when I asked people what their big dreams were, mine didn't even include family, except taking care of my mom.

When  tell others that I don't want to have kids they scoff at me. In fact sometimes even looking at pregnant women scares me.  I am deathly afraid of holding a baby as I feel as if I will drop it and ruin his or her life forever.  Are these the thoughts of someone that should be having children?

So many times I hear,"that's what I used to say" or "it will be different once you have a husband."  I am not saying that I have totally ruled out the idea but the older I get the more unlikely it seems.  Why? I think I have the ability to have a child but not the sanity.  The main reason really is because of my mom.  I take care of my mom, with help, and many times feel overwhelmed and impatient.  Having to constantly think for someone else and anticipate every potential problem in advance is exhausting!  I cannot imagine having to take care of my mom and take care of a newborn at the same.  Of course if I were married, maybe that would help, but right now a husband seems like a distant future to me just like the thoughts of kids.

Does not wanting to have children make me less of a woman?  That is the way society makes it seem.    Although woman are able to give birth, I do not believe by my choice not to have children that it takes away from my womanhood.  When men say that they don't want to have kids does anyone second guess them like they do women?  Doubtful.  So why should I be judged for the same thing?

The thing is I do like kids, even when I joke around and say that I don't.  The truth is I have been drawn to helping other kids since I was younger, maybe even in high school.  Throughout my life my theme has been to help others.  When I see other kids that are struggling and they are down and discouraged it makes me cry.  At the same time when I see children smiling and happy it brings happy tears to my eyes.

Throughout this purpose filled spiritual journey I think I have narrowed down what I want to do, even though  I still have some figuring out to do.  I believe that my purpose all along has to been to help others.  I think that my passion his helping children.  It always has been so I need to flesh that out.  But maybe my desire to make the world a better for children, eclipses my desire for motherhood.

But I guess I am still young and single so anything is possible.  Maybe a year from now I will be married and pregnant.  Only God knows what is in store for me.

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