In church a few weeks ago the pastor said that each person has their own theme. It was a small part of the sermon that day, but it is still something that has run through my mind here and there. What is my theme? I think today that I figured it out. I am a helper. If you know me, or even if you are a strict follower of my blog this seems so obvious.
You see, ever since I can remember I have been drawn to helping people. I always loved volunteering as a child. I loved going to nursing homes and singing, even though I was no Jennifer Hudson lol. I even was the president of Key Club in high school, until I moved to Maryland. And the same applied throughout college, law school, and today. There is no wonder that my career choice has always been encompassed by the need to help/fix others.
Well the same is true with my friends. I am a zealous advocate of my friends I have realized, maybe to a fault. I want so bad for my friends to be happy that many time avenge their hurts more than they would themselves. It is kind of like I am sponge for other people's pain. And while I am glad that I can deeply empathize with others, I end up internalizing some of the emotions as well.
It all kind of hit me when I was talking with one of my very close friends. I was telling her, yet again, how I wanted to have a discussion with one of the guys she dated because I felt like he was behaving inappropriately. She told me I needed to let it go because she wasn't expecting anything from him and didn't care. For a split second a though flashed in my head that I actually care more about her situation than she did. And this is not the first time.
While I am excelling at being a good friend, a good daughter, a good community helper, I am hurting in the process too. The bad things about sponges is there is only only so much that a sponge can absorb before it is rendered useless. I fear that I come dangerous close to my breaking point.
Sometimes I even feel resentful to the world. I feel alone. I feel tired. I wonder to myself at times who is there for me when I need help? Will someone be there to beat up my ex and kick him in the baby maker even when I didn't ask for it? I help not for the recognition, but because I truly enjoy doing it. However, I need replenishment for my soul too.
And I don't want to say for that my friends aren't down. That's not what I mean at all. I just feel like for those people that care more for others than they do themselves that it is a lonely place filled with self-doubt and even fear. I guess I need to figure out how to balance it all.